Feeling defeated before it's even begun

Yesterday I went in for my 3rd and final u/s before my IUI's.  Looks like I will do the trigger shot this afternoon (Monday), and then go in for my first IUI tomorrow morning and the second the following morning.  While I am excited to do this I'm feeling like a basketcase.  I'm full of emotions that I should've done IVF... I keep reading websites that say IUI is not for blocked fallopian tubes or low motility (in males).  I'm really trying hard to stay positive, but I'm thinking I chickened out (by not going with IVF first) and decided to do an inappropriate procedure for our diagnoses.


At my last u/s the doc told me that my right side has two mature follicles and my left only has only one that is smaller than the other two.  I was instructed to do one more FSH shot last night and do the trigger shot today.  As you know my right tube is blocked, so I got very emotional and sad after I left the doctor's office.  Anyway, I'm holding onto hope, but if this fails I don't think that I will do it again... I can't imagine trying this over and over.  I knew going into this that there was a good chance that my right side would be dominant this month, but I guess I was just hoping that with all of the meds I would be saved!  I know I'm not out, I just feel that I'm realistic of how low are chances are this cycle.


I just feel like I'm wasting time and I can't keep waiting and waiting each month (DH tells me I'm the most impatient person he has ever met), but this is just taking way too much of an emotional toll and I'm not even deep into ART's yet.  I feel bad... I know that there are much more worse cases out there, of women who have done IVF several times and are still childless, women who have been trying for years and years... I feel selfish sometimes.   Ah, I'm just emotional I think... sorry for the rant, but I just had to get this out!

Posted on April 4, 2011 at 9:21 am
BEAN23
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05/22/2010
BEAN23

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Alliesauce
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08/22/2010
Alliesauce

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Awwww- Don't get down on yourself... I'm not going through IUI so I don't know firsthand, but I doknow it's natural to feel impatient with yourself and doubt your choices.  I'm always KILLING myself with what-ifs... what if I'd never gotten Mirena, what if I'd told my Dr. about my symptoms when I first had them 10 years earlier.  And I feel guilty too because I already have a beautiful child, so then I ask myself "am I being selfish for feeling this much angst over not being to have another one so easily?"  We have only been trying for about 4 months and I'm like you, completely impatient, and I have TONS of moments where I'm super emotional and feeling sorry for myself.  Is it a little crazy? YES.  But is it also completely normal? YES. It's hard when you hear about those people who get pg on the first try, because you are constantly asking "why not me?"  You'll get through it... sending my prayers up for you that your IUI brings you your little bundle of joy! *hugs and baby dust*

Posted on April 4, 2011 at 10:32 am
beatie
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10/11/2008
beatie

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Ahhh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're feeling defeated! :(  Don't count yourself out until you know for sure it didn't work (especially when you haven't even started)!!  You can't beat yourself up for doing IUI first.  First off, it doesn't hurt anything to try it so no harm done!  Plus, you and DH had to be mentally and emotionally ready before going the IVF route.  You weren't there yet and this was a good first step in the IF world.  Fingers crossed that lefty picks up the pace and is the one to release the egg but if not, and it doesn't work, then you know what you need to do.  You'll be ready for that now.  You can't go into something like IVF without being 100% ready for and committed to it - everything happens for a reason, I firmly believe that.  If this IUI isn't successful, then you were meant to take the IUI route first to come to terms emotionally with what you need to do.


Don't feel selfish for what you are feeling...we each have our own story and our own journey and no one person's story is "more worthy" of being cried over than another's.  You want something badly and when you can't get it, it HURTS!  Especially when it seems like it comes so easy to other people.  So stop being hard on yourself, love!  Go into that IUI full steam ahead tomorrow and what happens, happens.  One thing I've learned in this TTC game is that it's the one thing in life you CAN'T control.  So until you know the results of this round, stay positive.  If it's not good news in two weeks, then have a good cry, reassess, get a game plan, and move forward! :)  Geez, I sound like a high school football coach right now...ha!


Oh, and coincidentally, I will likely be ovulating tomorrow or Wednesday at the latest like you so we can be each other's 2ww cheerleaders!  We're here for you whenever you need to vent!! :)

Posted on April 4, 2011 at 10:46 am
G8R.Girl
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09/04/2010
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Wow, the other girls couldn't have said it any better. I can't possibly add anything more to what they already said but just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and crossing my fingers and toes for you. {{hugs}}

Posted on April 4, 2011 at 3:28 pm
VheartsM
5
10/16/2010

VheartsM

Awww...bean! The girls have already had such wonderful words to say. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. And sending baby dust your way. You deserve to be a mommy and I know that one day you will. Try to keep positive and we are here for you always!

Posted on April 4, 2011 at 5:15 pm
BEAN23
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05/22/2010
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Thank you so much for your kind words ladies. I feel better today... I think I'm going crazy with these hormones! I'm trying to stay positive... Your words mean so much to me! Thanks for letting me vent -- again!
Posted on April 5, 2011 at 5:01 am

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