NWR: Need Advice.

Need advice. A little background. My fiances’ parents are divorced. His dad wasn’t around a whole lot when he was younger as his dad was an alcoholic and on the road working all the time. FI pretty much raised himself and his brother as his mom was working all the time. I always tell FI, I’m not sure how you turned out to be so “normal?!?” J Anyways…we live in the city that I grew up in, Cedar Rapids (CR). FI’s dad and step-mom currently live less than 5 minutes from us. FI and his dad have become a lot closer in the past 1 ½ year since we have been together and only live 2 min away. My parents moved to Des Moines (2 hours from where we live) about 5 years ago. FI and I have always said we want to get out of CR and to a bigger city. My stipulation was that I don’t want to be too far away from our families…within 4 hours. FI on the other hand would love to move to Denver or Chicago just because he is independent and loves the big city and really just wants to get away from his family. They weren’t real close growing up and he doesn’t really have too many ties with them. Well, I fell into an opportunity within the last month. I was not looking for a new job, but was asked to apply for a position in Des Moines through a mutual friend. It is exactly what I want to be doing in my career, is $15k more a year in pay, better benefits and more vacation. To FI and I, it was a no brainer. FI has to find a new job yet and we have to sell our house, but we are both excited about it. FI has a finance and real estate degree as well and Des Moines is known for being a financial capital. He has better opportunities there. Anyways…last night FI was at work and I went to the band in the park with FI’s parents and my best friend. FI’s dad got started talking about us moving, etc… He has yet to congratulate me on the new job or anything like that. Conversation leads to him attacking me and saying that it’s a one way street and that I won’t move to where FI wants to, etc… Completely badgering me for the decision that we have made and that I’m making FI find a new job. I really believe that FI’s dad is upset that we are moving away and probably doesn’t help that we are moving closer to my parents, but at the same time I don’t know how many times I have to explain that this was OUR decision and that I wouldn’t do something if FI wasn’t ok with it. We have had endless discussions about this and he is 100% on board. He’s told his dad that, but obviously his dad doesn’t agree. I told FI about it last night when he got home from work and his response was, that’s how dad is. I said ok, but that doesn’t make it acceptable for him to treat me like that. He agreed, but I don’t think he will say anything to him. I just don’t know what to do. I feel like FI isn’t sticking up for us. Thoughts? Opinions? Am I being out of line to want FI to say something?!

Posted on August 20, 2010 at 2:58 am
Bailey092411
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Bailey092411

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(6) Comments

aklovesmc
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11/19/2011
aklovesmc

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aklovesmc

You FI is just getting to know his day again... let this one blow over but let him know that you fully expect him to be by your side in the future.

Posted on August 20, 2010 at 3:04 am
SpringBride2011
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SpringBride2011

Make sure it is clear to him that behavor like that is not acceptable in the future. Otherwise, you may be fighting a never ending battle with his dad!!!!!!


Good luck!!!!

Posted on August 20, 2010 at 3:09 am
aparker1269
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aparker1269

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I think his Dad is blaming you for all those years he wasn't a good Dad and is now trying to make up for lost ground but it's being 'taken' from him.  He was probably unleashing on you what he couldn't say to his son, because if he said it to his son - he might lose what he's been working hard for to recover. 


I know he shouldn't have done it, I know it wasn't right but I hope this is a one-time incident.  If it happens again - I would have a plan in place with how to react, comebacks, etc.  There's no good solution to this for this one incident that I can suggest but I would be proactive and prepare for if there's a 'next time'.


Oh and restrain from events where you are not with your FI around his dad.  His dad won't bring it up around his son. 

Posted on August 20, 2010 at 3:13 am
TrickyNik
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03/24/2011
TrickyNik

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Well, keep in mind he wasn't there to see it. Most guys are "out of sight, out of mind". You've told him how you feel, he responded. Yes, it was crappy for FI's dad to get all up at you over your choice, but he's probably definiyely mad that you're moving away, and needs to take it out on you, the woman stealing his son, because he can't take it out on your FI, who he's only just 'gotten back' after being a dead beat for years.  Plus, don't forget that your FI probably doesn't know how to confront his dad about anything. They're esentially strangers, kwim? In comparison to other father/son relationships.


No, it sucked for you, and it was inappropriate of FI's dad, but I think you should just leave it. If Fi's dad does it again, that's the time that you and FI need to sit down with him and explain your situation.

Posted on August 20, 2010 at 3:16 am
TrickyNik
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Ha, aparker! Great minds think alike! LOL

Posted on August 20, 2010 at 3:16 am
Bailey092411
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Thank you girls!!! He's made a lot of comments recently to me that I haven't approved of. A couple about what I eat, etc... Made a snorting noise at me and said, what kind of diet is that?!?! Seriously, the man is mean. His wife just takes it and is used to dealing with him. I'm not one to put up with sh*t so it didn't go over too well with me. I think if something else happens again I will push the issue. Hopefully with moving away things will get better. Unfortunately, we are going to Chicago with them this weekend for a Cubs game. Thankfully we will be in separate cars! *sigh*

Posted on August 20, 2010 at 3:22 am

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