How to sate the disapproving FI!? I cant win! (long winded)

So i feel that realististically i can only afford a 3,000 wedding with wiggle room a little above that. so i've been looking so hard to find more affordable options. anything that is "typical" reception space has been 6,000+ and most of them are in locations that i really dont want! (read golf courses!! ugh) so i finally got a price qoute from my old parrish to use their fellowship hall. 


so im thinking ok, so its not the prettiest setting (its pretty plain) but i get my church wedding, and a reception in the same city (so its convient for my FI's parents and grandma...) Their asking 600 for 8 hours including use of their kitchen. (this is for non members, i guess im no longer a member because i havent attended in a long time. i can discuss this with pastor i assume whenever i schedule a meeting.) 


So i tell my FI what i thought was good news! They quoted us 600! and penciled in for our original date of 2/14/14! Awesome right? No... he says thats too much DIY yourself and that he refuses to work the day of or the day before the wedding. :(


I also mentioned that to cut costs we could do a morning wedding and have a brunch type deal with just desserts, and again he said No! that its wrong not to feed his guests and that he wants to sit down and eat. :(


I'm super frustrated and all we do is fight. Keep in mind i gave up on my dream ceramony in my dream church, (mostly because it would have been 1,500+other fees, is 2 hours away and because i have gotten no positive responces from any of the catholic churches ive spoken with.) I'll probably have to give up on my second choice which was an awesome idea in an old theatre from 1920's... because it too is 2 hours away and because they would not have room to sit down 100 guests for a seated dinner. and my main choice which is an hour away and nice, has yet to to talk to me and is probably going to cost over 6,000! i dont want a cookie cutter wedding and i want to do something DIY so it has something of me/us in it... and shows some of our personality. is this so wrong?


How can i get him to reconsider or to be reasonable?? i dont know what to do! I'm pulling my hair out. I mean keep in mind these qoutes that are 6,000+ are just for venue and food... no cake, no dj, no decorations, no nothing... (one of them did included an estimated open bar of just beer and wine (but its on a golf course and id have to find somewhere else to have the ceramony, i have yet to hear from the other one about beverages... )


For either of those there is nothing to cut costs other then offering no liquar or cash bar... and it seems like everyone frowns on a cash bar. 


my priorities were simple:


-not spend an arm a leg and a soul.


-get married


-have my friends and family that im close to there


- have an awesome photographer (i really think the photos and hopefully if budget allows, videographer are really important!)


- have a church wedding (depending on the situation i can take or leave this, but in an ideal world i would love for it to happen this way)


- get married somewhere that is visually interesting. (i know its vain to want this, but if im going to pay 1,000+ for great pics, shouldnt there be something interesting to look at besides me and the groom? not to mention id like to be able to be in a place that inspires me! when i walked down the isle of the church i wanted, i almost cried. when i hung out in the theatre after the movie we watched i was beaming from ear to ear because every nook and cranny oozed with charm and personality and details)


i dont really care about what food im eating as long as its something i'll actually eat! nothing frilly and i cant even pronounce. simple and tasty. (which is why i liked the desert idea. everyone loves desert! <3) i dont care about having an epic wedding cake of doom! if i can afford to have a nice pretty one, cool... if not, oh well. so long as i have something symbolic of the cake. if someone wants to bake me a cake awesome! if not im perfectly happy with a simple white cake from publix or sweet bay that i decorate myself with some flowers.


when i ask him what are his priorities, all he tells me is he wants his guests to be treated nicely (yah know because i was totally going to beat them senseless) that he absolutly wants food and thinks its ludicris for me to suggest a dessert only reception, and that he wants no part of decorating or DIY'ing it. (what he fails to realise the place he wants the most, we still have to DIY and decorate it... and its an hour away and we are not allowed to go in the day before to decorate... because its a club and they cant have it decorated for a wedding because the members get mad.) 


... countinued in the next post....

Posted on July 19, 2013 at 6:24 pm
Kittywolf13
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Kittywolf13
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when he gets frustrated he tells me things like "if you can get our original date just book it! it doesnt matter where." or one day he was upset about something, tracked me down in a neighboring city while i was visiting a friend of mine and asked me if i would get married in the court house the following work day. or he'll happily agree to my ideas (he had happily agreed to the theatre... and is now not cool with it.) he says he wants his parents and his to be comfortable (and im reading impressed) and then turns around and says no ones going to come and his parents will complain because of his grandma anyways.


so now hes saying that i have no interest in what he wants, even after the last wedding cordinator we met with specifically said that i wouldnt make a descion without confiring with my FI and making sure he liked it... and that i can do what ever i want because im only thinking of myself!! 


so tonight out of frustration i said im done, you plan it... and he said no thank you. 


i dont know what to do about all these mixed signals! i dont know where to cut corners and still please his "vision." He thinks everything will be ok because suddenly his parents (after 6 or 7 months of saying nothing) answered my question of whether they were going to help with the wedding.... but they claim they cant say how much at this point and time. I told them casually at dinner one night, that one of the places quoted me 6,300 but that once you add in cake, decorations photography that it would be well over 10,000 and that we couldnt afford it, his mother shook her finger at me and said "Now you dont know that for certain." but i dont want to depend on a mysterious cash amount from a family whose first responce to our engagement was we dont have a pot to p*ss in and who took 6 months to even so much as show interest in our wedding. 


i'm very much on the verge of ending this relationship, because im seeing his behaviour change and becoming eradict and demeaning. we cant discuss anything normally... we were given furniture recently and that was a huge argument too because he had just moved into his parents guest house and situtuated the house how HE wanted. i was like hello! we cant sleep in a twin/full size bed comfortably... and where am i going to put my clothes?? i know i cant bring in my stuff, but i need my clothes. im just falling so far out of love from his selfish antics... and im not easy to deal with, but i know when i have to be reasonable about things. or know when things like getting married means sharing everything including our home, furniture, belongings, etc. we cant talk like humans anymore without it becoming an argument or a battle of whose got it worst off... and i know its just breeding all sorts of ill intent and resentment... 


i dont know what to do? what would you do? postpone? (i really dont want to do this... i want a family, i want to move in together... i mean id be postponing for what? a party!?) or just end this before it further derails into something mentally abusive... maybe he really isnt the one for me... (i never believed there was the one for me honestly... but i thought this was my one chance, the light to change that thought... maybe im wrong)


:( kudos if you actually read all of this. 

Posted on July 19, 2013 at 6:24 pm
aggiebride
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aggiebride

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WOW! First, let's take a step back. Besides wedding planning, it sounds like you have a stable loving relationship that is being thrown into a lot of distress because of the wedding. Large events with miltiple visions of how things should be really affect the bickering aspect.


With my husband, at first I was becoming upset because I felt very similarly. Then we talked, and I learned he really didn't care about a lot of things, but was just speaking because he knew I wanted his opinion (weird, right?).


It ended up really helping to go through pre-marital counselling. I highly suggest having a third party (we used my uncle, the pastor who married us- but there are many non relious venues to go as well if he/you find the relious aspect displeasing). There are lot of books that are great, the each person gets a copy and you go through it together. The third party helps facilitate the conversation, though, so it doesn't get to that point of just constantly bickering.


I really hope everything works out! Good luck, and many hugs to you!

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 2:53 am
Uhlease
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Uhlease

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Ditto Aggiebride! It seems you may need a little extra help from a third party. I honestly can't say whether or not what I think you should do, but I really don't think weddings should be bringing out all sorts of fights that don't end well. You know? Not to say that there can't be disagreements, of course there will be! but it shouldn't be so bad that you're questioning it. A little bit of a red flag for me was when you said he moved in his stuff not really thinking about how you both will be living there. That's kind of a big deal, he did ask you to MARRY him right?! That's sort of at that point where (or already kind of should have been) an 'us' thing instead of a 'you and me' thing. I really like aggiebrides suggestion about talking through things more deeply with each other and if possible, somebody who can facilitate the conversation. Good luck! Sending you tons of hugs!

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 3:54 am
chrissyrenaegray
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I agree with the above.  It does sound like he wants a traditional wedding, but your budget will probably not fit it unless you have a lot of people willing to chip in to help you out.  I would say get a third party to help the two of you sort this out and come to a compromise.  Wedding planning is stressful and bumpy, but it should be fun!

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 4:15 am
Kittywolf13
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We have done the precana (pre wedding counseling course... Granted it was with 50 other couples) and our engagement and wedding planning has been anything but fun. Ugh. Shoot myself in the head more like it. It stopped being fun after his brother got engaged 2 weeks after us, that and I was upset over it and every one thought I was being dramatic.

I've talked about consoling and he says we don't need it. The house thing is a huge deal. He doesn't see it as so because he was supposed to move in ages ago and never did for one reason or another and feels entitled to it. So he totally sees it as his place even though now he's referring to it as our love nest.

I'm just at my wits end honestly and I guess if things are going to go south it's better now before the wedding then after. Because I have very little emotional attachment to any of it anymore. I don't cry over it and I honestly don't even know if I love him anymore. I don't know if I can see a future with him or anything. He used to fulfill my emotional needs wonderfully. (I can't say the same for my ex which was the opposite, could fulfill my needs but purely put of obligation but never fulfilled my emotional needs) a part of me still wants to make it work. But the rest of me doesn't care anymore.
Posted on July 20, 2013 at 6:17 am
chrissyrenaegray
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It sounds like you're very, very stressed, and wedding planning can do that to you.  You have mentioned a few times that you thought he was trying to impress his family--do you have any reasons to believe so?

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 7:53 am
zeuster
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I so beleive in communication and if he is not willing to go to counseling to figure things out then I would postpone the whole wedding issue. As you said  its better that things go south now than after you are married and if he is not willing to talk about it compromise on it it probably won't "get better" after you are married. I have to ask is this really all over wedding planning? it seems to me there is something deeper going on. I hate to generalize but most men are happy to do small wedding related tasks like cake tasting, food tastings, pick out the music, picking out the alcohol, picking out fun shoes socks ties for the guys and stuff like that. I don't know that I have heard about a man "pitching a fit"(for lack of a better wording) over everything that seems to be upsetting him. Especially since he knows your budget constraints. maybe someone is influencing his behavior or he is trying to compete with his brothers wedding? I wish nothing but the best for you.

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 8:03 am
Kittywolf13
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Moore807, i am very very stressed and ill over it. I say that because he is always trying to impress someone. he never admited to any of his friends (except for super close friends) that he lives at home, because he doesnt want anyone to think hes a looser for being 30 and liveing at home. i do too... and i dont see a big deal in it. this town is expensive and neither of us have high paying jobs. so what should i expect to wallow in debt and bills, or live comfortably at home? my folks dont mind, and neither do i... and i dont care what anyone thinks of me living at home, but obviously he does. theres always some crazy white lie to cover up the realities of his situations. and his parents seem to enjoy putting on airs for people as well. its just an observation really...


Zeuster, hes crazy if he thinks we can even fractionally compete with his brother... considering their both Dr's and her parents are both surgeons. their getting married at a big country club, hotel and spa, and have 4 ball rooms reserved plus an outside garden for the ceramony... yeah no, cant even compete with the cocktail hour. I believe in communication as well and have tried every which way of approaching him... including ones that are not very great for communication purposes. if someones influencing him, i bet its his parents... (there the ones making excuses like "we cant take grandma", you should get married at a country club when i suggested useing a ballet studio's ball room, etc, we should wait a year or more, we cant get married right after his brother because heaven forbid no one can take time off... and i agree with this margionally. but then she tells him not to expect any of their family to even go to our wedding. maybe thats a jab that ours wont be high enough taste for the family? ) if theres an underlying issue, then hes severaly afraid to tell me about it for fear i'll lash out at him (it took him forever to tell me about a fetish of his because he was super afraid that id judge and he swears hes never told anyone about it). and ive told him time and time again... if i get angry over something, let me be angry, i'll get over it soon enough (usually far sooner then he expects) and then its out of my system and can process and discuss it properly. so i dont know. i simply dont know...

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 8:56 am
MOBRIDE72
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My honest opinion is you should postpone or have a VERY SERIOUS talk because this isn't the first time you have been so frustrated and upset that you are second guessing the whole relationship and thinking about calling it off. Wedding planning can be so stressful on both people even if the bride is doing most of the planning.  


I think the other ladies gave some great advice as well.

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 9:21 am
Kittywolf13
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I agree with you kimandbyron. But no matter of sitting down and talking has been effective hence why I'm pretty close to just saying we're through. I hate to do it. I'm so close to finally fulfilling some of my dreams but I guess it's not meant to be. I'm waiting till after next week because we have a trip that's already paid for and we can't cancel. Depending on how that goes I might just end it. There's no point in making myself sick over all of this. There's no compromising. I thought about waiting till we can sit down with both sets of parents to discuss finances but I think that would just beat around the bush in the end. So I dunno. There is a serious problem and I can't seem to discover it or solve it.
Posted on July 20, 2013 at 9:51 am
MOBRIDE72
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Well it sounds like your mind is made up but it's better to discover things now rather than after you are married. Good Luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 10:00 am
wolfmaure
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Honey, you need to step back from this situation and re-evalute it. You are too stressed and emotional and once you are calmed down you can make a sound decision. The words "getting married" and "call it quits" should not be in the same sentence. Cool down, talk it over together and then decide a plan of action. If you two are ment to be then you will be. Getting married is not a race, it is a vow. Make sure you listen to what your heart is truly saying. 


I wish you luck in your decision.

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 10:26 am
Kittywolf13
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I know its not a race. And I know those two statements should not be in the same paragraph. I know its a vow. I've let it rest for over a month and have managed to find manageable solutions in the last month but their being conceived as settling or trashy... So I don't know what else to do. My heart is so hurt its completely cut off. I'm not feeling much of anything lately. I'm just depressed and upset.
Posted on July 20, 2013 at 10:29 am
wolfmaure
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wolfmaure

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You shouldn't feel depressed or upset. It's a happy time for you. You should be enjoying this planning together. 


Unfortunately if your funds are really restricted you have two choices. Finding budget friendly alternatives or postponing until you have the funds to have your dream wedding.


Talk together and figure out what is realy the most important, uncompromising part of your wedding. For some being married now is worth a compromise and less trimmings. For some it's that dream wedding. Some cut the guest list to be able to afford a fancier day. You just need to figure out what is really the most important part that you can both agree on. Once you figure it out I am quite sure the rest of the planning will fall into place.


As for the budget, you may just need to be straight forward and ask if you have other financial support. At least you will know what you would be willing to pay on and how the wedding will look and that you will both be happy with it.

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 11:37 am
Kittywolf13
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Your absolutely right wolf. I guess I can try yet another re-approach with your advice. I'm game at this time to try anything.
Posted on July 20, 2013 at 12:49 pm
wolfmaure
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Oh, I'm sure you will find the answer that you are looking for. Just have faith.

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 12:53 pm
beccabride
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beccabride

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I agree with everything that aggiebride said.  I am keeping you and FI in my thoughts and prayers that you will be able to resolve this.  It seems that you are so stressed with the wedding planning and it is not healthy for you.  (((((hugs)))))

Posted on July 20, 2013 at 4:05 pm

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