FI drama - advice?

My fiance googles his ex pretty regularly.  We share a computer and whenever I go to search for something that starts with G, her name automatically fills in, and is somewhere in the "recent history" menu.  He did this while we dated and I said nothing, but now that our wedding is getting closer (sept 08), I wonder if I should say something.  He never talks about her, or to her (she lives in another state) so I don't know why I feel so totally insecure about it.  He's talked about her and told me why they broke up.  I get it, I've dated other ppl too.  But I don't look them up all the time.  Is this just a normal thing I should let go of?  He's dated a few women seriously before us, but this is the only one he looks up.  Am I crazy?

Posted on July 12, 2008 at 9:54 am
crbrowne
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09/12/2008
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(7) Comments

ialagic
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11/08/2008
ialagic

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that would totally bother me too . if he googled her once or something it would be different - i think everyone can be curious about their exes even if they don't dream of getting back together with them , but i dont get why he would need to google her repeatedly . if it were me, i would definitely say something ...but i think it depends on what type of communication you guys have.

Posted on July 12, 2008 at 9:58 am
Sept27bride
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09/27/2008
Sept27bride

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I tend to "check up" on my ex too. BUT I have a child by him and want to make sure things are on the up and up....He isn't always the angel he plays out to be (I found out to late in the game) and I need to be aware of what is going on to protect my child. But I am also upfront with my FI and he understands why I do it.

Posted on July 12, 2008 at 10:01 am
Sarahinwonderland
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10/17/2009
Sarahinwonderland

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Wow that would piss me off! But I think he just needs to know how you feel. Talk to him about it. Tell him all you think about it.

Posted on July 12, 2008 at 10:04 am
Meowkers
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I think this is harmless.  I have to admit, I do this too. It's not because I, (or he), wants to get back together with the ex, or even contact them.  It's just curiousity.  Also, it's someone that at one point I, (and your FI), once cared about and possibly loved so it's only natural to still be a tad bit interested in what's going on with them.  I wouldn't be too concerned about it.

Posted on July 12, 2008 at 10:10 am
JustAnothrBridezilla
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09/13/2008

JustAnothrBridezilla

I think if it was once or twice it ok but since this is a repeating thing I would talk to him especially b/c its making you uncomfortable. I'm also not ok with anything that goes on behind my back and if he's not open to you about it then I think its a problem. My FI and I talk abotu everything there are no secrets. I've looked up an ex or two and some have even contacted me on facebook but I tell my FI about it. And same for him. This keeps us from holding anythinginside. My X before FI was a liar and a cheater and we had lots of secrets and the relationship was always in tension you don't want to start a marriage that way. Its best to be clean and upward.

another story- My friend has been married for 10years and he 100% trusts her husband. He is a good man, responsible, nice, bla blah blah. Well one day she felt something was off and she had no idea what it was so she let it go but then one day she got the phone bill and his phone showed her friends number. She kept looking and it turned out he was talking to her friend behind her back. She was really upset o she asked him and he said its nothing and they are just friends. So she asked why he was doing it behind her back and hiding it from her (EX: he would take the dog for a walk and take his phone and call this girl and the walks became longer and longer). He said he just didn't knoww hat to do b/c this girl needed someone to talkt o. WEll it turned out they were having an emotional affair and just a step away from an actual affair but my friend caught it and they went to theorapy. My point is if there was nothing going on he would have told her about talking to this girl but he knew he was doing/feeling something wrong and so he hid and lied. This is just human nature we all do it.

just talk to him.
Posted on July 12, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Sarahinwonderland
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Sarahinwonderland

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That is the scary reality.  People do find interest in other people even when they are completely devoted to that another person.

Posted on July 12, 2008 at 12:36 pm
MissQnomore
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agree with the girls.  even if it is not a big deal and lots of people do it (look up ex's).... it makes you uncomfortable and that's what's important. 


so it's important to let him know and to give him a chance to answer as well.  your approach is also key.  just like.."i was on google and noticed your ex was on the search, why is that?"  in a curious, interested tone.  that way he may be more able to answer it like a factual question instead of getting emotionally defensive.  then you have your chance to rationally and calmly express your discomfort with it, but also the fact that you can understand why (if that's the truth for you).  that way he'll feel less inclined to hide it from you next time, and you'll be able to have an ongoing dialogue in the future.  HTH.

Posted on July 12, 2008 at 5:38 pm

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