NWR: does money come between friends??

so i have a question - have you ever loaned money (and not just $10 for lunch) to a friend and then a month goes by and nothing has been said and she hasnt given you even 10% back??

this is going to be story-telling vomit, but here goes:

a have a gf of mine who was in dire straits a while back - mind you fh was still laid off when this happened... anyhoo - her electricity got turned off b/c she owed $700.. so she asked me for help - i felt bad b/c she has 5 kids (17yo, 15 yo, 14 yo, 12 yo and 2yo) - so despite my better judgement, i loaned her the 7 bills...

after about 2 pay cycles ( we work together also - and she's in my wedding next year) she still hadnt given me even $100 back... so i politely asked her for the cash - telling her that i needed to help fh with his car payments since he was still laid off...

after about 2 months, she returned the $700..

well--- last night she called me bawling her eyes out that her mortgage is so far behind that if mortgage company doesnt get the $6K she's behhind, theyre going to start the foreclosure process...

i'm not the brightest bulb on the tree - but i suggested to her to call them and give them the $2K she had on hand and work out the rest... she told me that it's far beyond that and that she needs to give them the full amount.

she then proceeded to ask...borderline beg me for the $6K to bail her out...

i told her i couldnt b/c fh and i are still digging ourselves out of the hole we are in b/c of him being laid off for all that time... she then says - "i know your mom left you a ton of money when she died and i know your dad just gave you all his money too - $6K isnt going to make a dent - cant you just loan it to me - i'll pay you back in 4 monhts!"

ok so what if my parents did - that money is set aside for buying another house or my own retirment or God forbid if fh or i ever need long-term care or whatever...honestly, i "forget" i have it b/c i dont want to be dependent on it and start dipping into it... frankly i live day-to-day with what i earn, not what my parents hve given me... to me - that's not "mine" per se...

so i emailed her today with some info about stopping the foreclosure process and 3 links to organizations that help people...

she sends a text mssg back - "too late. i guess we're homeless now. thx. ttyl."

WTF???

i feel bad about her sitch, but i'm livin day-to-day as well kwim??

i think i'm gonna leave her alone for a minute - like i want to help but i just wasnt comfortable doing that...

oh what to do what to do...
Posted on May 7, 2008 at 3:33 pm
d1rtymart1n1
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12/04/2009
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(9) Comments

chowbaby
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08/16/2008
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Yikes--what an awful situation for you (her too, but truly...). Sooo NOT COOL to be even remotely trying to guilt trip (seriously? bringing up an inheritance? so none of her business) you into loaning her a not insignificant chunk of change!

You did as much as you could to help her out. Seems wise to let it sit for a while (and let her get over her bad girl self). Sorry you have to go through this.
Posted on May 7, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Niki
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05/31/2008
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I think you made the right decision. I don't think you should have jeopardized your financial future because your friend has made and is continuing to make bad choices. I know it must've been hard to say no, and put up with that text message (which was intended to make you feel really awful), but her even asking for that much money was out of line.
Posted on May 7, 2008 at 3:50 pm
MissQnomore
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03/14/2009
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Dirty I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I agree with the others. I think you made the right decision, and it was really low for her to even ask you this...let alone badger you after you already said no. Even if you weren't in the situation you are now (where FI was laid off) you STILL wouldn't be obligated to "loan" the money. She should not blame you for her money problems, you were nice enough to help her out before. And speaking of that....I'm sensing a pattern here where she's getting more and more expectant and less and less grateful to ask this ginormous favor from you. I think you're absolutely right to stop this behavior NOW.

It's never fun to go through this type of strain in a friendship, sorry dirty! *Hugs*
Posted on May 7, 2008 at 4:06 pm
moemarsita
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07/06/2008
moemarsita

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Yes, money does come between friends. While I will say you probably made a mistake by lending her money with no stipulations, she doesn't seem like the best money manager. It doesn't make sense for you to sacrifice your future to help her out, especially when she hasn't developed a good history with you.

It's important to consider any loan to be "professional." Give them a hard deadline and charge them interest. That way they'll take it more seriously, and you get something out of the deal also. It's worked in the past for me. Even put together a contract if necessary.

Sorry it didn't seem to work out this time, but unfortunately it reveals who true friends are...
Posted on May 7, 2008 at 4:35 pm
ambersmith59
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12/19/2008
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Sounds to me like your friend needs to learn how to better manage her finances and stop depending on everyone else to get her out of the hole. If you had loaned her the cash, aside from never seeing it again, you would only be enabling her to continue down this bankrupt road she's traveling, so good for you in not giving in and forwarding her free advice instead!!
Posted on May 8, 2008 at 12:44 am
kpn
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06/13/2009
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That is a sucky story - I would very very curious if it were my friend, what habit she had to make her get $6k behind in mortgage?? I could see $700 behind for utility bill, but $6k behind in mortgage? Perhaps she should sell and buyer smaller house.

If she works with you, suggest borrowing against her 401k if she has one? Debt is a bitch and so are friends when they make you feel lik the bad one when it comes to money.

To me that text was a pity text to make you feel even worse. Tough love is what I say - and if she was truly your friend, this should NOT come between the both of you.
Posted on May 8, 2008 at 1:19 am
MrsTongToBe
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06/28/2008
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I agree with everyone else. I am so sorry you were put in such an extremely uncomfortable position like that. To be honest she sounds a little bit selfish- it COULD be that she was just desperate but it seems deeper than that. A person with integrity would ask for help with resources, not money. Bringing up an inheritance is so tacky and incredibly assuming. I think you're doing the right thing by giving her her space.

One more word of advice- don't let her live with you if she asks. Just my thoughts. I really, truly hope everything is okay for her & her family but it is in no way your obligation to pull her sinking ship out of the water.
Posted on May 8, 2008 at 8:16 am
d1rtymart1n1
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d1rtymart1n1

THANKS ladies!! i wholeheartedly agree with all your comments - i guess i just needed reassurance that i wasnt being "cruella deville" by not helping a friend in need...

she just called me again asking me, prefacing with "i know i'm crossing the line of friendship by asking you again"

so i told her straight up "stop panicking!! there's still time to intercept this process."

then she started with the waterworks again.

i reiterated that i would help her by finding resources for her, making suggestions about borrowing against her 401k or selling company stock. i dont know if those fell on deaf ears, but i also suggested having her parents take out some equity - it's her parent's home and they've all been living there for over 30 years...

then she tells me - to help her a few years back, her parents took out some equity to help her get a home of her own and her kids; well she couldnt keep up payments with that home, so she lost the home her parents helped her to buy and her parents offered to let her and the kids live with them again.

this, in turn, made the mortgage payment on her parents' home go from $400 (yes child $400!! - i guess they bought it in the 1970s or so??)to a still affordable $1300 today...

well, i guess her parents fell behind on the property taxes (they should be retired now, but still work part-time to keep the house) and didnt tell her that they were paying off the taxes and not paying the mortgage - which is how they got to this spot now.

it's all confusing and all unfortunate, but like y'all have said, i cant help everyone - i can only help myself...

thanks for letting me vent and ramble on and on!!

=======================================

MT2B= she hasnt quite asked me if she and her 5 kids could move in with me - but i doubt (hope against it) that will happen... i live in the 'burbs and it takes me 2 hours to get to work and it would take her kids longer to get to school - so i'm hoping that the commute time alone will dissuade her from even thinkin about asking me that...
Posted on May 8, 2008 at 8:36 am
Chica
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08/10/2008
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OMG, I agree w/everyone. You did right by not giving her money. I wish I had a $400 mortgage!!! She is obviously irresponsible, first she asks her parents for money to help her buy a house, which they did and she lost it. Now that her parents are in a rut, she can't even help them w/$1300 mortgage, which is less than what somepeople pay for apartments nowadays. So how is she supposed to pay you back? Not going to happen. I just hate how people feel that they can loosely ask you for money b/c you have an inheritance, which is none of their business. FI had this same problem when he got his inheritance, it seems like everyone needed to pay just one bill or needed a place to stay for just one month. And I hate the line, "you won't even miss it." FI's response is, "yeah, but I had to lose my whole family to get it and I'll never get them back" And that usually shuts them up.
Posted on May 8, 2008 at 9:05 am

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