What would you do? Long... sorry.

So, out of the blue, I got a call today from a friend with whom I haven't spoken to in almost 4 years. She and I have known each other since kindergarden and we were major BFFs all the way through high school. Our younger sisters were BFFs, and our moms were BFFs too, so we were always together. After high school we remained friends and kind of went our separate ways but still kept in touch. After her mom passed away from a long illness, she fell on some hard times and needed a place to live. My parents happily took her in. She met a great guy (whom she's marrying) and my parents saw less and less of her. Finally she fell off the radar for a couple of years. Never returned phone calls, and she'd show up to pick up her mail once a month when no one was home. In early 2005, I finally called and left a message saying that we're cleaning out the garage, if you want your stuff come and get it. If you don't we're giving it away. She came by and we chatted like old times. Then I never heard from her again. We never had a big fight or anything, she just cut herself off from us.


Originally, I took it personally, but I eventually came to the conclusion in my heart that I wasn't ever going to see her again. I tried to keep a connection with no success. I was able to know where she was and what she was up to through another friend. So, I knew that she got engaged last year. And I'm sure she knew that I got married last year. I would have invited her if I had an address. 


Today we talked for about half an hour catching up. She said she really misses me and wants to get together to catch up. Oh, and she's getting married next Thursday afternoon, can I make it?


The wedding in the the Bay Area, I live in Long Beach. Money isn't an issue as I can fly using DH's flight benefits. The dilemma I have is whether to burn 2 vacation days for this. I only have 4 left this year. I'd really love to be there for her, and I will do my best to try and stay in contact with her now that she's called again. But I can't help but think, was I an afterthought? It's next week for goodness sake!! My friend, who happens to be a therapist, said this, "Personally, I'm all about honoring your own feelings rather than just pleasing another person."


What would you do? Thank you ladies.

Posted on July 30, 2008 at 6:35 pm
abattyref
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(14) Comments

aussie
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aussie

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I was in a similar situation quite a long time ago - I recieved the invite more than a week in advance but going to the wedding meant travelling overseas. In the end, I went to the wedding and made a holiday of it and I'm really glad I did as in the past few years we've sort of renewed our friendship. I guess the thing you need to think about is whether or not you'd regret not going? It's tough not knowing why she waited till the last minute to invite you. You could be an after thought or she could be getting emotional about things and she regrets not inviting you sooner.

Posted on July 30, 2008 at 6:45 pm
ceejaydee7
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wow thats a toughy.


at first i was thinking awe she thought of u. then u made me realize.. it was pretty last minute. honestly.. go with what you really feel most comfortable with. did she seem like she REALLY missed you and wouldnt cut herself off from you again. did you by any chance even get to ask her where the heck shes been?!

Posted on July 30, 2008 at 6:47 pm
mariegalapon
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oooo.... thats a toughy


is there a way you can go without using your vacation hours? if you do go, who will you know ( besides the bride ). This is somewhat a similar situation i had gone through, I regretted not going. What ever your decision, good luck.

Posted on July 30, 2008 at 6:52 pm
d1rtymart1n1
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i agree with "Personally, I'm all about honoring your own feelings rather than just pleasing another person."


in my "old age" i'm all about my boundaries - which is an entirely different thread, but if you dont feel comfortable - then dont go out of "history's sake" - i dont know if i make sense...


i got an invite like that 2 years ago - from a friend of a friend - she noticed i gave my gf a complete set of tiffany crystal and she rushed up to me and said "my wedding's in 2 weeks - i didnt have your address - but now yo're here in person, so i'm just going to give you a BLANK invite - i'd love to see you there!"


yeah - no thanks!


not saying this is the same thing - you have history with her - but yet, is that all you have with her??


go with your heart and your gut!


GL!!


 

Posted on July 30, 2008 at 6:58 pm
MissQnomore
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i say go with the peeps and trust your heart.  yeah it may not feel right that it was last minute, but in truth, would you regret not going?  that's how i've resolved an issue myself with a similar dilemma.  can you make a vacay out of coming to the bay? 


i do agree with honoring your own feelings, which is why the details have to somewhat go by the wayside unless it is a major point of hurt for you that she didn't invite you earlier. 


but we don't know the circumstances.  maybe she's having a super small ceremony, and decided she really wants you there.  i think there's something to the fact that she called you out of the blue.  she was thinking of you for sure.


this is really hard, i know..

Posted on July 30, 2008 at 7:07 pm
abattyref
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Yeah, I've been bouncing this around in my head since I talked to her this afternoon. You guys have really asked all the right questions and made the right comments to help me make a decision.


-I will know her three younger sibblings at the wedding... and her Dad. But I was never close to her dad. I'd love to see her sibblings again... but I'm not using that as a reason. That's 4 people. I've never met her fiance.


-While I haven't known her address, I have known where she's been all these years through another friend. So I knew that she was well and still with the same BF. Since she never returned my phone calls or emails, I decided I'd had enough.


-The only way I could go without using vacation days would be to call in sick for 2 days. Sick days are separate at my work. That's definately an option... especially since my boss is out of town this week and taking forever to respond to emails. 


-D1rty, I think you've really hit the nail on the head... I definately feel an obligation to be there because of our history. But that history also makes this hurt a bit. I'm a little hurt that she hasn't invited my parents either, as they had invested a lot of emotional support in her.


Calling me out of the blue was probably not easy for her... It would have been so much easier to just get my address from our mutual friend and send me an invite. Plus, she's always been afraid of confrontation... it took a lot of courage to pick up the phone and call today.


I think I would regret not going. From the tone in her voice and how much she said that she missed me, part of me thinks she's dealing with some wedding emotions... it's probably not easy to be planning this major milestone in her life without her mom around. Perhaps she wants me there because I'm the friend who was closest to her when her mom got sick. I don't know. But, I miss her mom terribly and I think I'm going to go for her.


Thank you ladies for letting me bounce this off of you. If I can borrow my brother's camera, I'll take some photos... the reception is at the Brazilian Room in Berkeley.

Posted on July 30, 2008 at 8:10 pm
MissQnomore
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Sorry hun that there's so much mixed emotion around this.  She should definitely have invited your parents but...what can you do?  I think some people are just not built for confrontation, as you said, and others prefer to distance themselves from parts of their lives that were painful.  Totally playing couch shrink... maybe hanging out with you and your parents made her miss her mom more?  I don't know, maybe I'm reaching here.  But either way, I'm glad you were able to make a decision.  And how does it feel?  Sometimes you know it's the right decision by the weight that's lifted off once you've made it.  GL!

Posted on July 31, 2008 at 6:14 am
jharks
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Sorry, I know I am late to this, but my first instinct is, she realized that she didn't have as many people coming to the wedding as she had imagined, or her fiance has more friends coming than she does and she didn't like that. I don't really think calling you was all that big of her, especially after NOT calling you for NO reason for years. I don't know, I am a person who holds a grudge when someone personally insults me like that. Sounds like you have made up your mind though.... one question I have though, how are you going to feel if she doesn't call you again after the wedding? It doesn't seem like it would be the first time. Also, you COULD have gotten her address when you were planning your wedding, but you didn't, which makes me think that you were kind of done with the friendship...... just my two cents.

Posted on July 31, 2008 at 6:22 am
lukduck
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My feelings are this, having been to a wedding recently (mine)  as the bride I barely got a chance to spend with my guests...I chatted a few minutes with each of them and that was it for most of them.  If she wants to catch up and keep in contact with you again, I would probably wait till after the wedding.  Then you guys can plan a weekend or something.


 


If you can call out sick..thats not a terrible option...and then maybe your husband can come up over the weekend and you guys can have a lovely weekend in SF...but Im not sure I would use my vacation days...I would probably just send her an awesome wedding gift in my place. 

Posted on July 31, 2008 at 6:46 am
WMforever
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I'm a little late, but the fact that she invited you so last minute says a lot to me especially since you have to travel for it. If she really wanted you to be there, she would have invited you from the moment she made her invite list.


did she mention why she ignored your calls and emails? why she dropped off the face of the earth to you and your fam?


i hope i'm wrong, but maybe she's a great actress and made you believe she had missed you and really wanted you to be there? and you're right, the most probably reason she contacted you was because she's on emotional overload with the wedding. but after its over, hopefully she wont go back and disappear you know what i mean?

Posted on July 31, 2008 at 6:47 am
abattyref
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jh, you're right. I didn't try very hard to get her address because I had written her off. I had moved on with my life and never expected to see her again. That's why this has been such a hard decision.


MissQ, I've always believed that she cut us out of her life because of how close we all were with her mom. And it's the reason why I was so surprised that she called. Even though her mom died ten years ago, I wonder if she's wishing she still had us around. It's really one of the major reasons why I'm going to go. I know her mom would want me there.


She said that the wedding will be about 60 people, the majority will be her family, she has a lot of aunts and uncles. I'm pretty sure she chickened out when it came to inviting my parents. My mom is the type who definately holds a grudge and would confront her and get all pissy if she didn't get an apology. I'm not intending to make excuses for her, but my mom can be kind of severe sometimes.


A large part of me is fully expecting her to never call again after this. It's just the kind of person she's always been. And I will continue to call her and try to get together, but it has to be a two-way relationship. I am someone who doesn't hold a grudge and I'm willing to give it one more shot. Maybe she's grown up a bit, maybe she's turned a corner and has a slightly more mature personality. I know that my personality has changed over the past 5 to 10 years. Since we're the same age, the optimist in me hopes hers has too. I think I'm going to try one last time and if it doesn't stick, then it's over for good. And I'll do my best not to get too emotionally involved. That way, if this happens again, I'll be ready for it.

Posted on July 31, 2008 at 6:48 am
abattyref
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Oh yeah, I had already planned to spend the weekend in the Bay Area anyway. I'm helping a friend  with photographing a wedding down in Soledad on Saturday. That's why I have to take two days instead of just Thursday. No reason to go back to work on Friday and then have to leave early to fly back up.


Since my bosses are out of town, there's no way they'll get my email vacation day request until Monday... so I'm going to call in sick.

Posted on July 31, 2008 at 6:52 am
jharks
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ok, well atleast don't break the bank on her gift! :-P

Posted on July 31, 2008 at 6:56 am
mt51
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Abatty, I know where you're coming from because my former bf was the exact same way. She would accuse me of falling off the face of the earth when she was the one who wouldn't call back or respond to my emails. I got so tired of it and stopped contact with her altogether. She's still invited to my wedding (her family is still good friends with mine) but she won't be a part of the entourage. I doubt she'll go though.


Back to your situation - trust your gut instinct on this one. Sorry I'm a bit late but you already know that she will most likely not keep in touch after the wedding. You're right. It has to be a two-way relationship. I had to learn that the hard way.


Keep us posted.

Posted on July 31, 2008 at 7:00 am

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