cant stop crying and shaking...

ok. this is going to be a long story and i wasnt orginally goign to post it, but you all have been so great to me for the last year and a half that i figured you will give me the best advice.


i am getting married on saturday to a great man. BUT i was terrified of his b-party because i didnt want him drinking to much, touching strippers, smoking pot etc...


i made it very clear to him if this, we even got into a fight a few weeks ago because i was so much against it. his party was on saturday and i stayed with my parents all day/and even spent the night at their house just so i wouldnt tihnk about what he was doing at that point.. he next day my brother comes and tells me my fi had 3 lap dances. igot so upset! finally i saw my fi and i asked him and he said he only had 1, then i said my brother said he had 3 and he admitted to the 3. he was very very wasted but didnt smoke pot. i coulnt belive that he had 3 lap dances. they also went to a number of clubs and he freaked with like 50 thousand girls!


i was so upset that i coudldnt even sleep in the same bed at him. in fact, i didnt sleep all night because everytime i closed my eyes i pictured him with some nasty ass hoe naked on top of him.


this morning i calmed down a bit.. and in the car on the way to work he tells me he touched the strippers asses and tits while they were giving him lap dances! then he tells me that they went back to one of the guys house and had ANOTHER FUCKING STRIPPPPER!


 


i have been crying and shaking non stop since i found all this out. i cant handle myself. i feel like he cheated on me. i feel like he knew how upset i would get and did it anyways. i can somewhat understand the dancing and the lap dances... but why did he have to touch them? why?


my wedding is in a week and i cant even look at him. he tried to kiss me on the cheeck this mroning and i couldnt do it. i dont know whats wrong with me. most girls wouldnt react this way. i feel i cant trust him. i tried and tried to talk to him about it but after one word i start balling and he gets mad at me.


 


what am i supposed to do now?


( sorry for the misspellings, i'm not up to correcting them)

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 5:15 am
iklein
3
07/26/2008
iklein

iklein

  • 3
  • 4
  • 1.1k
22
Followers
26
Following

(68) Comments

prbetsi75
3
05/08/2010
prbetsi75

prbetsi75

  • 3
  • 11
  • 1.79k
77
Followers
80
Following

prbetsi75

Ay Inga....I'm so sorry that your FI let you down.


The only advice I would give you is that if you're going to marry him this Saturday, you're going to have to forgive him.  I know that's hard and you may not want to right now, but you can't go back and change the past, and you need to move forward.  You know that he is a great man, and you need to concentrate on that.


Not that I'm defending what he did, but his friends probably set everything up and he probably didn't have much *choice* about what they were going to do.  Obviously he didn't have to touch her, but those strippers sometimes grab the guy's hands and put them all over them.  I wouldn't be exactly thrilled if my FI had a lap dance for his Bachelor party, but as long as his mouth didn't touch her, or her mouth didn't touch him, I think I would just deal.


I know its easier said than done, but let it go.  He loves you.  He's marrying you.  He is a great man.  Its a stupid party where men feel they have to act like idiots.  But its over and done with.  Let him know that it upset you because you specifically asked him not to touch any strippers, and that you will never again tolerate that behavior.  But then you have to let it go so you can enjoy your wedding on Saturday.  Just try to remember all the wonderful things about him, and why you love him so much. 


Sending you a big *hug*!!

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 5:57 am
iklein
3
07/26/2008
iklein

iklein

  • 3
  • 4
  • 1.1k
22
Followers
26
Following

iklein

how am i supposed to let this go? everyone is telling me do that. how?

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:04 am
jess143
10
09/19/2009
jess143

jess143

  • 10
  • 13
  • 12.6k
342
Followers
345
Following

jess143

hahaha, I have the same problem, letting things go that is. I just don't know how to do it!!


 


Oh, I sent you a PM iklein =)

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:05 am
prbetsi75
3
05/08/2010
prbetsi75

prbetsi75

  • 3
  • 11
  • 1.79k
77
Followers
80
Following

prbetsi75

Forgiveness.  That's the only way you can let it go.  Again, easier said than done, I know.  Has he asked you go forgive him?  Does he seem genuinely sorry to have hurt you? 

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:08 am
HolyMolyMatrimony
5
08/31/2008
HolyMolyMatrimony

HolyMolyMatrimony

  • 5
  • 16
  • 8.81k
243
Followers
245
Following

HolyMolyMatrimony

Check you PM...

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:09 am
GondaluvsGondo
2
08/16/2008
GondaluvsGondo

GondaluvsGondo

  • 2
  • 8
  • 354
30
Followers
33
Following

GondaluvsGondo

When you told him that you didn't want him doing all that stuff, what did he say?  did he promise that he wouldn't?


Why did your brother go tell you what happened? 


If he was THAT drunk, and had all his boys rooting for him...its quite possible that he was just in the moment trying to be a "man" in front of his buddies...or maybe doesn't even had a clear recollection of what went on...


Right now, Today...what is your fear/concearn about your fiance? 


Lastly, maybe he just needed to get all the childish bachelor boy crap out of his system before honorably commiting to you, the woman he loves, next week. 

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:11 am
kristeen
10
11/22/2008
kristeen

kristeen

  • 10
  • 17
  • 12.5k
440
Followers
442
Following

kristeen

i agree with prbetsi75 -


i am a huge grudge holder (it's the sicilian in me) but in this case i try my hardest to put it behind you guys so you can enjoy the week leading up to your wedding.  you won't get this time back.  i know that's easier said than done.


i'm sorry you're going through this.

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:12 am
iklein
3
07/26/2008
iklein

iklein

  • 3
  • 4
  • 1.1k
22
Followers
26
Following

iklein

no! he is yelling at me because i cant stop crying! i have become sick over this. i have trhrown up, am burning up, my head is throbbing, i feel like im gonna faint.. not to mention i cant stop crying at all! he does not seem sorry at all


 

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:12 am
MissQnomore
4
03/14/2009
MissQnomore

MissQnomore

  • 4
  • 12
  • 4.43k
202
Followers
206
Following

MissQnomore

Ohhh Inga!!  I am so sorry you have to go through this  a week before the wedding!  I agree with everything betsi said.  He probably didn't have much choice in the matter, guys definitely rile each other up when there together, and he's still young so he probably felt 'entitled' to it before he was married.  Stupid?  YES!! But I don't think he'd be marrying you if he wasn't ready for commitment.


How is he responding to your pain?  Is he being comforting, is he assuring you that it meant nothing?  


I'd say the most important thing at this point, since you can't change the past...is to work with what you've got.  He needs to hear WHY you're so upset.  And in a calm, discussion manner.  And start it off with, I love you so much, and I can't wait to marry you, but this b-party has really scared me.  Then go into your feelings. Not just the jealousy part (which I would totally have too) but the part where it made you feel you can't trust him, where you feel like he cheated on you, that you can't get it out of your head, that you think he did have a choice what to do with his hands, and that you felt lied too b/c you had told him that you wouldn't appreciate it if there were strippers there.  Sometimes with FI I also turn it around and say...how would you feel if you had these images in your head, or if you had to deal with this?  Then he gets it.  Anyway, after you tell him your feelings rationally.... LET HIM EXPLAIN. 


Let him tell you that this isn't going to be something that happens regularly, that he's sorry for touching them (if he is) and that you're the one he's marrying b/c you're the one for him.  I'm assuming he's not normally the type of guy who frequents strip clubs since a) you are furious about it so i doubt he'd normally try and make it an issue and b) he went ALL OUT when he went.


And then Inga, you have to forgive him.  See in his eyes that this was it... and then let it go. 


 


On a side not, I have to say, I'm a bit peeved at your brother for telling you, sometimes it's just better we don't know.  But it's also nice that...yes after some probing... that your FI came clean.  Honesty is so important, even if we don't want to hear it sometimes.

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:16 am
jackieg
20
04/17/2009
jackieg

jackieg

  • 20
  • 13
  • 23.8k
337
Followers
341
Following

jackieg

so....are you saying you feel like you cannot marry him now?  is it because of the strippers or because he lied to you?  i can see being mad about the latter...but i'm not one of those girls who cares if their guy goes to a strip club, especially if its his bachelor party and as long as he didn't kiss her or sleep with her.  The thing to remember about strippers is they only want MONEY....not your men!  (however, some are willing to go to "extremes" in order to get paid.)


if you really feel like this is something you won't be able to get over...you need to be talking to your FI and your family, not us.  If not...i'll have to concur that you need to get over it and move on and forgive....especially if you want to have an enjoyable week leading up to your wedding and even your wedding day.


 

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:19 am
LAMB2009
2
05/30/2009
LAMB2009

LAMB2009

  • 2
  • 8
  • 213
50
Followers
53
Following

LAMB2009

I just sent you a PM

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:21 am
prbetsi75
3
05/08/2010
prbetsi75

prbetsi75

  • 3
  • 11
  • 1.79k
77
Followers
80
Following

prbetsi75

Some men don't respond well to tears.  They don't know what to do with themselves when they see a lot of tears.  You have to talk to him calmly and firmly as Miss Q said.  If you're too emotional, he'll just tune you out.  Once you talk to him calmly, then he'll understand why this has hurt you so much, and how much it has affected you.  Then you can let him apologize and reassure you that this won't happen again, and you two can move on.

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:23 am
MissQnomore
4
03/14/2009
MissQnomore

MissQnomore

  • 4
  • 12
  • 4.43k
202
Followers
206
Following

MissQnomore

oh yes, i agree with prbetsi!!! i definitely get more from FI when I can calm myself down and narrow down what i really want him to hear.


sometimes i'm able to calm myself by venting to a girlfriend, or i sit down and write everything i'm feeling or everything i want to say.  this helps me get it out and also focus on what i really want fi to know.

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:28 am
mhanna22
3
07/12/2014
mhanna22

mhanna22

  • 3
  • 8
  • 1.75k
49
Followers
53
Following

mhanna22

I agree with what everyone is saying...I am an EXTREMELY emotional person and I find myself crying all the time when FI and I try to discuss things....sometimes the crying only makes things worse sometimes its how I know things will be ok...For the guy its easier for him to proccess a conversation when you sit down and speak calmly but sometimes I can't do that so I do what MissQ mentioned write everything you feel down...sometimes you will realize things you didn't know before you sat down and started writing...and you can take it with you when you speak to him...but stay calm and if you start getting emotional then try reading what you wrote to him...if you can't do that maybe hand him the paper to read for himself...I'm VERY BIG on forgiveness everyone makes mistakes...and true love is unconditional...I love you inspite of your actions...but be sure that this was something he is sorry for and since he sees how upset you are and how much you are hurting he should definately be concerned and comfort you...but be sure you don't write down or say something you will regret...a few weeks ago FI and I were "discussing" something and he said "if I knew that this would constantly be an issue I wouldn't have gotten engaged"...OUCH!!! he realized after he said it he definately didn't mean it...and I forgave him for it...but I am still hurt by his words...so just mind your words and discuss with him I'm sure it was just a "boys will be boys" moment and that should be it...you don't want to ruin your wedding day and honeymoon over this...and bitterness only effects you not the other person really! So do it for you!

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:51 am
Sarahinwonderland
20
10/17/2009
Sarahinwonderland

Sarahinwonderland

  • 20
  • 15
  • 21.1k
287
Followers
291
Following

Sarahinwonderland

Oh wow. I am sorry, but you know I am sure without the wedding stress on top of this you would not be so stressed out. I understand how you feel, but he really did not cheat on you. The more you tell yourself he did, the more you will start to believe it.


My FI and I have agreed to let our bachelor parties be a free for all meaning anything goes. I am perfectly fine with that, I actually had to convince him. I know that if we did not do this that something would end up hurting me. But even though he is totally devoted to you, he is a GUY.


Definition of GUY - Someone who has a super hard time not touching a naked female when she is dancing around them.


So it was a mistake for him to do that, but welcome to the life of marriage. He is going to do a lot of things that he should not, and so will you! This should be the time where you can talk through it and just keep on chugging. Stop thinking about it like he cheated on you! It will be hard, but you must because your relationship depends on it.

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:53 am
MrsJC
1
06/21/2008
MrsJC

MrsJC

  • 1
  • 3
  • 199
5
Followers
9
Following

MrsJC

Hi, i agree with jackie, i dont care much about my man getting a lab dance or going to a strip club. we both went to LV for our B party at a diff. weekend, and we are pretty open about it.  i would rather him telling me than hiding it from me.  you have to keep in mind that: he is only telling you because he dosnt want you to find out from someone else.  at the end of the day, you have to think about who is he coming home to everyday, who is he marrying to, and who he want to spend the rest of his life with.   i know a lot of people dont like it but you also have to think about long term, if he truely wants to do these kind of things, you cannot stop him, you cant always stand behide him and say "no" and thats the reality.  you just have to trust him.


another way to express your feeling is to write him an email telling him how you feel. sometime it is easier to write and maybe he will write you back telling you how he feels.  at least this way, he will see how hurt you are and try to work this out before you big day.  

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:54 am
jackieg
20
04/17/2009
jackieg

jackieg

  • 20
  • 13
  • 23.8k
337
Followers
341
Following

jackieg

spyder...my friend Dave always says, "it doesn't matter where you work up your appetite, as long as you eat at home."  couldn't agree more...but then maybe we are the odd ones out...the ones that aren't bothered by strip clubs...


Sarah....very insightful for 19yrs old...good "definition of a guy" :)

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 6:57 am
redluv
2
05/08/2008
redluv

redluv

  • 2
  • 2
  • 328
5
Followers
9
Following

redluv

Sorry that this bugs you, but sadly this is what happend at guys bach. parties when strippers are invloved. The night of my b-party, Dh went out with the guys to a strip club. From what I hear, he had like a million lap dances. I straight out asked him if he touched or anything and he said no. Not sure if I believe him, but in that particular strip club, I know you can't touch the girls. anyway...it bugged me that night and like you (and most women) I was a little upset at the thought of him touching or whatever..even if her says he didn't. (who really knows) We are human and can't help but get upset. I would suggest talking to him more and working this out. You are obviously marrying him for many other reasons. I hope you are ok and it works out.

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 7:17 am
Kimbeerlee2
1
11/01/2008
Kimbeerlee2

Kimbeerlee2

  • 1
  • 3
  • 91
4
Followers
8
Following

Kimbeerlee2

 


I would feel exactly the same way you are feeling if I found out my FI had done that. I think you have every right to be upset.  Your story pretty much outlined my the reoccuring nightmare that I have about our wedding. I can't blame you for not wanting to try and shrug it off.  Its definitly something I would have a hard time letting go. Good luck and I hope you can somehow find a resolution so that you are able to have the amazing wedding that you deserve.

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 7:24 am
abattyref
5
10/06/2007
abattyref

abattyref

  • 5
  • 12
  • 5.59k
155
Followers
156
Following

abattyref

This is definately one of those "easier said than done" situations. I have to agree with spyder, you have to search deep within yourself and find the trust that we all know you have for your FI and think about this long term. As women, we can't really change our men, if they want to go to a strip club with their buddies, they're going to go. And, personally, I'd rather know what's going on than have my DH lie to me. I cherish the honesty and forgive indescretion. DH and I have very different feelings about strippers and lap dances, (that's why we go to strip clubs together) but DH also knows that there's a very clear line that can't be crossed. Deep down, I don't worry about other women touching him or even him touching other women, at the end of the night, he comes home to me. And the feelings go both ways if I go out with my girlfriends and some random guys get too touchy-feely. (blech) The trust we have puts our minds at ease.


Trying to talk to your man when you're an emotional mess totally sucks. I start crying right at the beginning of any fight DH and I have and I hate it... so it makes me cry even more. But, I completely agree with what Sarah said, your relationship depends on you getting over this. Your FI had a wild bachelor party, like many guys have. There were strippers involved, but your FI didn't sleep with any of them. And, when the night was over, he came home to you. If the roles were reversed and it was you at the strip clubs with a bunch of other guys, how would your FI feel about it? Ask him that and then he might begin to understand why you're so upset. Writing out an email might be a good way to get your message out. But you do have to find some forgiveness within yourself. Your health and well-being depend on it as well.


 

Posted on July 21, 2008 at 7:30 am
« 1 3 4

Have a question? Contact Support
Top Contributors this Week
LauraSweet
18 posts
jasmin77
16 posts
NicholeB
16 posts
Canooknic
15 posts
Kuppy13
14 posts
krosa
13 posts