Kind of ticked at FBIL! Suggestions?

so i feel really bad for my FI at the moment... his brother is well off (a dr) and his FIL's are paying for his wedding (i imagine in full... also dr's.) So the other night he texted my FI to tell him hes decided between two out of state places for his bachleors party. Poor FI is worried sick over this (granted he is a worry wort but this time its a legitamate worry) a.) He hates planes, B.) hes not much of a partier anymore and can no longer even drink due to medication he is on and his brother is a HUGE drinker... like there isnt a single pic on his fb that does not have booze in it... and the biggiest reason of all is C.) he cant really afford, hotel, plane ticket, and whatever hes supoused to chip in. He is the best man so its complicated.... FMIL has already fussed at him about not wanting to go, and im afraid it wont get any better.

I fear this will bring a lot of heartache and headache and sore feelings... FBIL's wedding is two months after ours... we arnt going on a honeymoon right away due to time off and of course funds. (just a minimoon) so i feel as if FBIL is being very unfair to his brother, since he knows full well my FI does not make a lot of money and is always struggling to make ends meet. :( i also feel bad because this is a problem between him and his family, and i know he will wimp out and probably some how end up going even if it means sacraficing something else to go just to mainly shut up FMIL... and i fear he will get stuck in a unsavory situation (i dont think hed ever cheat on me so its not that at all) and i wont be able to do anything being two or more states away! so the thought makes me seriously anxious. we thought FBIL had agreed to keep the bachelors in the same state... but changed his mind again. So im ticked off, but have backed away and am letting FI handle it, unless he asks... cause what else can i do???

What would you do?

(On a slightly related note, i am also worried about FI's bachelors party. My FI is a geek/nerdy and enjoys video games, card games and table top gaming... FI's bro is more like the jock, enjoys partying and boozing it up. FI cant drink, but is extremely social... i know a great idea for FI's bachelors party, but FI doesnt have a lot of guy friends anymore... and fewer still that are attending/invited to the wedding. mainly for budget purposes. I polled a mutual friend of ours who i knew wouldnt get offended about whether i could ask a few of FI's gaming friends to help throw a party but if they would be offended not being invited to the wedding. i know its bad ettiquete but thought guys are generally less drama filled that they would be cool with it because theyd be getting a fun party out of the deal. Said friend thought it was a cool idea, but had no clear answer and ended it with i shouldnt be the one planning FI's bachlors party anyways.... which i agree, but im afraid that FBIL will plan a typical bachelors that FI wont be able to enjoy. you know the typical strip clubs and bars. While i know i wont have a spectacular bachlerette party i know that my girls will at least take the time to all get together and make it an awesome time together and it will be loads of fun.... so i feel guilty (even before its happened) that my poor FI will get the short end of the stick. I kind of feel like he keeps getting the short end of the stick with most of the wedding... even though ive included him in EVERYTHING and he has happily, as far as i know, been involved....)

So ladies am i worrying myself into a grave for nothing?? what to do?

Posted on October 16, 2013 at 10:57 pm
Kittywolf13
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Uhlease
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Uhlease

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Uhlease

Do him and his brother actually want to be invovled in each others bach parties? I just ask because my sister was my MOH, and we're close, but she's older and had a baby a month or so before all my festivities and honestly we both just knew/agreed that she wouldn't be interested in joining my bach party (we're close but very different!) and luckily it was fine. I was her MOH but did not attend her bach party b/c I was underage and she went to Vegas. Maybe this headache can be avoided if they just talk and agree to support each other but not attend the parties. It sounds like each has their own set of friends that can step up and help plan (that's how it worked for me and my sis). Not sure how close ur FI and his bro are?

 

And your second question about your FI having a bach party with friends that arent invited to the wedding-I think it depends on the friends. If you were having a super small wedding and had to cut A LOT of friends off, they should understand, but who knows. Only FI would know how his friends might take it...

I had a very specific thing in mind for my bach party so I pretty much planned it (luckily with the help of a good friend/Bridesmaid) but I like planning things and didn't mind. Like you said, people just like to have fun and aren't too concerned about who planned what and for who etc. 

Good luck :)

Posted on October 16, 2013 at 11:50 pm
Kittywolf13
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 Uhlease, Fi and FBIL USED to be very close, but theyve grown apart as they got older. especially since their views/hobbies etc on life have differed so much. FI is a bit imature and a late bloomer, and is viewed (i feel anyways) as a burden to his family from FBIL and probably FMIL's point of view... however FFMIL are very traditional, so after we came home after our engagement (and FMIL sort of got over her anger over it... i THINK she was mad FI for stealing his brothers thunder by getting engaged, when he had no clue he was doing it.) the very first thing she mentioned was "you HAVE to formally ask your brother to be your best man." it wasnt a suggestion or a reminder... it was a demand. and i was there for it. I didnt care because FI always said his bro would be his BM but i never understood why, if they dont get a long terribly well now, why he HAD to chose him. 

So to answer your question, FI doesnt want to go/be involved because of the whole clubbing/boozing and really not knowing any of his friends (and probably is shy about strip clubs or porn shops) but would probably be a little hurt missing out on his brothers bachelors party... on the oppisite end im fairly certain (though i dont know FBIL terribly well to be honest) FBIL would not miss FI at his party. Also if mutually agreed on for time constraints i think there would be no hard feelings other then FMIL insisiting they should both be involved in each others events. (this is confusing!) when FI talked about asking a few of his gaming friends to be groomsmen, she said that he can only ask close friends to be groomsmen... its an honor only certain people could have. hence why we opted to have barely no bridal party... because all of his close friends either moved away, or are now out of our lives... and the friends in between were no real friends. 

So even if they agreed MIL would have a fit.

As for FI's bach, i just want him to have a good time and have a good experience. to me the wedding is about getting married and all the important moments, like the walk down the aisle, first dance, dance with my father etc... everything else is icing on the cake. For FI he has always invisioned this elaborate part and totally wanted the limos, and the booze, and treating the guests just so with certain appearences on TOP of all the moments. He keeps telling me he's failed me because he cant give me the wedding HE invisioned giving to his bride... even though i told him that i dont care anymore, that for me its about the moments not the party. which instead of making him feel better makes him mad, cause i keep referring to our wedding as a "party" but i really just mean the reception... So i know in his heart the bach is important to him and he will feel left out or regret he didnt have the memory... kind of how i feel pains of sadness when i think about how i wanted so bady to have an engagement party and it never happened. (well a small one that his parents threw for both us and his brother at the same time... but his brother had one just for them... i wanted to have that special party... then i thought id have a save the date party and that never happened either.) 

Im trying not to let it get to me, because well FBIL used to game and stuff, so i have a small tiny hope that he will consider his brothers likes and come up with something enjoyable for him. a part of me wants to suggest to FBIL my idea, but i feel like he would get offended (or that its too low class as i keep getting the feeling that FFIL only cares about appearences which is only heightened by FBIL's profession of being a DR and all his friends being in the same profession or similar... i literally had one conversation with a random family member of FSIL about cats at their engagement party because i had nothing of interest/value to talk about. forget the blank stares i got when i told them my current profesion... :(   ) and i should keep myself out of that. so i dunno...

Posted on October 17, 2013 at 12:14 am
MnP2013
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 Wow...

Posted on October 17, 2013 at 7:56 am
MOBRIDE72
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 I think you should let your FI handle it. Maybe it stresses you out and maybe him too but he needs to handle his brother and the whole party thing. You have to trust that he can handle it. My FI and I are doing our parties together. We are just getting together with our wedding party and friends and going out. We are renting a limo, having dinner and having a good time. I wouldn't ask friends who aren't invited to the wedding to plan a party

Posted on October 18, 2013 at 11:10 am
Eurestruly
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You're too involved in it. Let the guys work it out and just be loving to your family-in-law. No matter what you do to try to help this, you're going to look controlling and that's not good for anyone.

Your fiance can go or not to his brother's party. Let him decide and you stand behind his decision.

If your fiance wants a bachelor party, let him decide and you stand behind his decision.

 

Posted on October 18, 2013 at 6:44 pm
Uhlease
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 Great advice, ladies! :) 

It's always best to take a step back like these ladies have suggested.

Posted on October 19, 2013 at 2:56 pm
Sammy_D
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Whew, I feel for you!!

I'll take the easy one first - your FI bachelor party. Mine was the same way. He drinks socially but is not a big partier, and he doesn't have many guy friends that he hangs out with...we are such homebodies lol! So he had a bonfire at his parents farm, it was up in the far yard so anyone who wanted to drink could do so and there was room for people to camp out if they wanted, otherwise they made/brought a TON of food and invited all the guys in the family - his grandpa, uncles, cousins...I guess they all sat around the fire and drank and ate and talked. DH had a few of his friends too. It was very low-key, MIL, SIL and I all went out to dinner and a movie while the guys did their thing and we drank more than they did!

So there are no rules, you can do anything and have fun - is something like that possible for you? Plus, it was CHEAP!!!

As to the other issue, that's a toughie because he is the best man so I understand the conflict. HOWEVER - it's his brother and family needs to understand. I think your FI should get with his brother in some relaxed atmosphere and just lay it out for him in a way that doesn't sound angry, defensive or whiny. Just say, I really want to be there for you and to celebrate with you but I can't honestly manage this from a financial standpoint. It's just not feasible and I really hope you can understand why and where I'm coming from. Something like that.

And if the brother doesn't take it well...what can you do? There might be upset feelings but they are guys and will get over that...you can't go broke for a silly party. And above all do NOT let the FMIL or anyone else in the family guilt you into saying yes to something you can't afford - it's not their party or their call.

If I were you I would suggest something like this to FI but let him handle it, don't get involved and stress yourself out. Unless the money issue concerns you too, then I would give your opinion strongly but only to your FI.

Good luck!!

Posted on October 25, 2013 at 10:38 am

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