The Worst of Both Worlds....

I am mere weeks out from my wedding and not in the best of places.


I find myself feeling almost stranded in the wedding planning process. My fiance, though well intentioned, is not the most organized of people.  He's not (nor has he ever been) detail oriented or understood the value of completing tasks on time.  He basically believes that since we have all of our vendors booked that the planning is done. I have tried breaking down his To DO list into small and manageable tasks but he consistently leaves things to the last minute or just not doing them leaving me to pick up the slack.


My bridesmaids, though all good friends, are not in the best place financially, so I haven't been relying on them much because of their many monetary restrictions.


My MOH has been completely and utterly amazing and supportive.  She thinks like me and is organized and on top of things, but lately she's been having health issues so I've been avoiding going to her because I want her to focus on getting better.


My FMIL has been trying to be helpful, the problem is she doesn't really have a concept of boundaries-or how to respect them, and neither does her husband. When they get an idea its very hard for them to let go of it, even when my fiance and I have told them nicely that what they've suggested is not what we want. On top of this, they are also well intentioned but very unorganized and terrible at planning, and like their son, usually leave tasks to the 11th hour.  They have been very persistant on a few issues which I thought was out of line considering they are paying by far the least for the wedding and their "suggestions" do not pertain to the portions of the wedding they are paying for.


What hurts the most though, is the complete lack of interest my own mother has shown in the progress.  I readily admit that I'm a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it, and can sometimes be hard to work with, but my mom has made zero attempt at being a part of the process. I have asked her to participate in two things, and both times she declined for absurd reasons, such as going to the cottage (which she does frequently) and going to a football game. She managed to come out to one florist appointment, but I honestly felt that this was due to feeling guilty for missing other events.  She left very abruptly after the appointment, declining an invitation to dinner with me and my fiance she had previously accepted. To be fair I did stop inviting her to events after this, because I felt like an obligation. I really feel that through the whole thing she has done the absolute minimum-just enough to say she did something. To date she hasn't even offered to help with anything on the day of the wedding.  After I receieve a call from a friend's mother offering help, I had had enough and confronted my mother. Her response was that I hadn't asked her to do anything.  I admitted that I wasn't sure how to approach her for help because she's made it very clear that my wedding is not a priority. She long ago stopped asking me how the planning was going, or how I was holding up. She doesn't even bother to call me any more, she simply fires me over a text message. This is how she told me that her, my Grandma and sister wouldn't be at my house with the photographer for the "getting ready" shots, because she felt more comfortable in HER home. The final straw was last night when she told me she hadn't enjoyed my wedding process at all, as she found it stressful. 


So I have one mother who can't be bothered and one who is over staying her welcome. I'm not even sure what to do at this point.  I told my mother that if this wedding was a burden that she didn't have to partake in it.  Truth be told I don't even want her there now.  All of the guests who are coming were people that we wanted there because they had played a supportive part in our lives.  We were very conscientious of not inviting people out of pity or obligation, and now I feel like my own mother falls into that category. Sad, but true :(

Posted on January 15, 2013 at 4:28 am
devilsadvocate
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IdoAgain20years
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IdoAgain20years

IdoAgain20years

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IdoAgain20years

My mother NEVER cared about what was going on in my life ever! When I was getting married she did nothing. She was even upset when I asked her about who sang a specific song.


Some parents just seem to lack general interest in their kids. Some are great. All I can say is that your mom is probably just unsure of what to do.


Have you sat down to talk with her without asking her to do something. Like just have lunch at her house or something?


My parents ARE NOT invited to our vow re-newal and the only thing my MIL is good for is making sure I add her people to the guest list even though she is not paying a single dime and not one has RSVP'ed so I cannot even get a head count!


I am about to tell them that I cancelled and just uninvite them too.


We are not doing this for anyone, but ourselves.


Maybe if you just did what I did and said if I want this I am going to do it because in the end it is us who want this a particular way. My husband does one thing he gives me his wallet. OK maybe I am being a little harsh. He does enjoy licking the bowl and eating the testing recipes. So he provides menu feed back which is important LOL


He also gives me encouragement. You know there are more guys who are not into wedding planning than those that are. They would be happy with a JP and a court house. They just want the honeymoon and you know what, that does make more sense. Yet, I am also planning a sort of fairy tale.


Enjoy the fact that you are able to get it all done because you are organized! You are strong and it will all come out just the way you want!


Blessings!


Bridie

Posted on January 15, 2013 at 4:49 am
devilsadvocate
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devilsadvocate

Thanks :)


I'm mostly confused because this is not like her.  We have never been super close, but she has always been at the very least supportive and involved. 


I did speak to her at the beginning of the planning and asked what she wanted to be involved in and what her expectations were.  She was of course very vague.  I know sometimes she is just trying to be accommodating but more often than not her efforts to not step on toes comes of as evasive and aloof-even indifferent.


What really gets to me is the flimsy excuses.  I get that people have lives and other commitments, but it astounds me that she couldn't put my wedding above a friggen football game. I've tried to walk that fine line of making sure she's included but not demanding all of her spare time. She hasn't been asked to do a lot by any means. In fact when I ran this by one of my bridesmaid she told me that in all honesty mine has been the easiest, most laid back wedding she's been involved in.


From the get go she's approached the whole thing half heartedly at most. When I asked her to get me the addresses for their invitees, she thumbed through her address book, and anyone whose contact wasn't in there, she left for me to have to hunt down. I asked her for a list of  who they wanted pictures with and her response was 'just the family I guess'. She made it seem as though she hadn't put the slightest thought into and that me even asking was a bother. When I asked her and my Dad to do a speech at the rehearsal dinner her response was "we're just going to say good luck and welcome [fiance's name] to the family, we don't need to say a lot." Again I just feel like every endeavour is bare-bones effort.


I'm not concerned about the day going my way, we have most things hashed out and they're the way I want them. I'm put off by my mother's behaviour.  She said she would be at the venue for "4ish" (they're supposed to be there at 4pm) which tells me that she has no intention of participating in the wedding day before this and that she may or may not bother to show up on time.  Seriously, who does that?! And who says to their daughter that their wedding process has been a bad experience? If you're stressed with something, say you're stressed and ask for help and leave it at that.


I'm sorry your mom took the hands-off route too, it can really take away from the experience and it just generally sucks.

Posted on January 15, 2013 at 7:40 am
IdoAgain20years
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IdoAgain20years

IdoAgain20years

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IdoAgain20years

Well,


I can say it is for the best that my mom has been hands-off my entire lifebecause it made it really easy not to involve her in any aspect of my life. For about 8 months now I have not seen nor talked to her. Mine is a very different situation and one that is unimportant to what you are going through.


I know that if my daughter were to get married I would be asking her what she wanted me to do. My daughter is a lesbian and most likely it will be the other girl and her mother making those kinds of decisions. You have no idea how sad that makes me. Not that she is a lesbian. I am very happy my daughter felt like she could tell me. That we can talk and I am involved in her life.


I love wedding things and a girl deserves to be spoiled if she wants to be. As a former MOH and BM I spoiled the brides to be. I did everything I could to help. I never complained and I never stepped on toes. I just wanted to be a part of their special day.


I would tell her that she HAS to be at the church ontime and that you will start without her.


My aunt was late to her sons wedding. She was trying to get ready and was worried abot every detail. It was her first child to get married. She was not like your mom, but lots of moms and dads are late.


I wish you the best and I pray everything will be perfect for your special day!


BTW I wish I could call her and tell her how she is missing out on some real bonding.


Blessings,


Bridie


 

Posted on January 15, 2013 at 8:25 am
Uhlease
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Uhlease

Uhlease

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Uhlease

@devilsadvocate, I'm so so sorry you're dealing with and let along being so close to your big day! It sounds like you've done everything you could even talking to her about it and it seems like maybe you two are on two different pages. You have been very good with letting it go and I hope all of this doesn't ruin your wedding day and marrying your best friend!! I have no advice, but to just enjoy the last few weeks with your FI and do as much as you can together to finish planning. Good luck!! HUGS!

Posted on January 15, 2013 at 8:34 am

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