What are your "areas" that will take a little more work?

And no telling us everythings perfect, rainbows and butterflies -  thats crap - you know it and we know it :) 


 


For us it's equal treatment of the children ..... DH tends to be a little harder on my girls and my stepson (which is actually DH's stepson from his 1st marriage) than he is on my stepdaughter .... (his only child by birth)


I am guilty of this too actually Im harder on my girls than his kids ..... but thats because they are my stepchildren and they have a mom and I dont want to be the wicked stepmom - 


So I point out when he is unfair .... and we both are working on making sure we discipline and set rules equally for all of them ....


I understand that he is going to feel more and differently towards my stepdaughter because she is essentially his only child by birth ,  but she gets away with stuff no one else does .... lately Ive been trying to call it out when I see it ... (which probobly comes off real bitchy)  but I really don't think DH realises in what ways he is treating the kids differently -


 i also have been trying to go ahead and exercise my right as an adult and correct my stepkids when necessary ..... I know Im not doing them any more favors then Im doing my own girls by not saying anything just so they won't be mad at me ....

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 6:22 am
Niecy
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Shesh
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Right now-- It is his mother.... She isn't homelss...but she doesn't have a place to live.  She stays with us, with her other son, but not the with middle son (because the wife doesn't like the smell of her cooking! really, come on!?!?)


We own a two bedroom home and it is soooo small.  And having a 3rd person there for 4-6 weeks every 3 months is trying.  And it is a rough subject because FI is very sensitive about his mother, with good reason.


I am saving my thoughts for when we begin the pre marital counseling!!  I need a neutral 3rd party.


Oh- I am also bitter still, even tho she LOVES me NOW, we had a very rocky start and she yelled at me once.  I haven't been able to get over that.

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 6:27 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
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soon2beMrs.Jackson

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for me..COMMUNICATION!


i am an only child, always been quiet and reserved when it comes to my feelings and i believe that many times, i expect FI to 'figure things out'. well of course it frustrates him and then there is tension or resentment when he has to assume what is going on with me.


But, he is not one to ask questions (EVER!!!!!!) so then i get frustrated! how do you expect to know how i feel or what's going on with me if you don't ask questions??!! (at least that is how I think). we used to have a lot of problems with this but we are doing much better and i am working on making sure my communication with him is always open at all times.


it's hard, both of our parents were married over 30 years but their marriages were VERY different so of course we can only base our perception of marriage and communication on what we saw in our own households....

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 6:33 am
oreomaximus
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oreomaximus

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Oh I'm going to be LIVING in this group -- for real.


What do I need to work on?  Hmmm.


TRUST:  My FI and I have had a lot of turst issues in the past.  He's betrayed my trust on a couple of different occasions which I have forgiven him for but I can't seem to revert back to those specific instances whenever he wants me to trust him about something.  How do you move forward?


FORGIVENESS:  Liek I said, I've been hurt before.  And not just by my FI but by other relationships.  How do I truly forgive someone and let it go, rather than harping on it everytime I get the chance?  I know I can't forget it, but have I truly forgiven him?


KNOWING MY ROLE:  I've been independent for a long time. I pay my own bills, have my own things and have worked hard to get there.  Now that I'm getting married, I know that I will have to sacrifice some of my "independence" to allow my husband to be the KING OF THE CASTLE.  But I still want to feel like my opinion is just as important and that I have a right to make certain decisions as well.  If he makes a decision for us, I automatically jump on him, because I feel as though I am having to relinquish control.  Most of the time the decisions he makes are the RIGHT ones and for my own good but nevertheless I don't like having to "submit" ugh oh.  There's that word.  So where does one draw the line?


COMMUNICATION:  I need to learn how to resolve conflicts in a more postive and productive manner.  I have this really bad habit of keeping things bottled up inside that bother me (rather than addressing them in an open and honest manner).  I'm not sure why I do this, I guess maybe I feel like I can handle it -- or that it will go away.  but before long my feelings end up spewing out (more like erupting) and instead of us having a respective and orderly discussion, I am generally yelling and screaming because I have allowed myself to get so angry and frustrated. 


 

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 6:42 am
Niecy
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I can totally relate to  "Knowing my role"  -  I come from a long line of OVERLY independant women :)

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 6:44 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
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soon2beMrs.Jackson

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me too! it's so hard to hand over that control!!

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 6:56 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
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soon2beMrs.Jackson

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but ladies, it is awesome that each of us had a chance to BE independent and live and take care of ourselves before FI/DH. i always believe it is important to establish yourself as well.

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 6:57 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
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soon2beMrs.Jackson

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Oreo, in order to truly move on you have to forgive then look back at the situation and learn from it the best way that you can. all of our experiences (good or bad) happen for a reason, to help us learn and grow from them. it's hard but it's so important. remove the hurt/pain associated from it and take from it what you LEARNED about yourself. Also..


YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON, ONLY YOURSELF :-)

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 7:04 am
Niecy
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I agree with soon2be -  to forgive you have to be able to let it go .... the first step is determining wether it's something you can really let go of ... then the forgiveness is real

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 7:13 am
tktoups10
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I also could say that I have trust issues. When FI and I first got together, I found out that he wanted me not to go visit because he asked his ex gf to go visit. Now we had only been together maybe 1 month so it was one of those situations that it's uncomfortable to talk about. I wasn't really sure what my role in his life was.


Then fast forward a few more months and I read some messages that he sent a girl from the drug court program and he did say some pretty hurtful things. I don't want anyone to judge because this could come off as wrong. But everyone has issues in relationships. He told the girl that he wished he would've met her first. I honestly don't think that he meant it. I think he was just flirting. And now that I realize that aspect of it, maybe I can finally fully heal.


I've forgiven him. Deep down I know he wouldn't cheat on me. The first situation doesn't bother me (with his ex), but the 2nd one has for a long time. And I really think I just realized why it bothered me. I just realized that he was doing it to feed his ego and to just flirt. Wow this feels good to type out. Everyone else I've always talked to about it, has told me things that I necessarily didn't need to hear.


FI and I do not communicate well. He rather not talk about something because it would almost 100% of the time start an argument. But on the other hand, I fly off the handle and I yell and I cry and whatever else. So that's kinda us in a nutshell.

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 7:22 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
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:-)

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 10:59 am
midnyteblue110609
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Ok, the areas that will take a lil more work is me being able to pick up after myself and Sean to stop nagging me!  Ugh.  I understand my coat and shoes shouldn't be in the living room but I will move it!  It just really gets to him to see a mess, lol.  So that is what I am working on right now.  Trying to be a lil less messier!  Sean is Mr. Perfect and doesn't have to work on anything, lol.  Yeah, right!   Sean can work on trying to understand my older sister.  There is a lot of info behind this but Sean cannot stand my older sister so that has put a bit of a strain with me and my older sister.  Issue is I completely agree with Sean which made it a bit hard for my sis to understand.  Other than that we get along so well and seriously hardly have a disagreement.  It also helps that when I get angry I do not speak at all.  Sean hates it but it works for me not to say anything I will regret and have to apologize later for.  I don't enjoy saying I'm sorry at all.

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 12:53 pm
nycbride1
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Comment has been removed by Project Wedding due to a violation of our Terms of Use
Posted on November 19, 2009 at 1:54 pm
miss_em2010
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this is going to sound like a very juvenile response.....


but honestly, what we fight most about is cleaning (I know)...I use the word fighting loosely b/c we don't actually argue about it but still....


FI is a NEAT FREAK...I am not...I like things looking lived in! He is constantly putting my things away and it bothers me b/c then I can never find them! When I say that, he says "if you put everything away yourself you wouldnt have that problem"...well, I like my keys on the kitchen counter...I leave them there, and I know they are there...DON'T MOVE THEM!!!  argh. I digress. I suppose it's minimal in the grand scheme of things.


oh, and sex. Fi can't get enough. Well I can't get enough of sleep...so get over it...LOL!

Posted on November 19, 2009 at 2:15 pm
midnyteblue110609
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OMG, Emily!  Are we in relationships with the same people?!  I hate when DH puts my stuff away!  I can never find it!  He says if I put it away myself then we wouldn't have the problem. 

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 1:43 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
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Midnyteblue ....i am trying my best as well to do better with cleaning up behind myself. i lay things down then never come back to pick them up. my side of the closet is always cluttered...Eric is a neat freak and super organized but all of this is teaching me that being more organized goes a long way. it's hard though....i have lived on my own since the age of 21 so for pretty much 10 years or so, i have been accustomed to only cleaning up when i felt like it.... it has definitely been a hard habit to break! i hate when FI puts my things away too or when he piles all of my things in one big stack and tells me to figure out what to do with all of my crap! i love him for it though, i know he means well!!

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 1:55 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
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soon2beMrs.Jackson

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my recent motivation...i absolutely despise washing dishes so we have an agreement that as long as i keep up my end of 'cleanliness', FI will make sure the dishes are washed and the kitchen is clean just about everyday. that works for me!

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 1:57 am
Niecy
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"oh, and sex. Fi can't get enough. Well I can't get enough of sleep...so get over it...LOL!" 


 


miss em -  I can so relate to this! 

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 2:15 am
midnyteblue110609
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yeah ... i am trying.  my part of the closet is such a mess! :(  i am not happy about it but i can't really help it either.  i don't know but i am able to find all my stuff in a big mess and then when i clean up, i have no idea where stuff is!  lol.  dishes are a lot easier for me now b/c we have a dishwasher.  before that Sean and I argued about whos turn it was to do the dishes ... it really was always my turn but i just don't like doing dishes.

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 2:22 am
soon2beMrs.Jackson
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soon2beMrs.Jackson

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we use our dishwasher but Eric scrubs and washes the dishes first (which takes so much time) AND then he still puts them in the dishwasher to be washed again!...he's so OCD! he doesn't like anything on the dishes when they go in the dishwasher...he even goes behind me when i do the dishes and points out smudges! gets on my nerves :-)

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 3:03 am
erindira
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Lol, I certainly don't want to say that everything is sunshine and rainbows, but DH and I aren't "fighters" at all. We don't keep things bottled up - if anything, we share a little too much. If he annoys me over something silly, something that won't matter the next day, I drop it. If he does something that bothers me enough to say something, I say it immediately and I stick to the point. And he does the same with me. I think it helps that we came from families that don't raise their voice when angry at each other over something, but that's what works for us. I know a lot of people that need a little fire in an argument to work through an issue.


My current issues with him are the clutter he leaves around the apartment (gah! quit stacking all of that crap on our nice dining table!), issues with his sister, and some resentment over his college career. Whoops, did I just say that? He was supposed to graduate this spring but now it looks like it's going to be pushed back to spring 2011 and I'm ready to get on with my life - start a family, buy a house, etc. Instead, it feels like we're twiddling our thumbs while he takes more time in college, time that it feels like he wouldn't have had to take had he been on top of his degree requirements.


His current issues with me, from what he says anyway, are that I work too much and leave him to do more than his share of work around the apartment, I hold too tight of a fist on the money, and I make assumptions that lead me to get upset with him unecessarily. I'm working on it... :)

Posted on November 20, 2009 at 5:18 am
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