BF is Frustrated

My BF is frustrated and doesn't know what to do.  She really loves her boyfriend and they talk of getting married often (been dating for 2 years) but he has yet to get a divorce from his ex (been separated for almost 4 years) and even though he tells her he wants to marry her, he has not made any moves get the process rolling.  She's baffled as to why he won't file for divorce.(He's told her on numerous occasions that he's going to file)   


She is frustrated.  She has a time line and wants to get married within the next two years but feels it's just that, a want on her part.  She recently told him that she doesn't want to talk about getting married anymore.


What would you do if you were in her shoes?


 

Posted on July 13, 2010 at 9:08 am
2nd_tymebride
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2nd_tymebride

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(18) Comments

doolittlebride
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doolittlebride

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If she has any ANY respect for herself, she would walk away from him.


"He's just not that into her"


He is honestly stringing her along and we've all seen it before.


She needs to seek therapy because this will be hard but I've been there before.


I've now got my prince and she will, too if she starts the journey now to find herself.

Posted on July 13, 2010 at 9:18 am
akbridehi
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akbridehi

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I agree with Doolittle.  Your BF's boyfriend just doesn't care.  If he did, he would have filed a loooong time ago, and it sounds like he may still have a thing for his Ex.  Who would stay married to someone that they apparently no longer love - unless they still love them?  I sure wouldn't. 


I'm sorry for your BF, but she needs to move on from this jerk.  We've all been here before, it took me a looooong time to get over the jerk in my life, but I moved on and found my FI who is a million times the man my ex was! 

Posted on July 13, 2010 at 9:32 am
2nd_tymebride
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2nd_tymebride

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Doolittlebride~  I've told her that too, but she swears that he's told her that he loves her. Says he loves her more than she knows and that he feels blessed to have her in his life etc.  What's the deal?  

Posted on July 13, 2010 at 9:34 am
2nd_tymebride
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2nd_tymebride

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Okay, that's 2 for 2 saying he doesn't care... I hate to see her go through this and I know he's told his friends that he loves her and his family too and says she is the first he's dated since his breakup that he's introduced to his family members and brought around his children.  Why would he do her this way, do you think it's because he knows she wants to get married again?   He says he does too, though.  What gives?  I hate seeing her like this and watching from outside...it's frustrating.

Posted on July 13, 2010 at 9:43 am
doolittlebride
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doolittlebride

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It's a harsh reality.  I wasn't even dealing with a married man but just one that couldn't commit to marraige.  It's what I wanted [marriage] so staying in the relationship meant giving up on MY NEEDS.  IF she wants to be in a committed, monogamous, married relationship and this guy cannot give that to her then she is the one hurting herself.  I say this because I had to learn this myself.  Can't go blaming the other person if you keep hanging around waiting for them to change.  You move on. Period.


And I also don't say it like this because I think it's as easy as typing it.  I say it out of the extreme pain it caused me for FIVE years of my life.  Well, actually make that ten. We were together for 5 and it took me about 5 years to get over him - after we broke up - and move on.


Him being married makes this even worse.  He KNOWS he is not leaving his wife (for whatever reason, it doesn't matter for this discussion since this is about your friend really and not him).  Your friend is delusional due to his leading her on and it's so terrible, sad, and tragic how many women this happens to!  I'm a strong independant woman and it happened to me!


She also may never listen to you.  She may have to come to this decision on her own. But you can certainly counsel her on your own feelings of the matter.

Posted on July 13, 2010 at 12:35 pm
jenniferdavid913
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what a schmuck! yeah i agree with the rest of the girls... he doesnt care... obviously if he really does, he would have done it in a heartbeat. sorry to say... im sure he does care for your BF but not enough to do what's right to marry her! =( maybe a part of him is telling him that he needs to hold onto that marriage because it might, JUST MIGHT, come right back up and he's just ready for it. ehh.. what a jerk.. i'm sorry!

Posted on July 14, 2010 at 5:14 am
Keturah78
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Keturah78

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Not only does he not care, he's putting a wall up by not divorcing the other lady. He'll always have an excuse not to fully commit.


Posted on July 14, 2010 at 5:35 am
2nd_tymebride
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2nd_tymebride

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Okay, update.   So my BF had a talk with her BF (we had a looooong phone conversation today) and this is what she thinks is happening.  She expressed her frustration over the divorce not getting done. And he in turn told her that he just didn't think it was that big of a deal because he has been separated from her for so long.  He told her that he is not emotionally attached to her any more and feels nothing for her except for caring about her because she is the mother of his kids. 


Background:  His ex has boyfriend who she's been with for over 3 years. So apparently she has moved on too.


She also told him that without that divorce it seems their relatinship is at a standstill, and can't move forward. (Like I said they have talked of marriage before)  He told her it'snot like he does not want to marry her, because he does.  He told her if he wanted some fly by night relationship he could 


He admitted that he is procrastinating and he isn't sure but he thinks another reason he has not gone forward with it is because he's afraid of what his ex will do in court re child support etc.  He doesn't want to get screwed and is afraid to "rock the boat" so to speak.


My BF says that everything is cool between them (her BF and his ex) and that she understands the part of him being afraid she may turn on him, but they (BF and ex)have spoken about it, so she knows he wants a divorce.  


He also says that he just doesn't have the money right now to file.  My BF mentioned a waiver for the payment.  He says that he'll look into it. (now, it's a matter of when?!!!)


To wrap this up, she says she feels better about the talk, but is still a little hesitant to believe he will file anytime soon.  She is thinking of giving him a deadline.


This has really been hard for me to listen to because he seems like a great guy, he treats her wonderfully and I'm not ready to give up on him (I have not told her that though). She has to come to terms with what she is willing to put up with.


 

Posted on July 14, 2010 at 12:25 pm
Keturah78
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Keturah78

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But if she has moved on and him and the ex are on ok terms, why would that rock the boat?


Posted on July 15, 2010 at 1:00 pm
doolittlebride
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doolittlebride

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BAGGAGE...lots of baggage if you ask me. They need to be in couples counseling NOW regardless of getting married.  You don't have to be getting married to see a couples counselor.  It was the best thing my FI & I did.


There are so many issues here I don't know if it can work out for her but it sounds like his plate is full and he needs to step up and make some important decisions.  I don't envy her!

Posted on July 15, 2010 at 8:15 pm
2nd_tymebride
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2nd_tymebride

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@ Keturah78 ~ From what it sounds like is, they are on good terms (it took a long time to get there) but he feels that she could "turn" at any moment.     


@doolittlebride~ That's what I said too!  There is a lot of baggage here.  Counseling has never come up in our conversations...I might have mention that to her and see what her reaction is.


From our latest conversations, she says he is trying to get it together, it is just taking him too long in her book.  (is she not being patient enough, do you think?  Remember they have only been together for 2 years)  And after talking to her and listening, it seems he was really hurt in this past marriage, and even though he does want to marry her, it sounds to me like he is scared to take the leap again for so many reasons go.


I asked her that if he was already emotionally and physically over her, what is the roadblock?  She says that it could all be in his head.  All I can do is listen and watch.      


 

Posted on July 16, 2010 at 7:34 am
akbridehi
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akbridehi

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Her boyfriend is ridiculous.  This may sound negative, but he played her soooo well, and she fell for it.  'Oh yeah, I'll look into that'...  He's not going to look into it at all, he told her what he knew she wanted to hear.  If he and his ex are on friendly terms, filing would do nothing to change that, especially if she has moved on herself.  All of his reasons are BS.  He got hurt?  We've all been hurt but we moved on.  I guarantee you that if he really wanted to marry her, he would have been divorced at least a year ago. 


Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but I've just seen it (and lived it) too many times.  If he really wants to marry her he would find a way to get divorced and he would put a ring on her finger ASAP.  Instead he just keeps telling her what she wants to hear and stringing her on.  I feel really bad for your friend, I'm so sorry she is dealing with this.  Guys can be such disgusting creatures sometimes, complete selfishness. 

Posted on July 16, 2010 at 8:19 am
al0626
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al0626

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okay, i'm going to be the odd one out here:  man are you ladies judging this guy, and you've never even met him and don't know THAT much about him!


they've only been together for 2 years.  though i do agree he needs to get the divorce, i think she's rushing the whole marriage thing!  i mean think about it, he hasn't been "separated" from his ex for all that long.  maybe he doesn't want to rush into ANOTHER marriage?  divorces suck the life out of you...maybe he's just trying to be a little smarter this time around?  and if someone gave me a "timeline" of either we're getting married NOW or we're not getting married... i would say screw you.


just because he hasn't gotten a divorce doesn't mean he's a terrible person and they need "counseling" (sorry! i agree counseling does wonders, but feel it gets whipped out on these boards everytime someone has an issue!  sometimes, adults just need to work out their own problems, or at least try!).  he obviously must be a good guy, or she wouldn't be with him in the first place.


and as far as baggage goes, she knew he was married/separated with kids when she met him!  she's the one that's stayed for 2 years, so I wouldn't go throwing that in his face now...


 


porps to him for putting his kids first (if that's really why he's procrastinating) its the adult and responsible thing to do. we don't know anything about his ex, maybe shes a psycho that will try to take the kids?  yes he needs to get the divorce, but this is def a 2 sided issue! not trying to bash ur girl by any means, i just think she may be being a little close minded =)  they BOTH need to start thinking about each OTHERS needs, not their own, and go from there!

Posted on July 16, 2010 at 8:29 am
doolittlebride
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doolittlebride

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I think, al0626, you are right. We don't know him but we are only giving 2nd_tymebride advice the best way we can - based on what she is being told by her friend and in turn, what she is telling us.


I can tell you though, they need counseling.  Or her friend needs it and why is it that counseling is such a bad thing to do?  "Counseling" has saved many people from themselves.  There is nothing wrong with learning how to communicate and understand you and your partner better. The freakin' divorce rate would be helped drastically if more people were self aware and could communicate better with their partners.  I'm saying they need counseling because there is a lot of miscommunication going on here by both of them.  If she is entering relationships with men that have this much going on, she needs to be really sure of herself and prepared for what's to come.  I know this because I've seen my male friend go through this.


I know myself well enough that when this kind of situation presented itself to me, I knew that I didn't want this drama.  I told my "friend" that while I really cared for him and did love him, I was wanting a different kind of relationship and that my issues alone were enough for me to deal with without the drama of his ex(es) and kids.  It was just too much for me and I was self-aware enough to do the right thing for ME.  That's not being close minded but rather the opposite.


I think deep down she realizes what I realized and understands what she needs (she wants to be married and in a commited relationship) but is emotionally torn.  It's super tough.  I never bashed the girl.  I said how hard it is to separate.  I said that she needs to decide her wants/needs and honor herself. What's hard is when someone decides, but never honors themselves and then keeps complaining about it.  This is what appears to be happening to 2nd_tymebride.


I never said she needed to give him an ultimatum.  I only said that she needed to decide if this was going to work for her.  If she wants to get married and he is not available for that, then SHE has to decide what she is going to do.  Good grief.  I never bashed either of them but just stated basic ideas of what the situation appears to be.  She has wants/needs, he may not be able to give them to her.  She needs to decide what's more important.  That's it, that's all. I simply stated that she may want to get therapy because this is going to be hard for her to make a decision and so far, she APPEARS to be miserable based on what 2nd_tymebride has posted. OK?

Posted on July 17, 2010 at 5:30 am
al0626
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al0626

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like i said, i believe counseling does wonders, but think it gets thrown around a lot.  you need to at least TRY to work out your own issues...are you just going to run to a couselor every time you have an issue?  obviously you've been thru quite a lot doolittle, but not everyone has, kwim?  and EVERYONE has some kind of baggage, no one comes "squeaky clean."


and i NEVER said you bashed them =)

Posted on July 19, 2010 at 8:53 am
akbridehi
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akbridehi

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Perhaps we are all looking into our pasts and projecting upon this guy - and maybe we are right - and maybe we are wrong.  Bottom line, your friend needs to decide if she is willing to go through this.  From what he said and what his actions have shown, he isn't running to the courthouse to get divorced - which I would expect after 2 years.  Remember, this guy hasn't even gone through the divorce yet to be scarred emotionally from the rigors of divorce.  Breaking up is hard, and divorcing even harder, so imagine where he will be mentally when he does finally get through the divorce with his ex. 


Whatever though, it's your friends choice and if she chooses to be miserable - tell her that you can't help her if she isn't willing to listen every once in a while.... 


That said, no hard feelings if anyone took something we have said the wrong way, we are just trying to help! 

Posted on July 19, 2010 at 9:53 am
2nd_tymebride
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2nd_tymebride

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Whew!  I had to read all the new posts to catch up! I really appreciate you ladies listening and commenting on this b/c I have told her everything from this post.  Now it's funny about the divorce issue, because it did come up again between them with him asking what he needs to do with the papers once they are signed.  Evidently, he "filed" once before using a paralegal to fill them out and file them, however, he says he doesn't remember the case no. and that was about a year ago.


SoI thought hmmm does this put a different spin on things, he says he filed but never had his ex served.  If, and I told her IF this is true, then he very well may need to start over.


That's the latest...I have not talked to her today.


     

Posted on July 20, 2010 at 8:30 am
BlissfulKate
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BlissfulKate

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Like my grandma always said, "Sh*t or get off the pot." Sorry - that's the way I feel about it.

Posted on July 21, 2010 at 4:57 am

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