Poll: would you invite one of your friends that your FI does not like?

Long Story Short:  I have a work colleague who used to be a good friend. I have distanced myself from this person because of drama that she creates. We are still friendly but we no longer hang out as we used to.


My FI was consulting for her on a project and he told her something in confidence about a work project. he sometimes handles hazardous materials- which  WE agreed he would cut back on  doing (he simply makes more money doing it but we agreed he would cut down the activity)  and he told HER that he was considering a large project of this nature. 


She told me and I got very upset with him. It has caused a rift-  they no longer speak. I hold him responsible, though I am over it.  I know she presented it to me in the most dramatic way possible, which did not help the situation. At the time, I was VERY pissed at him.


 


So now-  it is time to make our guest list for an elopement celebration. i feel I need to include her and he doesn't want her there. I think he has to 'suck it up' in this situation because he was in the wrong. I have honored his feelings up until now (not inviting her to our parties, only seeing her for lunch w/o him  etc)  but I feel this celebration will be too big a snub and she is a colleague  (we don't work together, but she is in my industry and can and has referred clients to me)


 


what would you do?

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 3:16 am
theDame
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(10) Comments

prbetsi75
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oooh....that's a tough one.  I probably would choose not to invite her.   If it was your birthday party or something just for you, then I would say, tough for him.  But this celebration is about the two of you, so if he really does not want her there, I don't think she should be. 


And I must add, it was not her place to tell you about that project IMO.  It sounded like he was just considering the large project, entertaining the idea, but he hadn't yet decided.  And perhaps he would ultimately have decided not to or perhaps he would've eventually spoken to you about it.  She should have stayed out of it.

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 3:23 am
WMforever
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that IS a tough one. I would talk to him and tell him how big of a snub it would be to her and how it may affect your working relationship (she may stop reffering clients). See if he budges. If not, then I would agree with betsi and not invite her. Its a celebration of your unity and she actually contributed to a row (even though it was HIS fault) therefore shouldn't be there.

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 3:44 am
Chery2b
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I would choose not to invite her. However, I think it depends on the kind of wedding you want and are going to have. I personally, wanted to invite only people that we really had a connection with and that we know will be with us, helping us develop and loving us throughout our lives--but that kind of a wedding  is a great luxury...and there are people you must and should invite. Unfortunately, I can not afford that luxury and will be inviting people, I don't care too much about. Obviously, your call but if I could avoid the dramatic people and talkers---I would leave them out. good luck!

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 5:23 am
jharks
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Sorry to disagree with everyone, but I would invite her. She will be one person at a large party, he won't even have to talk to her. If you feel bad about snubbing her, and think it could negatively affect your career, then you need to invite her. Plus, your FI can get mad about it because all she did was tell his finance that he was considering doing something dangerous.

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 5:40 am
theDame
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Thanks Ladies for your input.


Prbetsi:  that's a good idea to have invited her to my bday but that's past AND there have been numerous things I have left her out of because he objected.


And why I blame him:  he should not have been discussing anything of importance with another woman. period.  I agree she shouldn't have told me and again as she is a drama queen she made a BIG deal out of 'I need to see you, I have something you need to hear face to face'  but he was wrong in confiding in someone else or if he was going to confide in someone else, tell one of his own friends. 


 


Chery:  I have felt the same that  I didn't want to make him uncomfortable but because of who else is invited; if I don't include her-  I'll feel uncomfortable in subsequent work dealings and I feel its his turn to 'understand'


 


and WM:  I think I'll just explain it to him that way and make him know that I am considering his feelings BUT this time, he needs to consider mine


 


Thanks!  I'd welcome any POVs!

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 5:41 am
jackieg
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we have people on our list that i'm not crazy about either...but like harkins says...i won't have to spend  waste time on her!

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 5:48 am
MissQnomore
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i agree w/jharkins.  i'm not sure why i feel i would invite her, but i would.  why make a bigger deal out of it (esp if it will affect your work life).  explain to fi your reasons and if he doesn't agree, maybe you can offer to compromise on something (or someone) for him.  like jackie, we have some people on our list who i'd prefer not to be there so i just won't "spend" time with them.


does she know why she's been phased out?


if you do end up inviting her, i'd try and have a chat with her as well.  she may see it as an intro into hanging out with you again, and unless that's what you want, i'd present it to her as "you know we've had some issues in the past, but this is an important moment for me and i'd like you to be there." or something...

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 5:59 am
theDame
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Sorry Jharkins-  we must have been typing @ the same time!  I feel the same way you do


Jackie:  my celebration is small but yeah there are always obligatory invites!


MissQ:   actually this might be part 2:  she and I had a problem a few years back before this incident with my FI.   years ago, she had an ex- BF  (she dated him 5 years before) . He and I met thru her and he wanted to ask me out. I told him, he needed to check with her 1st.  He did and she was very vicious about it. We discussed her actions/words @ the time and she never acknowledged any wrong doing; it was then that I began to pull away. Up until that point, we probably hung out @ least once a week. Now, we speak once a month or so and I can't remember the last time I did anything with her. She has invited me to several events which I have not attended.


based on that, I don't think she'd understand why she is on the 'out ' list now. Also, based upon the past, I don't want to get into it with someone who won't accept responsibility.  I'll invite her, if I do, and leave it @ that. I don't think she'll question anything


 


ok, all of that made sense to me-  did it make sense reading it?!  :-)

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 7:20 am
MissQnomore
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sheesh sounds like (even though it was prompted by fi)... that you did the right thing phasing her out of your life.  ya why cause more drama, just invite her. maybe she won't even come??

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 8:49 am
kells76
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Marriage is all about compromise... as much as that may suck.

Posted on July 24, 2008 at 3:16 pm

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