Marriage and Divorce

I heard that half of all marriages end in divorce. This worries me...

What are the causes of friction? How can they be prevented or alleviated?

Making a promise to honor each other on a daily basis for the rest of our lives is probably the biggest promise I will ever make. How can we make sure we live up to that promise?
Posted on March 11, 2007 at 5:53 pm
Bonnie
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05/20/2008
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(21) Comments

margaret
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09/22/2007
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I think the main thing is communication and mutual respect.

For us, communication is the most difficult because we have very different personalities. I tend to worry a lot about thing while Joe is pretty content 24/7. I like to talk about my feelings and emotions and while Joe doesn't mind talking about it, he never initiates the conversation. =) Sometimes I have to interrogate him to find out how his day went!

Relationships, and especially marriage, take a lot of work and is something that needs constant attention. It will be hard at times, but as long as you love and respect each other things will work out.
Posted on March 13, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Kristen
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08/22/2009
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Oh yeah, communication and understanding is key. But sometimes it's really hard to balance the 'we' and 'me' (the 'me' especially since sadly, a lot of people our age (mid 20s) and younger have been taught to focus on themselves). And sometimes it's hard because things change and hopefully you can grow together, not apart. It's tough though, I mean, 3 of my friends (mid-20s) have divorced recently, but I think it's because their situations were harder than most people (2 were cops, the other's husband was in the military).
Posted on March 16, 2007 at 5:53 am
joe
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Definitely communication is the most important thing. I'm a very quiet person by nature so it's something I've been working on. I tend to keep a lot of things to myself (both good and bad) which is why Margaret has to interrogate me. I would be a good spy. I'm learning to talk about things more and I've even started to use some of Margaret's interrogation techniques on her.
Posted on March 16, 2007 at 7:09 am
kellyk
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03/07/2007
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Mid-20s and already divorced? Does that happen very often? I know a lot of people who are mid-20s and are still looking for a gf/bf.

I've met one person in her late 20s that was divorced. I didn't ask her about what happened because it seemed personal. She just said she got married way too young and it was a big mistake.
Posted on March 17, 2007 at 9:18 am
Kristen
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08/22/2009
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I didn't think it happened very often, but I did read an article on MSN about how it's becoming a growing trend. I think in part because of the selfish stereotype, but also maybe because there's an emphasis on finding the perfect person that all the romantic comedies have made us believe in. I don't know, it really is hard to tell. Of the people I knew, one got married to fix their already existing problems (bad idea), another got married before even knowing the person for a full year, and the third's husband cheated on her and they really spent more time apart than together during their marriage of 6 years.
Posted on March 17, 2007 at 7:19 pm
d1rtymart1n1
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12/04/2009
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new thoughhts on this???

Posted on August 28, 2008 at 7:43 pm
AMiller
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09/13/2008
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I think money issues, communication, and lack of trust are main reasons people get divorced. I think a lot of people get married too young when they haven't gotten their shit together yet and it strains your relationship. Plus who you are when you are twenty is rarely the person you are when you are twenty-five. Some people just grow apart and want different things. The qualities you want in a person chance when you start a career, buy a home, think about having children.

Posted on August 28, 2008 at 11:08 pm
married2mrwright
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09/29/2007
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KellyK--


Um yes, you can be divorced in your mid-20's.  But I suspect that you're in your mid-20's and therefore, I totally understand your shock at it.  When I was 23 I was married and felt the same way.  "It's not gonna happen to me.  We've been together for 4 years already and I KNOW what I am doing!"  Well...at 27 I left him and filed for divorce.  So yeah, it can and it does happen.  I can count on both hands my friends and famiy members who were all divorced BEFORE the age of 28.


 


Anway...I think the reasons for divorce are as varied as the people who go through them.  That said, as soon as one partner feels utter contempt for the other, it's over.  Contempt is the opposite of respect.  I feel that respect is key to a successful marriage.  The feeling of love will wax and wane but you can always have respect for your spouse.  if you speak to your partner in a way that you never would address your best friends, then you need to check yourself.  If your partner is the last consideration in a decision, that's a warning sign too.  If you have a list of deal-breakers that is longer than your list of deal-makers, then you are not ready to be married.


 

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 1:21 am
lipia3
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10/11/2008
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In my family's case, I am out to prove a point........every single member (other than my paternal grandparents) has been divorced.  I am hell bent on being the first one in the family who will not end up divorced.

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 2:34 am
theDame
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01/01/2008
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no one in my family is divorced-  not a 1. My sister's husband was divorced before they married and my cousin married a woman who had been divorced, as well. I used to joke:  " the divorced people had to marry into my family"


Most of my friends and are in their 30s and early 40s-  I still have friends in that age range who are not married and I have friends who have been now married for years. I don't think people should be married before the age of 30.  Marriage is a challenge and I know I most certainly would be divorced NOW if I had married when I was in my 20s....


 

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 2:37 am
prbetsi75
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The biggest divorce in my family has been my parents who divorced after 29 years of marriage - this was about 5 years ago.  Turned my world upside down.   Made me question everything I believed in and strained my relationship with my father, who I used to idolize, indefinitely.


My father always respected mother....he just didn't love her. 


Aside from the ones alredy mentioned.  I think a major reason people get divorced is when one person take the other for granted. 

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 3:07 am
txbride08
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09/13/2008
txbride08

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I have been told from lots of couples who are young and old that communication is everything...meaning he has to talk to me and I have to learn to understand him better. Also along with communication is the money factor - usually someone is not telling the other how the money is being handled...communication. We had to go through a marriage counseling course to be married at his church and they said that since we have already openly discussed big issues like who will handle the finances, how many kids if any at all do each want, and our personal goals that we are going to be okay. And also it helps that both of us rely on faith in our religion.

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 3:14 am
AshleyP
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11/01/2009
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I'm in my early 20's and I know alot of people have a stigma about getting married so young. It's not a religous thing both my FI and I are atheists and we live together. He is 6 years older than me as well. I find it interesting that older generations got married younger. My mom got married when she was 23 and that was considered really old and my grandma also by the time she was 22 both have been married and not divorced.


I do find it interesting that the divorce rate is higher and higher and more people are gettig married later and later. People waiting not only after college, but after grad-school etc etc.


I will say, in my opinion, that the plus side of getting married in my early 20's is that I'm growing, maturing with another person. If I were to get married later I feel that sometimes people are so set in the habitual ways it's harder to coincide.


Those are my 2 cents.

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 3:34 am
erindira
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01/30/2013
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I feel compelled to say something about half of marriages ending in divorce, because it's a common "statistic" that gets thrown out there, and I believe it's a bit misleading. I'm no expert on the matter, but I did research as an undergrad regarding divorce, and what I read led me to believe there's not a lot of stock in the 50% statistic. First, my understanding of that statistic is that approximately 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That doesn't mean your marriage itself has a 50% chance of failure. I actually believe it's more like 80% of first marriages last, and that percentage drops dramatically with each marriage thereafter. I also know the chances of a marriage lasting increase with age and length of time you date someone before getting married, and decrease if the marriage is for the "wrong reasons" - pregnancy, etc. Your chances of getting a divorce increase if divorce is common in your family, and decrease if you come from a background where divorce is regarded as "wrong" or a "sin."


Bottom line - there are soo many factors that make your marriage more or less likely to "fail." The 50% statistic is driven up by the proliference of multiple marriages, etc., and does not mean you have a 1 in 2 chance of making it. And when it comes down to it, these statistics are meaningless. I know couples who've divorced even though they got married in their late 20's after dating five years and no one in their entire family had ever been divorced. I know couples who've stayed married after a short dating period (example: my parents have been married 35 years after they dated for 2 weeks before their wedding). Ignore the stats, and focus on your marriage, using all the great advice the PW ladies give.


Wishing all you ladies wonderful weddings, and more importantly, loving, and long-lasting, marriages.

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 4:26 am
kpn
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06/13/2009
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I'd have to say this (from personal experience). 


1.  Communication


2.

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 6:31 am
kpn
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06/13/2009
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I'd have to say this (from personal experience). 


1.  Communication


2.  Being IN love rather than loving that person


3.  Money


I have a family situation that is going to be devistating by the time we understand what's going on.  I have a SIL who tells my I love your brother but....and I have a brother that is full of embarassment and riddle with childhood problems.  Getting married out of convenience is not the way to go, getting married b/c one may want a child is not the way to go.    So many marriages are filled with, unsatisifed customers, cheating spouses, money issues, kid issues, self issues - and these are things that are just swept under the rug.  no communication what so ever.  I tell my FI - listen..just be sure we always talk to each other.   I've come from a divorced family at the age of 12 - and not a health family at that (growing up seeing the things we have seen - it is no wonder that my brothers are so messed up). 


It comes down to:


1. talking to each other, even if it means feeling uncomfortable or having a shouting match and not fully agreeing with each other, but at least its out on the table.


2. fully loving someone with all your heart and stepping back and remembering why you married this person and finding those qualities again (because sometimes they might disappear and just need to be found again).


3. not biting off more than you can chew.  If you want that beautiful house and KNOW you can't afford it?? DON't BUY it!!! Money is the root of all evil - I swear to buddha - it tears up alot of friendships, family,marriages.  Keep yourselves in check with spending and knowing what can be bought and what can't.


(wheww - that was longwinded sorry- just the whole bro/SIL situation is on my mind)

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 6:31 am
INSUREGRL
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11/01/2008
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Are any of you taking pre-marital classes or counseling? This is what our therapist told us are the most common issues amongest married couples. He has truly been helpful. It was really important for both of us to seek guidance as we come from divorced families. I want to us to break that curse, as everyone in our family either has been divorced once, or is in a bad marriage. No one is happy, and it's heartbreaking. Anyhow, these topics are things that will help you understand each other. Another good book to read is "Every man's marriage" (for him) and "every woman's marriage" for us.  Another really good book is "The 5 love languages" if you don't have it already


 


These are not in order of importance...


1) Orderly


2) Social


3) Spritual Leadership


4) In-Laws


5)PORN


6) Friends with opposite sex


7) Sex


8) Money


9)Routine


10) On-time


11) 5 Love Languages - Words of affirmation, gifts, service, touch, and quality time


12) communication


 

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 6:59 am
kells76
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10/04/2008
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I'd have to agree with communication and surprisingly Fi is so much better at it than me.  Which is why we work.  He knows how to fight with me the right way and I don't think anyone has ever gotten that until now.


I think (for us anyway), the reason I knew we can do this, is we have been through things that most married couples take a decade to go through.  Sometimes you have to go through some very hard times to realize it's really right. 


That's just us though.

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 1:27 pm
Sarahinwonderland
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Sarahinwonderland

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I think it is very scary also. I think the biggest thing is that you have to wake up every moring and chose to love you husband no matter what. It is definitely a choice because once the "FEELINGS" go away you have to be confident that you love them for them. Not how they made you feel.

Posted on August 29, 2008 at 2:47 pm
INSUREGRL
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the pastor marrying us reccomended this. Write down all the things you love about your spouse and why you are marrying them. (we're not showing it to each other, and on our wedding day, he is going to read them a loud in his sermon) And then we are going to keep them safe for years to come, and when things ever get rough throughout our marriage, he said to go back to those and read them together. He said that he and his wife did that, and it always saves face in the end. They have been married for 56 years!

Posted on September 2, 2008 at 8:41 am
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