I don't know what to think =( (long)

So.. i'm in L.A. and my FI is in killeen,tx and he went to san antonio which is like 2 hours away from him to meet an old guy friend. He drove back today and said he'd call me when he got back, but when he got back he just texted me and said he was having lunch with a friend and then i texted him back and asked who he was having lunch with and he put a friend from work, and he NEVER does that!! he'll usually put "oh my friend stevie from work" or something but there was no name mentioned just "A FRIEND" and i thought it was kind of weird but i let it go. Then he texts me later and said he was going to his friends house to cook dinner and that his friend stevie was going there too so i asked him who's house and again he said "my friend" then i asked which friend is this? then he put "OH the new girl from work that works with stevie" so... the thing is he went to lunch and shopping with this girl which he didn't want to mention... then he said is it bothering you and i said what's bothering me is that you said you'd call me when you got home but instead your out with this girl you didn't want to mention like you were hiding something.. then he said i didn't call her she texted me while i was driving back and her stevie and i made plans to have lunch this weekend (yet stevie wasn't even with them at lunch and stuff) and he said that he was sorry he didn't mention her name and that he'd die before lying to me or hiding anything from me... i don't know what to think =( I want to believe him but i don't know.

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:22 pm
ajkim777
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(29) Comments

heartsetfreebylove
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heartsetfreebylove

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heartsetfreebylove

hmm... did he say all of this over text or has he called you?


Sorry you are going through this. Sometimes guys can be so thick headed. Make sure he knows you are serious and upset about this.

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:27 pm
ajkim777
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it's all over text =(

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:27 pm
heartsetfreebylove
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heartsetfreebylove

Personally I'd be pissed by this point...

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:30 pm
ajkim777
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I called him and now he's yelling at me saying he did nothing wrong he just forgot to mention her name

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:38 pm
spongebob
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If you trust him,then he'll appreciate...  Viseversa,if he doubt about you,you will be upset,too.

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:42 pm
ovt22
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oh... sweetie I hope this works out.... i'd be suspicious bc i've been a victim of such ********************.... but don't assume bc this guy wants to MARRY you and it might have been a "honest" mistake... or.... hmmph... i just hope no one gets hurt

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:43 pm
ovt22
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well said spongebob!! i wish i could be to the point like that!

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:47 pm
ajkim777
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a big part of me trusts him but a very small amount has doubts cause i've been hurt like you too ovt22 i don't want to jump to conclusions either i just don't know should i just let it go?

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:50 pm
ajkim777
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thank you girls

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:51 pm
caribear
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i must say, this is one of the reasons I hate text messaging... it could definitely be an honest mistake.  and being a part from each other doesn't help.  When DH and I were about 2 years into our relationship he had to go away for business for 3 weeks.  On his trip he met alot of people, one of them being a girl that he dubbed his "little sister".  We barely talked during that time because he didn't have long distance on his cell (way back in the day) and he was super busy.  It drove me nuts (I would cry myself to sleep).  When he got back we had a long talk about it and made our relationship stronger.  Hopefully after your talk with FI he will be more aware of what he says/texts so that something like this doesn't happen again.  Trust your gut instinct.

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 7:58 pm
ajkim777
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thank you caribear i do trust him

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 8:05 pm
MommyLynda
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ajkim...why do I always have to start out by qualifying by saying that I'm a Mom? A very, very experienced Mom.  I sure don't believe that Your gut is telling you to trust him, otherwise you wouldn't have doubts and you would have written the post.


Here's what I have to say...


People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.  In addition...and some of the ladies on this site disagree with me...but there will come a day when they don't...Men and women CAN NOT be friends.  There is no reason why any man needs to have lunch alone with a woman.  We have a rule...there's no lunches, dinners, drinks...with any woman alone.  Just on appearances alone it's not good.  Not to mention that eventually that "friendship" will turn into something that isn't good.  My husband is in a business with many, many beautiful, talented woman.  Uh, no lunches, dinners, or drinks alone with them.  No bbq's no private meetings...If he needs to, grab a friend, another co-worker anyone and have lunch.


The sooner THAT is your rule, the better.  It doesn't mean that people who are going to cheat, won't, but it IS NOT a good idea!


I'm sure your Mom would say the same thing.

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Soon2beMrs.Lee
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I like your rules mommy!! Sadly two of my best friends are guys, my hubby is okay with it but I tell him everything, and I don't do anything that would piss him off I think of what looks appropriate as well. My best friend from HS is a guy, we have a brother sister kind of friendship, but still I realize that he is a guy that is not related to me and there fore I would not say go over to his house alone, or while his wife is not home.

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 8:17 pm
ajkim777
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I just don't want to be "that girl" mommylynda.. Because i know i could have lunch with a guy and only be friends. I grew up with having pretty much only guy friends and have never had any feelings toward any of them. I want to trust him cause that's what a relationship is, as I would want him to trust him.. I'm very open with him and tell him EVERYTHING if i went to a bar and talked to a guy my FI will know all about it i don't hide anything from him and he's the same way that's why when this happened it kinda shocked me a bit but i mean it could just be a mistake =( i don't know

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 8:17 pm
DesertRain
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I know what you're saying ajkim. I agree with Mommy, and only because I've been through hell and back with my relationships, and I know it seems like a poor justification but if I could explain my life story, I'm sure all would agree. The thing is, it's not about being "that girl". Its about being comfortable and not having that pitting, churning feeling in your belly that leaves you a bit short of breath. It's about not hearing from your man on time---and not worrying about it in the first place, because trust is there. It's not that we're implying that he's doing something wrong, but if you're not feeling good about it, you need to lay down the rules now or it's not going to go away. I also grew up closer to guys than gals, and I have 2 very close friends that are males, however, I no longer do things with them on a solo level? It's not that anything would happen (on my part--because you never ever truly know what a man is thinking in his head) it's the part about others seeing me with another man, and sharing time and stories etc with someone when that time and those stories really belong to my man. Your FI should be your best friend, kwim? I know that in my experience, whether a guy was cheating on me or doing something wrong, or not....that unsure feeling was the problem, not the actual situation. If you can't get that feeling to go away, the problem has not resolved. That's what people mean when they say to listen to your gut. I know it sucks but you need to let him know how it makes you feel and ask him what he will do to make it feel better. Good luck and keep us posted! (((hugs)))

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 8:28 pm
caribear
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aj~My DH and I are the same way... I can't keep anything from him.  And vice versa.  Really a big part of this for me is the texting.  Things can be misconstrued.  Its not like he kept it from you... he did come out and tell you.  And I do have good friends that are guys (but they are DH's good friends too).  And there is times I go out with just one of the guys... like you said, relationships are based on trust.

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 8:29 pm
ajkim777
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thanks desertrain and I have talked to him about it and he just said that he's disappointed that i'd ever doubt him since he has not and will not ever doubt me cause he trusts that i'd never do anything wrong to hurt him in that way and said that he'd do anything that he'd need to do to prove to me and show me that he has never and will never do anything to hurt me in anyway...he said he'd tell me everything he does from the moment he wakes to the time he sleeps if he has too but i don't want it to be that way.. I have trust issues i don't trust anyone to the full extent cause anything can happen but i know i should trust in some things

Posted on March 22, 2009 at 8:34 pm
theprincessbride
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He probably thought that if he said he was out with a girl you wouldn't like it. Even if it's purely platonic, girls can be jealous and, at times, make unjustified assumptions. He might have just been trying to avoid an argument or an interrogation if he expected you to object to him spending time with a girl friend. Obviously he should have been honest with you from the beginning, but it doesn't mean he's guilty of anything other than omitting some details. I'd talk about it when he gets home.


Since FI and I spend so much time apart, we have come to an understanding that the appearance of sin is as bad as the sin itself. We don't go to lunch or spend time alone with our friends of the opposite sex, we always go in 3s as a minimum and we don't invite them over to our homes or go to theirs alone. Not because we would ever cheat on each other or because they would ever make a move or because we don't trust each other or anything like that, but because me going out to coffee to catch up with an old guy friend from college while FI's 8000 miles away is the appearance of a sin. People could assume we are on a date or worse having an affair together and we just don't want to invite any gossip that could turn into something more and end up hearing about it from someone else.


You might explain this reasoning to your FI, because I agree that it's disrepectful for him to go out of town and to lunch alone with a girl other than his fiance. Even if it's purely platonic, it invites assumptions from all different sides and it's unneccessary!

Posted on March 23, 2009 at 2:15 am
momzilla
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I TOTALLY agree with MommyLynda.....I'm a mom myself and have many years of experience.   Men and women cannot be friends; for those of you that think this is wrong, just ask your guy "friend" if they would sleep with you.  You know they would if they could, therefore the whole idea of "just friends" goes out the window.  The fact that he was evasive about telling you who he was with is suspicious.  Granted, he probably didn't want you to freak out, but still.   Establish the ground rules now and there won't be any confusion.   I don't see anything wrong with going out to lunch with a group of men and women, but one on one is a no-no.  Trust me, I've been down this road.

Posted on March 23, 2009 at 3:40 am
DesertRain
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This sums um what I was trying to say in a sentence, "the appearance of sin is as bad as the sin itself" exactly Princessbride.


When people say "you have to trust"....that's one thing, saying "I trust him/her"....that's another, it's the truth that speaks volumes unspoken, know what I mean?

Posted on March 23, 2009 at 4:31 am
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