Planning a wedding with no engagement!?

This was a touchy subject between my sisters and a couple girlfriends of mine.  Over the weekend we had a huge discussion and/or debate and now im curious to hear other opinions!


So my sister Nat is rekindling her relationship with an ex for the past 2 months and is all in now. She wants to marry him and is hounding me to plan her wedding! Ok so I made the remark to her that I didnt want to plan until they got officially engaged! So my baby sister agrees with me, two girlfriends agree and one girlfriend disagrees. I explained to my sister I thought she was putting the cart before the horse so to speak! She got very angry! I wasnt trying to be mean it was just my opinion! So now she thinks those who disagreed are just hating and being negative!


Honestly when DH proposed to me it was labor day weekend 2010. We told immediate family and that was all. He gave me my engagement ring in March 2011. So we announced that we were officially engaged at that point to everyone. I did no planning until after that. Now thats just me! My baby sister who got married a couple years ago did the exact same thing.


So now my ansy sister Nat thinks we are being ridiculous and we should all start planning her day now! I even think it would be one thing if WE KNEW when they were getting engaged but he hasnt said anything about that to her yet either!


So my question is ...what do you think of planning a wedding before the engagement?


 


 

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 5:02 am
mrsharris2012
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(20) Comments

melsmith56
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I agree with you. Once the engagement is formally announced, then I'd proceed. In my mind, to do otherwise is just spinning your wheels and gearing up for a day that may or may not happen.
Posted on September 24, 2012 at 5:16 am
Uhlease
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09/02/2012
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I agree. It's ok to look at things, and research, but to actually book things and plan, that's a little different.


BUT, it also depends on the situation. If they are in a long term and have been talking about marriage for awhile and he's just saving for a ring or something, then yes, but if she's just getting back with an ex then NO! lol.

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 5:57 am
kevinsprincess
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kevinsprincess

all i can say is i completely agree with you mrs.harris i feel as though it would tempt fate so to speak as well. If she is serious about him she should wait rushing him might make him think its too much too soon and he could just get out! Plus its nicer to do things properly and to get your sparkler first :)
Posted on September 24, 2012 at 6:08 am
marilynskeepsakes
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marilynskeepsakes

Research, research, research! That is all I would do until the engagement is official! I wouldn't buy anything or put any money down on venues or photographers and such because it would be so easy for the relationship or even wedding date to change at this point. As Beyonce would say, He needs to put a ring on it!

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 6:15 am
allbyfaith
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I agree with you for the most part.  We got engaged unofficially last year Sept 2011, he asked without a ring, but I did start planning or better yet, we did start planning.  We made a deposit together and discussed wedding and marriage for 2013. We announced it to my mom, and close friends. I just received my ring last week, but we began announcing to everyone when we hit the one year mark on Sept 1st. We agreed that we would announce when we were one year out I wasnt thinking about getting a ring because I knew we were getting married with or without one.


I think that if you are creating this wedding in your head without a discussion between the both of you, no planning or preparation should be made. You said that your sister's boyfriend hasnt said anything about marriage, so she should wait to think about it. They should just focus now on fixing the issues that broke them up.

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 6:36 am
mrsharris2012
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mrsharris2012

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Interesting! I just asked a male coworker who is getting married next month what he would have thought if she started planning prior to the engagement and he chuckled and said he would have told her to slow her roll and let him do his thing first! Give up the bling!


allbyfaith....its sounds like even though you didnt have your bling prior to announcing it he had proposed and the both of you had made the decision, set a date and moved forward. Thats one thing but in this situation theres no word from the man yet as to when he wants to propose even! I could get over the ring absence if he just proposed! lol

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 7:42 am
tnt1989
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Technically I still don't have a ring and planned the wedding without one. Because he asked while deployed many of our friends understood we were engaged but when outsiders asked they didn't consider us engaged because I had no ring. His family knows and the wedding is in May. I was planning the wedding before an official engagement but we have circumstances that couldn't be helped. 

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 7:51 am
She1
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yeeea I agree with you, planning a wedding should deff come AFTER getting engaged lol...


I wonder what her boyfriend would think about this... personaly I think its kind of rude to assume such a life changing move...I don't know their entire situation so I can't say for sure, but If I was him and I found out, I would be pissed , and  probably scared off ...

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 8:30 am
thechelsi
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I agree in this case, however I don't think the ring is what defines the engagement. If the couple has both agreed that yes, they are going to get married, I completely understand planning the wedding! If it is one sided though, I can't say I really understand it!

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 9:17 am
pickaroe
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A RING DOES NOT SIGNIFY ENGAGEMENT. Period.


Neither does an elaborate presentation of the question.


However, if the girl is just going full force and the guy hasn't actually committed to getting married then that is something else.


I did not want a ring for about 20 different reasons. My fiance is very shy and subtle so I didn't expect a cliche disneyland and fireworks blowout. We decided to get married and told our parents and closest friends without a ring or the full blown engagement story. He eventually got me an antique ring I said I'd be okay with and proposed at the Grand Canyon but that was 5 months after we booked our venue and almost all our vendors!


BTW - this annoys me very much because one of my more traditional friends basically told my group of girlfriends that we weren't actually engaged because we didn't have a ring. My thoughts... Umm, well we're getting married so you can define this planning period however you want in your pretty little head. 

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 9:48 am
marilynskeepsakes
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marilynskeepsakes

I agree, pickaroe, a ring doesn't mean anything but the commitment does. As long as the guy has said he wants go marry you and has "proposed" then I am good with that.

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 10:03 am
mrsharris2012
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marilynskeep.....good point! "a ring doesn't mean anything but the commitment does. As long as the guy has said he wants go marry you and has "proposed" then I am good with that."


 


pickaroe...good point! "However, if the girl is just going full force and the guy hasn't actually committed to getting married then that is something else."

Posted on September 24, 2012 at 10:17 am
MrsCaleYoung
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I totally agree with you Ronda and I read the post two times. The thing that struck me is she wants to plan a wedding but you never mentioned once that he even brought up marrying her! Cale and I were unofficially engaged in 2010, but if he had not brought it up, there is no way I would be asking anyone to plan a wedding! Cale got my ring while we were in Chicago for a weekend March of 2011 and he did not officially propose until Christmas of that year because he wanted all our family and friends see him do it. There is no way I would have planned our wedding and he hadn't even hinted that he wanted to get married! You are not being negative or a hater!

Posted on September 25, 2012 at 8:40 am
TimilyL
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TimilyL

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This gets to be a bit of a hairy situation sometimes.


On one hand, no, no one requires a ring to be engaged.  In many cases, as mentioned, when deployment is involved, or other circumstances that prevent a couple from being together to necessarily plan a wedding on a typical timeline, then no, the ring is not what it's all about.


On the other hand (where he put a ring on it), well, Beyonce's got a point.  I don't believe that a man has to break himself (or whoever buys the ring) to show a woman that he loves her (or whichever partner buys the ring if we're talking about a same sex couple), but the ring is a significant part of the engagement.  Even if it's only symbolic.


I consider myself very progressive and fairly non-traditional in many, many ways.  However, the engagement and the purchase of my ring was A Very Big Deal.  When we got engaged, we had only been dating 8 months (we got engaged on that anniversary!), but he went to extensive lengths to give me a very special proposal, etc.


If someone is planning a small, intimate wedding that fulfills the purpose of getting married, then it makes total sense to start planning even without a ring.


Sometimes, though, I think "a ring doesn't signify an engagement" can be used as an excuse.  It all comes down to what the couple expects from each other, and if one person is not fulfilling the other's expectations, then there's no reason to be planning a huge wedding, full of symbolism and dessert tables and elaborate accessories if that first, major stepping stone symbol has not been offered up yet.


And I'm all for equity.  My DH got me my engagement ring, and for Christmas that year, with my bonus, I bought him an Xbox.


Note also that my perspective comes from someone who was deciding on "wedding details" and guests and what not when I was was "pre-engaged", or waiting to be proposed to, and got dumped harshly instead.  I'd personally have a long engagement, full of security, rather than a long planning period, only to be disappointed.  Sometimes men need to crap or get off the pot.


Sorry for the rant!

Posted on September 25, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Sammy_D
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It's okay to be be engaged in name only, and start planning with no ring IF both people agree they want to get married. A ring is just a symbol, you certainly don't need one. But if the guy is clueless and/or has not popped the question yet...that's a bit psycho IMO! Both parties have to be on board and there needs to be a discussion of 'Yes, we are getting married' first.

Posted on September 26, 2012 at 5:22 am
senoritashannon
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11/13/2011

senoritashannon

I wish there was a like button for Chelsi's comment! Ring or not if he has asked (or she) then let the planning begin if not keep day dreaming (aka research!) And nada m?s!
Posted on September 26, 2012 at 5:48 am
kplusd
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i do agree that she should wait. BUT, i started planning to plan 6 months before we got engaged. we knew we were going to get engaged, it was just a money issue with the ring. we also picked our date at that time. so until i got my ring, i just shopped around for venues, and different options so that when i did get my ring, i was completely ready to plan the real stuff since i had shopped around for half a year. but for me, i wouldnt have set anything in stone until i had a ring on my finger because i needed more then verbal confirmation that we were really getting married!

Posted on September 26, 2012 at 6:15 am
mrsharris2012
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Alot of good insights ladies! TimilyL I agree with you  "I don't believe that a man has to break himself (or whoever buys the ring) to show a woman that he loves her (or whichever partner buys the ring if we're talking about a same sex couple), but the ring is a significant part of the engagement.  Even if it's only symbolic."


I think that because society symbolizes a ring with an engagement thus the importance of one having one when announcing an engagement is so expected! However we all know that the ring does not make a marriage! There are many circumstances that are understandable and acceptable for someone to plan a wedding without a ring! Like I mentioned before we got engaged 6 months into our relationship and he proposed without a ring! We went looking at rings the very next day though and when he chose one he had to take some time to pay it off! So I didnt get it until our anniversary which was 6 months later! It seemed that the few people we told we were engaged all asked...wheres the ring? wheres the ring? So it kind of made us stop talking about it until I had my ring and he made it official so to speak! But regardless..the whole point here is ring or not..there has to be a proposal! I think we all agree on that point!


After I started this thread I asked my sister if they had been discussing marriage and if he had proposed and she said yes they have discussed it but no he hasnt really said "Will you marry me?" yet! So I told her that ring or not after he proposes then I will be more than happy to help her plan her wedding. But prior to that event happening I think its pointless to plan anything!


Thanks for all the input ladies! So great to be able to get opinions about a subject that can be kinda sticky and no one get upset!

Posted on September 26, 2012 at 6:23 am
GerriStephen
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In this case, a no go. They are just now starting to rekindle something from two years ago, that does not equal let's get married and start planning a wedding.......this may scare him away.

Posted on September 26, 2012 at 8:02 am
Mrs.Hodder
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It's nice to play dream day and start collecting idea's but it's unreasonable to ask someone to plan your wedding when nothing is official. It sounds pretty immature and selfish to me, I agree with how you handled it

Posted on September 30, 2012 at 5:03 pm

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