when/ how did you know you were ready?

hi ladies 


 


I'm wondering how/when did you know you were ready for the baby?


 


we're getting married in 10 days, Fi says he's ready ....and I feel like I'm not...I'm 30 so I also feel like it's time but I'm scared that I would change my life too much that I don't like it...


Also FI is working crazy hours and will continue like that so I feel I'm the one that will give up my carreer and my life for a baby...


 


any advice? experience to share??


 


 

Posted on May 16, 2012 at 3:01 am
Elocha
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(16) Comments

Canooknic
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When FI and I decided to have kids (I was 31) age was a big factor in my decision. My mom had my brother is her 2nd marriage when she was 37 and I saw how tired she was with him and I didn't want that!! I had a good career, with great potential for promotions, but I knew that babies had become part of my plan for the future so I had to bite the bullet and just do it! I had spent my entire 20's saying that I didn't want children and then all of a sudden completely changed my mind - it was a very strange experience!

When we decided to start trying we gave ourselves a year to get ready, we had holidays in Canada, Florida and Rome, we made sure we spent lots of time with friends and went to lots of concerts & shows etc.

We basically had 11 months of doing everything we wanted so we didn't feel that we had missed out on anything when the baby (or as it turned out, babies!) arrived.

Even though I spent almost a year getting prepared to get pregnant, seeing that positive pregnancy test was terrifying!! Even now, when they are almost 4, I still have days where I think 'I'm so not prepared to be a mom'!!!

If you're still having doubts why not discuss it with FI (almost hubby! Yay!) and agree to start trying around your first anniversary??
Posted on May 16, 2012 at 3:27 am
Elocha
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I think the problem is more that I feel it will be unfair, it's going to change a lot of things for me and not that much for him...


And my view of a familly is to do things together and I already know it's difficult to ajust when you have a baby but if it's only me that have to adjust I don't like it ...it's really a big saccrifice ...


I don't know maybe I overreact cause he's changing jobs and he had the choice between one with great hours in a small company or one why big hours in a big company and he want the one with big hours...for the same salary... so I feel like he see things like that : he gets money I do babies...but it's not me...


 

Posted on May 16, 2012 at 3:59 am
prinncessjennifer
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prinncessjennifer

I got pregnant a month before my 30th birthday, we were not trying but not preventing if that makes sense :) it is so terrifying (and exciting!!!) to see that positive pregnancy test!  I was unsure about being ready when I found out but as soon as I saw those 2 lines everything just changed!  Plus, you do have 9 months to get used to the idea.


We waited till we were married a year to start trying, even though DH and I had been together for 6 years when we got married. We wanted to enjoy ourselves and be married.  We got pregnant a year and half after the wedding.


I totally think you can still have a baby and keep your career - I am a working mom :)
I just started back at work last week and while I do miss my baby I also enjoy going to work and having that adult interaction BUT I have two amazing bosses that completely support me in anything that I need. 


I agree with Canooknic, just sent down and talk it over with your soon to be DH.  Together you can come up with a compromise :)

Posted on May 16, 2012 at 4:06 am
Elocha
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my carrer ic clearly less successfull than FI's or at least I earn definitely less ( I'm a scientific researcher he works in banks...uhum) so that makes sense if I'm the one mostly taking care of the baby and having short days. And my work is flexible ...


I was just hoping that he would choose the work with great hours I was starting feeling in the mood for a baby but now I think I'll rethink it and only agree when i'll feel really ok cause a lot will be on me...

Posted on May 16, 2012 at 4:21 am
Canooknic
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Absolutely only agree to it when you're ready - it is bloody hard work raising children and if you aren't going to be able to get support from FI because he's at work then the pressure on you is enormous.

It's definitely something that needs to be discussed/addressed so that you are both happy
Posted on May 16, 2012 at 4:27 am
Elocha
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Elocha

yes we have to discuss that


I just wanted some female point of view to know how inside you knew you were ready but I guess you're never 100% ready until baby is there, you just have to be ready enough..


It's hard for me ate the moment cause I start feeling like I want but my best friend is radically anti baby and already asked me to wait :she lives in NYC and will be back in 1 year, she wants you enjoy me before I have a baby and she consider that people with kids are just not interessting anymore .so I think it's not helping at all cause I can't talk to her about baby at all and I feel when I get pregnant I'll loose her...


thanks you're here!

Posted on May 16, 2012 at 4:36 am
prinncessjennifer
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prinncessjennifer

Yea, I agree alot does ride on the momma...I would just be honest and tell him that with his current work schedule having a baby would be super hard.


Ha, I totally understand.  My DH is the breadwinner - I work soley for the health insurance :)

Posted on May 16, 2012 at 4:36 am
prinncessjennifer
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prinncessjennifer

One of my BFF is antibaby and hell my brother is even more antibaby (he is a gay man with zero interest in ever having a child) and they both LOVE my son :)

I bet your best friend will come around if and when you get pregnant...and yes you are really never ready for a baby (or at least I wasn't!) I still have moments of "Crap what did we do!!!" Not so much now (my boy is 4 months) but in the very begining, oh man!

Posted on May 16, 2012 at 4:40 am
Elocha
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Elocha

I guess the best is to wait and see the new work schedule because we don't know it yet, it just that between the 2 jobs one was clearly really nice at that level and for the other nothing is mentioned...


and the baby would have been anyway for 2013 since I don't know if my contract will continue after december 2012..that's the first thing, if yes then we can start thinking of a baby if not then it will be delayed a lot anyway...


I'm feeling better reading that, I felt like I will never be ok for a baby cause I'm scared but now I feel normal ;)


For my BF I hope it will turn out good, at the moment everytime I try to introduce the subject she says that I have to wait for her cause she wants to enjoy me before I'm getting annoying ... hurtfull ... would she do that for me? not sure...


 


 

Posted on May 16, 2012 at 4:56 am
Kristen_Tater
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I agree with the other ladies. DH and I were the same way - he wanted a honeymoon baby and I told him that I wanted to wait at least one year after the wedding. Now that we're almost to our one year anni, he's so glad we waited and we may even wait another year. We both decided that we are going to enjoy our time together and get our financial house in order before we decide to even start trying.


Just take some married time to be newlyweds, once you're parents you are parents forever!! HTH!! **HUGS**

Posted on May 16, 2012 at 7:32 am
Elocha
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thanks ladies!!!


we tryed to talk about it but at the moment with all the things we ahev to deal with he's pretty stressed and he was pissed off...


So I guess we'll find an other time ;) it's not like the baby question was urgent ... it's better to wait and see how it is in his new work ;)

Posted on May 17, 2012 at 5:16 am
lpruett05
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lpruett05

That is good advice!! I know my biggest worry is never having one because I feel no where near ready!! The FI tells me its money and not having a house and once we get that we'll both feel ready... Hope he's right! Or I'm just too selfish to want to change my life but I'd rather bring a baby into this world with no grudges or negative feelings but sometimes I think the best way for me to have one is not planning it lol

Posted on May 17, 2012 at 6:22 am
Legentry
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I'd definitely suggest waiting a few months or even a year.  DH and I just hit the one year mark last month and I'm soooo glad we don't have a baby to take care of just yet (just one currently baking).  If you feel you're not ready, don't do it.  You probably just need some time to settle into your marriage...nothing wrong with that. :)  

Posted on May 17, 2012 at 10:36 am
nish0822
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whether your FI, soon to be husband has crazy work hours or normal work hours, or is the most supportive man alive, rearing a child will almost always fall on a woman. No matter how ready he is make sure that you are. Let him put his "ready" button on the shelf somewhere until you're ready to push it..........no pun intended!

Posted on May 17, 2012 at 12:13 pm
yelppuppy
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I think being ready or not doesn't have so much to do with your age, but reality. Sounds like what's holding you back is your doubt about DH's contribution, and it's a very valid doubt.


Since you're getting married, my advice is enjoy your married life, just the two of you, for at least a year. And if you don't already live together, you can see how much your future husband shares the house chores, and start communicating with him (or educating him) that he needs to help out more especially if you're getting ready for a baby.


Unfortunately, it's usually the women that sacrifice for the baby. There are always exceptions but it is realistic to expect that your husband won't do 50% of what you do. 


I see on birth boards that a lot of moms got unplanned pregnancy, and the vast majority of them (I want to say all but I'm sure there are exceptions although I haven't seen) grew to embrace the baby and all the changes that come along. Even though I was ready for kids, I admit I thought it was going to be a lot more unpleasant than people say. I used to think that parents over-glorify parenthood to suck others in, to share the burden and pain they experience but not allowed to say. Now I know for the first hand, even without sleep, I love everything I do for my baby unconditionally. Parenthood is as rewarding as people say. Oh, and most moms don't feel ready when they realize they're pregnant, no matter how badly they want children. :)

Posted on May 17, 2012 at 12:28 pm
clipscomb1987
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clipscomb1987

yelpuppy you crack me up! .....


I used to think that parents over-glorify parenthood to suck others in, to share the burden and pain they experience but not allowed to say


 


 

Posted on May 18, 2012 at 5:28 am

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