Father in law DRAMA - long...sorry!

Hi Ladies - Need your advice!!! So FI and I are having an intimate wedding (130 ppl) well trying...I come from a huge family, so 80 of those ppl are my side of the family, like mom and dad's bro and sisters, first cousins only. FI's family is from out of state. So probably only 20 or less are coming...he has a small immediate family. Both are parents are divorced, my mom and dad remarried, and so did his mom. But his dad, is free willy...dating women my age(i'm going to be 35). He's 54, and the women he dates are between 35 and 40. So, getting to the point her. FI and I made a rule that our friends or family, that are NOT married or engaged, CANNOT, bring a date. Why would you want a stranger at your wedding? So FIL lives out of state and happens to date a woman here in l.a., and wants to take her. We told him our rule, and felt it did not apply to him since he's dad, which I can understand, but he's only dated this woman for a year, and we never met her, and he has girlfriends locally where he's from, and most likely surrounding states. So he's pretty upset, and is being difficult. I was going to let it go and let him be and take her, and left it into my FI's hand to make the final decision. But FI felt the same way as me, (YAY!) and spoke to his dad today. Well...I was willing to compromise, since he is contributing to the wedding, but he told my FI that "IT WASN'T ABOUT US"...that the wedding is for everybody else BUT US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So FI hung up on his dad...and will call him tomorrow. So what are you thoughts? Our first voice of reason is 1)it's our wedding...our rules 2) it's inappropriate, b/c we know that he will expect to have "his date" sit up at the front FAMILY row...next to his ex-wife and her husband, and FI's grandmother...NOT!!! 3) she's "not the one" nor does he ever intend to get marreid, so what will I tell our kids, his grandkids, who that woman standing next to you and dad with grandpa in your wedding album is...30 years from now. They might she's his illegimate daughter cuz she's so young LOL 4)IT's OUR WEDDING!!!!!

help!
Posted on June 1, 2008 at 2:24 pm
INSUREGRL
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(18) Comments

RJJ0205
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10/11/2008
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Let him bring her but do not allow her to sit at the family table
Posted on June 1, 2008 at 2:27 pm
INSUREGRL
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Thanks...but knowing him, he will want her to sit at the family table, sit upfront next to FI's mom and her husband, be in all the family pictures...wrong, wrong...it's just wrong. I don't want to have to be vindictive or rude about not including her. I just don't want to even deal with it, or have to accomodate her. Every person at our wedding is family, or made an impact in our lives one way or the other. We don't even know her. And who's to say that she'll even be around in the years to come?

btw...he's not making a big contribution, my parents are actually paying the bulk of the wedding. He's just taking care of the bar b/c my family doesn't not drink. Probably only 30 ppl at my wedding drink, including him, so he's paying for that.
Posted on June 1, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Eugugoly82
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10/10/2008
Eugugoly82

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When I first started reading your story, I thought.."No biggie, just let him bring her, just tell your photog not to take photos of her." ;o) But then after reading the comment that he made, about the wedding not being about you and your FI, I would've bitch-slapped him straight through the telephone! That's crazy! If he is going to make remarks like that then there is absolutely NO WAY, you should accomodate her now!

So sorry you have to deal with this! :o(
Posted on June 1, 2008 at 3:04 pm
INSUREGRL
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LOL! thanks for the laugh! FI and I were laughing at your "bitch slapping" comment. Yeah, he mentioned how it's about the guests...WHAT? so maybe we should charge the guests a cover fee since it's about them then. LOL

Yeah, see, I was going to move on as well and say, just let him bring a date and let's be done with his drama. But then he went and said IT's NOT ABOUT YOU GUYS...oh hellllllllllllllllll no!!!!!!!!!!!! it's on! I'm putting up a fight.
Posted on June 1, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Eugugoly82
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haha Totally! You can see that your FIL is just kind of sour about not being able to bring her, but hopefully he realizes that what he said was just WRONG, and apologizes. Its horrible to have to deal with family members on bad terms, especially when its supposed to be a day of love and happiness!

I hope things turn around for you and your FI! :o)
Posted on June 1, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Ms.Sumomo
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06/24/2007
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Hi Insure - I'm sorry about the drama with your FFIL. I don't really have a sensible advice. If it was me, I wouldn't let him bring a date...a rule is a rule.

Good luck and keep me posted!!!
Posted on June 1, 2008 at 4:01 pm
d1rtymart1n1
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12/04/2009
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well well well!! why does family always seem to think they make their own rules!! my cousin TOLD me her husband wouldnt want to come and that she was going to bring a co-worker--- and one who i dont really care for either! to which i replied - bring marcos or come alone. i'm not feeding someone i dont like and who isnt on the list... but that's differnt - she didnt give me life...

so dad wants to bring his "flava of the month" to the wedding?? i have to say that i'm biased about bringing strangers to a wedding - that was actually fh's and my first road trip - a week after we met - BUT his invite was for "+ guest" so i guess technically, he was given the green light from his buddy first...

this sitch right here--- wrong wrong wrong... she's not married to your ffil - and sounds like she's just one of many "lady friends" so why should she sit with fmil & her husband?? maybe he feels like he cannot attend alone b/c fmil has remarried??

soooooo many people in my family have told me that the wedding "show" is for everyone else, not just the me & fh - "it's about the village that raised you and nurtured you..." which is another reason why we're eloping this august and having "the show" next year...

so i just had word vomit - sorry - i do have a point somewhere...

a few qs:
1. how is this going to affect your fh's relationship with his dad?
2. would it make a difference if you knew this woman?
3. would you mind if this was a more serious gf of ffil?
4. is it his attitude and "delivery" of his expectation that is making you not want to budge on this?

devil's advocate q: if this was you and one of your kids was getting married and s/he told you that you couldnt bring a companion/date - how would you feel?? i mean from his point of view, he's a grown man who has raised this child and now they're telling you "no date b/c you're not engaged"...

i'm not taking his side but something to think about... this is your wedding, so the only "correct" answer is the one you and fh have for yourselves

hang in there and be true to yourselves =)

>>>
Posted on June 1, 2008 at 6:11 pm
d1rtymart1n1
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12/04/2009
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oh i forgot in my rambling--- yes it is about bride & groom, but when i "mentioned" to my aunt we were thinking about just eloping - she cried and said, "aye anak - please dont - we all love you so much and want to see you get married - even tho your mom is no longer here - we are still here - we are your family, we helped raise you, we burped you, we bought you toys, we followed you from pampers to now - i still remember when your parents brought you home from the hospital... please dont leave us out of your day"


hence, another reason for our 2 weddings...and why we're keeping silent about the elopement...
Posted on June 1, 2008 at 6:19 pm
prbetsi75
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05/08/2010
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I agree with RJJ, let him bring her but do not allow her to sit at the family table. That's a fair compromise, and if he doesn't agree to that, then he can't bring her. Period!
Posted on June 2, 2008 at 4:41 am
ehyih
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09/13/2008
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I've always known the wedding's not really for me. Of course it's ABOUT me, but it's not really held FOR me. If it were all for me, I'd prob just get a civil ceremony at the county court and forget about all this splurging and painful planning. Why would I wanna spend 20k+ on creating a beautiful wedding if I didn't want everyone to see it?
It's a day for me to say goodbye to family and friends and step into a new life. This means I need to thank everyone for everything they've done for me, and "look what I've grown into". It's a day of sharing happiness, really.
Anyway, back to your FIL. I'm sure he'd wanna have someone to hold hands with while watching you down the isle. His boy's all grown up and getting married... leaving the parents, in a way. It's gotta be a really mixed feeling for him, and I can see how he's upset that he can't bring a date. I'd think it's fine as long as the woman doesn't create any drama in the middle of the wedding.
Posted on June 2, 2008 at 5:22 am
Chica
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08/10/2008
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If this were some other family member or guest, I would say don't let him bring anyone, but since its your FFIL, I wouldn't make that rule apply to him. Especially since your FMIL is remmarried and bringing her husband, he may feel awkward by himself, while everyone else is coupled up.
Posted on June 2, 2008 at 7:24 am
INSUREGRL
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understand your points, but I don't have time to deal with other people's insecurities. I can understand if she was a long time girlfriend...but she's not. she's a date, the pick of the month. not anything long term. And you bring a date to a christmas party...not to your son's wedding. Are you there to entertain a date at a wedding? No...it's to be with your family and spend the day celebrating your son's wife. Not to bring a date to make sure you have a date to dance with. Your daughter will be there, so dance with her! lol thanks for your input anyhow...all valid points, but it is a big deal to me.
Posted on June 6, 2008 at 3:51 pm
LittleMiss
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I think part of it depends on how close you and your FI are to his dad. Or at least how close your FI is to his father. If it was me (and I'm a pretty laid back person) I would let him bring his date because he is the father of the man you are going to marry but I would not allow her in the pictures. I doubt that your FFIL would want his flavor of the month in the pictures anyway. And if I was her (the date) I wouldn't want to be or expect to be in the pictures.
I'd have FI call his father back and lay down the ground rules: she is not allowed in the photos and/or she can't sit at the family table or whatever else. If he accepts these then he should be able to bring her.
Unless you know her and shes a drama queen, I would say you have a million other things to think about and on your wedding day this will be the last thing on your mind.
Posted on June 6, 2008 at 4:16 pm
pinkgerbers
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07/26/2008
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I don't know what his relationship is like with his ex-wife, but is it possible that he wants a date there with him because he is uncomfortable that she will be there with her current husband? I don't like the comment he made to you at all, and I would be deeply offended. I just am trying to figure out the motivation behind his need for her. It isn't about his insecurities, but it is as well. He wants to be able to celebrate and look back fondly on his day. Besides, a year is a significant amount of time to know someone.

And while the bar might be a small gift in the grand scheme of things, I am guessing that it is at least $1000 or so - a rather large gift in any other circumstance.

If you do allow her to come and even to sit at the family table so he will not have to be alone with ex and new husband, I would just make it very clear to both dad and the photog that she is NOT in family pictures!!
Posted on June 6, 2008 at 6:42 pm
JustAnothrBridezilla
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09/13/2008

JustAnothrBridezilla

That really sux. This happened to a friend of mine we had to photoshop out someone out of a pic b/c this was a date that an uncle brought and now they aren't together. Thank god we know photoshop really well. Yo udon't want the hassle. Just tell him look this is the rule and we don't want her in the pix. My bio and I aren't close my step dad raised me and even though I invited my bio to the wedding (only b/c of my sisters) he is not in the wedding not walking me down the aisle etc. You FI's fater sounds like my bio-dad. Unreasonable and nasty when he doesn't get his way. He was saying he wasn't going to bring my sisters to the wedding (the y are young, 2,4 and 12) and I told him in that case he's not welcome unless he bring at least two. So he cooled down and now the 3 of them are coming. I'm sorry I know how stressful it is I cried for weeks over the drama! Just stand your ground you don't want drama on your day better get it out now! Good luck.
Posted on June 6, 2008 at 7:40 pm
INSUREGRL
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11/01/2008
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Thanks ladies...here are the facts to your posts. I do appreciate it as the drama is still lingering!

1) FFIL and FMIL have been divorced for 12 years. FMIL has been re-married for 10 years. FFIL is cool with FMIL's husband as the divorce was amicable. FFIL, FMIL and FMIL's husband have all been in a similar setting before, my FI's college graduation 5 years ago. They were all fine. So the fact that FFIL just wants someone to be there b/c of FMIL's husband, isn't even an issue.

2) FI and FFIL are close. Even though his parents divorced, co-parenting existed, but of course FI and FMIL have a closer relationship b/c she raised him mainly.

3) FFIL's may have been dating "the date" for a year, but it's not a real relationship if your only see each other every 3 months, and especially since he has other "friends" in surrounding states where he lives, probably even one in the town that he lives in. Only reason why FFIL would want her there is seriously, 1)she lives in L.A. 2) someone to prance around with to feed into his insecurities.

4) We are considering the comprising option, where, you can bring her, but no sitting in the front row (back of the bus sista!) , no family pictures and no sitting at the head or family table. Well, FI knows his father best, and he already knows he won't go for that.

So in the end, we are going to stick to our guns, and if the "date" (I'm using a nice word here) is more important than his son's wedding...then what is his last option? To say he won't give us money? who cares...it's $1500, or what??????? that he actually won't go to the wedding????? If he says that, then you know what, you shouldn't come to your son's wedding if bringing a HO (sorry, I had to say it!) is more important than your son's wishes.
Posted on June 9, 2008 at 11:41 am
its.nicsknack
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08/31/2008
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its.nicsknack

Uhhhh...I wonder if your FFIL is insisting on bringing his "local" girl to the wedding so he has a date since he's the only parent not remarried. It could be one of those situations where its deeply rooted in attempting to look "happy" in the presence of the 'ex.' Also, since he's helping a little $ wise, he may feel he 'deserves' the guest invite.

Who really knows. I think its silly how people feel that an invitation is "owed" to them. Just for your own sanity, the official ettiquette on this matter is that a guest invite should not be expected except for those that are married, engaged or living together.

You have some time til the wedding. Do your best to let things simmer down. People often say things in the heat of an arguement that they later regret.

Good luck to you and I hope it all smoothes over soon!
Posted on June 9, 2008 at 12:36 pm
kells76
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10/04/2008
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I agree with its.nicsknck. Maybe he is having a tough time seeing everyone with someone and him being solo. I'd say let him know she isn't invited, but let y'all know if he is bringing her, then just let it be. That way he knows how you feel and he can either respect your wishes or care more about himself that day. Either way it isn't worth fighting over in the grand scheme of things.
Posted on June 9, 2008 at 12:43 pm

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