Let's talk about prenups!

What do you think about them??


Its not an issue for me and FI since I think we'll make more or less the same amount of $ by the time we get married....but we've talked about it in general and I got the vibe that if he DID have a lot of assets or whatever, I think he would want me to.  There are times I felt that I wouldn't care because I've heard of so many men who lose so much because of a failed marriage and I could understand men being cautious (especially my FI who was married before)....BUT most other times I think I would be very offended and very hurt.  And you're starting your marriage by preparing for its end.  I think I would rather marry someone poor than have to sign one of those.


What do you all think?

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 1:12 pm
prbetsi75
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(25) Comments

beatie
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I think if two people feel it's necessary, then go for it.  For me personally, though, I feel like by getting one, you're admitting that there is a possibility that the marriage may not work out.  For me, the marriage now working out is not an option.  FI and I come from a total of 78 years of marriage between both our parents and the only reason any of our grandparents were separated was due to death.  Divorce ain't an option! :)  So we're not doing one.  Also, a prenup is like you're protecting yourself, not being totally vulnerable...which is what you're supposed to be with your spouse.  Open, vulnerable, wtih no walls...maybe I'm naive or stupid for thinking this way but I think you need to make sure you really know who you are marrying and trust that it will last.  And accept any risks that come along with such a major decision.

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 1:17 pm
prbetsi75
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prbetsi75

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"Also, a prenup is like you're protecting yourself, not being totally vulnerable...which is what you're supposed to be with your spouse.  Open, vulnerable, wtih no walls"


That's so true...I hadn't thought of it that way.  Very very true.

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 1:20 pm
jharks
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I think if one, or both, of you have kids, then a prenup is a really good idea. You want to make sure your kids are going to be taken care of before your spouse, should you guys break up. That is my thought. Also, I think if one of you has a large family inheritance that you know is coming, then it makes sense. There are ways to structure it so that after a certain number of years, the restrictions on the prenup lessen, for example, after a certain number of years, you guys shares your assets more jointly.

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 1:23 pm
WMforever
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WMforever

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oh my goodness, i was just thinking about posting about pre-nups! its a little scary for me and i'm really relieved that my fiance hasn't mentioned one. the only reason i'm happy is because, like you said, it makes divorce and option, and thats not an option our case. we're in it forever through thick and thin. many people may disagree and think i'm being naive but so what, its how we feel and its what we're going to do.

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 1:34 pm
jackieg
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jackieg

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a male friend of mine who has a kid is wanting one, because he was completely scr*wed by his ex-wife....he just wants to protect him and his daughter...and the new girlfriend is totally offended that he would even suggest it....i think that says a lot about her....given the situation....he already lost a ton in a messy divorce...he's only trying to do right by his daughter...

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 1:37 pm
prbetsi75
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You can't really blame the new girlfriend too much for being offended.  Its a very touchy subject.  I certainly wouldn't judge her because she's hurt by that. 

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 1:48 pm
jharks
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I think it totally says something about her! She should understand that he needs to protect his kids! Plus, if she is only his girlfriend, what right does she have to be annoyed? It isn't about her, it is about his kids and his past experiences.

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 1:50 pm
WMforever
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i think what it says about her is that she probably is really romantic and old fashioned in that sense! i dont know her but i know thats where i'd be coming from. but then again, since i dont know her, she could totally be a gold digger.

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 1:53 pm
ambersmith59
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I don't know many couples that got married and planned on getting divorced, but I do know a few couples who planned on happily ever after only to seperate before "death do us part".


Worst case scenario I'd be happy we were prepared, best case it's just a piece of paper with some ink.

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 2:10 pm
jackieg
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i'm with jharkins on this one...i know you guys don't know all the details...its a long story...but this new girlfriend also has a kid, and she's been burned too....so to me, she of all people should know what it feels like to want to protect your own kid above all else...they are actually going to counseling now...slowing things down, he bought her a ring and was going to give it to her on mother's day...but then changed his mind....not just because of the prenup...but because of some of their other issues...

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 2:23 pm
prbetsi75
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prbetsi75

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Amber, well said!  I can definitely see both sides of this issue, which is why I go back and forth on it...On the one side, it seems like just a piece of paper - a cautionary measure in case life as you imagined is not life as it turns out.  But on the other side I know I would be filled with complete and extreme sadness at the thought of  signing that "just a piece of paper".  But who knows, maybe I'd get over it!  lol

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 2:28 pm
WMforever
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true. i guess i feel lucky that we're both poor and got nothin to lose! lol.

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 2:30 pm
prbetsi75
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ahh well....that changes things a bit.  She has a child herself...and there are other issues with these two.


BTW, tell your friend that he should never give an e-ring on a b-day, or mother's day or as a "gift" on a holiday because legally the woman doesn't have to give it back should they break off the engagement!    Learned that on Judge Judy :o>~

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 2:33 pm
beautifulpwwedding
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beautifulpwwedding

Comment has been removed by Project Wedding due to a violation of our Terms of Use
Posted on July 9, 2008 at 3:15 pm
ialagic
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ialagic

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i always thought i would get one ... it seemed "rational " ... but now that I'm actually engaged to the person i want to spend the rest of my life with , its a completely different story - i can't even imagine having the conversation . its a very personal thing though - i can see how someone else could feel differently - for me, like a lot of other ladies said ,i really want to believe in "for better or worse " ... if you do too much hedging, is it really a true commitment?


 

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Sarahinwonderland
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Sarahinwonderland

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Ok well when my uncle and my aunt were married he made her sign one and they were divorced, she left him taking enough money to live 3 lives though (with the pre-nup) Thank goodness they had that paper! Watching their relationship I have learned that it is nothing personal, it is like buying marriage insurance. I also think it is better because then you can be sure he or she is not marrying you for the money. I dont really take them personally because they shouldnt be treated like that at all.


 


And to add to it, a couple grows through marriage. Sometimes they grow apart and develope bad habbits. Divorce it not an option for me so I will not be signing one, but if I were to this is how I would look at it.

Posted on July 9, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Eugugoly82
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"but I want to be that couple that stays together forever.  The couple you see at 80 years old still holding hands walking down the street...and wearing matching track suits!?!  HA HA HA! I want that to be us!"


I agree with Kohler and Beatie....while Im sure that in some peoples lives the word divorce has effected them to the extreme.  I myself could not go into a marriage, with a thought that it could end.  Like Kohler said, I want to be that 80 yr old couple too.  A prenup isn't even on either of our minds.  A good friend of ours is dealing with the aftermath of a messy divorce right now, and just seeing what he is going through breaks my heart.  (How does one cheat on their husband, and then take them for all theyre worth???)  I just know that I could never do that to anyone and my FI has nothing to worry about.

Posted on July 10, 2008 at 1:24 am
theDame
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There was a thread about this a short time ago and I'll say what i said then (more or less!)


 


As someone with a career who owns property:  I always thought I would insist. In fact, before I learned how much greater my FI's assets were than mine, I brought it up (in theory as we were not yet engaged). And we both happily said we'd sign one.


 


After we got engaged, I changed my mind, not completely but it began to bother me.


I let him know- quite emotionally, I might add!-  and then weeks or months later when we began to plan I said  " well then we should be thinking about a pre-nup"  and  he responded  "maybe we don't need one".  It's never been discussed since.


 


I know a few millionaires who married after the money was accumulated and none of them have a pre-nup. One of them once said to me, when I told him he was NUTS-   " I want it to be messy if we ever get a divorce. I don't want it to be easy, it shouldn't be"  and btw he's the one with all the money. 


 


 

Posted on July 10, 2008 at 3:34 am
Chica
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Kohler .... you want to wear matching track suits!!! haha You're so cute!


Both FI and I own property and we've never considered a prenup.  He is the only living person on his mom's side and has an inheritance and when my son was born, he was added to it as well. And that is all that really matters, if anything should happen, I just want to make sure that my son is protected.


I don't think that a prenup is a bad thing, and I would probably consider it, if I had kids from a previous relationship or if I was marrying someone like Kobe Bryant!! haha.

Posted on July 10, 2008 at 6:03 am
beatie
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well said, Dame!  divorce IS very messy and SHOULD be messy.  it makes it a less attractive of an option and people are more likely to try to avoid it.  if you have a pre-nup, it makes things too neat, clean, and easy to get out.  "in it to win it" I say! :)

Posted on July 10, 2008 at 7:05 am
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