Last Name advice...

OK so I went through a bunch of old posts looking for a thread on this... but couldn't find anything.


My FI and I are at a standstill re: the last name issue.


I really don't want to change my name, he really wants me too.


We are doing our premarital counseling and it turned into a big blow up actually.


I'm trying to think of some kind of compromise, he's not into the hyphen though... But I know sometimes people keep their names "professionally". This is sort of funny since my professional life isn't exactly flourishing right now. But I'm wondering if I could keep my name on my liscense and other papers, but socially (particularly in formal settings go by his last name?)


Has anyone done this or would you know how this would work?


How did you work out the name issue, it's really bumming me out! I don't want to start off on such a bad note.


thank you... it's really hard to be fighting when I'm supposed to be planning this big wedding... yuck!

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 7:58 am
cvillebride
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polkadotties
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Awww, honey, don't be sad! I'm changing mine because I want a cool last name (Haas, how bad a** is that lol), but if I were you I'd consider maybe combining both. Sometimes women keep their maiden name and use it in place of their middle name then take their husband's last name as their new last name. So say you're Jane Doe, you could be Jane Doe Smith. That way you still have you're maiden name for professional purposes. If that makes sense?

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:02 am
d1rtymart1n1
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that's what i'm doing - 'im using my maiden name as my middle name


but if youre not legally changing your name - then you can call yourself whatever you want in social circles - stationary, greeting cards, etc...


 

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:13 am
SunsetHawaiiWeddings
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I never had a take on this until I was a single mother and not married to my sons father. My son had a different last name. Do you plan on having children? This will make a huge difference for many things if your name or your husbands name is different from your child's... A lot of hassle. In this case, add your maiden name to your middle name.


 


Other wise it's a tough choice, you may want to research the reasons people did this. Sounds like this is really important to your love. You may get to the root of this issue by finding out if this is what his family expects and he feel bad or if this is something truly important to him. Then you have a choice to make....


 


 

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:20 am
d1rtymart1n1
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great point heather!!


also i do hvae to add to the child's names...


in 1998 one of my gfs had a child with a former bf - and since she was single gave her son her last name, not the father's...


fast forward to now, she is married and has a toddler and one on the way, in addition to her firstborn.  it is b/c of this that she hasnt changed her last name - b/c her son still has hers...


they are socially known as the Maple-Cedar family, but she's not changing her last name legally so her oldest child doesnt have the "stigma"...

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:25 am
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I am keeping my last name "professionally" like you said, then will use his on stationary and in social situations. I wanted to keep my last name from the get-go but he kind of really wanted me to take his. This was our compromise - which I can always change my mind about later if I want to. But for now that's the plan, I won't be changing my DL, passport, SSC, or my two nursing licenses.


I can see how it may potentially create confusion between work and home, especially with people that don't know me yet, but we're gonna try this for now and see how it goes. 


I tried to get him to take my last name......but that wasn't going to happen!! LOL

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:26 am
cvillebride
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yup. it's totally his family.


it's huge for them, they think it's like a slight to the family (not to take the family name), but that makes it important to him too since they put so much pressure on it.


we definitely want children and they'd take my fi's name.


i guess i like the maiden to middle for that reason... that's a good suggestion. does anyone hyphenate any more? all of my friends are just keeping their names... but it's not an issue to their FI's.


so dirty are you legally changing your name to have your maiden as middle? i'd be sad to give up my middle name since i go by my first and middle name together... maybe i can have 4 names?


thank you!

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:27 am
d1rtymart1n1
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i thought about keeping my maiden name professionally - but with traveling etc.. i just dont want to get jammed up that way - and most colleagues know i'm getting married anyway - they'll just have to deal...


now dealing with my brokers license etc - whole nother story!


but from what i've heard from recent brides - changing names isnt as tedious as we think it is...


 

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:29 am
TheChicBride
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I have been married for almost 6 years. I never changed my name even though he wanted me too.


We have a child and she has DH's last name. We have never had a problem. Everyone refers to us socially and professionally and The Green-Blue family.


 

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:30 am
cvillebride
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Jessie! thank you so much. that's what I want to do.


and yes later I can change to his fully, if it feels more natural, but it just seems to sudden to me to up and change my dear little name! ha. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this decision.


I wish you knew how it worked a year from now.


So keep it on all the documents but socially it's his last name.


So will you introduce yourself as First name, Fi's last in social situations? I guess so. What about for people that already know you as your name now? like your friends? what will you tell them?


I'm so curious as to how this will work.


 

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:33 am
d1rtymart1n1
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dude!  being filipino, i have 4 names...


maria lourdes - my middle name is my mother's maiden name - and then my last name


so i'm going to keep maria lourdes (it's my complete first name) then keep my last name as my middle name and then take fh's last name as mine...


whew!


for our kids, we're doing the same - my maiden name will be their middle names - so i'm burdening my kids with 4 names as well!


Cara Maria - my maiden name for her midle name - then our last name


Xavier Roman - my maiden name for his middle name - then our last name

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:34 am
SunsetHawaiiWeddings
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You can have 4 names. 


 


I would be patient with him as sounds like it's an issue of guilt from his family. I would tell him you changed your mind because of the children and that it is important that you both resolve the issue of him trying to please his family when it comes to your own new family choice. This issue will always be there in about every choice and especially when you have children. Having this opportunity to face this deep issue before you marry is a blessing.


 


In Hawaii you can legally change your middle and last name on the marriage certificate which you turn in an official copy of to the Social Security office to make the appropriate changes, then you have to take the SS card with your married name and your marriage license and birth certificate to get your drivers license or State Id changed. Then you have to photo copy these documents to change your records with your bank and so forth....


 


Not something you want to deal with later, trust me.


 


I am glad you are aware if his family pressures, this will appease them for now, but be forewarned, they are going to try and persuade him on many decisions in your marriage. I hope he learns to stand up for the decisions you make as man and wife together and not be quilted into making decisions they want...

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:39 am
jessiepilot
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I'm still figuring out how exactly it will work too! I think socially I will probably use my name and his last, for people that already know me I've pretty much told them what the plan is already - the older women in my life tell me to just take his and my freinds my age love the idea and none have seen anything wrong with it.


I guess my plan is to figure it out as I go and if I don't like it, I'll change to his name later! At least it's one less thing I need to feel stressed about doing right now!!

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:40 am
cvillebride
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Thank you Jessie and Sunset.


Sunset you are so right and helpful about the family thing, for the most part we are good at working out their values vs. our values, but sometimes something blurs the line and this is one of those. their values became his values which aren't my values (or rather my values are in opposition to both of his and theirs!) anyway...


Jessie, what are you doing about the marriage liscense.


I think I'll try to put all 4 names on it. have the bases covered!


thank you all again. so helpful!


 

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 8:49 am
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Have fun!!!


I am always reminding myself I knew my love was who he is when I married him and I chose this... Not in a bad way, I am so in love, just in they ways we do not agree or he is amazing cook and leaves me with the clean up most of the time... ( I would never make the same kind of mess cooking ) Ah but I knew this as I married him and I accepted all for our love to be together. Patience with these issues is key to a happy marriage I believe.

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 10:10 am
caribear
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It's funny that you posted this because I was thinking the other day that there hadn't been any posts about this.


I have a nice long 10-letter German last name.  I have always looked forward to getting married so that I can get rid of it.  In the last year I have lost both my grandpa & grandma with this last name.  After losing my grandpa I was on the fence about giving up my last name.  My grandma told me that he always wanted to take her name because it was so much easier (her maiden name was King).  When she told me this I felt better about giving up my name.   But alas, when push came to shove I started to have a really hard time.  I have always been proud to be who I am and changing my name felt like it was taking some of that away from me (my last name is so unique that only my family has it). 


Once we were married and I got the marriage certificate I went to SS to change my name and decided to make my maiden name one of my middle names (Cari Beth MaidenName MarriedName).  I didn't want to hyphenate it because it would make it way too long.  When I told DH (which I thought he already knew, but because I had changed my mind so many times he wasn't sure) he was a little upset.  He thought I should take his last name and drop my maiden name altogether (he is very traditional).  I don't plan on using my maiden name EVER, I did it for me.  Legally since I only have it as a middle name I don't have to use it. 


I did think about continuing to use my maiden name for professional purposes, because everybody knows  my last name, but I realized that in the long run I do want to be my married name and I have waited to have this last name for many years.  If DH & I had been married 3 years ago my maiden name would be gone with the wind, but now I am kinda in love with it again. :) Follow what is in your heart and also try to compromise.  But don't lose yourself by giving in completely.  My DH was bothered by it for a while, but he has gotten better about it now.  Does he understand my side of it, probably not still, but he does finally get that it is important to me.


Good luck! 

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 11:55 am
caribear
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P.S. D1rty~Someone recommended to me that I give my kids my maiden name as a middle name.... But I CAN NOT do that to them. :)

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 11:56 am
cvillebride
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thanks caribear...


i think that's what i'll do too. just not lose my maiden name altogether, so it'll still be apart of me. it's really unique as well... and really long and well i love it because it's mine and it's just always been that way.


so is that what you put on your marriage certificate? is that what offically decides how your name is changed?


i just told FI that and i think he's into it.


it's like we're both happy, becauase i still have my name and he can tell his family i'm taking his... and then i guess we'll just kind of work out the specifics... do you have all 4  names on your checks? liscense that sort of thing? as well as your social security card? i'm not sure how it works legally, like if i get a check to "orange green", will i be able to cash it if i'm "orange blue green"?


our premarriage counselor will be so proud! we came to a compromise thanks to project wedding...

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 1:33 pm
caribear
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cvillebride~ My SS card and DL have all 4 names (DH calls me Quad:)... I tell him I take it as a term of endearment).  Everywhere else will just have Cari B LastName.  I worked at a bank for a long time and this is acceptable.  However, if you are going to be getting checks in your maiden name often I would have your maiden name on your account, that doesn't mean it has to be on your checks or ATM/Debit card.  If you don't put your maiden name on your acct and you get checks in that name you will probably have to show your ID each time.  For your example of "Orange Green"... It's just like today, do all of your checks come with your middle name on it?  As long as they know that you are the rightful payee and it can be determined by your ID or name on the account it will be fine.


The marriage certificate in CA doesn't require you to decide how your new name will be.  When I went to the SS office I told them what I wanted and they told me to put my 2 "middle names" in the middle name box.  Technically, once you have your marriage certificate you can kinda do what you want (as long as it is a name on the certificate).


Let me tell you, it is bizarre when you start to get mail, credit cards, etc in your new name.  But I love it!!


Let me know if you have other questions.

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 2:32 pm
cvillebride
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thank you so much caribear!


you are so helpful... that makes sense about the checks... gotta keep my eye on the bottom line! ha.


and it's good to know that the marriage liscense isn't the be all and end all of name changes, since there is so much family pressure over that...


 

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Sarahinwonderland
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I wanted to do the same thing, but I realized I was being selfish. Why get married if you are not willing to become his family. And his last name is HAMBERGER! We discussed it and I know if I didnt change it, it would be an issue forever.


Is his discomfort really worth keeping your name? For me it wasnt, he is sacrificing for me and I need to for him. But everyone is different.

Posted on July 5, 2008 at 3:28 pm
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