I need your help: Do any other new brides feel the way I do?

I was married to my sweet husband on Feb 28, 09. Life with him is wonderful. He is the deepest blessing in my life. What surprised me 2 weeks after the wedding was - post-wedding depression. Sitting on the sofa in our cute new place, with the husband who is also my best friend ... suddenly I start crying for no reason! (Before I go on - I have met with my Dr and am seeing a therapist next week.) I am normally a happy person, very well adjusted, successful in my business career, but am prone to depression due to chemical imbalance in my brain. Because I have been managing depression since 16 years old, I know this signs of depression in myself.


I think I need validation from others. Validation that my wedding was beautiful and wonderful. I need validation that my photos are beautiful and that it really was a beautiful event (and not just beautiful in my mind).I know this must sound selfish, and apparently the wedding industry effectively sold me on the "need" to have a wedding to showcase to others.


My friends and family are sweet, but they just don't provide the validation I'm looking/hoping for. I didn't post much on here during the planning of my wedding. I wish I had, so that I could have made more friends through this arduous process! You all know how much effort and time this takes!


To complicate matters more, my mom blew up at me the day before the wedding because of tension in our divorced family. This is her pattern: she blows up at me then gives me the silent treatment. She is not a comforting mother, nor is she traditional in any way. She told me how awful I was and just yelled and yelled at me. I cried and cried, then turned to my dad and stepmom for support. They are wonderful.


Lastly, because of the insecurities I've often had from my mom's yelling, I find myself comparing my wedding photos to others'. I always tried not to compare, but a friend of mine got married close to the time I got married, and I felt so insecure compared to the wedding she had. The comparison wasn't so much about budgets, but about beauty. The twisted part in all of this is that I generally feel pretty good about myself.


Please help me. Have you felt this way? If your mom blew up at you emotionally on your wedding day, was it difficult for you to look at wedding photos of that, because it reminded you of that moment? Do you want to see a beautiful day, but instead see your emotional pain (knowing others don't see that pain)? Have you caused yourself pain by comparing your wedding to others?


 


 


 

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 5:38 pm
ABY
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02/28/2009
ABY

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(17) Comments

troyanwedding
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03/21/2010
troyanwedding

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I'm so sorry ABY, I haven't gotten married yet, but I do know that I already feel wierd that I am getting married, that I am at the age to get married and the question of what is there to look forward to after the wedding. I think my issue is more with growing up and dealing witht those issues. But I do know a lot of people have a hard time after the wedding because they think it's all over.

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 5:42 pm
ABY
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Hey thanks! I don't want to worry you or anyone else about what comes 'after the wedding' - MARRIAGE is bliss. It truly is. There is so much to look forward to in life, but I just feel like I'm at a post-wedding depression standstill. (I haven't finalized my thank-you notes, haven't organized our new apartment, haven't done all the DIY projects around the place we'd love to do). I hope others can tell me how they feel.

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 5:51 pm
jharks
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10/11/2008
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I can attest that post-wedding depression is normal. I was slightly blue after the wedding for a few weeks and I spoke to other brides who said they went through the same thing. I guess my situation isn't as extreme as yours, but the sadness (to an extent) is normal.

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 5:53 pm
ABY
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Thanks jharkins. Did any of you find yourself doing a comparison at all?

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 5:57 pm
jamichael
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05/16/2009
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i'm not married yet, but what i would suggest is to focus on the positive! your wedding day is in the past now, and its purpose was achieved - you married the man of your dreams! right? you have a wonderful future to look forward to! try not to associate your wedding day with whatever happened with your mom... the day was about you and your husband starting a new life together! just for that reason, it was a beautiful day (regardless of how the centerpieces looked or how the photos turned out or whatever anyone else might have thought about it...)

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 5:58 pm
kristeen
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11/22/2008
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aby - it's hard not to compare. 


i still look at everyone's weddings and think to myself, wow, that would have been much cooler than what i did.  why didn't i think of that?  but i have to remind myself, there will always been something cooler every time i open an issue of modern bride or martha stewart weddings.


but i loved our wedding - it was exactly what my husband and i wanted and if i had the chance to do it all over again, i wouldn't have changed a thing.


and the depression is normal.  you spend every waking moment thinking about the big day that it's an emotional shock once it's done.  you are quitting cold turkey.


there are tons of us newlyweds on here that are a great support group so stick around and chat with us.  you may get some ideas on how to get out of your funk.  i did it by helping other brides with projects. :)


 

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 6:05 pm
jharks
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If you are comparing yourself to other brides, I suggest you get off this, and other wedding sites, for a month or two and just spend your time enjoying your husband and you new wonderful life. Maybe you need something new to focus on, like a class or hobby or sport or something. I had law school applications to throw myself into which really helped, plus, I didn't sign on here for like 4 months, not because of the comparison, just because it wasn't really as relevant anymore.


I really hope you can find happiness in your life as it is right now and find the strength to lean on your husband and decide you are content.

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 6:06 pm
ABY
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So true!! I am really trying to focus on our new life together. It was a beautiful day. Perfect, in fact. Sunny LA, 72 degrees, butterflies and ladybugs (all my faves).


This is my first sign-on since the wedding, and I'm seeing how it's valuable to be among friends who can relate! ;)


Seriously, hearing others' stories and experiences is a huge help. I feel like I'm doing all I can to, and I think I'll move through this so much faster with support!

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 6:07 pm
kristinkay
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04/05/2009
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So I have only been married for like 2 and half weeks, but I really haven't felt post wedding depression at all - I have been feeling overwhelmed with everything that was put on hold for the wedding that has been piling up for months that I should be getting to now, but I still have tons of wedding related things to do.


I will say however, that many many times after something that was very stressful, like finals or an interview or something like that, I have often just broken down and cried afterwards. It is just an emotional release to just be done with something that was causing you so much stress. I am sure with the situation with your mom, and the fact that weddings are so personal and emotional anyways you might just be going through an emotional rollercoaster, ya know?


I don't compare my wedding really - I love looking at other people's weddings because I love weddings. And there are totally some moments when I am like "ohhh that is so dang cute, I wish I had done that" or "if I had to replan I might totally go for something like that" but I loved my day, and I did everything exactly as I wanted and I ended up married and thats what is important :)


 

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 6:08 pm
ABY
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02/28/2009
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kristinkay - first, your wedding is truly beautiful. thanks so much for your comment. your insights are helpful. The funny thing is that 99.999% of that day was PURE bliss.

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 6:22 pm
HeyHayles
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05/22/2010
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Hi ABY,


I haven't had my wedding yet, but I want to comment about your feelings about your experience with your mom making the memories of the day more painful.  I think this is a normal reaction.  My hope for you is that with time (and therapy) that you will be able to be less raw from that experience so you will be able to enjoy the memories/photos from your wedding.  One of my friends had a very stressful wedding (like the kind where it was possibly not going to happen) which included problems between her and FH AND a family member going to the hospital the day after.  Both created a lot of emotions for my friend and even now, over a year later, she hasn't made her album.  When I asked her about it recently, she used the rough emotions at the time as the reason for not wanting it: she said it wasn't a good time for her and she doesn't really want to think about it.  So, I offer that simply to share that you are not alone.  Having an upsetting event during or very close to the wedding is definitely something that can make it harder to enjoy the wedding on the day and afterwards. 


We're here to support you and I really think that with distance, you'll be able to really look back and appreciate your wedding day since I am sure it was beautiful AND since you and DH have such a great relationship, it will be a great record of your relationship moving to that next level.  Just give it time :)

Posted on April 22, 2009 at 7:31 pm
sly9377
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10/24/2009
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I'm so sorry you are feeling that way! I know the feeling (but not wedding related) and it really sucks! I am glad you are going to see someone to talk with, it really will hep. I think part of it is going thru SO much planning for such a period of time to bam! nothing is very hard for some people.


Keep your head up, you'll get thru this! **Hugs**

Posted on April 23, 2009 at 6:29 am
leahm
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I find that I can get a little  down in the dumps if I don't have things to look forward to.


So what helps me is to plan for something to look forward to.  Example of some things I do to keep me from feeling like I have nothing exciting:


Run a race  5k,


Plan  a weekend getaway


Focus on work ( I am a teacher so sometimes I'll put energy into a really cool project


Set a goal for myself:  Go to yoga, eat right...


Hope that helps.  I think we get so excited about planning because its so much fun, that when its over its totally anti climax, so change it up, and plan for something else...


Hope that helps 

Posted on April 23, 2009 at 8:06 am
ABY
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02/28/2009
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You gals are so awesome. You're getting me back up to setting goals again, really thinking about what I want to do with my life, and get organized for life's next great adventure.


 


Thanks so much xoxooxox

Posted on April 24, 2009 at 11:09 am
staceyns
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03/28/2009
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I want the validation from others, but mainly because man you work so hard on planning this wedding, you just want others to say how wonderful it was just because that is what you feel and you think.  I always think of other questions to ask, like did you like my first dance song, just because I ant to know that my ideas and choices had as big of an impact on the guests that I wanted it to!! Does that make sense??


But maybe you should forgive your mom, that way when you look at your pictures you don't feel the hurt and you feel the happiness. Maybe you are relating the pain your mom caused you the day before your wedding on your wedding. 


 


Good luck!

Posted on May 1, 2009 at 5:44 am
tstar
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I am not married yet, but I do have to admit I am a bit leary of what I am going to do after the wedding, I need a new project. 


Right now I am fighting feelings of satisfying everyone with my wedding.  I really do not say anthing about this because I feel silly, but I do worry about everyone liking the wedding even though I know it should be something my FI and I are happy with.  I wonder if they will be comparing it to other weddings they have gone to. 

Posted on May 1, 2009 at 6:16 am
sandmart.12022007
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sandmart.12022007

I am not married yet but as of now I am currently trying to deal with the possibility of not having anyone around from my immediate family make it to the wedding. I am going to fly out to the States from the Philippines and the whole visa and fare expenses are too much (apart from the fact that it is so hard to secure a tourist visa from my country).


I have never been the mushy and romantic type but having my family's presence for my wedding is a big deal for me and yet, that may not happen. Talk about depression, oh yes, I have a lot of that going on right now and I try my best to at least see the brighter side of things. FI promised that we would have a renewal of vows maybe after two years in the Philippines - who knows? But I still have this nagging feeling about it would just be wonderful to have at least mom and dad around.


Oh my gosh, I could start crying now.

Posted on May 1, 2009 at 6:30 am

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