Ways to honor mom

So the other day I receive a phone call from my mom asking me if I was planning to honor her by having her walk me down the aisle along with my dad. She followed it up by saying something along the lines of "since I'm your mom and have done so much you, I think I should be honored,don't you? !!!!!!!!!

I told her exactly what was going threw my mind. Read below paragraph.



The thought had crossed my mind, but then I thought about how my dad and I aren't very close. I love him to pieces , but we are very different people and never really have much to say to each other. I don't want to hurt his feelings by taking away his moment, it may be one of the only moments we will have to really bond as father and daughter, so I crossed that idea off my list and started thinking of other ways to include her.

She responded by telling me my dad wouldn't care and laughed!!!


It pisses me off that my mom would put me in a position like this. It's like she's making me feel bad about not including her in the walk. I had been thinking of other ways to include her,but I'm stumped and now I'm just to turned off by her whole attitude that I don't even want to think about other ways to honor her. I'm open to suggestions though, so if anyone has any ideas, I'm all ears.
Posted on November 19, 2007 at 12:20 am
She1
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(14) Comments

champagnecholly
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09/19/2008
champagnecholly

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If you make toasts or something you could mention how she has always been there for you, taking your late night phone calls and averting crisises etc etc. You could also print that into the program.
Posted on November 19, 2007 at 12:28 am
married2mrwright
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09/29/2007
married2mrwright

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married2mrwright

My initial reaction is that your mom is being very passive aggressive. Anyway, are she and your father still married? If so, perhaps he asked her to talk to you about it and would prefer that she join you two in the walk down the aisle? Or not. Dunno...I would say some radical communication is order. Can you talk to you father about it?

Personally, I walked myself down the aisle. Neither my mother nor my father were the least bit offended. I have been on my own for 15 years and definitely made the decision to enter into my marriage on my own (with their support, of course) and felt that walking un-escorted was the right thing for me. I have no regrets about it and neither of my parents felt the least bit slighted.

Just saying...you do have options. But if you want to be traditional...just walk with your father...it's your wedding and you can do what you want.

FWIW, I know some people have the moms do candle lighting (if you're doing a unity candle) or you can present your bouquet to her at the reception (which a little speech of thanks) rather than tossing it to other single ladies.
Posted on November 19, 2007 at 3:46 am
She1
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Oh, she's being more then just passive aggressive and not just about this, about everything. I honestly can't believe how pushy shes been this whole time, about almost every decision I have had to make. I thought she would help make this process easy for me, but shes all but turned what is supposed to be a happy time, into a nightmare. I swear it's as if she thinks it's her wedding. Shes so concerned about what everybody else is going to think that she completely disregards my and my FI's feelings. I've had a talk with her about this...more then once.

My parents are still together, but I doubt my dad would have brought that up...

I like the candle lighting idea, but its a Jewish ceremony...

Thanks lori and ac =)
If anyone else has ideas, they would be appreciated.
Posted on November 19, 2007 at 4:33 am
moemarsita
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07/06/2008
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Is it possible, even though it's a set religious ceremony, that you could add your own touch in it? At my friend's wedding, they presented the moms with a bouquet of flowers. Maybe there could be a special reading or a vow type thing where you talk about how marriage isn't just the joining of two people, but the joining of two families and you can say some nice words about each of the parents.

It would be hard for me to fake an honoring. Because no matter how hard I'd try, I know it would come off more awkward than if it was a surprise and something I wanted to do. But with your mom being so upfront and honest, that would also allow you to do the same. So I would recommend you talk to her about how you're feeling. It seems like this is a festering problem and you wouldn't want anything to explode on the day of.
Posted on November 19, 2007 at 6:16 am
emssk8s
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04/11/2008
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I would first like to say try not to fight with your mom. My wedding is planned for April and we just found out this past weekend that my mom has cancer. This is the second time in her life. She probably wont be there at the wedding because she will be too sick or no longer with us. Don't fight with you mom and be happy that she is with you on this day besides in spirit.

I do think the unity candle is a special way to include your mom and we had thought of this as a way to include her.
Posted on November 19, 2007 at 9:07 am
married2mrwright
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09/29/2007
married2mrwright

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married2mrwright

I thought for Jewish wedding both sets of parents are involved in the processional...the groom with his parents first and then the bride with her parents. If that is the case for sure and you're having a Jewish ceremony I can imagine why your mother asked. (However, I cannot imagine why she asked in the manner that she did!)

I also attended a wedding where the bride and groom presented each grand and mother with a rose (the "Rose Ceremony) followed by the groom presenting one to his bride (carrying the torch, as you will)...

emmssk8s-- thank you for the reminder not to sweat the petty things...at the end of the day they are our family and should be cherished, warts and all. I am sorry to hear of your mother's diagnosis and hope she can do well with treatment and can attend your wedding afterall...
Posted on November 19, 2007 at 9:47 am
abattyref
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10/06/2007
abattyref

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Having just my dad walk me down the isle was not an issue with us, thankfuly... as my mom can be a bit pushy and self-centered sometimes. She was so much more of a bridezilla about everything than I was (Momzilla?). But, I wanted to make sure both my parents and DH's parents were recognized in our short ceremony so, we ended up doing something similar to what moemarsita suggested. We put this in our ceremony:

"Since the dawn of man, people have been united in marriage in all lands, all cultures, and all religions. In marriages everywhere, this is a time for two individuals to leave the families that raised them, to begin a new family. At this time, we ask the parents of the Bride and Groom to come forth to bless this marriage.

Do you, Paul, Arlene, Mark and Janice, who have lovingly raised and nurtured these two individuals, offer your blessing for their marriage, promising to support them, guide them, understand them, and encourage them in their solemn endeavor, in the years ahead? If you agree, please say, "We do". (Parent's respond.)"

We didn't tell our parents we were doing this and it was a nice surprise. BTW, we didn't write it, I took it from another ceremony I found online, I can't remember where.

It's a relatively minor way to have both parents participate. But, as much as you love her, she needs to be gently reminded that it's not her wedding. My mom had to be reminded more than once, and not even by me every time. Both of my brothers had to tell her to back off a few times. We all were patient about it, no matter how frustrating it was, and it avoided fights.

emmssk8s: my prayers are with you and your mom. I hope she responds well to treatment and can be there for your big day.

Good luck!
Posted on November 19, 2007 at 11:33 am
She1
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I would have to do some research on that Lori. To be honest I didn't think so, but I don't know much about how the ceremony is supposed to be preformed. I guess I just assumed my dad would be walking me, my friends had a jewish wedding not to long ago and only her dad walked her... I was going to try to get some of the ceremony figured out this month, it would be interesting if they were both supposed to walk me down. My mom isn't Jewish though, so she didn't know; if that is the case... She's just being Momzilla again.

Abbaty, it's funny you said that, we've been calling her momzilla for a while now. The interesting thing is that, she was calling me a bridzilla, every time she would get pushy I would naturally get upset and all of a sudden I was a bridezilla. She would even tell people randomly that I was a crazy bridzilla...in front of me, and I would be forced to defend myself to complete strangers. Her friends,slowly started to realize what was really going on and now they all tell her to back off. My sister and my dad, both see how pushy shes being about this whole thing and defend me all the time. I'm just so sick of having to deal with all the craziness already. Don't get me wrong I love my mom, but she's driving me nuts. By the way thank you for the idea, I'll see if I can add something like that, I'll have to talk to the Rabbi somehow and ask...

emmssk8s, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I do love my mom, and really hate fighting with her, but she makes it so difficult sometimes. I just wish she would let me breath for a min. She's been very selfish about the whole thing. As for you, be strong and cherish every moment you have with her. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in a divine spirit, and I do believe in an afterlife. I will prey for you, your mom and your whole family. Bare in mind that she will be with you, however this turns out.
Posted on November 20, 2007 at 1:08 am
kittnmouse
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08/29/2007
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She1, my personal opinion is that allowing both parents to walk you down the aisle wouldn't necessarily take the "moment" away from your dad - especially if you and your mom are closer (not sure if you are or not). I'm sure your dad would understand.

What your mom said actually sounds a lot like something my mom would say haha. But then again, my parents have always been very blunt and critical - in a loving/nagging manner. Don't be upset over it... If she truly put in a lot more effort, love and overall good parenting while raising you, I can see her side of things in wanting that honor of being by your side.

In any case, I hope you come to a compromise that everyone can be happy with! Try not to stress out too much. You can't please everyone, all the time.
Posted on November 20, 2007 at 5:40 pm
She1
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You right kittnmouse. The thing is, The thought had crossed my mind already and I was debating it for a while. Honestly I think that phone call definitely played a part in my final decision. I guess I'm more upset about the way she handled it. I feel that asking her to walk me should be my decision and mine alone. Now even if I change my mind and wanted them to both walk me, it's going to seem as if she guilt tripped into it. I don't know, I guess I feel that if I ask her now, it's not going to be the same. She took a moment that would have been very special and turned it into something very awkward ...she was just so rude.
Posted on November 21, 2007 at 3:40 am
mrs.julia.gulia
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08/31/2008
mrs.julia.gulia

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when i first got engaged, i was so excited at the thought of my dad walking me down the aisle. since mom would be a part of the planning, this would be dad's big thing. but now, i'm thinking - my mom may feel left out too, and given that we've been to a few weddings now with both parents walking the bride down the aisle, that might be a nice way to honor both my parents. dad & i will still have our father-daughter dance, and we'll be able to share that special moment together.
Posted on November 21, 2007 at 3:46 am
its.nicsknack
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08/31/2008
its.nicsknack

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I'm having both parents walk me down the isle. My situation is different. My parents are no longer together, but my father is not in the picture and hasn't been since I was 10. My mom remarried about 13 years ago. My Step-dad and I did NOT get along for years. Granted he entered my life when I was a teenage girl (Brave man). It took a lot of years to get to the point of the relationship we have today. I actually work for him; he's the Architect and I'm the Interior Designer. I wouldn't say we're super close, but we've come a LONG way. My mom and I are very close. We're nothing alike, but I consider her my best friend. I can't imagine her not walking me down the isle. Out of respect for my Step-dad, I'm including him in that moment.

I'm just now thinking about the Father-daughter dance. I don't feel my Step-dad and I have the bond for that tradition. I'm not quite sure how to handle that one yet.

Abatty: I love the way you incorporated your families into the ceremony! I've made a note in my binder :)
Posted on November 21, 2007 at 4:45 am
Veroni2413
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07/14/2007
Veroni2413

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Don't punish your mom just because she was brash about asking, especially if you were already considering it. My mom and I are super close as well, and that sometimes translates into asking or saying things you wouldn't say to many people, because it's your family. I think it's a lovely touch to have both your parents walk you down the aisle(and this is definitely how the Jewish ceremony is done), and if your dad doesn't care, why not?

I had both my parents walk me down the aisle, and then also presented both moms with a rose as part of our ceremony. That really turned on the waterworks.
Posted on November 21, 2007 at 6:32 am
GondaluvsGondo
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08/16/2008
GondaluvsGondo

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If being walked down the aisle by both parents was already something you had in mind, just go with it...its only 1 minute of your whole wedding, why no let both your parents share in the spotlight and joy of giving away their daughter.
Plus, im sure you have lots of other wedding plans to worry about, this one doesn't have to be a head/heart ache.

I also like Veronis idea of presenting moms with a rose, very cute!

Good Luck She1...if it makes you feel any better, i have a passive agresive mama too... but I love her and enjoy every moment (fighting or laughing) with her.

Best of luck!
Posted on February 20, 2008 at 7:16 pm

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