Getting my MIL involved

Ok so this is a complicated post for me, but the short version is: how can I involve my future MIL with my wedding planning?

the long version is that I harbor a little resentment and sometimes we like each other and sometimes we hate each other (which is more or less normal I hope. ) when we first got engaged his mom got pissed at us because he never told then, we let our excitement get to us and posted it to Facebook before we told them and I think they think he stole his brothers thunder of proposing because they knew he was planning and he peoposed two weeks after us. 

There has been a few conflicts here and there and I think I've smoothed most of them out and I did involve her in choosing the venue but basically that's it. Since my folks are providing most of the funds for the wedding I wasn't sure how much say they should/can have. 

Now after it's all said and done I feel a little bad and have avoided, but really need to, to tell them we cut out the booze because its saving us over a grand and we still have to chose between a videographer and a Dj and I'm kind of bummed about this. But the wedding is already over budget. I think she's sad that I didn't ask her to go dress shopping (but I didn't want the drama) and I was planning to do her family's side of the invites with her. No one made suggestions for menus other then complain. Also the other my FI said that they are offering to rent us limos. I'm both excited, having never been in one, and feeling guilty. I would much rather they pay for the booze since their insistent on it... But now I feel like I will seem grabby if I tell her now that we decided against booze. I feel like my hesitant behavior is making things worse. I guess I've also seen that I'm a bit of a control freak with planning for my wedding becUse other then one or two things and my FI's opinion on everything I have done and planned everything!! Help!!

So I ask what can I do?

Posted on September 20, 2013 at 8:54 am
Kittywolf13
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(8) Comments

zeuster
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11/01/2011
zeuster

zeuster

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zeuster

I would be honest with her and tell her you had to cut the booze because it  put you over budget. maybe you shoud tell your fi that you would rather have the dj or video than the limo? i mean if you had to chose what is important to you?

Maybe she could host a reherseal dinner or some kind of prewedding gathering.  Just tell her the type of food you want and let her plan the rest......that might keep her busy.

Wishing you best of luck with this

 

Posted on September 20, 2013 at 10:04 am
Kittywolf13
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 My FI insists we need a limo. Never thought he'd be the "bride-zilla" in the relationship. Me and my family are much more practical. I would have taken the money and ran or done a much more done graded affair, but he and his family want to keep appearances, so it had to be in a country club type atmosphere and we have t have this and that. It's been very frustrating for me and I haven't done well controlling myself so I just stay away to avoid drama but I don't want that to bite me in the ass after the wedding either. :( I never intended on asking for help and they didn't offer till I made FI ask about 6 months don't the road, for budgeting purposes if they were planning to help at all financially. I was NOT asking for money I just needed to know. His brothers FI's family is paying for everything so I'm guessing we're the only expense wedding wise my FI's family has. I can't make that assumption though. It's pretty frustrating though. :( so I dunno. Any other suggestions?

Posted on September 20, 2013 at 10:40 am
KimandByron
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KimandByron

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You definitely need to be honest with her. Let her know for budgeting purposes this is what you have to do. If she wants to offer to do more then let her. Don't let yourself get lost in the controlling role. It WILL haunt you later believe me. You have to learn to bite your tongue because from reading your posts from the beginning his family has come a long way. Include them as much as you can but no one says you have to let them take over. They are his family and that bond is one you don't want to add any strain too. After all they are gong to be your family soon as well. Take her to lunch just the two of you and tell her you wanted to talk about a few things concerning the wedding. Good Luck
Posted on September 20, 2013 at 11:41 am
Kittywolf13
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Kittywolf13

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 Thanks. Yeah I agree. I need to tell her. And I need to be honest. My FI is always telling me that he thinks I'm intimidated by her and is always forcing me into a clears situations. I keep telling him I don't hate her just resent some of the things she has done. (I also resent how they usually treat him poorly and his brother is golden) ive been meaning to ask her if the Italians have any traditions shed like to see done at the wedding or if she had a daughter what would she have had liked to do with her daughter. I do want a good relationship with her and family is very important to me. They have been very good to me over all so it's not that at all... I just get clammed up and am afraid to offend because it seems when I'm honest nothing goes right. 

Posted on September 20, 2013 at 12:50 pm
Uhlease
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Uhlease

 Even if it's hard, honesty is def the best policy. Good luck :)

Posted on September 20, 2013 at 6:00 pm
Uhlease
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 Is she crafty? Is there any DIY project se can help you with? 

Posted on September 20, 2013 at 6:00 pm
Linnn
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09/14/2014
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 hmmmmm...she can assist w/ picking out the flowers? or perhaps help you w/ your favors?

Did she ask you or mentioned to him that she'd like to be involved?

I didn't even think abt including my MIL 2b...and honestly I probably wont. Nice lady but I just dont see purpose. I'm new to this wedding life to be so I'm uncertain abt what's expected...Perhaps our dynamics are different. I know that I will get her a pinned corsage and his pops a boutonniere for the wedding.

Regarding the booze-let them know. if they still insist, so be it.

Posted on September 20, 2013 at 8:18 pm
Kittywolf13
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 Uhlease, i havent a clue if she's crafty! I'm planning on sitting down with her tomorrow hopefully so we can discuss the times for the ceremony and such... (also to tell her about the booze. :( ) and inviting her to go with us next weekend while i go purchase the veil... i think i found the one, and so her and mom can look at mother of the bride dresses together. thinking i will invite her to my dress fitting for my alterations as well. if shes up for that. :P

Linn, she's mentioned to him that we havent involved her in the wedding planning, but in the begining because we were waiting for the catholic churches to get off their butt's about getting back to us... i didnt have anything TO involve her with. now i have more info and more stuff more pertinant to her, and for her opnions. i did take her to the venue for example for her input before we put the deposit... she met with the vendors co-ordinator as well. 

thank you for your advice ladies!

Posted on September 21, 2013 at 10:20 pm

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