Need some advice please!

Hi ladies,

I really really could use some advice right now. I am at the end of my rope with this situation and honestly I don't know how to fix it. If things continue on the way that they have been I am never going to have a wedding. Ever.

We were in a little bit of a tough situation for awhile due to Hurricane Sandy but finally that is all behind us. We bought a house this summer. (Yay!) We are finally all settled and now is the time to actually get cracking with planning the wedding. And now that everything else has been taken care of financially (like replacing two vehicles, furniture, etc.) we are able to put money towards the wedding each week.

We had planned on booking a venue last month but it didn't happen. The reason is that we are basically financially supporting my in-laws and financially helping FH's siblings as well. FH's parents can barely afford to pay their bills each month and if something comes up then they are screwed. They call us because they don't have any money, don't have gas, no food, the electric is about to be turned off, etc. Last week we gave them $400. The week before that we bought them $200 in groceries, gave them $100 for gas and gave his sister $350 for her utilities or they would be shut off.

We are paying our own bills but that extra money should be going for the wedding and building up our savings again which is down to nothing really from just buying the house and giving away money every month.

I don't know how to deal with this situation. And I can understand how my FH feels too. How does he say no when his parents have no food? Or no money? We are not going to be able to have a wedding until something changes and I don't expect that it will.

What should I do?

Posted on August 2, 2014 at 4:10 pm
halloweeniegirl
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(19) Comments

halloweeniegirl
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And I'm also worried that spending money on wedding things and not giving it to them when they are struggling so much is going to be very uncomfortable.  

Posted on August 2, 2014 at 4:14 pm
krosa
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09/16/2012
krosa

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 are his parents and siblings getting any financial aid from the government?  they may hate signing up, but that is what welfare etc is for.  and if their financial situation improves they can just get off of it.  if they can qualify, then at least you know they will have help with their food and maybe some other bills.

i understand the pull to help out family, but you have to make the two of you a priority too.  i wouldn't recommend using all your extra money every month to help them out.  you need to have savings.  if something happens to your house you dont want to not be able to pay for a repair.  i would recommend setting some money aside as untouchable every month.  if family has an issue...you dont even count that money as money you have.  helping someone after a tragedy like sandy is something families should do if they can.  it isnt like they are waisting their money and dont have any leftover for bills.  

i understand that you want to get married and have the "dream wedding."  my mom had a tough situation like yours when she was suppose to get married. they ended up eloping.  i would recommend giving that some serious thought. you could always have a vow renewal and have the wedding you wanted in a few years when everyone is on better ground financially.   if you did chose to elope i would recommend finding a place that has a wedding/honeymoon package deal.  that way you know that you will at least get a honeymoon.  my parents always thought they would just take their honeymoon later, but never did.  my dad died in august 2012 after they had been married 41 yrs.

Posted on August 2, 2014 at 11:22 pm
bridelatrice816
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 Perhaps giving them a "fixed" support for their food that will still enable the two of you to save up for your wedding. I myself wouldn't want to see my in-laws suffer while I save up for my dream wedding, so if I have the chance, why not help them. But your wedding should be the topmost priority and should get the bigger chunk off your savings.

Posted on August 3, 2014 at 5:24 am
Kuppy13
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 I agree with Krosa, if it is really weighing heavy on your mind, elope. It may not be your dream wedding, but then you will have your husband and some extra money to continue to help. 

As a side note, be wary of them relying on your income if you don't plan to support them for the long run.  I think it's great if you plan to do it permanently but if there will be an end make sure that they are well informed of the end date otherwise there will probably be hurt feelings.  

Good luck!

Posted on August 3, 2014 at 6:30 am
halloweeniegirl
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We bought our house with cash. We don't have a mortgage. FH's family knows that and they know that it puts us in a better place financially than we were before when we had to pay rent. They have no savings and they live off of one pension check. In a few years my FH's mother will get SS but it won't be much at all since she never really worked. They make too much money for assistance. They depend on food banks to keep food in their house every month and they always run out.

We have told them over and over again that the money we were paying for rent we need to save that every month now. They think that since my FH has a 401K set up he has nothing to worry about ever.

FH's family could fix anything that goes wrong with the house pretty much which is nice.

My fear is that helping them will never end. And I don't think that I should feel guilty about wanting to do stuff for the wedding but I do.

Posted on August 3, 2014 at 10:55 am
Kuppy13
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 It's your money, FH and yourself work for it, so you should never feel guilty about how it's spent!

Posted on August 3, 2014 at 11:10 am
halloweeniegirl
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I think that eloping may be our only option. I don't like the idea but building up our own savings again is more important. And how can we not help them too?  

Posted on August 3, 2014 at 11:16 am
halloweeniegirl
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halloweeniegirl

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@Kuppy- I agree with you but that's how we feel now. 

Posted on August 3, 2014 at 11:17 am
Kuppy13
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 Eloping is tough, but you'll have support here!  I really wish we had, I would have loved a no pressure day all about us and starting our lives together. 

Posted on August 3, 2014 at 12:26 pm
NicholeB
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09/20/2014
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 Sweetie I'm so sorry that you are going through this and are faced with these types of decisions.  It makes me feel guilty for stressing over silly things that don't really matter.  You're right it's a really tough situation to be in and I think it's wonderful that you are helping his family out I do, it's very admirable of you.  

However, his family should also realize at some point that they need to explore other options of financial assistance and realize the burden that would place on anyone's shoulders of anyone who was consistently contributing financially.

As for eloping I say that's totally up to you IF hat's what you want.  If it's not what you want then maybe a conversation needs to be shared with your FI's family explaining your position.  The best advice I can give you though is don't settle for less.  Again, if you want to elope then go for it there is no shame in that but please don't do it because you feel like it's your only option.  If you want a wedding, even if it's a simple one...plan it girl!  Bad timing can sometimes be a blessing in disguise.  I know aaaaaaaaaaalllllllllll about that....lol.

Good luck to you and I hope it all works out for you.

Posted on August 4, 2014 at 8:17 am
Uhlease
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 So sorry you're dealing with this :( So Hurricane Sandy wiped out what they had as well? Do your FH's siblings work? I think I'm just a little confused as to why they need so much help? My parents are going through a tough time right now, and even though my mom didn't want to, she had to find a second job, so I'm just trying to make sense of why they need so much assistance from you guys. I think it's so amazing they can rely on help from family, but I don't think it should be a forever thing. But yea, maybe at this time the wedding can go on the back burner which is hard since I know you've been planning ideas for the wedding for awhile. I like Krosas idea of eloping now and having a vow renewal/wedding later. But of course it's all up to you. I think it's great to help out family, but focusing on your savings is important too. Good luck.

Posted on August 4, 2014 at 8:57 am
Linnn
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09/14/2014
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 hmmm...so it sounds like they do work but make too much for assistance....what are they spending their money on? are they making poor money decisions? are they in debt? 

great that you can help, but it sounds like they are taking advantage. not sure if you have children, but when you do, if you do, all that money will go to your family. they have to understand it's you and FI money, not theirs. 

as someone said earlier, you and FI need to come up w/ a cut off date and STICK TO IT. this is totally unfair and personally i dont like when family feel entitled to your money just b/c. if they can physically work, then someone needs to find another job, or get around the govt if need be. 

not sure where you live, but food pantries or churches offer food. sure you should help once in a while, but not all the while.

 

good luck...this sounds really stressful. take care of yourselves b/c without good health you aren't good to anyone.

 

Posted on August 4, 2014 at 3:46 pm
halloweeniegirl
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Sorry ladies I tried to post earlier and PW kept kicking me off... 

Posted on August 4, 2014 at 5:36 pm
halloweeniegirl
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I'll try to answer all of the questions now-

No Sandy did not wipe out my FH's family. I was just talking about us.

One of my FH's siblings works and the other does not. He is capable of working, just lazy.

Their only source of income is FH's dad gets a pension. FH's mom got laid off years ago and doesn't want to get another job. FH's dad also gets SS but that money is given to one of his children every month for his care. FH's mom is waiting a few more years to get her SS so that it will be more money.  

They make too much money to get assistance.

They just do not have enough money coming in every month to cover their bills. They have lots of debt and are behind on their taxes.

Posted on August 4, 2014 at 5:46 pm
halloweeniegirl
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Thanks for all of the responses ladies! I really needed to vent!

FH is going to have to sit down and talk with them.  We have three kids and we need to take care of our famly first. I hope that they understand but I have a feeling that FH's mom is going to throw a fit. She loves you when you are doing what she wants you to do but gets instantly mean when you're not.

I think that they feel since we have no mortgage on our house we are rolling in money and we should help them since we can.

We have told them over and over again that we need to save the money that we were paying in rent every month for our future.

Posted on August 4, 2014 at 5:58 pm
halloweeniegirl
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12/07/2014
halloweeniegirl

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THANK YOU for all of the advice ladies!!!!!!!!!

FH had "the talk" with his parents and they will not be asking us for any more money, well atleast not anytime soon. That is such a huge relief and a huge weight off of our shoulders.

And I have big news.....

We booked a JOP for December!! We are going to have a private ceremony and then have a very intimate party at our house later in the day. It's going to be extremely casual and simple with no fluff but I can't wait. My stress level is zero. I'm just excited!  :)   

Posted on August 6, 2014 at 2:59 pm
Kuppy13
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 Congratulations!  That sounds like so much fun!

Posted on August 7, 2014 at 6:47 am
NicholeB
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I'm so happy that everything worked out for you.  Congratulations!

Posted on August 7, 2014 at 2:04 pm
Linnn
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 awesome! congrats

Posted on August 7, 2014 at 3:47 pm

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