COLD FEET!!!

I got them for the first time this weekend. When FI is around, I am fine. But if I am by myself, I start to freak out!!! This isn't suppose to happen to me!! OMG, I'm seriously freaking out. I have narrowed it down to a reason, I miss the effort. I miss the new relationship feel, the butterflys, the flowers, the "I love you" texts. I want to talk to him but don't know how. I have been dropping hints for the last 6 months like "oh, I wish I had a boyfriend to bring me fresh flowers" AND  he just laughs, but deep down inside I miss that effort.


 


Am I doomed?! Who else has had them, what worked for you? Were you able to figure out why??

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 5:25 am
jess143
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(17) Comments

beatie
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No, you're not doomed...making a commitment to one person is a very serious decision.  It's natural to have brief moments of "Oh my God".  But you also need to realize that marriage is not going to be all butterflies, flowers, and cute texts.  That stuff is common in the beginning because it's new.  That's what falling in love is about.  But that stuff all naturally becomes less frequent overtime.  What you need to remember is that it's the bigger things you and your future husband go through together that will mean the most.  The wonderful things like child birth, a new home, etc. and the difficult things like sicknesses, job loss, etc.  It's how you deal with those things together and come out the other side still together that show true love.  I found this book excerpt recently and plan to frame it and display it at my wedding.  It really speaks to what love is all about...


Love is a temporary madness;


it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.


And when it subsides you have to make a decision.


You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together


that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.


Because this is what love is.


Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement,


it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.


That is just being in love, which any fool can do.


Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,


and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.


Those that truly love have roots


that grow towards each other underground,


and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches,


they find that they are one tree and not two.


Hang in there! :)

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 5:31 am
RebelBride
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Oh Jess, you aren't doomed. I am sorry you are feeling that way. It really is just cold feet. Just keep in mind that all relationships go through that phase where it becomes "real life" you know, less I love you texts, etc, but that's the best part. When you know someone so well and feel comfortable with them and you know that they love you even without the texts.


I love were I am with FI. Sure it's not as romantic as it was 5 years ago, but it's so much better, we have different moments that I cherish. But I know what you mean. He used to call me as soon as he left work, so I knew at 6pm I was getting a phone call and looked forward to it. Then he stopped doing it (no reason), so I told him that I missed his calls and that it made me feel good when he called and that I looked forward to it and he was like "I had no idea it meant that much to you" and he was touched. So he started doing it again.


Tell him how you feel, but in a way of like, I love you and miss some of the things we used to do. Sometimes you have to come right out and tell men what you need. Dropping hints doesn't always work, they aren't as intuitive as women. Trust me, I learned that a long time ago! I hope you feel better and work through this phase.

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 5:31 am
WMforever
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06/14/2009
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sorry jess! it is cold feet but its normal. i get like that too sometimes but then, like the other girls so perfectly explained, i realize that its part of life and its not always going to be cutsey love. that will subside and what will remain is the "true form of love" which is the two of you standing side by side.


beatie, thats a beautiful poem. who's it by?

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 5:39 am
beatie
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it's from Captain Corelli's Mandolin.  I think i'm going to frame it next to our wish tree guest book...kind of symbolic...

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 5:40 am
estherson
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Beatie,


That's a great excerpt, do you know who wrote it?

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 5:41 am
Sarahinwonderland
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Its normal that you feel this way. I felt this way also, but you have to come to terms that this is the next step and you will have new things to get excited about. I talked to my FI about it and he was very understanding. Now he brings me flowers and gifts a lot more. I still miss the butterflies but now I have other things to look forward to.

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 6:25 am
Paddysgirl
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Jess- I feel the same way. When I'm alone with my thoughts, I start getting very anxious. I've felt the same way about the effort. My FI was never really romantic in the traditional sense so it's not like I'm missing the flowers etc. But I think I do feel a bit underappreciated for all I do. I've told him this and he is trying harder and doing some little things that make a difference. I say just talk to him heart to heart and tell him what makes you feel loved. RebelBride is so right. Men usually have to be hit over the head with something in order to get it. I had to tell mine what I like and it does work.

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 6:36 am
WMforever
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oh yeah. like rebelbride, sarah and paddy, i too had to talk to mine "seriously" about it. he got it and has put in more effort and seems to be concious about me not feeling underappreciated. tell him seriously how you feel. if he "laughs" about it, ask him when you can have a serious conversation about this issue. then talk about it without getting emotional and have him get what you're saying. boys need it spelled out. good luck!

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 7:40 am
its.nicsknack
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08/31/2008
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Awww...Jess, its completely normal.  Beatie said it right and I love the excerpt that she posted.  On the other hand, if you do like the little things, then say something.  More than just "subtle" hints, because he clearly hasn't picked up on them.  In my experience, when I have attempted to give my FI subtle hints, he reads them incorrectly as jabs/low-blows.  I learned its best just to talk with him. 


Good luck!!

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 7:50 am
jess143
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I will try this, but we've had the convo before. He has the potential to be sweet, and romantic. I don't know how many times we've fought because he says: ya wanna go do it?!" after I tell him i'm going to bed. No, I don't wanna DO IT, I want more than that, like it use to be. I feel soo guilty for being this way. Ph, and I used to get whistled at and stuff when I went to work, now I get nothing!! I can't get him to freaking look at me. I told him, it feels like "your horny and I'm here"...so disconnected ya know? I just don't know if he's going to get it or not. But I will do my best. I have a feeling he'll say he's working on it, then nothing will change. =( Maybe i', just freaking out, because we are getting married in ONE year!!

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 7:50 am
Paddysgirl
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Trust me, this is just that time when you start to question every little thing he does. The things that used to just bother me a little have become a huge deal. You know. I start wondering whether if he doesn't clean the kitty litter boxes now does that mean he won't change a diaper if we have kids? Things like that. I get do hyper aware of everything he does that I want him to do differently. But then when I sit back at how far he's come, I have to say I'm impressed. He never knew how the little things mean so much(like making sure my tires on my bike have air before he went away on a trip and took his bike pump). I know you think it seems selfish to want these things but they're important and you have every right to want a relationship to go both ways. That 'disconnected' feeling will happen now and again. It's normal. But if you can realize that it's happening, you can do something to improve things. Hang on there. You will go through these phases as you get closer. They will pass.

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 8:25 am
jess143
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thanks Paddy, I already feel better =) It's nice knowing there are other people that feel the same way as me. I asked FI if he things he'll get cold feet at  some point, he said no, but you probably will" lol. I guess it's just me to over think things =)

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 8:38 am
Paddysgirl
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You're welcome. I totally over-think things too. You're not alone. :-) I'm glad you feel a bit better. I can't wait for my mom to arrive next month. She will help keep me sane 'cause I can say anything to her. I have to wonder if more brides get cold feet than grooms. I've asked a few guy friends as well as my FI if they got nervous before the wedding. They all said no. Prolly 'cause they didn't have to worry about all the little details;-)

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 9:14 am
jess143
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oh, and that's another thing, FI got cold feet with his first wife, look at how well that went! lol. The were divorced within 6 months after the wedding! I think i'm just freaking myself out.


 


It's so great that you can talk you can talk to your mom. I wish I could talk to mine. If you need to talk about our cold feet, feel free to PM me!

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 9:20 am
d1rtymart1n1
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aaww jess.. dont feel bad...


remember that it's not all good all the time - that's fiction - it's called Stepford Wives =)


marriage is not going to be all flowers and text messages - and it shouldnt be.  you need the bad to appreciate how "the good" is - and you need the good to remind you of what to work for when the shit is bad.


marriage is not going to be 50-50; sometimes it's 90-10, sometimes 30-70; and it's not always you working at it more - but what marriage is - is working together and communicating the needs you both have and how you can both fulfill those within the realm of compromise


some may think marriage is :constricting: b/c you're only with one person - but it's within that commitment that you are both truly free - free to grow as individuals, free to grow as a couple - free to voice you opinions even (especially) if it's not the popular one.  it's only through a "disastrous" fight or a mild disconnect that you learn how to address issues as they come up - life is gonna have alot more curveballs than this - and you have to set aside the bullshit to focus on the covenant and promise "...all the days of my life"


hang in there!

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Paddysgirl
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Better words were never said d1rty. I think you captured what love really is. For me it's about growing and learning as people. It'be so easy for me to say, "this isn't perfect, or that isn't perfect about it and us" but I find just when I'm getting to the end of my robe, he'll do something unexpected and totally me. As in he really knows who I am. He knows I love Audrey Hepburn and he knows that I cry every time at the end of Breakfast at tiffany's but he loves and thinks is sweet. It takes time to get to know the ins and outs of someone. And still want to be with them when all is said and done.

Posted on August 18, 2008 at 8:18 pm
3monkeys
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beatie i love that verse 2 i think framing it would look lovley near your wishing well or guest sign in book! you have inspired me! thank you!

Posted on August 20, 2008 at 12:18 am

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