venting

Back story: FI will be in Guam for 2-3 years. His ship is grounded til mid year, so we will have an opportunity to settle in together before he starts going out to sea again. So rather than waiting longer, we would marry as soon as possible. When FI proposed we immediately began to plan for a wedding here at home. He would have to travel here on his limited time off and we would have a small morning wedding followed by brunch for our families and closest friends. We quickly learned that since he was marrying me AFTER his orders to Guam,  my relocation would not be covered this time. We would have to move me on our own dime. I got quotes for relo to Guam- astronomical. He also needed a car once he got there. I got really sick and my insurance didn't cover a lot of the bills. We checked flights to/ from guam -$1400 to $1800 each. In our state he would have to be present to apply for the marriage license at least 3 days before the wedding. It was cutting it really close. It was getting stressful already.


The Navy chaplain advised that the smoothest thing for us to do would be for me to go to him and marry in Guam. We agreed that it made the most sense, so we could begin our lives without going into debt.  


FI's mother has been very sweet about everything. She accepted me with open arms to the family and is happy for us. She is an event organizer and I promised her a year ago I would help her with the her gala this year. Well, her two closest friends were at the gala the other night and made a strict point to say, "we are VERY disappointed you will not be getting married here". I started to apologize and the husband cut me off and said "no you are not because if you were sorry you would get married here". Then I started to explain about the expense, and he cut me off again and said "that's not true, he can fly for free- I know how the military works". I start to explain that I will need command sponsorship, and the relo and flights and wedding costs- but I didn't want to argue with them, but it made me feel terrible, as if I planned it this way by myself without considering them.


I'm worried that this "disappointment" is really the friends speaking for FI's mother who has been staying with them, when all along we thought she was happy. Of course a mother wants to see her sons marry- but she is a VERY detached mom. Didn't send him a birthday card or gift this year on his first time out of the country. - I had to remind her to call him and she did so at the last minute. She surely won't send him anything for Christmas. When he left for boot camp we all went to breakfast together and sweet as she is, she did talk about herself the entire time while he looked sick with worry. I asked her if she was nervous and gonna miss him and she just shrugged and said "I have already been through this with his brother". Still, I didn't mean to offend her by running if with her son to Guam, so to speak!


What would you do in my situation?


 


 

Posted on December 15, 2009 at 2:09 am
lvnlrn
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lvnlrn

lvnlrn

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(11) Comments

m.h.1.23
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01/23/2010
m.h.1.23

m.h.1.23

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m.h.1.23

Wow- sounds like a tough position.


Are you marrying in Guam and then having a wedding in the US? Because if that is the case, then don't worry about it- the families and friends will be able to celebrate with you later. If you aren't having a wedding in the US in the future- I would seriously consider it. Being married is the important thing, but having a celebration with your family and friends is important too. We give up a lot being involved with the military and our lives are pretty tough at times- you should never pass up a reason for a celebration. Even if it takes a while, plan an "anniversary" party or vow renewal for when you guys relocate.


As for the talk, stand firm. You are making the decision that is best for you and for FI. You are interested in having a marriage- not just the wedding. You can always celebrate in the future, but when you are ready to get married- you are ready. Don't let anyone bully you. You didn't tell them how to marry, so they shouldn't tell you how to marry.


I suggest having FI talk to his mom- explain (again if necessary) why you are choosing to do it this way. Maybe you can set something up where your family can watch the wedding via webcam?


also- you could look into the possibility of marrying by proxy (I don't know if your state allows it or not)- it would allow you to get married while you are in the states and he is overseas. that way you are married on paper (which makes the military happy), but you don't have to spend on the money on travel. (I know this is a crazy option, but it may work for you)

Posted on December 15, 2009 at 4:23 am
lvnlrn
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01/15/2010
lvnlrn

lvnlrn

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lvnlrn

Thank you so much for all the advice! I have never heard of a proxy before- that is very interesting. I sent an email to his mom (she's an email / text type) and she called me moments ago to cheer me up and say that she is perfectly fine with us getting married over there and that she is just so happy he will not be alone out of the country. She said "I'm different, that stuff doesn't get to me". We have a big age difference and she even threw that topic in, saying she has never had an issue with it and feels when you find happiness you just have to grab it! I had thought that was how she felt, but I just wanted to be sure after her friends' comments. And you are right, we will be sure to have a celebration with family and friends upon our return!

Posted on December 15, 2009 at 5:44 am
m.h.1.23
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m.h.1.23

m.h.1.23

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m.h.1.23

I am so happy she gave you such a positive response!


Is he already in Guam? When will you be heading over there?

Posted on December 15, 2009 at 10:09 am
lvnlrn
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lvnlrn

lvnlrn

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Me too! He is in Guam since September and loves it. I leave in *yikes* 25 days! So much to do because I am shipping my own things and doing my own hair and makeup.

Posted on December 15, 2009 at 10:48 am
m.h.1.23
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01/23/2010
m.h.1.23

m.h.1.23

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m.h.1.23

Wow- so soon!!! I am so happy for you :)

Posted on December 15, 2009 at 11:46 am
UTBly07
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07/02/2011
UTBly07

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UTBly07

Hope all goes well!  It's a crazy life we live, but it's so worth it.  If Guam is anything like Okinawa, which I've heard it is, you'll love it!  Keep us updated, please!

Posted on December 16, 2009 at 9:30 am
lvnlrn
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lvnlrn

lvnlrn

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lvnlrn

i think i will like it a lot! i have already shipped all my summer clothes - so there is no backing out now! lol!

Posted on December 16, 2009 at 11:29 am
JVilleBride2010
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JVilleBride2010

JVilleBride2010

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JVilleBride2010

Girl let me tell you, I'm in Guam right now and it's hot as all Heck! lol.  But the beaches are beautiful!  But I am ready to leave!  I leave to go back stateside in 12 more days!  wooo hooo!

Posted on December 17, 2009 at 12:17 pm
lvnlrn
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lvnlrn

lvnlrn

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jvilleBride2010- hi there---what a small PW world! lol! yeah, my FI said so too. his lips burned yesterday!!!

Posted on December 17, 2009 at 12:28 pm
JVilleBride2010
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JVilleBride2010

JVilleBride2010

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JVilleBride2010

lol I went to the beach this past weekend and didnt get dark anywhere and I was like ok thats good.  Then i got a fever blister from being burned and not having on chapstick.  so yeah it's hot.   I'm only here tdy.  I leave soon.

Posted on December 17, 2009 at 3:06 pm
lvnlrn
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lvnlrn

lvnlrn

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i burn soooo easy!!! everyone says spf messes up wedding pics, but i don't think i have a choice!

Posted on December 17, 2009 at 9:49 pm

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