FMIL VENT & ADVICE NEEDED: Bagpipers, really??

Okay, I need to vent! I just don't know what to do and I need some advice from you wonderful ladies. :) Here's the situation. About a month ago when myself, my FI, my mom and my FMIL were at the food tasting for our venue, my FMIL brings up out the blue, "Oh, by the way, you're having bagpipers!". I was like, "huh?" I looked at my FI and he hadn't heard about it until that moment too.


Apparently, since my FI is part Irish, Danish, and Scottish, it's some family tradition that they have bagpipers at every family wedding and funeral. Okay, great. However, my FI and I have been together for nearly 7 1/2 years and this is the FIRST I have ever heard about bagpipers and this family tradition. The last family funeral was back in 2004 and yes, FI said there were bagpipers. There haven't been any family weddings he's attended in the past 10 years though, so I don't know as far as that goes. But again, this is my first time ever hearing about bagpipers or ever hearing about any family traditions, for that matter. 


So, I'm sitting there and of course my mom goes, "Oh, I love bagpipes, it's so beautiful". I'm cringing at this point. I've heard bagpipes and I'm just not a huge fan and it really doesn't fit in with our wedding at all. We had already decided to have an acoustic guitar player during pre-ceremony, ceremony and exit. Then onto DJ for cocktail hour and reception. So my FMIL chooses 4 1/2 months prior to the wedding to spring on us that we're having bagpipers as well?? She is going to pay for it, isn't that fabulous? So thoughtful, lol. 


I've talked FI about it and he really couldn't care less either way, so obviously this tradition isn't such a big deal after all (which is what I suspected). So, we just kind of dropped the whole topic and it wasn't mentioned again until last Sunday. I was kinda hoping it would just go away since I explained our music plans to her. Well, no such luck, she informed us on Sunday that she found the perfect bagpiper and she's going to meet with him within the next 2 weeks to finalize everything. Um, what?? NO!


So, now I'm really pissed. I mean, from the very beginning she should have started this process differently. Don't just TELL us we are having something at OUR wedding, why not ask? I would probably feel differently about the whole thing at this point if she broached the subject better. She could have explained this "tradition" and asked if that's something we wouldn't mind incorporating into the wedding however we chose. But no, it was just decided without either of our knowledge. So, I remind her we have the guitarist and she says, "Oh, we'll have them work out the arrangement of things or the bagpiper can just do the whole ceremony." AHHHH!!! FI says he's going to just tell her it's a no go on the bagpiper. But, then I feel bad and think, should I just let it go and incorporate it somehow or should I stick to my guns?


Other than this situation my FMIL and I really do have a good relationship and always have. It's just that things are starting to get to me with all the wedding planning. First she chose a completely different color dress from I asked her to get (which I have just decided to let go, it's not worth the trouble asking her to change), but now this?? It will really have an impact on the whole wedding! She is in remission from her third bout with breast cancer, so FI and I tread lightly with things. I know she means well but...GAH! 


So, should I let my FI go ahead and tell her we don't see how bagpipes are going to fit in to the whole wedding timeline at this point or should I let in and just go with it?? I'll tell you though, I'm really not going to be happy if I have the bagpipes. It's just not how I imagined my wedding, call me selfish or whatever. If I knew this was important to my FI I wouldn't even question it, but he doesn't care either way. I mean where and when would the bagpipes even play?? For 10 minutes while people are being seated prior to ceremony or something, it just doesn't even seem worth it.


So, what do you ladies think? Bagpipes or no bagpipes? Or any suggestions to make both of us happy (if that's possible! lol). Thanks for letting me vent!!


*On a side note, I have nothing against bagpipers, the tradition, or anything Irish/Scottish related. I'm part Irish as well. I just see bagpipes more for funerals, or at traditional Irish/Scottish weddings. They're just not really my thing.

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:08 am
Lalubell
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(22) Comments

Lalubell
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Lalubell

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Okay, wow, I just realized how long my "vent" is! Haha, sorry!!

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:08 am
jennifer25
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07/09/2011
jennifer25

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I'm sorry this so reminds me of Suga on Bridezilla and her Mom wanting a clown at the reception!!!


I think to make her happy and have no hurt feelings maybe the 10 minutes before the ceremony would work best! Then it's done and over with and you make FMIL happy!

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:12 am
khselee
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07/31/2010
khselee

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Let your FI tell her no. I understand how you feel, but this is your wedding, not hers. If she wanted bagpipes at her ceremony, she had the opportunity to get them. You don't, so don't. You are getting married, and building new traditions; it's okay to make one of them not having bagpipes. Just tell her that there will be no bagpipes, and the ceremony will be done by the guitarist. Also, be prepared that there may be a tantrum, just ride it out. This is your wedding, have it how you want it, and don't cave.


In my opinion, the way she went about it was incredibly wrong also-I agree with you there.

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:13 am
ChrisNScott
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I would totally let her do the bagpipers and go with the flow. It would be one of those things I just have to laugh at.  Nothing against them it would be great to have that memory knowing how I didn't want them, but bowed down gracefully and allowed them to be there.


I say let them play during dinner. And have the MC do a little intro on why they are there and dedicate them or thank your MIL for the gift. :)


At least she is not forcing FI to wear a kilt?


Don't hate me for siding with mama!!! lol

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:14 am
Sirena
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If you and your fiance don't want something, stand your ground and don't include it. It's your wedding, not your parents' or his, and they already had their turn so you get what you want this time around.


If neither of you care about something, don't include it just to spend money. If the bagpipers don't fit you or your vision of the day, skip them. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:14 am
nikolaiweddings
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nikolaiweddings

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khselee is totally right. Let FI deal with it. If she HAS to have a bagpiper then maybe he can play as the guests are leaving? Either way, I'd stand my ground.

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:17 am
Boricua_Bride
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mad....I just lost my post.....


I was saying.....


Remember it is your wedding not hers....if she is helping you in any way or another $$$$ tell her she can help you in another form NOT with something that neither your nor your FI want on the wedding no matter if you want to follow the tradition or not.  Or is that FI needs to wear a kilt too to follow the tradition????


 


mad I just lost photo 1913433-1

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:19 am
Lalubell
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Lalubell

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LMAO, FI is NOT wearing a kilt! We'd be divorced before we are even married!! Lol. Gah, this just sucks! But I guess if this is the biggest of the wedding planning problems, I'm in good shape, right?? Lol. 


@jennifer25: Hahaha, I am so going to try and catch that episode of Bridezilla!

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:22 am
miss_em2010
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ditto chrisnscott.


It's a small detail at the end of the day and if it's an important tradition to his side of the family, his side of the family will notice it's missing and may be disappointed.


I've seen bagpipers just do the recessional which is short and sweet and might solve the problem?


I would def. let this one slide.

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:24 am
msdl
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05/28/2011
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I understand your frustration, because she didn't exactly ASK if you guys would do this. She is just assuming it's a go! But I think I agree with ChrisNScott...if there is any way at all to accommodate her, it would probably go a long way. I think pre-ceremony is perfect. You will probably be too busy getting ready to really notice it, and she will still get to have her bagpipers! Then you can transition to your guitar :-)  Maybe your FI can explain to her how you have had your heart set on having the music a certain way, so this is a compromise. If she wants it to play a bigger part in the day, or the whole idea just makes you cringe, you may have to stand your ground and ride out any awkwardness...


So, basically I'm no help...I think I just rehashed your entire dilemma. I'm sorry!

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:27 am
fierygurl
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I agree that it is a small detail that will not matter to you at the end of the day, but will matter a lot to his side of the family.

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:34 am
akbridehi
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I am all for bagpipes!!  My cousin had them at her extremely posh wedding and it was perfect.  She just had them walk them back down the aisle after they were married, they had a bagpiper and an Irish drummer and it was AWESOME!!!

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 11:42 am
ChiTownIrishBride
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You could also have the bagpipers just walk you out of the church and to your ride also?

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 12:45 pm
katierose0324
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katierose0324

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I hate to be the voice of dissent but having been through a wedding I'm here to tell you that the grief it will cause you in terms of hearing "oh, remember when john and jane were the ONLY wedding in the Doe family to not have bagpipers?" for hte next twenty years is not worth it. Just have the bagpipers. It won't matter...whatever you have, bagpipers, guitar, harp, piano, string quartet...you'll probably be deaf to it all anyway. 


Really...it just doesn't matter that. much. I can't stress enough how much more important it is to try and forge a good relationship with your in laws, and is having a guitar worth sacrificing that? 


Take yourself out of your wedding shoes for a minute and decide whats more important: acoustic guitar...or having happy in laws. 

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 4:10 pm
ChihuahuaGolf
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Would she be willing to send them to my wedding instead???  Joking - I love the bagpipes :D


But for you - they are not cool, and I've had some similiar experiences with my FI's family. 


I've (WE'VE) said NO every time.  Just like this situation, my FI had never heard of these so-called "traditions." So it was that simple....if my 34 year old FI had never heard of it before, then it obviously wasn't that important.  Also very simple when it came to FI's parent's friends.  We've been together for 4 years, and no, I've never heard of "Joan and Pat."  Therefore...they are not coming to the wedding!  I don't care how much they mean to you, seriously...obviously not much since I've never met them in 4 years (or maybe it's me that means so little...come to think of it....).  Your FI will have to be behind you, totally unwavering.  Otherwise...(and I know from experience...) it will be all your fault, and they will think they are protecting him from you. 


Sorry for turning your vent into my vent...but I am behind you 100%.  If you or FI have never heard of it...then the answer is NO!  Look at it this way - it's their own fault for not raising FI to believe that bagpipes (or religion, or you know, whatever) are important.   

Posted on June 15, 2010 at 4:19 pm
TigerGirl
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What do you have planned for a grand exit?  KristinKay had an accordianist and the pictures are TOOOOO Sweet.

Posted on June 16, 2010 at 2:35 am
carolinawedding
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carolinawedding

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oooh ditto Tigergirl and akbride- Maybe have them walk you back down?  That way it happens, your don't have to feel like you have stepped on toes, and by that point you'll just be so excited that you're married to your love that you won't even care! And just think of the pictures!


I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but your heart and head are in the right place.  Your FI should be the one to approach it, but before it gets out of hand there needs to be some discussion.  Set some boundaries on it, see what she expects, and come to a good compromise.  And I have to politely disagree with Sirena, this is not a situation where you want to start going "this is my wedding! hiss!" when a simple conversation could probably solve everything. In laws don't like when they feel disrespected.


And then, right near your tears of joy basket, you can hand out earplugs. 

Posted on June 16, 2010 at 2:59 am
aparker1269
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Why cant you have the bag piper outside the ceremony venue as people are walking in (or reception venue) - so its incorporated but way out of the way of your vision?  OR you could have him do a 5 minute set at the reception as a form of entertainment?

Posted on June 16, 2010 at 3:05 am
haleighb
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09/25/2011
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my FI wants bagpipes too since he is irish...blech.  if he really wants to go through with them, i said that the guys can walk into the ceremony with bagpipes playing but that's where it ends!  so maybe that is an option, then you could have the guitar play when you girls come out!  or maybe a send off at the end of the night with bagpipes? 

Posted on June 16, 2010 at 3:07 am
hmz819
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Maybe have the bagpipers play as you are arriving to the reception.  I assume you will be arriving a little later so they can play before you get there and then just as you are walking in and then you won't have to hear them long.


However, it is your wedding and if your FI don't want them dont' have them.

Posted on June 16, 2010 at 3:13 am
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