Definitely not wedding related- need advice....

Some of you know me and some of you don't. I'd like to get some serious life changing advice from all of you women who have either gone through a similar situation, or just want to try to help.

Here goes: back in 2010 when I first got engaged to my DH I knew when it came down to inviting people that my parents and some of the rest of my family would want to know why I wouldn't want to invite one of my uncles (my mothers brother). I've kept a secret from my family for over 20 years.... My DH said that I had to let everyone know the truth and that everyone would be completely supportive and understand. Boy was I wrong!

My uncle is a child molester and I was one of his victims. When you are young you pretty much block it all out of your mind, when you get a little older you start remembering things- perhaps some flashbacks here and there. So when it was time to tell my mom that her brother molested me her response was "I thought he just touched your boob." That's a direct quote.... That's the first of many shocks. Lets just say he did only do that to me (which he didn't, he did worse) what makes that OK? I told my mom that and she just said "we'll he's been asking for you and is wondering why he isn't invited." I was silent.... Did she not just hear me say that he molested me for years? I actually had to reach out to an older MALE cousin of mine who was actually molested by my uncle back when they were teenagers, to try and talk some sense into my mother.

My mother never understood why I couldn't just let "this one thing go." There's the second shock....

Now it's 2012, I've been married for a little over a year now and my uncle was not invited to my wedding.

Back in September we all had a family reunion (my mothers side) and another aunt and uncle who I don't speak to (some of you ladies know that whole story....) came to the reunion. Now, this aunt and uncle (this uncle is a brother to the uncle that molested me) know what my uncle did to me and I asked them several times "when we are in a room together please never mention his name to me, I just don't want to hear this assholes name and I don't care about him." Well.... At the the reunion they mentioned him in front of me and asked why he didn't come. Another shock!

I left the reunion and my mother came out after me and she didn't understand why a name would affect me so much. I just couldn't believe she was saying these words to me.

Now my dad was there and didn't understand why I was so upset. So I told my DH to just tell my dad the truth. So DH tells my dad what my uncle did to me and his response was "yea I heard about that.... Didn't that happen a long time ago? Why's she still upset?"

I've lost how many shocks I'm up to right now but HOLY SHOCK BATMAN! Who says that!!!!????

So now it's the holiday season and I've talked to my parents since September and things seem to be better. I've expressed my feelings and my mother has listened.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving dinner at my cousins house.... I decided to do a little something different for my parents on Xmas eve since they will be 100% completely alone this year. They aren't hosting anything and my sister works until late at night (corrections officer) I suggested that we all go out to dinner, my DH and I would pay for it, OR get something catered so they wouldn't have to worry about cooking and cleanup.

My dad yelled in my face, told me I was breaking my mothers heart and that my grandmother was turning in her grave because I was ruining family tradition.

My dad and my mother later on we're so passionate, sensitive and emotional over a SUGGESTION about dinner yet their reactions hearing that there daughter was molested by an immediate member of the family was just shrugged off.

That was the last shock I wanted to experience from my parents....

Now I've grown up with verbal abuse from both my parents, so this recent thing that just took place plus the past has made me realize that I really don't want a relationship with them anymore- like at all.

They are pushing me away and I feel like its a losing battle with them. I have to try to keep the family together but I never asked for that job! Everyone wants me to do everything and I'm the youngest..... I've been hurt by this family for over 20 years and they expect me to just take their abuse and pretend to enjoy holidays with them and just be there for them when they feel like it.

I'm wanting to walk away completely from my parents but I really don't know how, or if I really should..... I just need some outside perspectives.
Posted on November 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm
LaraD2mRdr
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LaraD2mRdr

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(10) Comments

Canooknic
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Canooknic

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Wow Deanne, what a horrible situation to be in, I am so sorry that you have been hurt so terribly.

How your parents have behaved is unacceptable in my opinion. The most basic of roles for a parent is to protect their children from any harm, not to shrug it off like its no big deal. I can't I even I agine how they are living with themselves.

As for how to proceed with the relationship unfortunately only you can decide that. I would seriously suggest that you get so e professional help to get things clear in your own mind, regardless of what the future hold for you and your parents.

It's really lovely to know that you're still around, even if it's under such horrid circumstances.

Big hugs xxx
Posted on November 25, 2012 at 2:10 pm
IdoAgain20years
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IdoAgain20years

IdoAgain20years

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IdoAgain20years

OMG- I have and AM so going through what you are right now.


You sound like me and as I was reading I could not help, but feel what you experienced.


I was raped by my uncle and I put it out of my head for years. I was 16 when I "remembered


Please do what will make you comfortable. No one knows how you feel better than you do. No one can tell you how to react when you hear, or see a person and please know that your feelings are VALID!


If you want to read how I handled this please read a snippet of my story below.


My husband has ALWAYS known and I basically told him right off because I told him I was afraid to have sex. I assumed he was not a virgin and I was wrong and that helped immensely.


I got married to Mark and had kids. There were many issues with this and the fact that to this day I have nightmares and have tried pushing him away because of the trauma.


In 2003 I told my family what HE (Uncle) did and OMG THEY said I was the DEVIL They said I was evil!! That I wanted him to and that I was "experienced".


I took him to court, because he made me tell him and his wife exactly what he did to me. I was again isolated and put in an unsafe place. He confessed, and he confessed to the police, but due to a technicality he got off. He lied and said I was 3 which would have made him 17.


I am not allowed by law to say his name in conjunction with MY story. I would be sued for slander or libel or something.


Fast forward to my grandparents dieing in 2010 I TRIED to be a "Bigger Person" I Tried to sweep it under the rug.I tried to say it did not matter because if I did not my AUNT was not going to allow me to attend the funeral of my grandparents.


Last spring my Mother inherited some money from their passing and they were going to buy their first HOUSE! I realize this is a big deal. Here comes the BLOODY HELL OF IT ALL!


MY uncle helped my parents buy their house! They told me that he is a changed person and I should be THANKFUL TO HIM!!!


I can tell you there is a lot of B.S. I am leaving out due to this being public, but suffuce it to say . . .


I no longer speak to my parents. I DO NOT have anything to do with tha side of the family.


I only see my two younger siblings and refuse to see the youngest and his GF who posted a bunch of lies on her FB page. I am 38 years old and I think I know my family better than someone who is 22 and has only been around 2 years. She was trying to tell people I lied about being raped. HE CONFESSED to the police it is in the court records and 100+ people heard him say it.


So here we are now. . .


I will not subject myself nor my children to any kind of abuse and ridicule. I will NOT deal with Certain Names being mentioned and I sure the hell will NEVER be greatful to that person and I am sure you understand. I have not seen nor spoken to my family since June of this year. I did not call my mother on her birthday. I did not call for my brothers birthday and I did not call for Thanksgiving.


Oh here is the kicker. . . That house they bought is 2 miles from mine. I honestly have not even seen them at the stores. They shop on the OTHER side of the New Hampshire line.


 


 

Posted on November 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm
LaraD2mRdr
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LaraD2mRdr

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IDo- that's an awful story.... And I feel like what you went through is so similar to my situation and the decision you made will ultimately have to be my decision. Thank you for sharing it was very brave of you.
Posted on November 25, 2012 at 2:58 pm
chrissyrenaegray
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chrissyrenaegray

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Lara, I am so sorry that you are going through this--it's bad enough what you had to experience that, but to go through the rest of this with your family is insane.  I wish I knew what to say, but I honestly don't.  I could say that you have to step back from your parents for awhile, but that may do more harm than good.  I just don't know.  But please know that I'm thinking of you and hoping that things can change for the positive.

Posted on November 25, 2012 at 3:08 pm
LaraD2mRdr
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LaraD2mRdr

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LaraD2mRdr

Thank you very much :)
Posted on November 25, 2012 at 3:35 pm
IdoAgain20years
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IdoAgain20years

IdoAgain20years

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IdoAgain20years

Lara,


It was hard for me to do, but I had to do what was best for me and my kids. If I were only thinking about me, I probably would not have made that decision. However, my husband and my councilor cannot believe how healthy I have been since I did this.


Please do talk to a councilor.


Please remember that someday your parents will not be here on this earth and that is something to consider.


The fact is I thought about and enacted each of their funerals WITH my councilor and honestly I had no feelings. It was very odd, but I realized long ago that my mother was NEVER there for me. Nor was my father. Everything I did was to make them happy, but when I tried to think about the times I needed them they just were not there. I was more concerned about how what happened to me would affect them.


Be strong and you will get through this too! Your husband will be there for you!


Hugs!

Posted on November 26, 2012 at 1:18 am
leni8
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leni8

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leni8

*SHOCK* So sorry to hear all of these!


Do whatever makes you feel good incide! Trust your instingt and inner gut! 

Posted on November 26, 2012 at 1:39 am
LaraD2mRdr
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LaraD2mRdr

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Before I make any decisions- I have scheduled to see my doctor tomorrow and discuss this whole thing. Thanks again ladies!
Posted on November 26, 2012 at 2:44 am
Sammy_D
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WOW. I am so sorry you are going through this...I don't know what else to say to express sympathy, this is just horrible all the way around. It's good that you are able to verbalize the issues and not hold it all inside. I think your parents sound very much like they are denial about the molestation...I know that happens and you need to keep calming asserting what happened until they believe it. Eventually they will come around. I also think talking with a professional would be a great idea - for  you alone and perhaps with your parents as well. You may realize all the issues that could surface relating to what happened to you and a counselor will help talk you through it all and will keep enforcing the idea that it is NOT your fault...because clearly your parents will be no help there. I never like to see kids cut parents out of their lives, but sometimes it is necessary. I wouldn't give up just yet - see if they are open to talking with a counselor, or maybe you should talk to one first and see if the professional has any tips about how to open up a dialogue with your parents. At the very least maybe agree to meet for holidays on a casual basis, and make it very clear to them why you are limiting interaction. HUGS - I feel for you and hope that you are able to make the best out of a horrible situation.

Posted on November 26, 2012 at 5:35 am
DansMrs
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Wow just wow. I'm so so sorry you're going through this and I'm happy that you have your DH to lean on/stand up for you. My advice? You need to put you first. You need to follow your heart and do what's right for you, heart, body, and soul.


I'm appalled by your families insensitivity to what you went through as well as a lack of action against your Uncle on top of the verbal abuse. I was verbally abused by my father and can't tell you how much good it did me to walk away from him.


I'm sending you LOTS and LOTS of HUGS and will be sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Posted on November 26, 2012 at 12:02 pm

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