Help!! Invitation etiquette

I have a friend that I have known for years and she is getting married next month. I'm not super close to her, but we've managed to maintain our friendship over the years. We always invite one another to birthdays, graduations, engagements, so on and so forth. I got her STD card a few months ago. I went online a several days ago and RSVP'd for me and my FI (assuming he was invited too). Her wedding happens to land on my FI's birthday weekend. We are planning a trip to Vegas, so I made sure that we leave the following day so that we wouldn't miss her wedding. This past weekend, I got her wedding invite and she had "1" as the number of persons invited.


I'm a little upset and hurt. She knows I'm engaged, she was invited to our engagement party. I understand that there might be a space or budget issue, but he is my FI. I would understand if he was just a boyfriend but this is the man I am going to marry in a few months. I even scheduled FI's birthday weekend around her wedding. Now, I'm inclined not to go to her wedding. My question is, should I talk to her about it or just let it go. I don't want to make her feel bad if there is a budget issue, but I don't think it's right to invite one half and not the other. I'm torn...

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:14 am
SandP09
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(29) Comments

beatie
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beatie

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Weird.  Yeah, I always heard that if someone is engaged, married, or living with someone, then that person should be invited.  So it's very strange that she didn't invite your FI.  Whether you talk to her about it or decide to not go depends on how close you feel to her I guess.  If you think she wouldn't mind you asking, then ask.  Especially since you've arranged your personal plans around her wedding.  But if you think she might get offended, and you don't think it would be a big deal if you didn't go to the wedding, then maybe decline the invitation?  Man, weddings are soooo sticky!  I'm dreading these issues when I mail out my own invites!!  I guess it comes down to - how badly do you want to go to her wedding?

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:21 am
Soon2BeENR
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Ettiquette says you respond with a "no" if your fiance isn't invited, but I think if you guys are good friends, you might be able to call her and ask.  But that is really strange that she wouldn't even invite your fiance, especially when you invited her to your engagement party.  Maybe it was overlooked on her part?  When and if you call, give her the benefit of the doubt, and try to be sympathetic.  Hopefully she just forgot to include him.

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:26 am
GondaluvsGondo
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eek...thats a tough one...maybe you and your fiance can just go to the ceremony together and then leave for his bday celebration?


As a bride, its easy to forget who's with who and other details so i'd say give her the benefit of the dought that maybe she just overlooked that detail. 


Or if you guys have open communication let her know "I completey understand that you may not have room or are on a budget, so would it be possible to RSVP last so if there is room, i'd like to bring my fiance with me.  If its not possible, don't worry about it, i completely understand. 


thats a hard one! good luck!  tell us how it turns out!

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:28 am
abattyref
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Yikes, that is a sticky situation.


I would be completely honest with her and explain your situation. I would call her up and ask for some clarification. "I got your invitation in the mail this week and I was a little confused, is my fiance not invited?" There's always the possibility that not inviting your FI was an accident... maybe someone else was addressing the invitations or he was simply overlooked. But, if she states some sort of budget problems as a reason, then I'd let her know then and there that you won't be able to make the wedding because you have planned a weekend getaway for your FI's birthday.


Don't stress about making her feel bad about her budget... if she chose to cut significant others and finaces from her guestlist, she's bound to get some phone calls... or worse, guests who add their own +1. Be the better guest and call her up for clarification.


Good luck!

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:33 am
MissQnomore
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It might have been an oversight or ignorance of the inviting etiquette on her part.  She should have invited your FI.  If you don't really mind missing it, and this'll cause you more stress than not, then I'd say respond with no.  I had a friend who did this too, granted it was before we were engaged, but she's known both of us for over 10 years ....the amount of time FI and I have been together so she should've known better.  I just playfully brought it up to her and she's like, oh yeah, I'm sorry, bring him!  I guess it's up to if you want to go or not.  GL!!

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:33 am
SandP09
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Soon2Be- going to the ceremony together would have been a good idea, but her ceremony is Friday afternoon so I was only planning on going to her reception since I have to work during the day.


I told a mutual friend about the situation and she finds it weird too. She thinks it might be an overlook, but I really don't think it is. I'm afraid to bring anything up to her in fear of making her feel bad and sounding tacky. I don't want to have a falling out over it, but now FI doesn't think we should invite her to our wedding. :( I don't know what to do!

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:34 am
rach29
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Something similar happened to me...we were living together before the engagement and only I was invited to a wedding. We were pretty close friends so I asked, and they didn't even skip a beat to say of course he was invited! Apparently, when they changed my address in their address book they didn't add his name and they printed out labels right off program they used!!


So totally ask!! HTH!!

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:35 am
MissQnomore
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P--it's totally not tacky since etiquette says she should have invited him in the first place.  And since you don't want to have a falling out over this, you're more than likely not gonna want to make a big thing of not inviting her to your wedding in return.  In other words, if you think you'll invite her to your wedding to avoid any hurt feelings, then you are more than entitled to ask her about FI coming. 


As brides, we are expecting some guests to add a +1 (unfortunately) and others to not come at all.  So given this, I don't think it's presumptuous at all of you.  Just think of a genuine way to approach it!

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:41 am
WMforever
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holy cow. that is a sticky situation. i would call her and just double check if the invite is for you only and not FI. she'll either say "oh my gosh no, thats a mistake, of course he's invited!" or she'll say "yeah, times are rough, yada yada". Then at least you'll know the truth and then decline the invitation. You could say, "He's a part of me now and I can't go without him" or something like that. good luck!

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:44 am
beatie
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paola - you know what?  since you're not going to the ceremony anyway, i say skip it all together.  you can tell her that you had already planned the getaway for FI's b-day and though you'd love to come, you can't.  that way, no harm done.  

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:47 am
jharks
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Maybe, since you are friends and it is your FI's birthday, you should call her and say "I would love to come to your wedding, but since it fallson FI's birthday and just I am invited to the wedding, I will only be able to come for a little while." Then she will have the opening to say, oh you both are invited, or whatever. If she DOESN'T say that, then you can say, well if you want to use my space for someone else it is fine. Then just invite her to your wedding not her husband ;-P


 

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:49 am
SandP09
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I'm inclined to do that, Michelle. What do I do about FI thinking we shouldn't invite her now. He's a little upset that she didn't include him.

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:50 am
rach29
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I would just include her. Take the high road, you'll feel better about yourself!!  :)

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:51 am
beatie
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that's a tough one.  maybe just invite her and not her husband?? ha...i kid, i kid.  i agree with rach, invite her/her husband.  i would be upset too if i were your FI but maybe tell him that you guys are more mature than that.  who knows, she may decide not to come to yours since you didn't come to hers!  two fewer people to include on your MONDO guest list!!

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 7:58 am
SandP09
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Hahaha, yea you're right. I wouldn't feel right now inviting her to mine. And she probably won't come too.

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 8:03 am
HeLovesMe
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Wow P, this is a hard one, but I know you'll make a good choice wether to go or not. And I know you'll be the bigger person in all of this. If it was a mistake or not. Good luck

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 8:20 am
SandP09
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Ok, so I decided to send her an email and let her know why I'm not going to attend, but I'm not sure how to word it. I was thinking something like it's his birthday weekend and although I really want to go to her wedding, I also don't want to be without him on his birthday?? Help!! I'm at lose for the right words!!


FI thinks I should email her and is it was an oversight on her part then we should extend the invite to our wedding. If it wasn't an oversight, then he thinks he was a petty move and we shouldn't invite her.

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 9:41 am
WMforever
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good idea! totally say, "its his birthday and i don't want to be without him." That'll give her room to let you know if indeed it was an oversight.

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 9:44 am
jharks
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I would call her personally. I think an email might come off bitchy, no matter how you word it. If you two are close enough, maybe ask her to join you for a cup of coffee. I would explain that you and your fiance are really close and do most everything together, and especially since it is his birthday, you would feel really bad leaving him home alone. You understand that guest list numbers might be tight, but you wouldn't feel right about attending a wedding without him, especially onhis birthday.

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 9:47 am
SandP09
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Thanks girl! I'm going to do it and see what she says back. Her and I don't talk on the phone often, so I won't want to call her and seem like I'm attacking her. I'll let you know what happens. Thanks so much for everyone's advice.

Posted on July 14, 2008 at 9:54 am
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