depression and marriage

So we are 39 days away from the big day :)
But I'm not excited.
I've struggled with depression for a long time. Even before I knew what it was. But when I met Kyle I was really happy for the first time ever. Everyone noticed a difference. I got called healthy, happy, comfortable in my own skin. Such high compliments for someone who struggled for so long to get out of bed each day. And slowly slowly slowly the symptoms have surfaced one by one by one. Again. I'm crying whenever no one is around. I feel weighed down and scared all the time. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm hungry hbut nothing satisfies. And I'm snappy and irritated with FI all the time. Picking fights. And everyday I'm just making myself hate me even more. I can see it in his eyes he loves me but he doesn't know what's wrong or how to help. The closer we get the more stressed I get the more the depression surfaces. I cant seem to make it stop. All I want is to be married to him and make him happy. To have a life side by side. I know he won't leave and I won't either. But its just hard right now. I don't want to be like this but every dollar we have goes in to the wedding after all the financial setbcks we've had I can't go shell out the 150 dollars for the counseling sessions I know I need. Idunno I'm just scared ill never get better and ill always be a burden to him. I guess I just really need some encouragement ladies.
Posted on November 18, 2012 at 5:02 am
whatleycrue
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12/27/2012
whatleycrue

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(18) Comments

pavez19
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07/14/2012
pavez19

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pavez19

First of all, big hugs to you.


Second of all, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. Depression is an illness and you can't blame yourself for it.


As a psychologist, I would said that even thought money is an issue, you need to ask for help if you feel that you're struggling again with depression. It's tricky and before you notice it, it can get a lot worse and have bad consequences :(. Even if you're not going to counseling, do you have any phisician you could talk with? Maybe he could give you something to start with, the time that your finances get back to normal?


And being 39 days before your wedding probably doesn't help. Stress is a big precursor of depression so try to take some time for you and delegate to diminish the stress. And even though I'm sure you don't feel like doing this right now, exercise is very very good for helping with this symptoms.


And in any case, you have to talk to someone close to you if you ever feel really really bad! And we'll be here on PW to listen to you as well.


You're gonna make it sweetie. Take care of yourself. xxx

Posted on November 18, 2012 at 5:44 am
alyciamarlene
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07/23/2011
alyciamarlene

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alyciamarlene

Awe hun, if you ever need someone to talk to you have all of us PW gals!!


I am a nursing student, doing my rotation on a psych unit right now so depression is something I see people struggle with almost every day. As well, I myself have struggled with it. 


As pavez said, stress is a huge precursor so some of the stresses of being 39 days out can really set off depressive symptoms. The biggest thing we try to implement on our unit for people with depression is a normal sleep routine. Going to bed at the same time, getting up at the same time. It can seem like such a small thing but having control over your sleep schedule can help put more control back in to your life. 


Are there things that you can identify as your major stressors, or triggers at this point? If so you can try and think about them and come up with strategies to face them. Again, this is a control thing. 


Have you considered going on anti-depressants? I know it is a huge decision, but just remember that you are not a depressed person. You are a person suffering from depression. Going on medications is stigmatized to be such a terrible thing but it is not. There are some wonderful medications on the market and it is not a sign of weakness to admit that there is something out of your control and that there are things you can do to make yourself feel better. (Not saying you think this way but I see people everyday that do and I find it so sad that there is such a stigma around mental illness).


If you ever need anyone to talk to I am only a PM away. I hope you start to feel better soon, and if there is anything I can do please please please do not hesitate to contact me!

Posted on November 18, 2012 at 7:02 am
She1
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07/12/2013
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I agree with pavis, you need to talk to someone...maybe have a sit down with FI, tell him your sorry for lashing out, but explain to him what your going threw and how hard it is to control...maybe he can help to defuse an episode before it escalates if hes more aware of your condition. I have struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life...bipolar,borderline,manic depression  and clinical depression all run in my family ...DH is aware of my chemical imbalance ,most of the time he can tell when something is going on,but if he can't ,I tell him and he is pretty good about calming me down..holding me tight and telling me to take deep breaths when I lash out, cry and hyperventilate ect. Im sure your fi can help you threw this,if he knows whats going on with you. The stress of planing a wedding is enough to put a  completely balanced person on edge, so I can imagine its very difficult  for you...I know it was for me, but your day is around the corner and when it arrives just enjoy it, think about marrying your love and how you wont have to plan anymore after :) that should be a big weight off your shoulders.I truly hope you start feeling better soon.Big HUGS!

Posted on November 18, 2012 at 7:38 am
pinktulip
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07/30/2011
pinktulip

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I too suffered from depression.  This took place after highschool.  There were days when i could not get out of bed.  I got help.  Talking to someone and meds helped me get out of depression.  I suffer from an anxiety disorder and have to take meds for that now.  One thing that helped me was telling myself daily that no one time in life is permanent.  This time shall pass.  I really do suggest talking to someone.  Remember how good you felt during good times.  Hope for this to come in the near future.  Do things that make you happy.  I had to switch colleges, quit my job, and take people out of my life.  I do things now to make me happy.    

Posted on November 18, 2012 at 8:00 am
Yasmin84
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10/26/2013
Yasmin84

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I too have suffered depression and I know how it feels and FI know all about it cause he been through a fair amount of it with me. I agree with the other ladies see if you can talk to someone about it and maybe you need to talk to FI about it so he's know whats going on.


 


You should focus on the good even thought being 39 days away from a wedding can be very stressful. You need to take some time out for yourself aswell.Sending love and hugs your way and all the PW ladies are here for you oxox

Posted on November 18, 2012 at 9:32 am
janandgerald
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03/26/2016
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Count me in also, I battle depression mine came when both my parents passed away. I have even tried suicide, but the stress of a wedding can really set it off. I agree  with all the other ladies. Do you have a doctor? and if so can you talk to he/she?  Is there anyone helping you? Maybedelegating some of the task on your to-do list to others can give you an opportunity to just take care of you.

Posted on November 18, 2012 at 10:08 am
Santosha
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06/16/2012
Santosha

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*BIG hug*  I think these lovely ladies are onto some really good advice.  Your mental/emotional well being comes above anything else, even if your wedding is 39 days away.  And I'm sure your FI would agree to that as well.  If anything, talk to someone and share your situation, how you're feeling and all the symtoms.  The most important thing is that you're OKAY, first and foremost.  <3

Posted on November 18, 2012 at 10:53 am
IdoAgain20years
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IdoAgain20years

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IdoAgain20years

{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}


I have suffered from and am now in recovery from BiPolar Disorder. 3 years symptom free.This is a kind of Depression that then cycles into wild Highs of euphoria. I would cycle 3 to 4 times a year So, I do have a small idea of what you are going through.


I have a question for you,  Have you thought about marrying him NOW?


I am not saying not to have your party, but rather get the LEGAL marriage part done and Then you can just have FUN on the wedding day. You can even do the whole vows again, just make sure the priest knows that he does not need to submit to the state. That way the pressure is off?


As a person who has to be VERY careful with stress and trust me this is hard, I AVOID anything that will cause it, That includes worrying about details!


When I got married 20 years ago I was also going through depression. I just used this method: KISS! Keep It Simple Silly  and it Solves everything.


I used guide lines so that way nothing would disappoint me. I did not plan I just let things happen. I then worked around those things.


Also, I am not sure where you live BUT Peer Support Centers ARE all over the country and they are FREE or VERY low Cost. I am a member of one in Southern New Hampshire and I would be happy to help you research ones in your area. They are about support through group experience. They do not medicate and they do not treat. They are there to help and offer an ear and suggestions.


The biggest thing you need to know is that you are NOT ALONE! So many of us have been there and still so many more who suffer in silence. You don't need to. Also, please talk to your Husband to Be. I am sure he is scared. I realize that this is probably difficult, but if you keep the lines of communication open now, they will always be open in the future.


Again Big Hugs to you and I promise you will be at 20 years in a blink of an eye.


We are at 20 years and are still trying to figure how time got by us. Our oldest is now preparing for the military and our youngest is in grade 6. I was only 19 and he was 22 when we first said I do.


 

Posted on November 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm
M.Jones
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First of all, you have to understand why are you behaving in such a way? Is this something related to your family, career or something else..??? Sit and talk to your FI... ask for his support. As you don't want to spend money on counselling. Talk to your FI as much as you can. I am sure you both can find a way to deal with this problem. Try to remain happy. And don't convince yourself for being depressed. 

Posted on November 18, 2012 at 10:57 pm
Sammy_D
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Sammy_D

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Hugs dear! I can't imagine what this must be like for you - know that we are all here when you need to get anything out. I read two things you wrote that sound very hopeful - much of your stress and anxiety is caused by all the money going toward the wedding (and believe me I know exactly how that feels), and that you know FI will never leave you, that you will be together nomatter what. That is the most important thing - cling to that and everything else will eventually fall into place.


That said - have you ever considered just doing a simple courthouse wedding for the two of you? No stress, no fuss, and you could save a TON of money. Take what you need out the savings and get your counseling sessions and whatever else will help make you feel better. Then use the rest and/or save for a nice reception with friends and family down the road. Just an idea - but I would think it might feel awfully liberating to just throw off those financial contraints and focus on what it means for the two of you to be married.


And you can't blame yourself, really and truly. I've had several friends and family members struggle with depression and it is a disease. Even you when lay there in bed knowing it's crazy and you should just get up - sometimes you can't and that is no fault of your own. It's brain chemistry pure and simple. It's very important that you talk to somebody and consider medication, the longer you let it go on the worse it will be. Sending good vibes your way dear!!!

Posted on November 19, 2012 at 1:05 am
whatleycrue
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12/27/2012
whatleycrue

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whatleycrue

Thanks ladies <3 For all the support and encouragement. Everyone says to talk to someone its just hard. The only time I ever talked to someone about it she wanted to take me to a psych hospital and have me admitted. The thought of that was so incredibly terrifying. I have struggled with it as long as I can remember. I don't know if I was born that way or if it just happened when I was little. My dad had been divorced twice and married 3 times by the time I was 6. And everytime it just seem like no one wanted me. My second stepmom was abusive all growing up but I always felt like it was my fault for screwing up my dad's other marraiges so I kept my mouth shut I wasn't going to hurt the only person who loved me any more. Everyone at school hated me. Picked on and bullied everyday. And it just never got better. I turned on myself. Ended up with an eating disorder and quite a few scars. But I just kept shielding everyone from my problems and from myself. Something had to be wrong with me if no one liked me. Once I was old enough I started turning to men for love. generally older men and got myself in some pretty bad situations. When I met FI my whole world changed. I told him everything I had done and he didnt run away from me. Just loved me even more. I talked to him a little about whats going on last night. But its just hard because no matter what I say he feels like its his fault and I hate that. As for alleviating the stress I'm trying to but its hard to let go of the one thing we already booked but really can't afford now....the photographer. I really wanted one and to let go of the stress of the money means letting go of that dream. GRRRRRR! And as for getting married now and saving up for the reception we've already paid for the venue (4,000) and can't get our money back. So unfortunately doing that would mean we'd be out a whole year of saving and scrimping and we'd be starting over so thats really not an option. But on December 16th I'll be out of school so that will be one less thing on my plate and then dec. 20th I'll be off work til the wedding. I'm just trying to make it til then. Thank you again ladies. It's nice having a community. Especially since I really don't have any friends.

Posted on November 19, 2012 at 1:48 am
IdoAgain20years
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IdoAgain20years

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IdoAgain20years

Well, do you know any photographer friends? I mean a lot of people have really nice cameras.


There are all kinds of books and by going through various pictures they can learn how to pose.


As a photographer I can tell you that MOST decent AUTO FOCUS DSLR's will take GREAT pics and trust me it is just in the posing.


I have never spent that much on a wedding. My first wedding was $750 and that included the dresses for me and the girls.


For my re-newal it is still less than $500 and the most expensive part is the hall for $150.


I am a DIY kind of bride and my business contacts are ALL helping me. One of my clients is a DJ so he is playing the music and doing that stuff for us.


Amy is a Photographer and is in training for weddings and does some amazing work and she and I will be practicing various poses we like. In exchange for my pics I will help her with a website AND with being a testamony.


Ruzzel is a local muscian and is playing our processional.


These are all free for us.


Getting people starting out is often the way to go for us budget watchers!

Posted on November 19, 2012 at 2:03 am
MrsCaleYoung
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06/30/2012
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Hello Dearest!


I am so, so, sorry you are going through this 39 days before your wedding! All of the other ladies offered great advice so I am going to respond to your biggest stressor, the photographer. 


I do not suffer from depression but my father does and he battles with other forms of mental illness. Three months before my wedding I was not happy at all and just wanted the day to get here and be over with. My father's depression was so bad that I did not even know if he would be well enough to walk me down the aisle. This was very important to me because my mother passed away last year so it meant the world to me to have my dad walk me down the aisle. Everything that can go wrong for a wedding WENT WRONG weeks before the wedding, the day before and the day of. My wedding planner bailed out on me three months before my wedding and I was so blessed that Jan who is JanandGerald on PW coordinated my wedding ceremony. My friend Brenda did the reception. Me and DH ended up cooking our own food for the wedding because one week before the day the caterer raised the price a couple of thousands. My friend Brenda helped cook as well and my brother in law. The day before my wedding I was running around doing last minute things and slice my hand open so bad I thought I was going to need stitches. The day of the limo was late, I got mud on my dress, the aisle runner got left at home, all the bridesmaids flowers died because it was so hot the day of and the stand for the rose ceremony got left as well. 


I know your like, she is NOT MAKING ME FEEL BETTER! But there is a shining star at the end of all this darkness. Right before I was to walk down the aisle, I laid eyes on DH. Nothing and no one mattered except MY CALE. Everything that went wrong faded away and all I thought about is wow, I am marrying my soulmate. The song I was supposed to walk down on didn't play either, (lol) but I marched on down that aisle. We had a photographer, but not the one I wanted. Although he captured many moments, he did not capture some moments that I wish he would have. So on my 1 year anniversary, we are having a photo session with the photographer I originally wanted and I am so excited!


So my dear, the moral of the story is I know you want your dream day, but the magic of the day, truly, is you marrying the man who holds you when you cry. . .the man who makes you smile even when you don't want to. . .the man that makes your heart skip a beat. As IdoAgain suggested, have some friends take pictures or you could leave dispoable cameras for everyone to use to capture moments. You will be in my thoughts and prayers! Hugs and kisses all the way from Michigan - Tressy

Posted on November 19, 2012 at 2:48 am
whatleycrue
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12/27/2012
whatleycrue

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whatleycrue

Thanks Tressy <3

Posted on November 19, 2012 at 6:52 am
MrsCaleYoung
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You are so welcome sweetie!!!! I can't wait for your day to get here!

Posted on November 19, 2012 at 6:54 am
IdoAgain20years
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IdoAgain20years

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IdoAgain20years

I have a few poems for you that I would like to share. I am putting these into a little book I am making for my celebration. Tea really does help no matter what ails!


“As far as her mom was concerned, tea fixed everything. Have a cold? Have some tea. Broken bones? There's a tea for that too. Somewhere in her mother's pantry, Laurel suspected, was a box of tea that said, 'In case of Armageddon, steep three to five minutes'.”
? Aprilynne Pike, Illusions


A true friend
Warms you with their presence
Trust you with their secrets
Remembers you in their prayers
and listens to you over a hot cup of tea



This was from my Favorite author!


A cup of tea would restore my normality.”
? Douglas Adams


I may not be there with you, but I promise the next time you have a hot cup of tea that I know it will warm you and calm you and that if you message me I will listen to your words over my own hot cup of tea.



Posted on November 19, 2012 at 12:14 pm
whatleycrue
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12/27/2012
whatleycrue

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<3 that would mean a lot to me. I guess I better run out and get some tea to stock my pantry :)

Posted on November 19, 2012 at 3:12 pm
IdoAgain20years
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IdoAgain20years

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IdoAgain20years

I mail tea bags to friends who are too far away to have a cup of tea with them along with a letter.

Posted on November 19, 2012 at 10:39 pm

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