So that was my wedding day, in a lot of detail, although there are so many other details that I just couldn’t go into everything. This website has been so instrumental to my journey and to my planning that I owed it to everyone to give back and to share my experiences. Below, are some words of advice that kept me sane and allowed me to truly enjoy one of the most beautiful days of my life (thus far).

1. KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE. I know that your wedding day is important, but once you lose perspective, you will no longer enjoy planning your wedding and everything will be a burden. The planning is very stressful, but you have to remember the larger things in life. If one small detail does not happen, you will still be married, and that is the important thing. If you start feeling overwhelmed, try to think of all the wonderful things that you and your fiance have shared. Think of your family, and think about all the things that make you happy. I knew some girls who quit their jobs to plan their weddings (yes, I’m serious). I just couldn’t understand it. But anyway, my point is that, this is another big task and you have to remember that it is a means to a wonderful end (your life together with your fiance).

2. FIGHT THE URGE TO BE A BRIDEZILLA. Your wedding day is precious to you and your friends, but DO NOT talk about it 24/7. Your friends do not want to hear about this all the time, nor do your bridesmaids. Do not make crazy demands of your loved ones. I hear this all the time from my friends who have sisters or friends who just think that the world has to stop b/c they are planning their wedding. Do not think that people have tons of cash to lavish on you or your wedding either. My advice is that if you are picky in terms of hair or make up (for your bridesmaids, or your mother), you should pay for it. Someone I knew was forced to have her hair in an updo and to pay for it, when she didn’t even like it, and she HATED it and didn’t appreciate the bride for it either. They are not friends anymore. Bottomline: try as hard as you can to divorce yourself from having the perfect wedding. Your wedding day will be beautiful because you are in love with your fiance and you are beginning this journey together. As far as I was concerned, if all the details fell to crap on my wedding day, I still would have been the happiest girl on earth.

3. FIGHT THE STRESS. I’m not sure how you will do this, but you need to find your own way. 2005 was one of the most stressful years of our lives. My husband and I sold a house, bought a house, he was up for partner at his firm (and made it! Yay!), and I was in my first year of my fed. Clerkship. And then, once we bought the house, we ended up spending 3 months doing the gardening and landscaping ourselves. There was so little time on our hands. But what kept us sane was that we continued to do the things that we enjoyed, like taking weekend getaways together, working out, taking walks, and having dinner once a week somewhere nice. Whatever it is that keeps you grounded, you have to continue that. If you stop all those things just to plan your wedding, you will find yourself unhappy and stressed out. I would highly recommend yoga or running. You definitely need to get the aggression out in some way. Planning my wedding, at times, felt like studying for the CA bar exam b/c there were so many details in my head at any given time, but my commitment to my fiance and to our life together, and my commitment to my normal workouts kept me happy, healthy, and sane.

4. FAMILY ISSUES. I found during my wedding planning that weddings are, ultimately, about the coming together of two families. I also found out that whatever family issues you or your fiance have, those issues will come to the fore like a load of bricks. What that means for you is that everyone will want to have something to say. Everyone will have words of wisdom to impart. You will feel the pressure to conform and to do what everyone wants. I think this is so hard, especially if you have multiple cultural issues to negotiate. My fiance and I made a lot of compromises though. We made sure to make small concessions here and there, but in the end, the vision was ours. You have to tread delicately, though, because mothers and MILs are very sensitive. Somehow, though, everything just works out b/c people love you and they will do what you want.

5. BE ORGANIZED. I am probably a Type A by nature, so when I started planning my wedding, I naturally created a spreadsheet with three pages, one for expenses, one for guests, and one for vendor contact information. This spreadsheet helped me keep things in order, especially for things like how much deposit I had put down for one vendor, etc. I also updated my spreadsheet a lot, especially as RSVPs were coming in. I also bought a file folder with multiple dividers so I could keep my receipts and contracts in order. You may not be a spreadsheet person by nature, but you have to find some way to keep things in order. If you are not organized, things will fall between the cracks. The spreadsheet was also helpful because by the time I brought Mylinh on, I merely printed up the sheets and let her know what I needed her to help with. The spreadsheet also help me keep my budget in order. Brides, this is crucial. You will need some type of mechanism to make sure that you keep to your budget and you will need some way to keep on updating how much you have already spent!

6. CREATE A BUDGET AND FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH EVERYONE IS CONTRIBUTING. Money is always a touchy subject. Before you start planning your wedding, you need to talk to your fiancé to make sure you are on the same page. If you end up having a different vision and start planning and then $$$ goes out of control, you both will be very unhappy. So be clear with your husband as to how much you think you’ll be spending and go from there. Also, be clear with your respective parents and ask them if they want to contribute to your wedding. The $$$ thing is a discussion that is a MUST with both sets of parents and you have to do this early on before you start planning. Our situation was tricky b/c my husbands parents are divorced, so we had to deal with those little things that inevitably come up with divorced parents. Finally, I think I would say that most people who have planned weddings will tell you that you will end up with about a 10% overrun. I am a huge budget person, but it was difficult to control the details, such as tax, service charges, etc. All those little things add up, and you just cant anticipate that. So my advice is to do a budget and add 10% for those unpredictable extras. You’ll thank me for it later.

7. BE KIND TO YOUR VENDORS! I emphasize this b/c I used to go on these boards a lot and some knotties would freak out if they didn’t a call returned in 15 minutes. Treat others as you want to be treated and they will go above and beyond for you. If you treat your vendors like crap, they will not do a good job, or they will not even want to work with you (some of my vendors confided in me that they sometimes lie and turn down jobs b/c they sniff a bridezilla a mile away to them, the trouble is not worth it). I am a busy person myself and a lot of vendors I hired have day jobs too, so I gave my vendors a 2-3 day leeway. I also did a lot of communicating through e-mail, which worked great. If there is something important you need to communicate, I’d recommend calling and then confirming via email. That way, you have everything documented and your vendor will more likely respond to you. Also, if you are having a band or other vendors at your reception, feed them. I had vendor meals prepared for my photographer, band, DOC (and her husband). This way, your vendors will be happy and can perform for you. Otherwise, they will have to stress about how to get a meal in somewhere during the night. You want them focused on your wedding, not on their empty stomachs!

8. BE A PROFESSIONAL. What I mean by this is that you need to come into this wedding planning thing like you know what you are doing. Research stores and vendors before calling people and interviewing with them. The knot is a great place to start. Reading other peoples bios and their vendor reviews is also a great way to start. You don’t have time to waste and you cant continue to see tons vendors without making a decision. I limited my options to 3 or less for each vendor and then went that way. If you have reservations about someone, don’t go with them. It’s always a leap of faith, but you have to go with your gut. So, for instance, if looking for dresses, you really need to know what you love about your body and what you want to hide. That way, you can go to a salon and tell them what you want. They aren’t that helpful, if you ask me, so you really need to give people direction. That goes for your other vendors too, like your D.J., musicians, etc. You should know what you want before meeting with your vendors. Otherwise, it is a waste of time for everyone.

I know I alluded up there to signing a contract with your vendors, but I cant emphasize this enough. ALWAYS SIGN A CONTRACT! I had a nightmare with the hair person and dealt with some real stress for not doing so. No matter whether the vendor is a friend of a friend or someone you know, you really ought to just be a professional about it. Most people will understand (professionals will). And if they don’t, go elsewhere. Sign a contract with everyone, and if they don’t have one, draft one up for your wedding. That way, there will be no confusion as to whether or not you booked them, and so both parties know what to expect. Don’t worry - as long as the material terms are there and both parties sign and date the contract, it is most likely enforceable (disclaimer that’s not legal advice, btw, just my advice to you, as a friend. You know I had to put that in there, b/c I’m in this field).

Another thing. Go to your vendor interviews with pictures and ideas so that your vendors can help you execute. Your vendors will not execute for you. They are there to provide a service for you. If you need help coming up with a vision, do a lot of web surfing, go on this site a lot, or think about hiring a coordinator (My DOC is great, btw, with helping folks come up with a vision, see her website).

Also, when you see your vendors, you should go there with a budget in mind. Do not be vague about it. Tell them how much you have to spend on their services and go from there. Otherwise, you will go WAY OVER on your budget. Even if the vendor does not usually do such small jobs, or charges more than you think you can afford, you should discuss with them whether they can accommodate your budget. You’d be surprised how many vendors will break you a deal, or will work something out so that you wont go over your budget.

9. MAKE IT MEANINGFUL. Gosh, I should have put this first, but as I was thinking about what I could tell brides that would really make it worth it, I felt like this goes without saying, but is something we all forget about as we are planning our weddings. Do not get bogged down in the details. Remember what counts. It gets hard to do this, especially if you end up having a big reception like me, but there are things you have to insist on to make your wedding meaningful.

For instance, many of us spend so much time thinking about the table setting or our name cards that we forget the reason why we are planning our wedding to begin with, to celebrate getting married to the love of our life! My husband reminded me again and again during the wedding planning that our ceremony HAD to be meaningful. So we did things that were meaningful to us. We picked an officiant who is a friend of the family’s, who took time to find out about us and our relationship. We wrote our own vows (which made me burst into tears during our ceremony!). We got married in our backyard amongst only family and close friends (everyone else, including work colleagues and my mothers third cousins sister, were invited ONLY to the big reception).

Only those we really knew got to witness our vows. We spent months laboring over our backyard, planting flowers, weeding, etc. We also made sure to include our families in our ceremony (so, for instance, my mother and I made that arbor with the flower balls and ribbon that I got married under), while my MIL brought in the Tibetan Buddhist flags for good luck and the Tibetan umbrellas to signify entrance into a sacred space. I talk to you about my ceremony because that is the easiest example to explain, but my overarching point is that you must follow your heart and remember not to overlook making it meaningful! I had one or two experiences where I've attended lavish and expensive weddings but felt underwhelmed at the end. All the details that went into these $100,000+ weddings were more than impressive, but in the end, I felt a little hollow, like there was something missing. Yeah, the chivari chairs may be great, and the sushi bar and martini bar were awesome, but I would have preferred to witness love in the making.

10. HAVE FUN ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. Almost a year after my wedding day, I am adding this little bit of advice because even though my wedding planning days are long gone, I have to tell you, I have nothing but good and fond memories from that special day. So many brides let the wedding thing get to their heads and forget that it’s also about having fun and enjoying one of the most profound moments of your life. If details fall apart on your wedding day, please do not stress out about it – or worse yet, cry! At that point, there’s nothing to do but to relax and just go with the flow. The straight truth is that SH*T happens in life and no matter how organized a bride is, something inevitably will not work out as planned (for example, in my case, a bunch of my family members (including two wedding attendants) were late to my wedding ceremony b/c of traffic, my videographer was so annoying, and Yank Sing wouldn’t let me hang up lanterns as we had discussed without signing a contract that would make any attorney cringe…and there were other things too!). When things happen that you don’t expect to happen, take a deep breath, remember why your wedding day is happening (so you can marry your beloved fiancé!), and just smile. Honestly, I’m not sure how or why this happened, but a sense of calmness came over me on my wedding day – and I’m not sure if my pictures indicate this – but I was so happy and overjoyed that nothing could take that happiness away from me. Bottom line, though, do what you need to do to let the stress dissolve and have a little fun!

I will update as I think of more things. Good luck to you on your wedding day. JUST REMEMBER: No matter what, it will be a beautiful day for you because you’ve found love, and that is something to celebrate and be truly thankful for!

More to come in the future, I hope, including a more detailed DIY section and more vendor reviews!