Bad news.... Needs advice for one of our own.

Our own pmnunes83, my personal friend of 14 years, is going to a marriage counselor.
She would like some advice about the situation and see if anyone has gone through something similar or know of someone who has gone through the same thing.

She told me yesterday that she really wants to be single now, she does not want to have kids with her husband, doesn?t think he would be a good father. Her family members are telling her to ?stay in it and try to work things out? but as of today she is thinking of buying a bed and moving into their spare bedroom so she can stay in the house and help him through this difficult time.

Now a little background on him?.he is a cop, he has had issues with being a little violent in the past, once he told me he would rather be dead than be alone. He likes to say over and over again that he ?cannot be alone?, when they briefly broke up several years ago, before their marriage, he called me crying and saying that ?if she leaves me I?ll be alone, she can?t just leave me because I cannot be alone.? So he has some issues about the idea of being alone.

Now I think?she should leave the house all together, maybe move back to Jersey for the time being and just have a clean break, no trial separation.

Can anyone chime in on this?

If no one has any suggestions please send some lovely toasts to her to brighten her day up.

Thanks ladies!


EDIT

She says recently she went to a wedding and afterwards he became distant with her. They always had communication problems, but it's more so recently.

There aren't intimate AT ALL, and there is no emotional connection.
Posted on March 14, 2013 at 4:19 am
LaraD2mRdr
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11/05/2011
LaraD2mRdr

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(11) Comments

allbyfaith
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09/01/2013
allbyfaith

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allbyfaith

Im sooo sorry to hear about this situation. Im sending hugs and prayers to her.


Just a little clarification, what has changed her mind now about being with him and having children? Was there some thing he has done recently?

Posted on March 14, 2013 at 4:35 am
Canooknic
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07/19/2013
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Wow, that's a tough situation.

It's very hard to offer any suggestions as only she knows what is right for her. If she really doesn't feel that there is any way to mend the relationship then (based on what he has said & done previously) I would tell her to get out of the house, the longer she stays the harder it will be to eventually go, but if there is any chance of getting things back on track she should try everything she can before throwing in the towel.
Posted on March 14, 2013 at 4:42 am
LaraD2mRdr
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LaraD2mRdr

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@allbyfaith, personally..... I think she married him because they were together for a longtime... She moved out of the state for him... And the hype of throwing a wedding was there.

We get blinded by ideas and don't clear out minds for the reality that is in front of us.

I could imagine his personality, immaturity, and violent past maybe made her realize he wouldn't be a good father.
Posted on March 14, 2013 at 4:46 am
MrsCaleYoung
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06/30/2012
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I am so sorry to hear this! Pmnunes is on my friend list. I will definitely send her a toast for encouragement.

Posted on March 14, 2013 at 5:00 am
thechelsi
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07/07/2012
thechelsi

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Definitely sorry to hear this =[


I'll go find her and send her some PW love!

Posted on March 14, 2013 at 5:02 am
mymy2463
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Along with attending marriage counseling has he gone to see a counselor himself?  I dont want to sound harsh, but with him being a cop he is exposed to a lot of evil things that happen out there.  Before you can help anyone they have to help themself first.  I'm not sure how he would react to her bringing that up to him as he may become very defensive and take it out on her.


With him claiming that he "can't be alone", he is maybe crying out for help the only way he knows.  Wish the best for them.

Posted on March 14, 2013 at 5:10 am
Uhlease
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Oh no, I'm so sorry :( I will definitely send her a little toast. As for any advice, I have none because that is a huge huge decision and life changer. mymy2463 is right that he needs to help himself first.  That can be hard for the other person and I wish her the best in life.

Posted on March 14, 2013 at 6:15 am
Sammy_D
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Very sorry to hear this. Canooknic is right, she is the only one who really knows the entire story and can gauge what is right for her. From you've said here, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and anytime violence is mentioned at all, it seems best to clear out. A marriage counselor is a good start and a professional is definitely the best one to seek advice from. I would be worried anytime a husband calls the wife's friend crying and saying 'she can't leave me...' sounds like there are some warning signs there but that's just IMO. Hugs and good vibes for her, I hope she can get herself into a better situation and that her DH gets healthy.

Posted on March 14, 2013 at 8:24 am
foreverlovex
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05/31/2014
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Wow, I will be praying for that tough situation!  It sounds like he may be suicidal, or having thoughts because of his fear of being alone. I think the best thing to do is get out of the house & into a new welcoming enviroment all together. Its not a healthy realtionship & the longer you stay or try to "help" it may make thing worse IMO. You have to do whats best for you & this realtionship doesn't sound good. Don't stay with someone just for the simple fact you've been together for so long, etc, if the feelings aren't there, there is no use in trying to get them back, they are gone for a reason. Seeking a professional in counseling would help you both out dearly. Best of luck! Sending hugs!

Posted on March 14, 2013 at 11:42 am
LaraD2mRdr
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Thank you all! I'll keep you posted on what goes on...
Posted on March 14, 2013 at 4:38 pm
SunnyDBride
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I am so sorry that she is going through this! What a very difficult situation and my heart goes out to her. Though I am not in her shoes, as none of us are, my advice comes from my faith and spiritual background. We are given only one instance in which divorce would be a choice, so I would suggest a lot of prayer, communication and seeking godly counsel. Maybe there needs to be some time for the two of them to work things out (and it sounds as if he may need counseling outside of the marital issues in regard to his fear of being alone) rather than a move toward divorce. I'm not saying that's what she's going to do or is planning and she may even be of a different belief. I can only share from my perspective and maybe it will be something for her to consider as one of her options. I will certainly be praying for her and again, I am so sorry to hear this sad news.

Posted on March 17, 2013 at 9:34 am

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