PW Guide Article: Wedding Issues: Dealing with Problem Bridesmaids

apax submitted an article for the Project Wedding Guide.

Wedding Issues: Dealing with Problem Bridesmaids

Bridesmaids can be the source of major drama in your wedding. Here's how to avoid the stress.

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Posted on December 31, 2009 at 7:00 pm
breedani77
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08/08/2010
breedani77

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(35) Comments

breedani77
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08/08/2010
breedani77

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I was so relieved when I read this! I thought I was going crazy and was the only bride to be that had an issue with my maid of honor. She is actually my best friend but I've been engaged now for 6 months and will marry in another 6 months. She has never even talked to me about the wedding. I asked her to be my MOH and she gladly accepted with excitement. After a few months went by I told her I was wondering if she wanted to back out because I felt she wasn't really into it. She said no and apologized for being so distant. Things have never changed. She still never mentions my wedding planning, or anything! Help! I want all the fun memories of girltime and wedding planning. And I don't want to allow her to take them from me. What do I do? Any thoughts would help. Thanks!

Posted on December 31, 2009 at 7:00 pm
amanda6033
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05/15/2010
amanda6033

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I think about 1/2 of PW is in this boat. There were a bunch of threads about it. Overall concensus: vent here, take a future inlaw/insibling w/you for the fun stuff.

Posted on December 31, 2009 at 7:28 pm
shaista
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08/14/2010
shaista

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i am starting to really get annoyed with my bridesmaids. they never want to help out with anything, they think that by checking their iphone and giving me a phone number they are doing more than enough. plus i asked them to pay for their outfit whch i will get when i go to india so its much cheaper and they are still complaining. i mean it 60 dollars for your friends wedding, they dont think twice about paying cover at clubs every weekend and paying expensive dinner bills but this they complain about. it makes me wonder if ive made a mistake and if i really need bridesmaids at all.

Posted on January 7, 2010 at 7:18 am
Tmanor1
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08/15/2010
Tmanor1

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I'm actually having problems with all of my bridesmaids. None of them are helping me at all. They don't live nearby and they don't even want to hear about the wedding over the phone. My best friend of 16 years doesn't want to wear the dress that the other 3 girls agreed to. No one will go with me to try to pick out my dress. All I get from them is "I'm sure whatever you pick will be nice." I'm doing the planning all by myself. No one else seems to care at all. Even my fi and my mother aren't helping.

Posted on January 9, 2010 at 12:36 am
valade
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06/04/2010
valade

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 I am very lucky. My 2 flower girls were easy and my moh agreed straight away ( moh is 1 of the flower girls mum and the other flower girl is my daughter ), I told my moh to pick a dress she is comfortable in and will wear again, my colour scheme is gold and ivory. We couldnt find 1 but found 1 in a really nice pink ( light ), so we put it all together and it really looks nice :-). It was in the sale and she paid for it herself which I am very greatful for.

Posted on January 13, 2010 at 2:16 am
SassQueen18
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10/02/2010
SassQueen18

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My MOH is fantastic! He's actually my "man of honor" not my "maid of honor" but he shares my vision and sometimes knows what I'd like before I even know what I want to see!  He's great.  But my bridesmaids are not being so great... One of them is a great friend my my MOH and myself, so he is good about keeping her in check.  The other two are my FHs sisters.  I LOVE THEM outside of wedding things, but they are SO different than me.  And they are pushy and opinionated (both traits I appreciated outside of this event).  I have always wanted sisters, and this is my chance, but part of me says, "it's MY wedding..." and if I want green dresses, damnit, you're going to wear green dresses!! It's my FAVORITE COLOR!


Okay, I let it out...

Posted on January 13, 2010 at 2:24 am
a2001bug
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08/21/2010
a2001bug

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my MOH is great, my one bridesmade just wanted something off a rack like at dress barn, told her that it was not the look im going for cause it will look cheap and no one will match and i wanted everyone in the same dress, me and my MOH went back to davids bridal with out the other girls and got the dress i wanted and it was on sale.

Posted on January 14, 2010 at 10:54 am
StefM
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05/01/2010
StefM

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When I first asked my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids they were really excited and asked what that would entail.  I told them I wasn't sure because I hadn't been to a lot of weddings before.  My MOH has been in a lot of recent weddings so I thought she would be good to compare vendors and she would have a lot of info but she was just like "whatever you want" and I was frustrated because that seemed non committal to me.  My Fi was not very helpful at the beginning either.  So I started to research and put my own stuff together.  Once I got an idea of what I wanted, I asked my MOH specific vendor questions (do you have the number of a DJ?) and I got all the quotes.  Once an apt was booked my FI was excited to go, but it takes making the plans first.  All my married friends say that guys are like that.  They are very non committal at first because they have no idea how much planning it is, but a month before they get involved and start understanding.


I expected them to give me feedback too, but everyone was like "oh whatever you want is fine"  which is just their way of being supportive.  It's way better then opinionated bridemaids or worse mother in laws who have to have things their way.  With your FI, what is important to him? If it's the music, let him help make that decision.  If he's not helping at all, maybe he just needs something to do.


My advice is 1. state clearly what you want.  With my dresses I just told them they were the dresses.  My bridesmaid was unsure of what it would look like and if she could wear it again and so I changed the color to black.  No problems. If you want to pick out flowers with them, ask them to come.  If they can't come, ask your FI.  It's your and his wedding anyways. If you want them to throw a party for you, tell them that's what you want.  Sometimes they don't know they are hurting you.  They just don't understand their role. 2. GIve them specific things to do.  My MOH got to pick the dresses out.  She is planning my shower.  Let them own something and give you feedback.  3.  Don't always talk about the wedding.


It's one day.  Yes, it's your day, but it's also one day so put it in perspective.  You're getting married... for life!  When you get stressed about making every detail perfect just relax and realize that when it's all over, no one will be talking about the cut of the bridemaid dresses or the flowers.  They will be talking about how beautiful YOU look.  How happy they are for you.  And you will go home to a husband and you will wake up to just another day. 


 

Posted on January 17, 2010 at 9:39 am
fzara
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09/04/2010
fzara

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i want to have 5 bridesmaids (including the MOH) so far i only have two, MOH and 1 bridesmaid. i asked a friend of mine and she said she has another wedding she has to attend just about the same time as mine. i dnt want any drama on my wedding so im taking time to choose my bridesmaids..wisely lol


 

Posted on January 28, 2010 at 7:53 pm
ahammann
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09/18/2010
ahammann

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Having been a bridesmaid a few times, some brides can be real egomaniacs.  The bridesmaids deserve to feel pretty too.  My maids are wearing black dresses - any dress their little hearts desire because I actually like my friends and understand money doesn't grow on trees.  Every woman has a LBD they feel fabulous in, and after the ceremony, they can feel like a wedding guest and not some hideous vision in whatever-ugly-color-you-like-and-don't-care-if-they-even-look-good-in.  If you force them to wear a specific dress, you should buy it - if you can't afford it, perhaps you should take your maids' opinions into consideration.  Finances can be a real issue, and brides forget how much all the trappings of attending a wedding can cost - in particular brides with a seemingly unlimited budget.  Regarding slacking, you are asking them to show up at your wedding and support you and your future husband - not address 400 invitations or make 200 salads or host an expensive bachelorette party in Vegas.  Keep the zilla in check or you may end up lonely after your "perfect" wedding.  Just a few words of wisdow from a seasoned bridesmaid who is now a bride.  I am sure this describes none of you, but it is worth looking at your maids' stress from their vantage point too - these are people you are supposed to love - not torture!

Posted on February 11, 2010 at 7:07 am
heatherfine
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09/18/2010
heatherfine

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I broke the cardinal rule.... I took my girls with me to Davids Bridal and let them choose the dresses. I showed them the two that I liked for them, and let the choice be theirs. All the ettiquette books say not to do that, because there will be too many opinions. I wanted their input, and my girls are great. They tried on each of the dresses, and all fell in love with the one I was hoping they would like!! I am one lucky bride.

Posted on February 11, 2010 at 9:51 am
WeddingBella
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06/26/2010
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Wow, it sounds like everyone is having issues with BM and/or MOH.  I actually thought long and hard about what I wanted my BM to wear.  I made a list of what had bothered me in the past about being a BM: "dictated" hairstyles, makeup, shoes, and dresses which photographed beautifully, but were $200+ glorified costumes.  I was polite and did what the bride asked me to do...and decided that for my wedding, I was going to take into consideration a lot of things. 


I went to David's Bridal and found a wrinkle-resistant black jersey gown with charmeuse detail. It is easy on the eyes and wallet (only $145 for the dress; I've paid up to $400 for dresses). It flattered everyone's figure (my BMs and tall & skinny, short & heavier, and in-between), and I like that the dress is comfortable (ie: is not a skin-tight, light-reflecting, easily-wrinkled satin two piece gown that will NEVER be worn again). 


They can wear their hair and makeup any way they want, as long as it's not an Ami Weinhouse Beehive haha.  Also they can wear any black shoe they want (everyone has a pair of nice black shoes.  I once had to buy a pair of VERY uncomfortable silver shoes...)


That being said, remember that it is YOUR day, and you should do what you want.  If you love lavendar, then your BM should respectfully wear the gown you chose.  But do remember that it is really ONE day.  Try to keep things in perspective and realize that your MOH and BMs have lives outside of wedding planning, and that their pockets aren't bottomless pits.


And if you hate the BM dress?  Donate it to a charity organization: your "nightmare" dress could potentially be an under-privledged girl's "dream prom dress." :)


 

Posted on February 21, 2010 at 1:31 am
Outlawheart81
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10/30/2014
Outlawheart81

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Long story, but i wish the problems with one of my brides maids was simply dress stuff, though she complains about that too. Suddenly we just aren't clicking. Our friendship is a sort of complicated one. I think i may ask that she step down, but her husband is my fi's best man. She's driving me nuts though. Not sure what to do.
Posted on March 1, 2010 at 7:58 am
kdwj1993
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08/27/2010
kdwj1993

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I am buying my bridesmaids dresses, and they are all different -- the same color scheme, but I want their dresses to reflect their personalities as well.  So, I have one dress that I'm matching the other dresses with, and taking them each shopping individually.  I have two purchased and two to go.  Our wedding is in October, so I've chosen the color and their dresses are all going to be a dark brown color.  Although they all won't be exactly the same color, there is one dress that has all of the other colors in it (purchased at Dillards) that will coordinate with all of the other dresses.  Our wedding is somewhat non-traditional on one hand, but at the same time will be very elegant. 

Posted on March 5, 2010 at 6:10 am
summer1987
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02/05/2011
summer1987

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Man reading all of these horror stories is making me glad i decide just my sister and thats it. I had friends i could and would have loved to have in it but also a nighmare cousin who offends people left right and center without even knowing it, she is also a drama queen who would likely pick the morning of the wedding to pull a fit. Ah so much drama escaped!!!  Now I just have to come up with something for her to do!

Posted on March 10, 2010 at 8:32 am
bballgirl8789
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06/18/2011
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bballgirl8789

I am having some trouble with my bridesmaids.  I am trying to find modest bridesmaid dresses, but that are also on the inexpensive side. I found one that I love that would look good on all my bridesmaids (they range from sizes 2-16 and heights 4'11"-5'10'), they are $145.  Two of my bridesmaids are irritated, because they say that is expensive, but I have been looking around and that is actually on the cheaper side.  So I am a bit frustrated, because I don't want strapless or spaghetti strap dresses.  I don't really know what to do.  Am I being a brideszilla?


Posted on March 28, 2010 at 5:58 pm
LauriMidori
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01/29/2011
LauriMidori

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Is there an article on dealing with problem in-laws??? My BM's are fantastic, it's my FMIL and FFIL that are driving me crazy!!!

Posted on March 28, 2010 at 6:14 pm
abrad99
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06/12/2010
abrad99

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I am making my bridesmaid dresses. they are called infinity dresses. you can wear them an infinite different ways so every woman is happy. they are very simple to make. a skirt with 2 long straps to wrap any way you like. very inexpenseive as well. google it! and be amazed!

Posted on March 30, 2010 at 11:46 am
melliejo
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10/02/2010
melliejo

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I am def. going thru a crazy time with my fiances family as well!

Posted on March 30, 2010 at 9:48 pm
JennK
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07/10/2010
JennK

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my wedding is coming up i May and i am having major issues.  we ended up moving last year and our whole wedding paty is in a different province.  wihout having that issue, one of my bridesmaids decided she was moving to Newfoundland (I live in Saskatoon) and can't be my bridesmaid anymore.  thats allfine except SHE NEVER TOLD ME!  i heard from another bridesmaid of mine and it's been 3 months and i haven't even talked to her.  i figured she should be the one t call me.  because my fiance didn't want to disclude a groomsman, and chose my sister and when i went to order her dress, it turns out the color of the dress all of the other bridesaids were wearing was discontinued.  in fact, we opted for a different style and same colour but it turns out the entire colour in all brands is discontinued.  instead, i am going for the accent colour for her which means she will be the only one.  also, they were having some trouble with it and it seems i may not get the dress until less than a week before the wedding.  talk about stressed!  on top of that, all of my bridesmaids are wanting me to come down constantly and talk about the wedding and so forth and fit a shagette party n there some where.  i work two jobs, 7 days a week and it is VERY hard to get time off!  especially with me taking so much time off for the wedding.  i have discussed this with them and it feels like i am doing all the work at attepting to communicate and come out while they do nothing to even attempt to visit me.  not to mention all of them have weekends off.  now, i am told that none of my bridesmaids will be out until the Friday night before my weddn which means they will get there jus before the rehearsal, at 8 pm, and that means i will be decorating alone.  is it just me over-reacting or is my wedding plans seriously going down the drain?  i so want a less stressful wedding and i would love the help and support of the people i chose in my wedding party but, am i just asking for too much????  :(

Posted on May 4, 2010 at 4:43 pm
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