The PAST came knocking at my door yesterday
I'm sorry that this is going to be long. I need to get it off my chest and then I can feel better. About a week ago my mother sent me a facebook message telling me my high school sweetheart had messaged her and asked if she was my mother. A few days later she asked me if i sent him a message yet. I said NO I have nothing to say to him. He and I were never married, no children together and never had intercourse (sorry)
The story is I lost a son in 1990 at 6 months old. He was with me during this time but after the funeral my mother ran him off because she didn't like how I was grieving. In 1994 I lost another son. Just two weeks after my second son's death he came back into my life. We spent about a week together but lived in different states. We made arrangements for me to drive to where he lived and get him and his belongings to come be with me. I showed up he didn't and I didn't hear from him for 18 years until he contacted my mother. I buried it all because it was the only way I could move on.
I didn't know if I wanted to dredge it all up again but I knew I had unfinished business and unanswered questions that I had waited for 18 years to get. I've blamed my mother for 18 years as well for pushing him out of my life. On Thursday last week he sent me a face book message asking me if I remembered him. I didn't respond because I still didn't know if I was going to. I told my FI about all of this as it was happening. Yesterday I decided this was something in my life that I needed closure on and even though I know the answers I would get wasn't going to be satisfying enough I still needed to know why. The pain ran much deeper than I had realized. I cried alot yesterday.
My FI and I had a very lengthy conversation about this yesterday and he was very concerned that I was still very hurt and he even told me it sounded like i needed to talk to the guy. He then asked me if this guy could take me away from him. My heart sank because maybe I should not have told him about this because I would never want to hurt him. I responded that there is no one or nothing anyone could ever do or say to take me away from him EVER. All my past relationships didn't work so that I could find my FI and for that I am so thankful.
I did end up sending the ex a message. I got a slew of excuses and apologies. He started bringing up moments we had with my first son while he was alive. He would mention details like how he remembers birthdays and our songs. How his class ring stone if the birthstone of my first son's. How he spent 11 years in the military and I was the beneficiary of his life insurance. How he has thought about me many times over the years and knew he should have been with me but wasn't man enough to stand up and fight for me. He of course then said he was married the last 20 years (which means he was married when he made arrangements to come back with me) to the worst woman ever. So all of this just made me angry because I felt like he was trying to see if I was still vulnerable to him. I proceeded to tell him about my FI and how amazing he is and how happy I am finding the love of my life. He asked if we could be friends. Even if this was something I could accept within myself it wouldn't be fair to my FI.
I just needed to vent and get this out. Sorry it's so long. Now today I am wondering if telling my FI was what I should have done. I am more open with him than I have anyone in my life but I hate to think by hearing all this I have hurt him. He would never tell me if this hurt him. Today I am leaving for a 4 day weekend with my FI and I wonder if we should talk about this or just let it be unless he brings it up?