Battle of the parents

 

So last night we sat down and had dinner between my family and my FI's family. Over all the dinner went well and was really nice. I had hoped to discuss a budget from both sides but what I got instead was we need a date, we need a date!! I kept telling them I couldn't commit to a venue if I wasn't sure I could pay for it at the end of the night?? And the venue is the one that will tell me a date... But if I can't afford it the date doesn't matter! Am I wrong? I got really depressed afterwards because their all like what do you want. I can't really have what I want and I'm ok with that. 
 
So now I'm trying to schedule another appointment with my original venue to talk serious numbers and hopefully put a deposit down and get a date! Because they want a date. BUT I'm still worried about the numbers. Everyone keeps saying don't worry about it. I know what my parents want to give us but I don't want to use that for the wedding. I want to keep it as it was originally intended as a nest egg. And his parents still wouldn't say a number but did say last night they wouldn't charge rent for living in their guest house which will be our first place since we can't afford anything else. (So that's a good thing)
 
Am I over reacting? I thought I had a plan but my own father turned the table on me with wanting a date and no one seems to understand my logic of needing a budget before a date or venue. The budget should determine everything right? I'm going to try and relax and not worry about it. After all their telling me not too and I just restarted our engagement to avoid these problems... So what do you all think. I guess I should be grateful that everyone is getting along and my FMIL is starting to act nice to me again. So I dunno. Everything happens for a reason and everything will be ok, right?? 
 
 
Posted on August 5, 2013 at 1:10 pm
Kittywolf13
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(10) Comments

zeuster
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zeuster

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zeuster

Personally I would be very afaraid to commit to a venue without having a budget in mind. I would worry about it. I would talk to your orgininal venue and see what they say. But i would have backup plan in place  just in case something happens. Unless maybe your MIL is willing to go with you and write the check. I would just hate to see you have a repeat of what happened before. I have my fingers crossed for you.

Posted on August 5, 2013 at 1:55 pm
JYoung28
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11/02/2013
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Well I have a similar problem. My mom won't tell us what or how she is donating to the wedding AND MY WEDDING IS NOV 2!!!!! You seem to be lucky in the fact that your FI'S family HAS a guest house!! My Fiancé's family won't be donating at all as they can barely afford their two bedroom apt. Now please understand I am not trying to sound snarky or make you feel guilty- or what ever have you. I am simply stating this because I can totally understand how aggravating it is to be told all your life about how "weddings are traditionally supposed to be" and how they pan out in reality. Between pintrest and wedding magazines we have this fluffed up idea in our heads, about families and budgets, and who pays for what, and when reality sets in differently its depressing and stressful. My fiance and I have been together for ten years and when ever asked "when's the big day?" We'd ask "how much are you paying for it?" And their response would be silence. So after ten years and have no clue what or IF my mom will help us in the end, we are planning a wedding we can afford andif anyone gives then its simply an extra relief on our part. Plus side: you have more control over everything.
Posted on August 5, 2013 at 2:00 pm
Kittywolf13
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 I'm afraid to commit to something without a budget too! But it seems like everyone is in agreance even my FI! I don't know what to do. I just want to crawl under a rock a me cry. No one is listening to me. Not even him. All their doing is patting me on the back and telling me its ok. I just feel bad, guilty and stressed. I don't feel better. So much for my fresh start. 

Posted on August 5, 2013 at 3:37 pm
zeuster
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zeuster

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I have an idea can you make a spreadsheet or do you have wedding planning worksheets? You can get the prices for the venue and catering and decor and everything for your dream venue. And then for what you can afford if you had to pay for it yourself. List everything candle holders linens flowers etc. I would put every detail. And then show it to your FI and FMILand your parents. Because maybe none of them actually know how much any of it cost. Maybe once they can see how much things cost it will be helpful. Then I would plan for what I could afford. Don't get stressed. If no one is willing to give you an exact $$$$ amouont then just carry on like you have to do everything yourself. At the end of the day its about being married to your true love not the sze of the venue.

Posted on August 5, 2013 at 3:58 pm
LADY786
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I agree with JYoung28, plan based upon what you can afford and whatever bonus your family has agreed to . If you dont wanna use your family contribution and want to use it as nest egg,  then try plan what you & your fi can afford together and then everything else would be bonus.

Posted on August 5, 2013 at 4:09 pm
Kittywolf13
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 it just frustrates me that it seems like they think i havent done anything in the past 6 months!!! i have... i really have. and i have listed out everything that would be needed, whether we do it DIY or have someone else do it. it doesnt seem to matter and all i seem to be doing is talking to a brick wall... and it was doubly upsetting that my own folks agreed and went along with it. i just... mmm im probably just being overly emotional because of that time of the month... but its really upseting me. then we got into a big fight because he thinks that everything will be ok just because they said it would be. why am i the only one who feels like i shouldnt be asking for anything, because i dont want anyone to go into debt because of me and a party. yes i want one, but i dont want anyone me or my parents going into debt for one. :(

Posted on August 5, 2013 at 6:38 pm
halloweeniegirl
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I would just plan the wedding that you and your FH can afford to pay for yourselves. It may not be the 'dream' wedding that you always wanted but it is only one day. All that will really matter is that you are married to your FH. :)
Posted on August 6, 2013 at 5:04 pm
Kittywolf13
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 i agree halloweeniegirl! just wish everyone else would see it that way. :/ make things so much easier!
 

Posted on August 6, 2013 at 7:13 pm
halloweeniegirl
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Do you want a small simple wedding? Are your families the ones that are pushing for a big expensive wedding?
Posted on August 6, 2013 at 8:16 pm
halloweeniegirl
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You can only do what you can afford to do. If I were you I would sit down and figure out how much money my FH and I could save up before the wedding and then use that figure as the budget. Start planning and then if other family members offer to help you can upgrade certain things like photography or the bar, etc. Maybe your FH's parents are waiting until the real planning begins to decide how much money they will contribute. Or they might not be able to contribute much financially (sucky economy) and maybe they are planning on helping you both out in some other ways. If you keep on waiting for other people and the stars to align you might never get married. And that's coming from someone who knows.
Posted on August 6, 2013 at 8:26 pm

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