Project Marriage

You know, we may already have a "group" for this but something occurred to me today.  This site is dedicated to everything weddings: the proposal, the rings, the cake, the bridal party, the reception, the food, the gifts, the honeymoon, the dress, etc., etc.  I don't know about everyone else, but I am a little fearful that my "wedding" may be overshadowing my "marriage".  Let me explain.  I love my fiance and I am certain that he loves me.  We intend on spending the rest of our natural lives together, in sickness and in health, good times or bad.  But I don't want to get so focused on the wedding that I forget about what we are committing to.  I have been so busy organizing the linens and ordering the cake and the food and making sure I get in shape to fit into my dress that I feel sort of guilty for not putting as much (if not more) time and effort into making sure that my MARRIAGE is just as fabulous.  I am going to be sharing my life with this one person forever!  My heart literally skips a beat everytime I think about it.  Don't get me wrong, its a great nervous feeling but its also a little overwhelming.  Am I getting cold feet?  No, I just take the prospect of getting married and the institution of marriage very seriously.  So the question I have for us today is not what colors we are using or what food we are serving or what we favors we are giving to our guests, but rather, what are the things that each of us are doing to ensure that our MARRIAGES our an even greater and more beautiful success than our WEDDINGS? 

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 3:57 am
oreomaximus
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oreomaximus

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(35) Comments

Sankofa24
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01/01/0001
Sankofa24

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DirtyMartini said something that resonated with me.


Make a conscious choice to love each other every day..no matter what.

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:03 am
oreomaximus
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06/19/2010
oreomaximus

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oh...I forgot to add, I would ESPECIALLY like to hear from those PWers that have already tied the knot.  How are things going so far?

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:03 am
lcornish1
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06/20/2010
lcornish1

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Wow, that makes one think!


I agree with you wholeheartedly, in the planning process, me and my laptop, had become almost best friends, once i realized how much time i was spend browsing, even cooking was put on the backburner, one day i just woke up, (realized the threads on PW arent going anywhere) now once he walks thru the door, laptop is put away, and its our time.I know he loves attention, and i ensure that our evenings after work, are just that "OUR" evenings.


In the marriage, most couples only go to counseling when soemthing is astray, I feels couples should go every now and then just for a "tune up", to ensure the right path is being taken, and definitely my goal is not to let the day to day monotny  take over our relationship, most of us women are content with the day to day, some men need more, treat it like a PT job,maybe Ft put as energy into it, as you would anything else


 

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:12 am
lcornish1
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06/20/2010
lcornish1

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lcornish1

Double post.

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:12 am
oreomaximus
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06/19/2010
oreomaximus

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I like that.  I'm glad that love is not equal to like.  There are days when I literally want to do something very bad to him....esp when he drapes his dirty clothes all over everything!!! Ughhhhhh!!!! LOL

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:13 am
PSA
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04/03/2010
PSA

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PSA

FI and I addressed this issue before we got engaged--thorough counseling and even now we are reading and continuing to learn about ourselves and living together forever.


I've always said, planning a wedding is fun--but sometimes people forget marriage is forever and saddly some of our PW ladies will end up divorced in a few years.

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:21 am
jbl04d
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06/20/2009
jbl04d

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I didn't know there was a "group" for this, I need to join!


Marriage is really great, but it does require effort. The biggest challenges for us so far have been jointly budgeting our money, and splitting household chores. It just takes some adjustments, but well worth it = )

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:21 am
oreomaximus
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06/19/2010
oreomaximus

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@lcornish: I'm glad you said that.  My FI has literally been begging me to spend some time with him, saying that all I do is stay glued to the internet all the time and then don't get home til 11:00pm because I've been running all around all day meeting with this person and that re wedding plans.  That's not fair.  I need to do better.  I don't want him to feel like this wedding is more important than US.  I mean, I know that a certain amount of commitment is required to plan a wedding but I just don't want to lose perspective.  The wedding is important, yes, but the marriage (and a successful one) is waaaaayyy more important and is ultimately, the goal. The wedding afterall, is just a party.

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:25 am
oreomaximus
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06/19/2010
oreomaximus

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@jbl04d: I don't think there's a group...I thought there may have been but I looked around and I don't think there is.


Joint finances...don't get me started.

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:26 am
Ghana_Bride
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10/10/2009
Ghana_Bride

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Checkout this thread that was started by TheBlueBride


She posted this advice on marriage wisdom


*edit*  this works for us, it may not work for you.  the point is that we must compromise. 


1.  It's ok to go to bed angry sometimes.  I had a hard time accepting that we are going to disagree and argue at times.  I wanted to fix everything right then and there.  Sometimes, its ok to go to bed mad because a good night's sleep always helps to cool things off and put things into perspective. Men often need space and we need to approach issues when we are not in a state of high emotion. 


2.  You can't do it all yourself.  This includes cleaning the house, paying the bills, or any other thing that requires the two of you.  If I tried to keep everything about our world perfect (i.e. clean house) then I would quickly be burned out.  Once I learned that he honestly didn't know what needed to be done and all I had to do was ask, I stopped resenting the fact that I was doing everything on my own.


3.  30 minutes together, 30 minutes apart.  My DH and I agreed that we will spend 30 minutes of our evening giving each other our undivided attention --no phones, no t.v., etc... and we will also give each 30 minutes to decompress on our own.  I usually check PW or work on a craft project and he plays video games.  It's all about balance.


I'm sure that DH and I have many more growing pains to go through but I wanted to start a dialogue that talks about the meat and potatoes of why we're all here.  So how about you, what wisdom can you share?


See more on the actual thread


http://www.projectwedding.com/post/list/marrieds-real-marraige-advice-for-pw-ers


 

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:32 am
oreomaximus
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oreomaximus

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@ghana-bride:  I love it! Especially #2.  It's amazing to discover couples that have the same issues as yourself.  I am def going to write that one down.  Communicate!!

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 4:37 am
GatorBride
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05/02/2009
GatorBride

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Wonderful topic - and so true for many couples planning weddings that the marriage gets lost in the shuffle.
Our marriage has been great so far - exciting and comfortable all at the same time. The way we held onto that was to always stay connected while planning. We didn't talk about the wedding any more than was absolutely necessary, and we never let it be the only thing we had to look forward to.
That was easier for us since we didn't let our wedding break the bank. For some couples, all extra funds go to the wedding, so it limits their ability to do nice things for and with each other during the planning period.
Also, the feel of our wedding was decidedly casual, so I'm sure that helped take some of the pressure off of the process so that it didn't consume our thoughts at every moment we had together.
I think our marriage has been pretty much smooth sailing so far bc we didn't feel the need to immediately start changing everything in our lives bc "we're married now." We did buy a house, but we aren't trying for babies; and we haven't tried to change our lives or one another to fit expectations placed on married couples, if that makes any sense.
Posted on November 3, 2009 at 5:25 am
Lovely2B
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09/20/2009
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Things are going GREAT! I'm am so happy to be married to my honey. I love living with him. We didn't live together before the wedding so everything is very new and exciting. I love going to bed with him at night and waking up to him in the morning. Our wedding was just an expression of the love we have for each other. We have the same small irritations that we had before getting married (his forgetfulness and my tardiness) but I LOVE being married to him. I didn't feel bad about putting time into my wedding. It doesn't mean that you won't continue putting time into your marriage after your wedding. The two are not mutually exclusive. Your wedding is a fun way to celebrate your love just like you would celebrate a birthday, baby shower, reunion, or anything else, except it's specifically celebrating the love that you've found. I enjoyed my wedding and my relationship and I'm now enjoying married life. Enjoy it all!!! :)


P.S. IMHO, people who have relationship problems would have had them regardless of having a wedding. The problems were there before the wedding and will be there after the wedding, unless they're worked out.

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 6:33 am
oreomaximus
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oreomaximus

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Very good posts...keep em coming!

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 6:47 am
tkclark
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12/06/2009
tkclark

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We found that the "wedding" was over shadowing our relationship.... so we make a conscious effort to NOT let this happen by basically having one on one time and talk about everything other than wedding stuff....


 


One of the things that we heard in our recent Engagement weekend was "loving someone is a choice" you don't fall out of love, love doesn't disappear...we make the mental choice to let it go.....we can also make the mental choice to love even when people and situations are at the worse.


 


I choose to love FI...even when I don't sometimes like him....

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 7:48 am
tgdtobe
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11/07/2009
tgdtobe

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Ditto tkclark.  I sometimes think, "that man!  ooh."  But, those small irritations should never change my love for him because liking someone is about feeling, loving someone is about choice.


For anyone who hasn't already seen my advice on this, I highly recommend the book the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  It will help your relationship immensely!

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 7:58 am
mcdanieltobigelow
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02/29/2012
mcdanieltobigelow

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We don't really discuss our wedding at all.  When we do, it's a guick discussion about it.  Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the wedding that I just get mad about it and then I realize it's all about FI and I, so why am I even stressing?  It will all work out, right?  Pretty much, wedding planning has become a hobby for me, sort of like cars and bmx is for him.  We bond over it and we both get excited but we make sure it isn't on our minds 100% of the time.  I'm glad we've waited so long to get married but it gives us that extra time to bond, and just relax in the planning process.  FI and I both understand that if we plan on being together for the rest of our lives, then what's the big rush to have the wedding?  The only difference between us being together know and us being married is a piece of paper, so we're taking it slow and focusing on us, every step of the way.

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 7:58 am
GoingtobeGoff
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05/14/2009
GoingtobeGoff

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DH and I had our "scare" during the first time around in planning our wedding for May 08.  We were shaken to our core, and just about split up.  I realized that I was putting too much effort and focus into the details of ONE DAY.  Not even the most important day.  And not enough focus into our future and relationship. 


The second time around for planning our may 09 wedding went MUCH better.  We didn't hardly fight/disagree/etc.  It was a relief to know what/where our focus' were. 


I've learned that love is a choice.  Every morning I wake up, I choose to love him.  Even if I'm mad at him.  Anger, frustration, etc are all emotions and will change like the wind; love is not an emotion, it's a choice.


I've learned that unity is key.  there are many couples out there who are not living in unison with each other.  This deams a couple ineffective in their path/life/future.  It also will cause troubles maybe not instantly, but down the road, those little "differences" between the two people will become canyons.


Our marriage is AMAZING.  I have no other word for it.  Yes, we "fight" once in a while, but overall, for the year that supposed to be the worst and hardest, ours has been a blessing and wonderful time! 


Living with him now is the best thing EVER.  I still cannot believe that he doesn't have to "go home" at night, or drive me home.  We're just there.  together!  It's awesome. 


We haven't had problems with finanaces or chores or anything like that... our finanaces doubled on May 14 ;)  So life is WAY easier now.  We are working on getting out of debt (yay!!) and putting money into savings. 


DITTO!!! Lovely2B: "P.S. IMHO, people who have relationship problems would have had them regardless of having a wedding. The problems were there before the wedding and will be there after the wedding, unless they're worked out."  SOOOOO TRUE!!

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 8:05 am
soon2blewis
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soon2blewis

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I set aside a couple hours a night when he is home to work on the plan where I can try to include him...After those hours have passed, the computer is turned off and I focus on us and our kids...

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 8:25 am
genae
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05/16/2009
genae

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Marriage is great, our relationship is even better then when were dating. We have 100% trust, very important. Hubby (Keith) is a wonderful father, husband & provider. We have quality time as a family & as a couple. We have me time so he can have time to his self as well as my own time. He's a home body, so if I want to have a cocktail with the girls he doesnt mind. We take turns cooking & go shopping together for grocerys. Were happy..

Posted on November 3, 2009 at 8:37 am
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