How do you postpone a wedding?

My fiance recently returned home from a 7 month tour in Iraq and last week informed me that he's been having doubts about getting married for the past several months.  Our wedding is supposed to be Feb 21 - I bought my dress, booked the reception and church months ago.  I sent out save-the-dates over a month ago.  My BMs were supposed to order their dresses yesterday and I just told them I couldn't make it.  They're planning my shower.  People are already looking at making travel arrangements.  He says he just needs a few weeks to figure things out, but I don't want people to spend money on dresses and showers if there's no wedding.  I feel like I should say something but I don't know what.  I mean, at this point I don't know if we're just postponing it a couple months, indefinitely or maybe it won't even happen at all.  What the hell do I do?

Posted on September 21, 2008 at 1:09 pm
amcmmh
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02/21/2009
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(18) Comments

Jaryce21
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06/26/2010
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OMG, try n stay calm. We have to remember that he just came back from Iraq. Give him some time to think about it. Once he gets back into his old groove, he'll get back to his senses and move forward with the wedding.


As far as announcing a postponed wedding... postpone that idea. Wait until you hear further more from your FI. Tell ur bridesmaids to hold off on purchasing their dresses.Tell em u might want to switch the dress, so give u more time to search. And for the travelers, say u might be able to find a hotel where they can offer group rates at a ridiculously cheap price.


The only person I would probably tell is my MOH n my mom. I wouldn't tell anyone else, just because people could be very judgemental and mean about this subject.


I'm really sorry you're going through this. Give him some time to get back to his old self. It's just about readjusting back into the civilized world. I have uncles and cousins who had to go through that change as well.

Posted on September 21, 2008 at 1:46 pm
HolyMolyMatrimony
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08/31/2008
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First, I think its great he's being honest and open (as hard as it is to hear) before you tie the knot...


Anyway, I would REALLY give him that time- even just 2 weeks to come home and take it all in.  I wouldn't even mention the word "wedding" unless he does.  If in 2-3 weeks you hear nothing from him, I would then acknowledge it and sit down to go over everything, changes, etc.  And tell him its just because you have to- this is a huge thing to have to deal with. 


Changing the date wont necessarily fix the problem though, he may still feel this way.  Sometimes you need to fix the 'problem' first- then take that step?


Hang in there, we are all here for you!


- HMM :)

Posted on September 21, 2008 at 2:05 pm
mhanna22
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07/12/2014
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I think Jaryce and HMM said it all...I just wanted to offer my support too...hope it all works out and hang in there and be strong!

Posted on September 21, 2008 at 2:08 pm
nidia112
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05/01/2009
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Oh honey, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.  Planning a wedding is stressful enough without this.  Still, I think the girls are right.  You have to be strong right now and just give your FI time to readjust.  Unfortunately, there's no way we can understand what our troops in Iraq go through during their deployments.  He may have seen some of his buddies KIA and is afraid to put you through that should he be re-deployed.  You just never know what he's thinking.  I hope it all works out for you.  Just remember, everything happens for a reason.

Posted on September 21, 2008 at 2:19 pm
nmrbronx16
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07/19/2009
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I'll keep you in my prayers! I agree with the girls, just wait and see what happens! If you need anything, we are around! **HUGS**

Posted on September 21, 2008 at 2:27 pm
MissQnomore
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I agree. I think it's wonderful he's being honest with you.  Give him some time to readjust, do tell the people arranging the events... and if he does come back to the idea of getting married, let him decide if he wants to postpone.  And maybe in the meantime, if he's still in it, then go get some premarital counseling.  Several girls on here have done it and highly recommend it.  Stay strong honey, I know it's tough but everything happens for a reason... though I know that's not what we like to hear.  **hugs**

Posted on September 21, 2008 at 3:17 pm
badgerbride
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06/13/2009
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I agree with the girls. But it's important you have someone you can go to and talk about this. This is a very tough time, I'm sure, and you shouldn't keep this all in. Confide in someone you really trust. Just stay strong and like nidia112 said, everything happens for a reason. ((((hugs))))

Posted on September 21, 2008 at 3:43 pm
hulaprncs18
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08/08/2009
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im sorry you're going through this, but like everyone said, give him that time and see what happens.  its true, at least he's telling you the truth and not going  through with it b/c everythings planned already.  give him that space and time to think things through especially coming back from iraq for 7 months.  hang in there sweetie.. keep us posted.


 


xoxoxoxo!

Posted on September 21, 2008 at 7:29 pm
aprilxlirpa
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12/27/2008
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Oh hon, I'm sorry you're in this position. It is such a hard transition to come back from overseas, I've done it myself. The best thing you can possibly do is just give him the time he has asked for. Sometimes you just need some time to get back into the previous life you've had before you left.


Give him some time and he'll figure things out.

Posted on September 22, 2008 at 12:44 am
WMforever
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06/14/2009
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oh man amc, i'm so sorry you're going through this. i don't know the right thing to say so i will say what i feel is true. you're one hell of a woman (i'm sure of it, even though i dont know you) and any man is lucky to have you. like the girls said, we have no clue what he's been through over there and how that may have affected him. so stay strong, give him about two weeks. then bring it up and hopefully he'll have an answer you accept. if he says, yes lets go through with it, hopefully you'll be at the right place to accept it or not. if he says no, then thank your lucky stars because i truely believe its a sign from God. Things absolutely happen for a reason. So for now, be patient for two weeks until its time to talk about it again. Then take it from there. YOu sound like a strong cookie so I think you'll be a OK no matter what. Hugs. we're here for you.

Posted on September 22, 2008 at 2:36 am
GoingtobeGoff
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Wow, not a fun position to be in.. I totally understand, and FI and I postponed our wedding less than 2 months out.. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through!  Some issues were brought to light that HAD to be fixed before moving into a marriage realationship.. unfortunately, this meant putting the wedding off until further notice.  We called it off April 2, and are just now picking a new date.. yeah, but it has been SO WORTH IT!!  We are closer now than before and are more confident in moving foward and getting married. 


Like the other gals have said, GIVE HIM THE TIME HE NEEDS to figure his life out.. then once he feels that he can breath again, then talk talk talk talk talk about it.. If you do realize that he is not the man for you, or his heart has changed, then DROP HIM.  If he really loves you, he'll STAY WITH YOU!! No questions asked! 


We didnt' have STD cards out or anything, but still had our vendors and venue booked.. we lost about $3000 total from the ordeal, but like I said, it's been much better now that we went through that together..  Good luck, I will be praying for you guys, I know how much this hurts!  Hugs~~

Posted on September 22, 2008 at 3:58 am
megegers
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01/09/2010
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I cant say that I am in the same position as you, but my fiance did a tour in Iraq in 2004. And when he came home, as happy I was to see him, it was the toughest time in our relationship. He went through so many emotional changes, and still is dealing with it 4 years later. I am sure it has nothing to do with you, just that he really did experience something that we could never imagine in a million years. I agree, just give him some time, and offer your support, and make sure that he knows that you love him. Patience is everything in this situation. Our tough guys are so delicate when they come back and they just don't know how to deal. Feel free to PM me if ya want, I am more then here for ya!


 

Posted on September 22, 2008 at 5:50 am
pinkyjane48
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08/24/2008
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<<<good luck vibes>>>>


My good friend just came back a month ago and he and his fiance pushed theirs back after a similar situation instead of calling it off altogether- I dont want to pretend to know what your man is thinking, but in their case, (and after a lot of discussion) he decided he just needed more recovery time and "self" time before tying the knot. He had been over there 3 times for more than 7 months each, so it made sense that he felt like he had missed most of his 20s, so he just wanted to have more time to enjoy just being around. I hope things smooth out, and just keep the communication up.


Good luck!

Posted on September 22, 2008 at 8:24 am
amcmmh
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02/21/2009
amcmmh

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Wow, thank you all so much.  I can't believe how much this helped.  I'm trying to keep the communication thing going, unfortunately neither of us are very good at it.  I've shoved all the wedding stuff to the side - I even said 'no' the other night when he asked if I wanted to watch Bridezillas.  (He must feel bad, he HATES that show.) I think the hardest part is having this huge, life altering event happening to me and I have no control over it.   I was thinking about just telling him that I wanted to postpone it now regardless,  but maybe he needs to make that decision for himself.


I just keep thinking about my one cousin who kept telling me not to rush into anything.  She's the same one who was taking bets 3 or 4 years ago about whether I'd ever get married and have kids.  Ahh, family.

Posted on September 22, 2008 at 1:33 pm
megegers
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The fact that he feels bad about how what he's going through is affecting you and your relationship totally shows how much that he truely loves you. He's really trying to take your feelings into consideration and that is a lot!!!!


You guys will definitely work it out!

Posted on September 23, 2008 at 5:07 am
MissQnomore
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03/14/2009
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well only postpone it if YOU want to.  not b/c you want to beat him to the punch or are trying to decide what's good for him.  just give him time to decide that.  and maybe it's ok to shove the wedding stuff to the side for a while and learn to be a couple again.  get to know each other again.  enjoy each other's company. know what i mean?


ya family's funny that way.  marriage is such a huge thing, your cousin is probably just trying to look out for you and your feelings.  even if you guys are "meant to be" sometimes the timing just isn't right.  if it is meant to be it'll happen eventually.  you don't want to get married now due to any outside pressure.  it should be right for you and the right time in your relationship.


and i really can't encourage premarital counseling enough.  no matter what.  fi and i have been together for almost 11 years and we're doing it.  especially since you mentioned that both of you have difficulties with communication.  and that's a biggie.  i agree with WM.  you sound like one strong chica, so no matter what happens, you will be just fine.  keep yo head up lady =)

Posted on September 23, 2008 at 5:16 am
cary
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02/14/2009
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Hey....


Just put that in prayer.....talk with you bf and see what is real deal.  Sometime it's the stress from his serves and other issues that brother him....whether the wedding postpone or not....the mean concern is, are u two still on the same page. and want to walk to road together. if one still havin doubt about it...u should pause and discuss then walk again!!!!  wedding is a little part of a marriage but keeping the relationship together is lifetime thing!!!

Posted on September 23, 2008 at 7:09 pm
JustAnothrBridezilla
4
09/13/2008

JustAnothrBridezilla

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I know you must be hurting so badly and the not knowing of what is going to happen or what he's thinking must be the hardest part.  As the girls on here said talk talk talk!  Its the only way you are going to know.  Also, make diner plans, go out!  go have a nice diner and just be a couple again laugh, hug, hold hands and all that good stuff.  Go see a funny movie or take a walk on the beach on lazy Sunday.  Go out with friends- let him hang out with friends.  If you guys used to bar go to a bar if you used to club go clubbing -just do couple things like nothing is wrong like the way you used to do.  Just take his mind off the bad that he saw and make him feel safe and loved at home with you.  And in the meantime talk about it.  Talk about his tour what he saw what he needs what he feels.  And I agree putting the wedding stuff aside.  That is just more stress on you and your relationship that you might not need right now.  As DH says planning the wedding is just a test of your relationship lol...he says its nice to have me back after the wedding is over.  Also, couples therapy or pre-marriage counseling  is a wonderful idea.  Maybe he also needs to go to counseling without you.  Just to talk about what he saw or what he is feeling.  Good luck sweetie.  Hang in there!  And remember you can get through this and once you do you will be a stronger person and a stronger couple.  We are all here for you if you don't want to confide in anyone else but I would talk to your mom or your best friend (MOH).  Just so you have an outlet also.

Posted on September 24, 2008 at 6:02 am

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