The PAST came knocking at my door yesterday

I'm sorry that this is going to be long. I need to get it off my chest and then I can feel better. About a week ago my mother sent me a facebook message telling me my high school sweetheart had messaged her and asked if she was my mother. A few days later she asked me if i sent him a message yet. I said NO I have nothing to say to him. He and I were never married, no children together and never had intercourse (sorry)


The story is I lost a son in 1990 at 6 months old. He was with me during this time but after the funeral my mother ran him off because she didn't like how I was grieving. In 1994 I lost another son. Just two weeks after my second son's death he came back into my life. We spent about a week together but lived in different states. We made arrangements for me to drive to where he lived and get him and his belongings to come be with me. I showed up he didn't and I didn't hear from him for 18 years until he contacted my mother. I buried it all because it was the only way I could move on.


I didn't know if I wanted to dredge it all up again but I knew I had unfinished business and unanswered questions that I had waited for 18 years to get. I've blamed my mother for 18 years as well for pushing him out of my life. On Thursday last week he sent me a face book message asking me if I remembered him. I didn't respond because I still didn't know if I was going to. I told my FI about all of this as it was happening. Yesterday I decided this was something in my life that I needed closure on and even though I know the answers I would get wasn't going to be satisfying enough I still needed to know why. The pain ran much deeper than I had realized. I cried alot yesterday.


My FI and I had a very lengthy conversation about this yesterday and he was very concerned that I was still very hurt and he even told me it sounded like i needed to talk to the guy. He then asked me if this guy could take me away from him. My heart sank because maybe I should not have told him about this because I would never want to hurt him. I responded that there is no one or nothing anyone could ever do or say to take me away from him EVER. All my past relationships didn't work so that I could find my FI and for that I am so thankful.


I did end up sending the ex a message. I got a slew of excuses and apologies. He started bringing up moments we had with my first son while he was alive. He would mention details like how he remembers birthdays and our songs. How his class ring stone if the birthstone of my first son's. How he spent 11 years in the military and I was the beneficiary of his life insurance. How he has thought about me many times over the years and knew he should have been with me but wasn't man enough to stand up and fight for me. He of course then said he was married the last 20 years (which means he was married when he made arrangements to come back with me) to the worst woman ever.  So all of this just made me angry because I felt like he was trying to see if I was still vulnerable to him. I proceeded to tell him about my FI and how amazing he is and how happy I am finding the love of my life. He asked if we could be friends. Even if this was something I could accept within myself it wouldn't be fair to my FI.


I just needed to vent and get this out. Sorry it's so long. Now today I am wondering if telling my FI was what I should have done. I am more open with him than I have anyone in my life but I hate to think by hearing all this I have hurt him. He would never tell me if this hurt him. Today I am leaving for a 4 day weekend with my FI and I wonder if we should talk about this or just let it be unless he brings it up?


 

Posted on May 2, 2013 at 4:25 am
KimandByron
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04/25/2015
KimandByron

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(7) Comments

leni8
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07/13/2013
leni8

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I think you did well by telling your FI the whole thing! If it was me I would like to FI to tell me things like that and not keep secrets! And how much worst it would be if he found out by accident about this. Honesty and communication is the best way to go on everything and makes a good strong relationship! You did the best think!


I truly believe that you should talk to him again and tell him how the conversation with your ex gave you closure on a thing that was -and definitely is- well in the past. I think it will reassure him that everything in ok and there is nothing to worry about.


 

Posted on May 2, 2013 at 4:45 am
Sammy_D
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09/10/2011
Sammy_D

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Oh honey, HUGS!! What a thing to go through on top of the indescribable loss of your babies. I am so sorry.


I really think being open and honest with your FI is the best policy. It's okay that you had past relationships, and this was't your fault - it wasn't anything that you did or didn't do, this is just something from your past that needs closure and if your FI truly loves you (and he does!) then he will understand.


Sharing all of this with FI is, I think, the best way to deepen the trust and understanding in your relationship while working to heal old wounds.


If you feel the need to say something about all of this, to top it all off and end it while you are on your trip, then say something brief to reassure FI and leave it at that. No matter how strong our men are, none of them like being reminded of others! That's a man thing and it's okay.


Good luck!

Posted on May 2, 2013 at 4:45 am
MnP2013
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04/18/2014
MnP2013

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MnP2013

wooow! that is soooo much to take on!!! I suggest using this time away to assure your FI that he is the only one you want to be with and tell him that you will never bring up the ex guy again. Men have this ego that comes out once in a while (no matter how laid back he is) that someone is going to take what belongs to them.. I am so happy you let this go.. you got your answers and you know that the ex guy was NEVER faithful to you to begin with.. 20 years he was married and it has been 18 since you last saw him? no.. leave him alone.. delete all those messages on facebook (that site is detrimental to any relationship) and block him.. It sounds harsh but i am telling you, this is the only way you can assure your FI that you are completely over him and will never bring him up again.. also prayer works too. pray together to make sure your marriage stands the test of time and that you two will forever be together.. Hope that helps..

Posted on May 2, 2013 at 4:51 am
zeuster
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11/01/2011
zeuster

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zeuster

It seems to me this person that has come back into your life wants to bring up the past which from your post seems rather painful. Personally I would not remain friends with this person as it seems you will always have more questions than answers. I would send one final message saying its to painful to have all this dredged up and it would be too difficult to be friends. And yes telling your FI was the right thing to do. If you start off with secrets and lies it will only lead to more pain down the road. I would move on and be happy with FI and have a wonderful weekend.

Posted on May 2, 2013 at 4:52 am
janandgerald
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03/26/2016
janandgerald

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If he brings it up you should talk about it, but if he does not then show him as much love as you can on this 4 day trip reassuring him of you devotion and love for him. It seems as though the minute you find the love of your life past haunts show up. Remember he loves you for your honesty. So have a great 4 days and come back and tell us how wonderful it was.

Posted on May 2, 2013 at 4:55 am
KimandByron
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04/25/2015
KimandByron

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KimandByron

Thank you very much ladies. I just really needed to get this off my chest and get another woman's opinion. I have always told my FI I would always be brutally honest with him no matter what and I have been. I ended the conversation with the ex by telling him I now have the answers and explanations to finally close that chapter of my life and turn the page. I also told him I can't be friends with him it's just too much. I left it by saying "some wrongs can never be made right and some bridges can never be rebuilt. Have a happy life. " I have also asked that he not contact my mother again because she relays what he says to me. She is trying to make her wrong so many years ago right and it just can't be done. And my FI feels like she is trying to out him and I won't allow someone to make him feel like that. I am going to enjoy my time with my FI this weekend and make sure he knows he is and always will be the only one for me

Posted on May 2, 2013 at 5:06 am
beccabride
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10/10/2010
beccabride

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beccabride

I don't have anything to add except sending you (((((HUGS))))))!!!  Enjoy your FI this weekend and do nothing but relax!  :-)

Posted on May 2, 2013 at 5:57 am

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