NFR:Need to vent...very long :(
This isn't entirely fertility related but I know it must be affecting me physically so kinda? Plus, I didn't want to post in the bigger forums.
I have been under an extreme amount of stress lately with work but primarily a situation with DH's ex-wife. I am angry that these external situations are most likely affecting me in a physical way.
Among the many things that seem to be happening all at once my DH and I have just come into posession of the house he owned with his ex-wife. We thought it would be a good thing but ooohhhhh were we ever wrong.
She stopped paying for the mortgage as the divorce decree stated (she got possesion and was supposed to pay to live there until the house sold) and so we were basically forced to pay for her to live there for the past 2 years with her boyfriend and friends in order not to ruin our credit. This in addition to our $1k/month rent. The plan was that, even though we didn't want to live there, we would move in until we could sell it and have a fresh start in a different house.
We were in a long legal battle with her and were, literally, 5 days away from having it all sorted it out when she suddenly passed away. In the freaking house!!! I never met her but I felt sadness for her despite the hell she put us through the last 3 years with that stupid house. I feel terribly guilty about this but...I don't feel sadness anymore. I am raging mad now after inspecting the house and on top of that I feel like a terrible person for thinking such angry thoughts about her. She was a raging alcoholic (main reason for their divorce although she was mostly a "functioning" drnk at that time) but also bordering on psychotic. In the last year or so her family basically disowned her because of her narcissism and selfishness. Her disease they were willing to deal with but her victim mentality seems to be where they drew the line.
We let the dust settle and this past Saturday morning we went over to the house to change the locks and pack her belongings up for her parents and what we found was beyond disgusting and almost indescribable. It is an almost 3000sq ft house that is only 5 yrs old and not a single square inch of that carpet is salvageable. I almost threw up when we entered the house and we had to leave to get masks and gloves to enter into it. There was dog and human feces and urine everywhere. What I thought was a film of nicotine on everything has turned out to be crack and cocaine residue. Doors are broken, door handle ripped off, toilets are literally black on the inside. It is even worse than that but I think that paints the picture. It is imcomprehensible that she could have gotten to this point. This was an educated woman from a wealthy family. Not that that exempts her from poor choices but it makes it that much more shocking.
We spent 7 hrs on Saturday and 9 hrs yesterday emptying trash out. We counted 53 bags of trash and 3 bags of donatable items and I would say we are only about 1/10th of the way through. We will have to paint, rip carpets out and disinfect the concrete (the freaking concrete!) before we can put new carpets down. I so badly want to hire someone to do this but it will be at least another month before we can get that place habitable and we will have a full mortgage and rent payment to make plus I need to save money for the possible route of IVF me and DH may have to go down.
I know it can't be healthy to be breathing those fumes in but there is really no alternative. DH keeps making me walk outside every 30 minutes to breathe fresh air.
Thank god my next 3 weeks of clients are remote (I won't have to fly the way I usually do) so I can work on it at night and also my poor 72year old mom has enthusiastically stepped up to help us. She is a cleaning wizard and will keep me on task so we are as productive as possible.
sigh...I've run out of steam and of course I am feeling cramps which means AF is on her merry little way. I have more to say but my mind is a giant mess right now.
sorry to be so depressing but I just needed to rid myself of this.
If you made it through this mess of a post you deserve a cookie. Thank you!