Unwanted Guest: What to do

Sorry, its long.

There is a woman that I've been obligated to include in all wedding events. Unfortunately, she is a good friend of my FMIL. I've talked with FMIL about my feelings for this person, but it doesn't seem to get through. Instead, FMIL confronted her friend leading the friend to "apologize" by making up an excuse that she'd been drinking and that I should never take seriously what she says when she drinks. What?! Ya, when ppl drink they usually "spill the beans," and speak their mind. She was at our engagement party, she was at the bridal shower, and she'll be at the wedding. Every party and get together my FIL's have, she's there. I can't escape her. She's a very bitter woman that is unhappily married. She extremely pretentious and makes for very akward situations.

For better understanding here are a few of the many reasons why I'd rather not be around her (at all!):
-At the engagement party, she said to me regarding my FI and myself, "You two have way too much history, it'll never last."
-She recently asked my FI where the "calendar is with big black X's counting down to doom's day."
-She publicly pointed out and carried on and on about a very good family-friend's 15ct diamond ring. Yes, its that big, but really inappropriate & tacky to discuss publicly.
-She's a self-proclaimed "interior designer/decorator" (she's remodeled 3 houses of her own) and critisizes/degrades any of my work she comes in contact with...so unprofessional (I'm a certified & degreed Interior Designer with almost 10 years of experience and awards to back me).

All in all, she's a very negative and toxic person. I just can't get my FMIL to understand where I'm coming from. She makes excuses for her friend saying that she doesn't come from money so she doesn't always know how to act. Well, it sure doesn't take money to get manners or respect! My FI says that letting her get to me is like letting her win and I should just ignore it.

How should I handle this? Should I let it go and risk her saying or doing something out of line at the wedding? I can't stop thinking about her...ugghhhh.
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 8:59 am
its.nicsknack
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08/31/2008
its.nicsknack

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(11) Comments

SandP09
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03/14/2009
SandP09

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SandP09

Wow, what a tough situation. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Have you thought about having your FI speak to his mom about her? This is after all YOUR wedding and you should invite and be comfortable with whomever is there. She definitely sounds like a bitter woman.
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 9:10 am
ceejaydee7
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wow. thats hard.
and excuse my language but WHAT BEEYOTCH! hahaha

ok.. sad to say.. one of my BM's is very bitter too. who knows why.
i didnt realize it til we started wedding planning etc.

things would come out of her mouth that i would be taken back from hearing it. i for one am just dealing with it.. letting her be her bitter self and not letting it get to me. (which seems to be working)

honestly even if this lady says something rude or obnoxious at your wedding.. SHE will be the one looking stupid. all you can do is try your hardest for her to NOT be there. if she ends up going.. LET her make a fool of herself. im sorry you have to deal with this.

ill pray for the best for u!
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 9:12 am
champagnecholly
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09/19/2008
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champagnecholly

That is terrible and sadly I've known quite a few people like that. They're just bitter. Next time she says something like that, come back with a snide remark or frankly tell her such comments are inappropriate and walk away. But if she ever asks about doomsday again ask her if she has one counting down to her death and how long does everyone else have to wait until the blessed event.
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 9:19 am
ceejaydee7
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champ! ur so bad! HAHAHAHAHAHA ive never heard you like that before LOL
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 9:21 am
champagnecholly
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09/19/2008
champagnecholly

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champagnecholly

haha sorry ceejaydee. Its the New Yorker in me. The bad thing is that I manage to have impeccable timing with comments like that and I always feel badly afterwards haha oh well. I told FI he can never ever run for public office because I'll pull a Teresa Heinz Kerry by flicking off the press. I've always liked the Mrs. Astor approach, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me." Haha just kidding but honestly most people are mean and deserve it.
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 9:27 am
MissQnomore
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03/14/2009
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MissQnomore

lol camp you reminde me of "You've got mail"

I agree with champ though... since the lady seems aware that she says inappropriate things (whether it's when she's 'drunk' or not) then I say call her on it when it happens.

That being said, I completley understand that even if this helps you deal with it in the moment, that it's just added stress to think about her being somewhere, worrying about what she'll say, taking energy to avoid her etc. It doesn't sound like FMIL is going to erase her from her life, so unfortunately you may just have to put up with it.

To me, it would also be annoying that FI kinda shrugs it off. This is EXACTLY how my FI is. He figures if he can handle it, why should it get to me? And just b/c it gets to me, why is he in part reponsible for helping? gaaah

Sorry you have to deal with this. GL
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 9:37 am
Paddysgirl
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10/05/2008
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Paddysgirl

Oh, girl, I'm so sorry you even have to be thinking about this.

I totally agree with Champ. I'd just tell her she was being rude and if she wants to be a negative nelly, she can go tell it to someone else!

Honestly, I try to have compassion for people but sometimes it's hard. Really hard! My boss is kind of like you described. I really can't be in the same room with her for too long.

Good luck!
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 9:50 am
its.nicsknack
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its.nicsknack

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its.nicsknack

Hahaha! Champ, you are a true New Yorker :) I wish I had the wit for quick responses like that. I'm usually so put off by them that I just stand there in dismay!

CeeJay: You're right. She's the one making a fool of herself.

Ladies, thanks for adding some perspective to it. I definitely don't need to be focusing on some bitter lady that means nothing to myself or my FI. I don't think she'll be going anywhere for a long time. FMIL and I are very close, but this is the one thing we don't see eye to eye on.

MissQ: I think my FI is this way because is sister isn't all that different from this lady. He has a lifetime of experience dealing with someone born with a chip on their shoulder. Hahaha...in fact, FI's sister is in my bridal party (mostly by obligation) and she "didn't feel well" and didn't come to my bridal shower. Keep in mind that she was well enough to join us for a birthday dinner for the girlfriend of my FBIL the night before. She also conviniently knew she wasn't going to be "feeling well" because she sent my gift with her mom. That's a whole other topic....lol!

Ahhh, Padsy, I can't imagine working with or for someone like this.
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 10:00 am
d1rtymart1n1
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12/04/2009
d1rtymart1n1

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d1rtymart1n1

champ!! LOL!!!

oh nic--- i'm sorry you have to invite such a fun-sucker from wha'ts supposed to be a fun and joyful event!!

maybe have the cocktail waitstaff give her chocolate laxatives so she goes home early! keeeeding i'm keeeeeeding!
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 10:03 am
jess143
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09/19/2009
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jess143

maybe her invite will get "lost"in the mail?!
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 10:05 am
MissQnomore
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MissQnomore

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MissQnomore

nic- yeah. my FI is like this too b/c he's been surrounded by all sorts of women all his life, and is just generally a more patient and tolerant guy (how do you think he's able to marry me? ; )

he just doesn't see the point in getting worked up about a lot of things that i do. i usually adore this quality in him as he's able to calm me down. but sometimes i just want him to be angry with me...lol
Posted on May 20, 2008 at 10:21 am

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