It's SO complicated!

This is a VERY long story but I'd REALLY like to hear your input so bear with me!

First off, my fiancé and I have been together for over 4 years, engaged for over 3 years.  Originally, we wanted to get married right away.  We decided to wait and save up more money for the wedding.  Then, we put it off so that I could finish school & also for cultural reasons (complicated).  We were planning to have two wedding ceremonies to honor both of our traditions.  Before I fast-forward, I should give you some cultural context.

Basically in my culture, there is a lot of importance surrounding the purity of a woman.  It is believed that women should not engage in premarital sex, spend the night with a man even if nothing sexual happens, live with a man before marriage or anything of that sort.  In strict families, if a girl were to do any of the above things, she is considered to be automatically married to the guy & her family's "reputation" would be tarnished in the community.  I should also randomly mention that weddings in my culture last an entire weekend, so they are therefore usually very costly & this big ol' ordeal.

Not really giving a damn about "reputation," I decided to live with my fiancé and all that good stuff.  I've been living with him for a while now and & my family has been very supportive of our relationship because they recognize that he's a good guy with a good head on his shoulders.  Okay, ready for the mess?  *fast-forward*

I lost my dad to cancer January 2013.  We were very close, like two peas in a pod.  It was very devastating to our entire family and I had a very tough time sorting out my feelings the first few months of this year.  Because of our loss, we wanted to wait until summer of 2014 to get married so that it would be a new year, a fresh start apart from all the sadness.  At the same time, I didn't want to lose any more people close to us before we get married & I didn't want our future kids to miss out on knowing their remaining grandparents because time doesn't stand still & nobody is getting any younger.

In April, I found out about my pregnancy.  Although it wasn't planned, this pregnancy is very much wanted and welcomed.  I love being pregnant & I'm SO excited about this new chapter in our lives but this pregnancy changes everything.

I want to have a small, simple ceremony that somehow ties both of our customs together after the baby is born.  People in my community/culture no longer see the sense in having a wedding ceremony since I'm pregnant.  My fiancé thinks we should just disregard and not invite people who would be there to judge us and not to share our joy.  I'm just confused about what to do altogether.  I guess I just need a little support for going through with a ceremony because I'm not that confident in the decision.  Do you think a wedding after baby is tacky?

Posted on September 11, 2013 at 11:45 pm
twinkletoes1231
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(8) Comments

MOBRIDE72
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04/25/2015
MOBRIDE72

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MOBRIDE72

You should do what you and your FI want. Its not tacky after a baby to have a wedding. If your culture is important to you then by all means include it but it seems you've already done some things outside the norm for your culture. I agree with your FI people that attend should be there to support you and be happy for you
Posted on September 12, 2013 at 12:49 am
Canooknic
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07/19/2013
Canooknic

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 I totally agree with Kim, do what you & your FI want, your day is definitely no less special because of your baby and you deserve to have the day you want!  If people aren't willing to love & support you and your decisions I personally wouldn't invite them, your wedding should be a celebration of your love and your lives together not a day of being reminded that you didn't do what someone else feels is 'right'.

Posted on September 12, 2013 at 9:01 am
aggiebride
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02/04/2012
aggiebride

aggiebride

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aggiebride

You know, life happens despite our best laid plans. It sounds like you know what you are doing, and as far as someone thinking it's tacky? They can go kick rocks. I think it is important to have those who love you and support you with you on your wedding day. Your FI sounds like a smart and caring individual. 

Posted on September 12, 2013 at 9:03 am
Uhlease
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09/02/2012
Uhlease

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Uhlease

 I agree with the others 100%! A wedding is still special regardless of circumstances...people should want to love and support you! Congratulations! I would try to have a small ceremony with just those people that are closest to me

Posted on September 12, 2013 at 9:22 am
poppyaka
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06/11/2011
poppyaka

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poppyaka

I understand the differences in culture.  A stranger on the street would think that my husband and I probably have a similar background however he family is of another culture.  Speaking from personal experience dealing with a different culture.  It is most important to live the life that you and your husband want for yourselves and for your future child.

I understand you do not want to disrespect your culture or his however if you make major decisions solely based on others and not you and your husband's happiness you may always find yourself living for other people and their expectations.

My opinion is to have the wedding when you feel comfortable (even after the baby is born) and invite people that will be non judgemental and will support the new life that you both have together.

Trust me, we invited people that were 100% supporting us and we both have no regrets!

Posted on September 12, 2013 at 1:46 pm
twinkletoes1231
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twinkletoes1231

 Thanks for your advice, support & kind words ladies!  It really does mean a lot to me & sheds some light onto my situation.  *rubs hands together*  Now for the planning!  MOOHAHA!  :)

Posted on September 12, 2013 at 5:14 pm
Kittywolf13
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02/01/2014
Kittywolf13

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Kittywolf13

 Good luck and congrats on everything! enagement and baby!! I think while honoring your traditions, you need to still honor your self and those closet to you! You said both your parents supported you and your FI, so i imagine that they would would/would have (sorry for your loss by the way) supported a wedding after baby is born despite what others may think. :) I agree with previous posters have said, invite only those who would support and love you as thats whats most important in the celebration of marriage, your marriage and those who love you! <3 I wish i could say no to certain people that are inevitably going to be invited to my wedding, but im not too worried about it in the long run. Good luck!

Posted on September 12, 2013 at 6:15 pm
Linnn
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09/14/2014
Linnn

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Linnn

 congrats and good luck on planning! I think that's the right decision for you.

Someone will always be unsatisfied w/ your decisions..def can't please everybody.

If they are with it, fine. If not, so be it. Do what makes you happy!

Posted on September 18, 2013 at 3:01 pm

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