ADVICE: HOW TO DISTRIBUTE AN INHERITANCE

So to put a spin on the thread I started entitled "Joint Finances", here's a question for the ladies who believe in the old saying "what's mine is yours and what's your is mine" concept.  What would you do (or how would you feel) if your husband suddenly received a $15,000 inheritance and made the decision to put it into HIS savings account.  And don't say "he wouldn't do that" -- just play along.  HE DID IT.  Would you feel slighted?  Would you feel as though the money is "joint" money or that he should beallowed to allocate the funds towards whatever he sees fit since its coming from his deceased relative.


 

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 6:23 am
oreomaximus
3
06/19/2010
oreomaximus

oreomaximus

  • 3
  • 9
  • 766
118
Followers
121
Following

(29) Comments

soon2beMrs.Jackson
3
04/10/2010
soon2beMrs.Jackson

soon2beMrs.Jackson

  • 3
  • 13
  • 1.72k
214
Followers
218
Following

soon2beMrs.Jackson

good question, being that i inherited my parents' house and all other assets they had since i am an only child. honestly, i put the money in a joint savings account even though i had inherited the money from an annuity my parents had saved for me. was i a tad bit, uncomfortable...initially yes! b/c i felt like this was money that my parents saved up for me for many years and there was an emotional attachment to it but would i have done things any differently...probably not. good post though. it is a very touchy matter indeed!

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 6:27 am
oreomaximus
3
06/19/2010
oreomaximus

oreomaximus

  • 3
  • 9
  • 766
118
Followers
121
Following

oreomaximus

This thread is really hitting close to home for me and I would like to know what the "proper" thing to do is -- I mean, like you said, an inheritance is something that's very personal and meaningful from your parents who saved up to give that to YOU, their heir.  That's very emotional and it means a lot.  But then again, money IS money and once you get married all assets are the same.  But the joint assets are money that you've worked (on your own) to contribute, right?  Wrong?  Who knows.  I have to be honest, I know some other ladies may disagree, but I'm sort of on the fence about this one.  And you would never guess which side of this equation I'm on.  That's why I'm trying to get other people's views on it before I disclose all of the details.

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 6:39 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
3
04/10/2010
soon2beMrs.Jackson

soon2beMrs.Jackson

  • 3
  • 13
  • 1.72k
214
Followers
218
Following

soon2beMrs.Jackson

It is a very sensitive issue but I actually just googled some articles about the matter and according to many financial experts, inheritance money within a marriage is only entitled to the heir. They also mentioned how because it is such a sensitive issue, it sometimes causes a lot of tension within relationships b/c of trust issues in regards to finances. If I were you, I would research a little more on the topic online. I guess since I have been through ALOT over the past few years, I have really detached myself from money and material things. We all honestly give those kinds of things too much power and too much value. Try not to think the worst and just try to base your decisions on how to handle money issues like this out of love and out of the right thing to do. I don't think I can give you any good advice on this since it will ultimately be up to you and what you feel comfortable with along with your FH :-)


*The old me would of thought differently but after watching my entire family lose everything to Katrina then losing both of my parents I have just decided for my own personal reasons to never let money or material things guide my decisions especially within relationships I have with peoople that I love :-)

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 6:58 am
Niecy
10
09/06/2006
Niecy

Niecy

  • 10
  • 15
  • 14.6k
258
Followers
260
Following

Niecy

I totally believe in the whats mine is yours statement in a marriage ...


However ,  me personally ...I know DH will be inheriting quite a bit from his grands and his parents .... to me thats all his .... to do what he wishes .... now if we were in financial crisis obviously I would expect him to do whats necessary for the family , but as long as we are both employed and paying the bills on time I would not want anything to do with his inheritance ...and would back him up in whatever he decided to do with it ....


Look at it this way -  He didn't take off on a trip with the guys , or go out and buy a motorcycle ... he put it in a savings .... which IMO is actually a very good place for it ...KWIM?


 


I understand what your feeling ...but to me it is his personal legacy from family

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 6:59 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
3
04/10/2010
soon2beMrs.Jackson

soon2beMrs.Jackson

  • 3
  • 13
  • 1.72k
214
Followers
218
Following

soon2beMrs.Jackson

I don't even think I answered your question Kim, I apologize. No, I would not feel slighted. Any money received from an inheritance is intended for the heir only, how they choose to spend, disperse or save it is totally up to them. Sorry for rambling!


My FI will more than likely recieve a nice chunk of change from his parents and I believe he already has some other things that he inherited from his grandmother. As long as he and I are open and honest about our current and future assets, I don't allow it to concern me at all.

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 7:08 am
beatie
5
10/11/2008
beatie

beatie

  • 5
  • 14
  • 6.57k
147
Followers
150
Following

beatie

I'm not sure why inheritance money in a marriage would be handled differently than money you earn from a job or something.  I'm an only child and have an uncle that has no children.  So I will be the sole beneficiary for both my parents and my uncle.  But I can't imagine looking at that inheritance money and telling my husband that it's mine alone.  He's my parents' son now and my uncle's nephew.  He's family.  And that money would go into OUR accounts and OUR investments.  I can't imagine opening a separate account with that money and telling him to stay away from it.  When my mom's parents passed away, she got a good chunk of money from them.  That money went directly into THEIR savings.  Maybe it's just how I was raised but my parents never had separate anything and I don't plan to either...

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 7:09 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
3
04/10/2010
soon2beMrs.Jackson

soon2beMrs.Jackson

  • 3
  • 13
  • 1.72k
214
Followers
218
Following

soon2beMrs.Jackson

i agree Beatie. i witnessed my parents handle a lot of their financial matters seperately however, i chose to do things much differently in my relationship. FI and I allow each other access to any and everything that we have :-)


however, legally...inheritance $ it is entitled to the heir only and is actually not considered assets of the marrriage based on what I've read.

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 7:15 am
Niecy
10
09/06/2006
Niecy

Niecy

  • 10
  • 15
  • 14.6k
258
Followers
260
Following

Niecy

I feel exactly the same Beatie as far as what "I"  would do .... anything I got would be "ours" -  UNLESS .... it could help send one of my girls to college or something like that ... then i would make that decision and just do it ....   but I personally would not want any part of anything he inherits ..... he is very giving and we both have sacrificed a lot ... I would want him to do whatever he wanted with it .... he would probobly feel the same if it was me who inherited ....

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 7:28 am
Niecy
10
09/06/2006
Niecy

Niecy

  • 10
  • 15
  • 14.6k
258
Followers
260
Following

Niecy

P.S.  I may feel a little differently about this because we both have been married before AND have children from those marriages ....


 

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 7:29 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
3
04/10/2010
soon2beMrs.Jackson

soon2beMrs.Jackson

  • 3
  • 13
  • 1.72k
214
Followers
218
Following

soon2beMrs.Jackson

Niecy, you definitely have alot of wisdom on many of these topics. When I received the annuity settlement, the first thing I told FI was 'baby guess what, we just got blessed with some extra money!!" wooohooo!!!


now if only that could happen more often hahaa ;-)

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 7:36 am
LuckysBride
10
12/05/2009
LuckysBride

LuckysBride

  • 10
  • 19
  • 10.7k
495
Followers
498
Following

LuckysBride

Oreo to answer your question would I feel slighted if an inheritance that FI received was put into his savings account....depends...and honestly I'm on the fence about it.


I can't quite put into words why....but as much as I agree that it is his to do with what he wants, and legally I have no claim to it...honestly I think it would sting a little. As much as I trust him, I would wonder why the money can't sit in an account that we both have access to. Or why he wouldn't trust me enough to place the money in a joint account...does that make sense?


I would never feel entitled to it....and would NEVER freely spend away his inheritance but I would hope that we would discuss all options that are best for our family...not just him individually...kwim. If at the end of the day it made more financial sense to place the money in his account (be it better interest rate or whatever) than that's one thing...but I would surely want to know why he would right away put it in HIS account...as I would never do that if the roles were reversed.

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 7:48 am
Niecy
10
09/06/2006
Niecy

Niecy

  • 10
  • 15
  • 14.6k
258
Followers
260
Following

Niecy

oreo -  did he give any reason for depositing it in his account?

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 7:50 am
meanyprice
4
08/25/2009
meanyprice

meanyprice

  • 4
  • 8
  • 2.55k
26
Followers
30
Following

meanyprice

I wouldn't feel slighted.  It's his money.  We keep our money separate though, so we aren't in that "whats mine is ours" place that most people are.  I have also been divorced, and it was ugly, so I know that has influenced my attitude toward the joint money thing.


From a legal standpoint, an inheritance is not "ours" but only the heirs unless that heir mixes with marital property, then it is martial assets.

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 7:52 am
oreomaximus
3
06/19/2010
oreomaximus

oreomaximus

  • 3
  • 9
  • 766
118
Followers
121
Following

oreomaximus

What a complicated situation.  I HATE dealing with finances within a relationship.  It is SOOOO emotionallly draining.  You want to do what's right and what's fair and demostrate to your spouse that you TRUST them, but at the same time, you feel this physiological need to protect yourself.  I mean, if this wasn't a HUGE issue in most relationships, then there would be no such thing as pre-nups.  I've just seen it cause so many issues.  My parents were married for 32 years and had joint EVERYTHING.  BUt suddenly, and without warning, I guess my mom decided it was time for her to make some decisions about the spending (she was TERRIBLE when it came to handling the money. She'd spend too much here, not enough there, didn't know how to prioritize and would often "forget" to pay bills). So she up and started opening her own, separate accounts.  Pretty soon, she had her paychecks deposited into HER account and would just take out a portion to contribute to the bills. It took my dad a while to figure out what was happening but not before she made the ultimate decision to re-establish her independence and to be single again.  So one day she went to the bank, closed their joint savings account, put his half on the table, waited til he came home and told him she wanted a divorce. 


That's what I'm afraid of.  So my FI is probably about to come into about 15k from his grandmother's estate.  I truly feel as though that's his inheritance and HIS legal right.  BUT, since we're getting married and things are supposed to be jointly piad and saved, where does that leave me?  For example, I have been like single handedly paying for the things for this wedding (I make more $$ than him and am more liquid).  I have also been picking up the slack as far as the bills go.  So here I am scratching and clawing to make things work for US, but then you come into an inheritance and it just goes to your account while I continue to struggle.  So I've been thinking of it like this, so if my car breaks down, or I don't have any money, or I can't pay the electricity bill, does that mean you look down at me and say, "too bad" while you're sitting on 15k of YOUR money?  I mean, I do NOT want a dime of his money.  I think its HIS and that he SHOULD be free to do with it what he may since his grandmother left it to HIM, but I feel as though as his future wife, number one he should have discussed it with me, and number two, he should consider the things that we need to pay for jointly and that we've been having a hard time doing.  what if it were 3MM dollars?  Then what?  I'm so confused.  I want to trust him and I want him to trust me but at the same time I don't want him to resent me or me to feel as though its "joint" as long as I am making the most money and he has everything to gain. 


Is that crazy thinking?  I just think that if I had an inheritance that I would feel like it was my choice to do what I wanted with the money but ultimately, like in Kim's situation, the majority of it would prob benefit US anyway.  Just like when I get my Christmas bonus or someother gift I wasn't expecting.  We're going to Vegas or Lake Tahoe or wherever TOGETHER.  That's just how I roll. 


 

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 8:28 am
miss_em2010
10
02/20/2010
miss_em2010

miss_em2010

  • 10
  • 17
  • 10.4k
450
Followers
454
Following

miss_em2010

ditto beatie.


If either of us inherited a large sum of money/any extra bonus' etc, we have already decided it will go to our "cottage fund" - something we both want (badly, might I add...LOL!)

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 8:51 am
Niecy
10
09/06/2006
Niecy

Niecy

  • 10
  • 15
  • 14.6k
258
Followers
260
Following

Niecy

oreo I see where your coming from being that you are the one scraping and straining to pay everything including the wedding ....


 


In your situation i would still feel like it was his money ....but damn skippy he better not let me sink if my car breaks down or there isn't enough money for the bills ..OUR bills .... 


I would wait until a problem arises such as him "blowing" the money stupidly when there is a bill due or refusing to help you in a time of financial crisis before  I stressed about it ....


either that or discuss this with him and find out what his point of view is

Posted on November 24, 2009 at 7:50 am
jackieg
20
04/17/2009
jackieg

jackieg

  • 20
  • 13
  • 23.8k
337
Followers
341
Following

jackieg

i'm with Niecy on this one...if it was inherited by HIM....he can do what he wants with it...if it were left to me....he would say the same, and i would put it in our joint savings anyway....i'm just saying, i don't feel it would be my place to stop him if he wanted to keep it all....


and even though you said NOT to say it...i will anyway.....HE WOULDN'T DO THAT.

Posted on November 24, 2009 at 9:25 am
SCary
3
10/24/2009
SCary

SCary

  • 3
  • 12
  • 1.41k
63
Followers
67
Following

SCary

Oreo - tough one.  I would be OK if he put it in his account but used the money wisely on things that effect BOTH of you. While it is his money, maybe it's worth having a conversation with him about how he plans to USE the money. If it's to go on a guys trip to Vegas, I'd be pissed, if it's to pay down debt, set aside some for the wedding, etc. then I wouldn't care what account it goes to, but it's more about how the money will be used.


I have an account that was partly money my parents saved for college (which didn't all get used) and partly an inheretance.  While this is soley in MY name and I have every right to spend it how I want, we talk about it as a couple whem big purchases come up.  We used some of it as a down payment on our house and may use some on a kitchen remodel at some point. 


The point is, the account is under MY control, but the decision-making is joint. DH just got a Christmas bonus - it's HIS money, but again we both talk about how to use it. Perhaps you could have a convo with him around that subject.  

Posted on December 15, 2009 at 6:34 am
al0626
4
06/12/2010
al0626

al0626

  • 4
  • 14
  • 3.52k
451
Followers
452
Following

al0626

i would be pissed.  100% agree with beatie.


"two hearts but one soul..."  everyone throws around those sayings when planning weddings and what not because it is a romantic notion, but i truly believe that.  there is no more "mine and his" when we're married. ESPECIALLY finances.  That's just our relationship.  If he were to do that, it would be totally out of character and really raise some red flags.  We're in this together in EVERY aspect of our lives, not what we pick and choose to share together.  We will really big one unit, with one bank accout, savings account, etc.

Posted on December 15, 2009 at 6:39 am
Lilivati
4
07/10/2010
Lilivati

Lilivati

  • 4
  • 9
  • 4.8k
77
Followers
79
Following

Lilivati

This is one of the reasons we won't do joint accounts.  Either we're in this together or we're not.  At the same time it's not appropriate to split it between two private accounts because I had nothing to do with that money.

Posted on December 22, 2009 at 3:34 am
« 1

Have a question? Contact Support
Top Contributors this Week
LauraSweet
19 posts
Canooknic
17 posts
Levisjoe
13 posts
Uhlease
13 posts
zeuster
9 posts
Kittywolf13
8 posts