Not sure what to do about a coach =/

DH and I had a long talk.  He did tell me he'd be willing to be in the room and coach me if my mom and/or sister can't make it from out of state to be here when the baby comes.....the long talk was that he has really tried to be okay with being there and he just can't do it.  I'm really sad, but I just don't know what to do.  My BFF and I are barely speaking because she is just so unhappy in her own life that she has all but disappeared.


I don't feel comfortable asking other friends because LO is due so close to Christmas - I'm not close enough with most of them to feel like I wasn't intruding on their family time then (and some babies do come ON Christmas, ya know?).


I'm pretty sure a doula is out because of cost.  I'm lucky enough to be a SAHM but that doesn't mean we have cash to burn......


My MIL looked at me like I was crazy when I told her that I wanted a coach - she said, "Why would you want anyone there?  All I had was the doctor and a nurse?"  She is also my grandmother's age and has a daughter my mother's age so we are talking a huge generation gap anyway.


I know women do it all the time on their own, I just can't help but feel sad, I guess.  Maybe this isn't more of a question post but a vent post.


Thanks for reading, ladies! =)

Posted on July 5, 2013 at 5:03 am
Claire27
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(19) Comments

Canooknic
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07/19/2013
Canooknic

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What is it about being with you that he's concerned about? Is it being in hospital (birthing centre?), seeing you in pain or the blood & gore?

FI is not good with blood etc and was fine during labor but when it was time to deliver he sat up near my head and turned his chair so he was completely facing away from the 'business end' as he calls it (bless him).

My friend's son stayed with his wife until delivery time and then waited outside the door until their son arrived and came straight back in when the nurse said he was 'safe'.

There are ways around it I'm sure, if you speak to the hospital or your OBGYN.

I would also speak to your friends, I would willingly give up time at Christmas to help a friend welcome their little one into the world - and I assume they would only be on stand-by I case your Mom or sister couldn't get to you wouldn't they?

I hope it all works out for you xxx
Posted on July 5, 2013 at 5:28 am
dennys
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I considered hiring a doula but I just couldn't justify the cost. My husband is supportive but not 100% on board with a fully natural birth, he thinks lots of women give birth without doulas and using epidurals and therefore that money could be better used elsewhere for the baby's actual needs. But I think if you don't feel your husband will be very involved in the birth (is he just squeamish about the birth process?) I would consider emailing doulas in your area, explaining your situation. Maybe some can work something out financially, or they may know a doula in training who will help you for a reduced fee.
Posted on July 5, 2013 at 5:56 am
chrissyrenaegray
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03/10/2012
chrissyrenaegray

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I would definitely talk to your husband about why he doesn't want to be in the room.  While DH can handle seeing himself bleed, he hates seeing others bleed, and so he was a bit concerned.  I told him that it was important for him to be there, and asked if he would be willing just to focus on me.  He said that was fine, and we now joke that he's going to take care of me from the waist up while the doctor and nurse will take care of me from the waist down.  He has even come around to the point where he wants to cut the cord (huge step for him!).  So definitely talk this over to find out his reasons, and maybe both of you can come up with some sort of compromise.

Posted on July 5, 2013 at 6:48 am
AuntTate
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DH went in with me along with my mother.  When it came time to push and actually get the baby out, DH and my mother switched so he was up at my head and leaned over and basically coached me right into my ear the whole time.  He didn't see Blake come out or anything like that, my mother did.  He knew he didnt want to see all that stuff happening directly.  He is still just as happy with his role in the whole process as am I.  They dont have to be standing by the midwife/doctor when the baby comes out.  I honestly think your DH would regret not being in there when the moment happened.   

Posted on July 5, 2013 at 7:13 am
CheekyMar
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09/04/2010
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If your DH will not be there, consider hiring a doula! There are SO many women that are just starting out & are more than willing to work with you on pricing. Seriously, just explain the situation to a few & I am positive that they will be jumping up and down to help you. If a doula is out of the question, than for sure tell some of your friends. I know I would be honored to be a part of any of my friends births! Even if it landed right on christmas morning. Its such a big day for you, your LO & your DH... I would be sad if you didnt have someone holding your hand. BTW - my DH doesnt want anything to do with what goes on 'down there'... But he will be there to hold my hand & kiss my sweaty forhead.

Posted on July 5, 2013 at 7:33 am
Claire27
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It is really hard to explain, but DH wants to be in the room - NOT AT ALL, not during labor, not during delivery, NOTHING.  We have been together for 9 years and I have known this since the very first time we ever had a conversation about babies.  This is non-negotiable.  I've always known it.  I was surprised when he offered it, but I understand why he can't go through with it.  This is not your average macho, "I just don't wanna" he feels very strongly about this.


He has delivered animals: dogs, pigs, etc.  A human delivery is not something he wants to be a part of EVER.  I really do respect that.


Part of my hesitancy in a doula is that I don't want a stranger there.  And frankly, my MOH and I are not even friends anymore - she bailed half-way through my wedding and I'm stuck with the pictures.  I guess I just don't even want a friend there to be such a big part of my life when I just don't trust them to stick around anymore (I'm in therapy for abandonment issues due to my dad, as it is - this is hard for me).


I have an appointment with my therapist next week - I guess I need to work on this some more, huh? =)

Posted on July 5, 2013 at 8:05 am
dorkmeetsnerd
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09/26/2009
dorkmeetsnerd

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Totally respect your DH's decision.  I've had talks with my aunts from both China and the Philippines and they said having a male presence during delivery is not common in some areas.  It's possiblly even a nuisance to have a man in the room bc he could never fathom the pain his wife is going through and therefore not able to offer the right kind of support.  On the other hand, if you were coached or waited on by a group of women, especially women who've given birth, then you already have the knowledge that you can get through childbirth.  It even says so in Ina May's guidebook to childbirth.  And looking back at my experience, my warm, loving, super supportive DH, was perhaps the least useful person in the delivery room.  My sister and doula were far more emotionally and physically supportive.  I say give the Claire's DH a break, he knows what he knows.


Now back to the issue at hand.  You do need someone to be there for you, labor is hard work!  I honestly think having a doula is your best bet, especially since it's a growing market with many available at different price point.  You'll also need someone there for you to help you make decisions when a situation arises.  And hiring one sooner than later can alleviate any worries of having a stranger present at such and intimate moment.  I know you are worried about sharing an intimate moment with someone and later having them "abandon" you (I'm sorry about your dad).  BUT think of hiring a doula as hiring a wedding planner.  We hired all these wedding vendors, developed relationships with them and bc of that, they made our wedding experience that much better.  So what if you don't see them again?  All you cared about afterwards is being married to your man.  Same thing with hiring a doula.  She will be experienced enough to get you through this one day.  So what if she's not your best friend afterwards and you never see her again.  All you will care about once it's over is you baby : )


Hugs to you!


 

Posted on July 5, 2013 at 8:51 am
CheekyMar
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09/04/2010
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I totally get what your saying with hiring a doula is hiring a stranger. But I agree 100% with what DMN said about having SOMEONE there. Hiring a doula is like having a wedding planner for your wedding, but on a much more important occasion. They share intimate moments with you, which can seem odd since you dont 'know' them, but they are experts in their line of work & will do anything they can to make you feel comfortable (physically & emotionally). A lot of doula's are there for you prior to birth to answer any prenatal questions & help you with a birth plan, etc. So by the time you have the baby, she wont be much of a stranger anymore, but more of a friend. So many doula's also have Facebook pages & blogs, so you get to know them so well by the time you have your little one even if you dont speak on a day to day basis.

Posted on July 5, 2013 at 9:21 am
kristinkay
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04/05/2009
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I think you need to figure out what you want. If you want your husband there then I'm sorry he needs to buck up and be there. Birth is not about him. It's about you and your new child and he should be willing to do whatever needs to be done, even if he feels uncomfortable with it, in order to make you feel safe and secure during an experience that is both lovely and scary. If what you need is someone there and you are okay with that person not being your dh then he needs to be okay spending the money on the worlds best doula. And interview a bunch and I promise you will find one that you feel like is a long lost soulmate of yours and will be amazing. And I know women have done this alone but they also used to give women ether and strap them down while they pushed so comparing a normal hospital birth now to what used to happen is just not comparable. You will absolutely need someone there. Unless you have care providers that are planning on staying with you the entire time then have someone there who will stay with you because most likely your nurses will be in and out especially if you have a long labor. And you will need to come up with a game plan on what to do when you first go into labor. Many women labor at home and then go to the hospital. Will your husband leave you alone at home or will he stay there until you decide to go to the hospital? How will you get to the hospital? Will you need someone to turn in paperwork at the hospital? Who will be making decisions for you and for your baby in case of an emergency or if you are unable to? Will your husband want you to call him if you need to make decisions about interventions or procedures?
Posted on July 5, 2013 at 9:46 am
jackieg
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04/17/2009
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I'm sorry...but I think he is being selfish. I almost died, I cannot imagine my husband not being in the room with me. It's HIS BABY TOO...and you are his WIFE. He needs to support you in whatever way possible. There. I said it. Sorry for the bluntness.
Posted on July 5, 2013 at 10:37 am
Claire27
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Whoa!  I never said he wouldn't be AT the hospital.  He won't be in the ROOM, but his dad wasn't in the room either when he or his brother was born - it doesn't mean he can't make decisions.  I never said he wouldn't drive me to the hospital either - his dad did that for his mom.  I think I somehow gave you guys the wrong idea about him and our relationship.  I wish it was something that I could explain.


He is my biggest supporter.  He talked me into quitting my corporate job when we got married because I had been having so many migraines that my rescue medication was no longer working and I was having to leave work to get injections.  I left my corporate income and he carried us both (this was very hard for me to do because my first husband left me in terrible debt when we split up and I had fears of giving up my "own money" even though I knew that being married it was "our money").  He encouraged me to start my own business - it never brought in the money that my corporate salary did, but I was happy and that is all that ever mattered to him.


We go to Disney World on vacation every year, because that is where I want to go.  Most of what he does every day is to make me happy.  His two most used phrases are, "Yes, dear" and "If that is what you want" and these are not sarcastic, he means it.  


So when he says that he really doesn't want to do this, I respect it, because he already does so much for me.  


DMN and Cheekymar made great points - I had a wedding planner, I adored Meri, but you are right, I did not feel "abandoned" by her and looking at it that way makes so much sense - I was more referring to having someone I DO know (I already feel like I've lost two BFFs in 3 years), but this perspective really helps.


I start Bradley Method classes on Wednesday and my instructor has already said she can refer doulas to me that she trusts....I guess we will see how that goes!


Thank you everyone for your input, I know it all comes from the heart.  I don't know if I got our relationship a little more across or not, but regardless, I do appreciate that you all took the time to reply =) <3

Posted on July 5, 2013 at 5:04 pm
Claire27
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Oh, and Cheekymar and Canooknic - thank you so much for volunteering to be on standby at or near Christmas for my delivery ;)  *HUGS*

Posted on July 5, 2013 at 5:07 pm
Canooknic
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Well, I'm happy to be on stand-by!!
I'm only a 19hr drive away (if you're in Denver like your bio says!) so if you call me after your first contraction and maybe stand on your head for a little while I can probably make it - I don't mind a couple of speeding tickets!!
Posted on July 5, 2013 at 5:23 pm
kristinkay
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04/05/2009
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I totally did not mean to imply anything about your relationship - I obviously have no idea what it's like and even if I did what works for one couple doesn't for another so it wouldn't really matter what I thought. I just wanted to make sure you knew what you need is important and I think in this case more important than what he is and is not comfortable with. If you are okay with him not being there then that's fine but please do get a doula and make sure you take care of your needs regardless of cost. Labor is one of those things where if you felt uncomfortable or scared during labor it might actually prevent you from progressing so you need to make sure that you are fully supported. And I asked those questions about who would drive you and such because you said your husband didn't want to be a part of the labor at all. As you will learn in your Bradley classes you may have a very long early labor where you are at home so I think discussing how you will handle that is important. And that's great that he plans to be at the hospital in case decisions need to be made. Or you might have a labor like my second where honestly if my husband hadn't wanted to be there he would have had to book it out if the room once we got to the birth center because it happened so fast. By the time I realized I was in labor and we made the decision to start driving there I started progressing really fast and was in transition by the time we got there- and my son was born very quickly after that. So in that case would your husband not want to be around if you were going through transition at home? Just things to think about. You really need to put yourself first. Birth, especially natural childbirth can be a crazy emotional experience and its important you really feel taken care of. I had four people waiting on me the entire time I was in labor with my second and I couldn't imagine any one of them not being there.
Posted on July 5, 2013 at 6:10 pm
dorkmeetsnerd
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dorkmeetsnerd

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KristinKay made some very good points!  Perhaps a doula is not something you want to skimp on, given that she will be your primary companion and coach. 

Posted on July 6, 2013 at 2:25 am
kristinkay
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Is your husband planning on going to your Bradley classes with you? Or will you have a support person with you? I ask this because while I totally loved my Bradley classes and recommend them to everyone they are basically all about your husband or partner helping you in labor. We spent at least three classes doing pain management exercises in which your spouse did relaxation techniques with you and it seems like honestly it would be mostly pointless to do it alone. I was chatting with my husband a bit about this last night and I think if he wasn't there I would have wanted at least two people - probably my mom or sister and a doula. If you have a long labor your support person will need a break and so an additional person would ensure you always have someone there for you. And you may want to look into hypo birthing or birthing from within it something that focus less on the support person.
Posted on July 6, 2013 at 10:48 am
October9_2010Bride
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October9_2010Bride

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October9_2010Bride

Sending you hugs, Claire.  As long as you respect your husbands decision that's all that matters.  It really wasn't all that long ago that the father wasn't allowed in the delivery room at all anyway.  My DH will be there but I don't know how he's going to handle the situation.  He's a police officer so on one hand I think he'll be great but since it's with me I just don't know.  Also, with his schedule it's really hard for him to take off so I really don't know how our birthing classes are going to work out.  I'm definitely considering a doula for more support.

Posted on July 8, 2013 at 3:38 am
_MNM
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10/01/2010

_MNM

Comment has been removed by Project Wedding due to a violation of our Terms of Use
Posted on July 8, 2013 at 8:45 am
DansMrs
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06/23/2012
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I'm late showing up to this convo but I'm sending you hugs. The doula that facilitated our birth class stated she's seen a lot of men tell her that they can't be in the room, they can't do it. Came down to the wire, and they were in there holding their wive's hands. That said, everybody is different.


Regarding hiring a doula - you work with them before delivery so by the time that delivery comes, they're no longer strangers. HTH. I wish I were closer to you, I'd be your coach in a heartbeat. :)

Posted on July 9, 2013 at 4:34 am

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