Inappropriate behavior

Alright ladies, DH and I have officially had our first big blow out. I don't think I'm over re-acting, I don't see his point of view, he doesn't see mine.


I'll try to make it short. DH has a female friend I don't like. He met her when she was "dating" his married friend. So all I know about this girl is she has no problem sleeping with married men... they got together while I was away for work, and found out from her 3 weeks later when the 3 of us went out for dinner. I was furious... anyway, we've talked about that, he knows I don't trust her. I love DH dearly, I know he adores me and would never cheat on me. I just afraid of them getting together while I'm gone, he's lonely and drunk, and well... you can see where I am going with this.


Anyway come home last night, need a number he texted me, and I find in his outbox "I love you Megan" to her. I FREAKED out. He says its just how they are, they were just joking, They are just friends, and I need to realize that.


I can't realize that. I think it is totally inapproproiate and unacceptable behavior. Esp because he knows I don't like her. I know he would never cheat on me, but this whole situation makes me terribly uncomfortable. I don't want to be that wife and say "Its marriage with me or friendship with her" but honestly, thats how I feel...


How do I deal with this situation ladies???

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 2:53 am
aprilxlirpa
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12/27/2008
aprilxlirpa

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(180) Comments

GoingtobeGoff
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05/14/2009
GoingtobeGoff

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GoingtobeGoff

oh wow... april, so sorry to hear that... WTH?  i would say there's no excuse for that!! but i don't desire to see you two seperate... oh, hugs!! 

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 2:55 am
jbl04d
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Wow April. Sounds like there's a lot going on there. I totally respect that you don't want to end all of his relationships with other female friends, but the "i love you" is DEFINATELY overboard-especially considering her past.

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 2:56 am
aprilxlirpa
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aprilxlirpa

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aprilxlirpa

No, we're not going to seperate, I just don't know how to make him understand its not ok. In his mind, he's done nothing wrong, they are just friends... but in my mind he's a freakin idiot!

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 2:56 am
Niecy
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(((hugs))) .... so sorry .... and it is WAAAAAAAY  inappapropriate behavior ....I was totally seeing your DH's point of you until you mentioned the "I love you" text .... not necessary , totally inappropriate and very disrespectful to you , to EVER say that to a woman not related by blood other than you!  


I would sit him down and explain to him your feelings calmly and rationally , and that you trust him enough to let him continue the friendship , but that things like "I love you" texts are totally unacceptable and hurtful wether he means it to be or not. 


Good Luck!!!!  

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 2:57 am
Soon2BeENR
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I think you are in the right here.  That is NOT appropriate behavior, ESPECIALLY since he is a married man.  You're not asking for him to cut off contact with all his female friends; it sounds like this one puts your warning flags up, which hearing the text message, sounds like you have every right.  He needs to understand that you are being a jealous, possesive wife; you are genuinly concerned about this particular situation.  Good luck with this one!

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 2:58 am
Ammolove
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I feel the same way!! My FI used to have a really close female friend that he would say "I Love You" to and it made me SOO uncomfortable. I told him about it and he understood. I dont understand how some men dont see how telling someone other than their wife(other than family) that they love them may hurt our feelings and be inappropriate.
Posted on February 24, 2009 at 2:58 am
jbl04d
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That may be the hardest part, making him realize that it's not okay. Have you asked him how he would feel if you were to have a male friend and said "i love you" to him? My guess is that most guys wouldn't like that, but not sure seeing that he thinks it's not a big deal with her?


So sorry this is happening April!

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 2:58 am
al0626
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oh shit, april.  i would be LIVID. totally, 100% completely UNACCEPTABLE.  don't back down from this one...this is serious stuff.  especially when he knows your feelings and opinion.  if stuff like this keeps going on, you'll second guess every statement that comes from his mouth.  make sure you get your point STRONGLY across...it is NOT ok

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 2:59 am
butterflydreams
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butterflydreams

I'm so sorry, I would be upset to.........have you said to him "what if this was myself, and a male friend in this situation?  Would you trust him"  Maybe if he saw it that way, it might make some sense to him?  If you trust him, that's great, but sometimes it's the "other party" you don't trust, and that gives you a very uncomfortable feeling.....so sorry......but I'm sure you two will work through it.....

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:00 am
YaryandAlex
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WOW..it sounds like a tough one. Look I can lie to you and tell you that bull crap about..you need to trust him more, you need to believe him, you need to let him have friends..BULL CRAP!! your newlyweds and he shouldn't be texting a friend with I love you, specially if he knows you don't like her. I'm sure they are just friends but he needs to take your feelings into consideration. And yes! I believe in trusting one another but at the same time, you can't be a blind little poor wife that trusts everyone's around her and then gets screwed over..you know what I mean? Be nice, don't scream be reasonable, but tell him your bothered by her and how you feel, He needs to understand. I'm not trying to keep adding to your feelings, I just think he needs to be more considerate.

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:02 am
dana.rw
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10/24/2009
dana.rw

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dana.rw

**HUGS** That is totally inappropriate!! Even if saying it in a friendship way "I Love You" are very powerful words that should only be said when meaning it.... and most of all, only to you!!! How guys don't understand this is beyond me.


Good Luck!

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:03 am
sbiery
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I agree with Jbl04d - He would NOT be ok with this if the story was reversed. When you can sit down calmly, explain to him that even if he doesn't see a problem with his behavior, it is hurting you. He might still think he's right, but out of respect for you he needs to stop.


al0626 - I agree with you too, I am livid just reading about it!

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:04 am
LandL
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April I am so sorry...you def have to make him realize if the situation was reversed he wouldn't like it at all...best of luck

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:04 am
erindira
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FI and I were in a similar situation a few months ago. An ex-girlfriend (from 7 years ago) remained friends with him and had occasional contact with him. Once she broke up with her boyfriend, FI became the shoulder she cried on. I had no problem with it until the phone  calls and text messages from her started coming several times a day and she started exhibiting flirtatious behavior. I saw a text message to her from my FI that was intended to be a joke, but it hurt my feelings. We talked, and he agreed to end the friendship because she had proven that she was trying to cross the line with him.


In your situation, it doesn't sound like she's tried crossing the line with your husband, but I'd be concerned with her as well given her track record. However, it sounds like she's been friends with your DH for a while, so, understandably, he feels like it's too extreme to just cut off the friendship.


I'm sure the two of you will find a solution that works for your relationship given time and probably several conversations. I can understand both points of view in this case, although I can definitely relate more to your side. I think you need to better understand his friendship with her, maybe even spend some time with just her to get where she's coming from as well. If you can't develop trust for her, let your DH know that, and that you'd appreciate his complete honesty with all interactions with her and keep one-on-one time with her limited. Hopefully he'll see that it's not about you not trusting him and he'll be willing to compromise.

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:04 am
al0626
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al0626

grrr i'm still pissed!  this'll work out girl, but he did that thinking you'll never see it or find out...just makes me wonder.  i'm SURE that it was in a friendship kinda way, but he KNOWS how you felt about it and just disregarded it.  completely not cool.

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:05 am
jbl04d
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I see a good point coming through a lot of these posts. Some guys just don't see why it's a big deal. But on the other hand, how you feel needs to be a big deal to him. So maybe instead of approaching it in a right/wrong kind of way, he might understand where you're coming from if you go about it at a different angle. Like, this really bothers me, and is not okay with me-and because I'm your wife I need to feel like you respect my desires and feelings on things like this.

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:05 am
sbiery
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FI and I are not together often either, we're doing the long distance thing. Anyway - last summer he became friends with this girl who flat out told him that she liked him as more than a friend. He continued to hang out with her and have LONG conversations with her. We weren't engaged yet, but had been together 3-4 years. When I found out about it I told him how hurt I was and that once she expressed an interest as more than a friend he should have backed off. We fought about it for awhile, but he finally ended the friendship.


I don't know about your situation, but I think my FI just enjoyed the attention from someone new. Once he finally understood what that relationship was doing to me he apologized and we moved on. I hope that happens in your story too! Good luck :)

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:10 am
perky8304
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03/29/2009
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my fi and i had a similar situation a while back... the girl was a complete sl*t and he worked with her... she hooked up with just about everyone from their work... he kept hanging out with her etc... we had the same fight where i told him i didnt trust her... then he said no you dont trust me... i explained to him that if he allows her to be flirtatious with him (which she was) that it was disrespectful to me and the other people outside of this don't know that he's not doing anything with her... they see some guy who has a fiancee who is letting some girl be flirtatious... i told him it would make me look stupid and the moment he makes me look stupid and disrespects me when he knows he is doing i would call off the wedding... this kept going even after that but then i realized he was trying to make me jealous b/c ive never really exhibited being jealous of him... so i stopped paying attention and he stopped hanging out with her... maybe it might be the same situation and just a jealousy thing?  no clue... i hope this helps!  im so sorry though and you have every right to be upset...

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:12 am
jenna7473
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06/27/2009
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sounds like alot of girls have good advice for you, i just wanted to offer a ((((hug!!))))


sorry you have to go through this, it isnt fair at all to give yourself to someone, and have them not respect you the way you respect them.

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:15 am
mydreamring
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03/27/2010
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Oh hun I am so sorry that you even have to deal with this kind of behavior from your DH. That behavior is not acceptable by any measure, you DH should take a real hard look at the situtation and if it's something that makes you feel uncomfortable he may need to end the friendship with her if it is going to cause trouble between the two of you. I agree with the other ladies by if the table swere turned and how he would feel in that situation. You have to nip this in the bud immediately before she gets too comfortable around him.


{{HUGS}}

Posted on February 24, 2009 at 3:18 am
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