MIL Makes Me Want To Cry

I am a good person -- I mean I definitely have my b**** moments but all in all, I'm a good person.  I make DH more than happy.  Taking care of the other person is completely mutual -- we laugh together, sometimes cry together, we share everything.  We are each other's support system.  We try to include our family -- my family hasn't missed a stride since John and I got married.  They still love him completely and have welcomed him as if he were actually part of the family.  We try with his family but I am not comfortable there at all.  Not even in the least.  I clam up and don't talk .... any more.  It didn't use to be this way.  Everything use to be just peachy and fun and comfortable and I thought for sure I was going to be one of those lucky girls with an amazing MIL.  I was SO off base.  Once we became engaged, she pulled away completely.  I have some theories but at this point, honestly, they just don't make me feel any better about the situation.  I do things seeking her approval and hoping to get the feeling from her that i am good enough.  It hasn't happened.  She compares me to BIL's gf (of 8 years and they still aren't even close to being engaged) and acts like this girl is the best thing since sliced bread.  It just hurts my feelings because I'm supposed to be close with her, not this other girl who isn't even part of the family.  I really made an effort to invite her to do wedding things -- dress shopping, DIY projects, dress shopping for her, bm dress shopping...she never went.  And ok, i know not everyone likes DIY/craft projects, but at least come hang out.  I tried to set up times to go look for a dress for her just because I wanted to be a part of it and she didn't take me.  I know I need to let go of this stuff except I can't because I. MADE. The. EFFORT.  She is telling DH that I didn't include her in the wedding and I that I don't include her in our life.  This is B.S. 100%.  DH has told me that if it comes down to it, he chooses me.  But I don't WANT that.  I don't want him to feel like he has to choose EVER.  It just makes me so sad that we make each other happy and she can't/won't see that or be happy for us.  I mean I am to the point right now that I don't want kids because I know she'll back track to being great again.  ugh sorry to vent, I'm just sad about it tonight =(

Posted on June 29, 2010 at 3:27 pm
JohnsGirl0310
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(10) Comments

Kaytana17
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I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You say you've stopped looking for her approval - but it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like the more you try the more your MIL takes pleasure in rubbing it in your face that she's close to your BIL's gf. She takes pleasure in watching you squirm. I say stop trying to please her. Stop trying to get her approvaal. You don't need it. You have your DH. As long as DH is by your side and supporting YOU then that's all you need. *HUGS*

Posted on June 29, 2010 at 5:49 pm
JohnsGirl0310
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Thanks Kaytana -- I hate that I care at all.  I don't want to but I guess it's all so new and I want it to be great, that I can't help but care.  Even if I don't try, I'm still going to care.  I don't know how to make that feeling stop =/  thanks for the hugs and support girl

Posted on June 30, 2010 at 2:35 am
Claire27
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*HUGS*  I think Kaytana said it best - keep your chin up and I hope that it gets easier to deal with her =/

Posted on June 30, 2010 at 4:39 am
Kaytana17
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I know it's not easy to stop caring just b/c you want to. Is it possible to keep or maintain a distance? Have you spoken with your husband about how you're feeling? I think your DH is your biggest advocate and supporter in a situation like this - maybe he can give you some insight on the situation.


And just out of curiosity - is your DH the first son to get married? If he is - that explains it ALL!


If all else fails - act like a petulant teenager when you go for family events that involve her. Behave like a moody and sulky teenager. I swear it works for me..lmao...I refuse to speak to my FMIL on purpose....after 8 years I've had it w/her!

Posted on June 30, 2010 at 4:53 am
JohnsGirl0310
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lol yes I have tried not talking -- I don't sulk I just don't contribute at this point.  I try not to eat over there either, I always get sick after eating there.


To answer your question, he is the first to get married.  I know that should say a lot but it doesn't make sense to me.  At least I know if we have a son, that I will be an AMAZING MIL to his wife because I refuse to let anyone feel the way she makes me feel


I don't know how to tell John about how I'm feeling without making me sound like a brat or like I'm just bashing his mom.  The family is kinda close but not in the happy lovey cozy normal family kind of way.  His parents alienated all their other family members so it's just the 4 of them and DH/BIL's friends. And they rely so heavily on DH for EVERYTHING.  I mean MIL calls him to talk with him about HER credit card debt, bills etc that don't have anything to do with him.  It borderlines creepy!  I just don't think he WANTS to see it.  I think he wants to believe that she likes me as much as bil's gf and that everything will be peachy.  We don't go over there very often, so maintaining distance is pretty easy. 

Posted on June 30, 2010 at 5:26 am
ChrisNScott
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Have you ever sat and had a heart to heart with her?  If you don't tell her how you feel and how her actions are affecting you, she might not ever know it.


HUGS - At least then it will be out in the open and you will have no more questions or doubts.

Posted on June 30, 2010 at 5:48 am
akbridehi
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Ugh, I'm so sorry you are going through this!  You need to talk with DH about this, just try not to sound like you're attacking his family.  Maybe just let him know that you've been feeling uncomfortable around his family lately, like maybe that his Mom is upset with you about something.  Then he can snoop around and try to see what her deal is, but I am pretty sure she is just being a crazy Mom who is upset about 'losing' her baby boy.  She needs to just get over it.  Try not to let this hurt you, but I totally understand how you feel. You can't just ditch out on going to his families every time he goes over there, but it's so uncomfortable while you're there you'd prefer to just pull your own hair out.  I know...  :)


Just remember that there is nothing wrong with you.  His Mom is going through a moment in life that she is having a hard time handling.  Do your best to handle her and hopefully she will realize how ridiculous she is being and will move on, especially before grandkids. 


So sorry hun!

Posted on June 30, 2010 at 1:48 pm
jenniferdavid913
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*hugs* i'm sorry youre going thru all that!! i totally feel for you. its really hard to NOT care and feel the way you feel because we are made that way. i was going thru that same thing when FI and i got engaged. FMIL used to love me and always talk to me and all that stuff. she would go and pull me and show me stuff about how she would like this and that for our wedding when that day comes... and buy a house.. all that great stuff. made it sound like to me that i had the big approval stamp. but after we had announced our engagement, the look on her face, it was like... emotionless. she didnt even seem excited or anything! she just said "huh, what? oh." and thats it!? didnt hear a squeal or "i'm happy for you guys" or anything like that. i was quite disappointed.


then after, when she'd come over to our house, she would nit pick at every little thing about our house. like i should do this or why did you do that to your house. or she'll tell me how i should feed my FI how to cook for him and everything!! then she would go in my kitchen and re-arrange things in there, go out to the yard and start gardening, eVERYTHING!! and she would complain say how come i dont do this stuff. im like?? im so freaking busy i'll get around to that! ugh. she even called me one day asking me about my bbq i had planned to do for FSIL's bday and asked me why am i going to do the korean bbq beef cause it was nasty last time... wtf?! uhm.. your own daughter ASKED for it.... =T then she goes into lecturing me telling me what to do and stuff, like she's talking down on me.


so at that point i felt like you, that she didnt like me. i didnt know what was going on. and she would point me out why am i so fat nowadays? wthe?! okay.... everything that came out of her mouth was a negative to me. so i figure that she is mad at me for stealing her son from her.... i would tell fi about how im feeling and the things she says to me and he understood but he just kept telling me "thats just how my mom is. she says the same thing to me" BUT STILL. she's trying to break me down!!! lol.


but anyway, later on.... she calls me out of the blue because she couldnt reach fi.... and tells me how she was grocery shopping and wanted us to come over to auntie's house for tacos.. then she went into how she was at the auntie's house, just chit chatting with them. i dono what they were talking about but drama i guess. she tells me how she was telling everyone that she is really lucky to have me and that i'll be marrying her son and that shes very happy. :) i thought that was really sweet! and she said that i am good to her son and stuff and saying how the other aunties love me... and she started laughing.


soooooo my point is... i THINK that for moms, its REALLY hard for them to "adjust" in these situations where they, being the son's mom, are so used to be the ones taking care of their son that they didn't know how to cope! because she did the same thing for her first son when he got married... she didnt seem right and she looked unhappy. i honestly do think that what ever she says or dont do, is not intentionally, trying to hurt you or break you down. it's their own self security and making sure that their son is ALRIGHT without their own mom. ya know? i dont know. that's just how i feel now with the whole situation. i'm sure that your FMIL still loves you the same as she did before the engagement. she was only stressing about her little birdie leaving the nest. :) i hope i was able to give you good advice?

Posted on July 1, 2010 at 4:38 am
vintageb
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I agree, she is probably acting crazy because she thinks she is loosing her baby, especially if he helps her so much and she is alientated from the rest of her family. It sounds like she was nice to you pre engagement-when you weren't a percieved threat. She'll probably turn on BIL GF to if they get engaged!!


I know none of this probably makes it any easier, and behaving like she is is bound to put a strain on her Sons relationship with her, weather or not you really try to influence it. I havent a clue how you make a crazy MIL relax and realise he's still her son. Empathy and communication I suppose would be the only way forward to improve your relationship. Although personally I'd probably want to poke her in the eye with a sharp stick as I probably wouldnt be emotionally mature enough to respond in a positive vein.. Good luck with the old waggon. :)

Posted on July 4, 2010 at 1:03 am
Starsong
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I totally agree with the other ladies...most FMIL's go off the deep end when their only son gets engaged/married...mostly because they are not the #1 woman in their life anymore.  I am getting that feeling with FMIL too.  Luckily they live in a different state so I don't see them, but as soon as I move in with FI...they will be an hour away :(((( Not looking forward to family dinners....


I'm so sorry that you are going thru this.  I also agree to maybe step away from the whole situation and see what transpires, as difficult as that may be. *HUGS*

Posted on July 4, 2010 at 8:36 pm

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