NWR: Need help with a difficult and really sad situation

Hi Ladies,


I just found out my friends (I was one of their BMs 6 years ago when they got married) just lost their baby.  She was one years old and had some rare disease...she passed away last night and I don't know what I can do to help them...but I want to do something this has to be the hardest thing someone goes through...any advice would be helpful...I'm not as close to them now as I was when they got married...now I only see them every few months...my Brother however is still close with them and sees them on a weekly/biweekly level.


sorry if this is too sad for you guys...i don't mean to be a downer.


TIA

Posted on July 22, 2008 at 5:43 am
mhanna22
3
07/12/2014
mhanna22

mhanna22

  • 3
  • 8
  • 1.75k
49
Followers
53
Following

(9) Comments

beatie
5
10/11/2008
beatie

beatie

  • 5
  • 14
  • 6.57k
147
Followers
150
Following

beatie

oh man...that is so sad.  losing a child has got to be one of the hardest things to deal with.  i think letting them know you are there for them and that you are thinking of them is appropriate.  also, actually doing things to make day to day life easier for them is helpful.  bringing meals so they don't have to think about cooking (though they may not feel like eating), cleaning the house, doing laundry or grocery shopping.  it's those kind of things that take a load off them so they can focus on their family and their grieving.  i'm so sorry for your friends' loss!!

Posted on July 22, 2008 at 5:47 am
LAMB2009
2
05/30/2009
LAMB2009

LAMB2009

  • 2
  • 8
  • 213
50
Followers
53
Following

LAMB2009

My friend lost her baby a few months back, this is the poem she sent me the other day.


                                                 SAY MY CHILD'S NAME!



The mention of Brandon's name may bring tears to my eyes.

But it never fails to bring music to my ears.

If you love me and you are my friend, let me hear the music of his name!

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.  

In loving memory of our sweet


Brandon George

9/30/06-3/19/08 

I will PM you in a minute mhanna

-Rach


Posted on July 22, 2008 at 5:51 am
jharks
3
10/11/2008
jharks

jharks

  • 3
  • 4
  • 1.93k
23
Followers
27
Following

jharks

That is really tough. I know that when my mom miscarried, which is obviously a very different thing, it helped her when people offered to take me to their homes for the night so she and my dad could grieve how they needed to. So if she has other kids, maybe offer to take them for the day, or to stay the night at your house. Also, maybe she would like to get away from it all for a little bit, you could take her on a spa weekend or something, and maybe your brother could take her husband for  guys weekend fishing or whatever they do, it could be a team effort. This is really hard, and I think the best thing you can do is offer to help with making the memorial arrangements and maybe you could offer to provide the food if they are having calling hours at their house. So sorry to hear about such a tragic situation.

Posted on July 22, 2008 at 6:10 am
LAMB2009
2
05/30/2009
LAMB2009

LAMB2009

  • 2
  • 8
  • 213
50
Followers
53
Following

LAMB2009

I just sent you a PM

Posted on July 22, 2008 at 6:13 am
MissQnomore
4
03/14/2009
MissQnomore

MissQnomore

  • 4
  • 12
  • 4.43k
202
Followers
206
Following

MissQnomore

What I have to say is along the lines of RacheRach.  Don't be afraid to gently talk about him with her.  A lot of people are scared at times like this to invoke intense emotions when a tragedy has occured, but talking about it is really the best medicine.  Even if you just offer to listen to her. 


Not that this is the same thing at all, but I've been trained to deal with victims of trauma to just have them tell you what happened.  What their day-to-day life has been like with this illnes, what they are feeling now, what they need to do for preparations (funeral, etc), and eventually, talking about them about what they can expect in the future. 


Grief is different for everyone.  And whatever they're feeling is normal, and not making them hide it is the best thing you could do. Tell them it's o.k. to be angry (if that's what they're feeling), tell them it's o.k. to feel sick to their stomaches from sadness, and tell them that it's o.k. to feel numb and feel nothing at all.  Basically validate anything they say to you.


On a personal note, I work as a school psychologist, and I work closely with the special needs classes.  I lost my first student this year, and the teacher whom I'm fairly close to, was beyond distraught.  And I found that the more we could talk about the student, the more she was able to process what happened, and remember the joys of the student.  I took her to the funeral and just sat with her.  I checked in every once in a while just to say....what kind of day are you having today?  And NAMED the grief of what she was going through.  Brushing it under a rug sometimes makes it harder for others.


Another thing to be aware of is... if they've had a loved one pass away in the recent past (or maybe even a long time ago), this loss will certaintly stir up those feelings again, so they may want to talk about others and their experiences with the loss of those dear ones as well.


I am so sorry for your friend's and your loss.  If you need to talk feel free to PM me.

Posted on July 22, 2008 at 6:25 am
MissQnomore
4
03/14/2009
MissQnomore

MissQnomore

  • 4
  • 12
  • 4.43k
202
Followers
206
Following

MissQnomore

Oh and if she is a religious person...there are often grief groups offered at their local church....if you think that is warranted.

Posted on July 22, 2008 at 6:29 am
Sarahinwonderland
20
10/17/2009
Sarahinwonderland

Sarahinwonderland

  • 20
  • 15
  • 21.1k
287
Followers
291
Following

Sarahinwonderland

Oh wow i hope I never have to go through that. I know nothing can help them, they must cope together. But you can let your support be known. Send cards and flowers. Help clean the house or empty out the childs room. Man this is something no one can ever fully recover from.

Posted on July 22, 2008 at 6:45 am
ShopGirl
3
04/26/2008
ShopGirl

ShopGirl

  • 3
  • 11
  • 979
100
Followers
105
Following

ShopGirl

Sorry to hear the sad news. I also have a friend who also recently lost her baby from Sudden Infant Death, their baby boy was only 3 months old and her first. He was fine one minute and not breathing the next. It was a very very sad situation. I wanted to be there for her and her husband but she was the type who wanted to be alone and not talk about it especially since most of our other friends all have babies which brings a very tearful sad memory of her baby boy. Since then, they have moved to Alaska to be w/ her husband's family which will help heal their pain and maybe in time they will try for another baby in the next year or so.


Sometimes a person just needs time to heal. It also depends if your friend is the private keep to herself type. Try not to force her if she doesn't feel like talking to seeing too many people during this difficult time. I guess, it all depends on the person. Maybe just let her know that you are around for support or any help whenever she needs you.


I hope the best for your friend and her family as they will be in my prayers.

Posted on July 22, 2008 at 6:48 am
mhanna22
3
07/12/2014
mhanna22

mhanna22

  • 3
  • 8
  • 1.75k
49
Followers
53
Following

mhanna22

Thank you all for your advice and assitance...they don't have any other children (they miscarried once before they had their baby girl, emily)  I will do my best to offer my time and shoulder...but she is a very "keep it to myself" type of person...I hope her and her husband pull through this together and don't allow this to distance them from each other...thats kind of what happened when they miscarried...I'm gonna get in touch with her sister (i'm friends with her too) and maybe she can give me little tasks and assignments to help with.  Thank you so much ladies your warmth and kindness is greatly appreciated.

Posted on July 22, 2008 at 7:17 am

Have a question? Contact Support
Top Contributors this Week
Canooknic
16 posts
Linnn
13 posts
NicholeB
13 posts
krosa
11 posts
lorna247
9 posts
ychris822
9 posts