Yours/Mine/Ours

DH and I are still getting in the "groove" of being a married couple. We've run into a few things where I wondered how other people do it...


-Do you each have your own space in your home? (Does he have a man cave, do you have a place that is YOURS, etc.) Do you run into any issues (trying to share space if you don't have individual spaces, or keeping out of one another's spaces if you do)?


-Are your finances joint or separate? Do you each have your own "spending money" but the bills come from the same place, or is everything combined? Who is in charge of monitoring your finances?


-Do you each have your own group of friends, or are they all "OUR friends"? Do you take the time to hang out with your friends without your SO? How do you feel about it? (Do you ask each other for permission, do you feel guilty about it, is it no big deal, whatever.)


-Do you have YOUR stuff and he has HIS stuff? Is some stuff OUR stuff---or is everything OURS? Does it make a difference if you purchased/got it before you merged households?


I guess I'm just looking for some insight into how other couples balance between being a couple and being two individuals!

Posted on February 14, 2011 at 4:38 am
LadyHope
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lsjhik
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-Do you each have your own space in your home? (Does he have a man cave, do you have a place that is YOURS, etc.) Do you run into any issues (trying to share space if you don't have individual spaces, or keeping out of one another's spaces if you do)? We currently don't our own space in our home, but we have a tiny 1 bedroom condo in the city.  Eventually, we hope to have a larger home with a game room and a barn (his-game room, mine-barn).  For now, we don't seem to be bugged by it too much.


-Are your finances joint or separate? Do you each have your own "spending money" but the bills come from the same place, or is everything combined? Who is in charge of monitoring your finances? I am 100% in charge of finances and everything is shared.


-Do you each have your own group of friends, or are they all "OUR friends"? Do you take the time to hang out with your friends without your SO? How do you feel about it? (Do you ask each other for permission, do you feel guilty about it, is it no big deal, whatever.) We have a large shared group of friends, and then we have our individual groups.  We mostly do stuff as a couple, but I get together with just the girls at least once a month and he does the same with the boys.  It's a nice balance.


-Do you have YOUR stuff and he has HIS stuff? Is some stuff OUR stuff---or is everything OURS? Does it make a difference if you purchased/got it before you merged households? Everything is "ours."  Even things that we had from before us, are ours.  He jokes that he folds "his" thongs and puts away "his" make up and straightner when I leave it out ;-)

Posted on February 14, 2011 at 6:34 am
winterbride2011
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We have our own space, kind of.  He has a "man cave" with the largest TV in the house, loudest surround sound system, etc.  He's got manly artwork on the wall, Scarface coasters, etc.  My space is everywhere else :)  I take up the largest space in our walk-in closet, we tend to decorate more to my taste (although he does "approve" some items), etc.  He let me paint our office Tiffany blue!  I think its more important for guys to have their own space...women seem to adjust better with shared spaces.  Even at my parents house my dad has his own "man cave" where he has total control over decor, set-up, etc - my mom even makes him dust this room himself so she doesn't disturb anything. 


We're not married yet, so finances are separate.  When we come back from our HM we'll go to the bank to get a joint account.  We'll have separate spending money, but a joint account for everything else.  We want more common financial goals and accountability to each other.


Some of our individual friends are starting to become "our" friends, because we're going out more as couples.  But we still have our own groups of friends.  We don't ask permission to go out with them, but a respectful "we don't have anything going on Friday, right?  I think I'll go out with the guys".  We always check with each other before committing to friends.


Its all OUR stuff whether we brought it into the relationship or bought it together.  Although I slipped yesterday.  One of my brothers was commenting on how I lived at home rent free.  I said "you know the furniture you're sitting on?  I bought it with money I saved living at home".  True, but it really is OUR furniture - it was custom made and we jointly chose the furniture set we wanted, the fabric, pillows, etc.  He actually got "his choice" for the fabric :)

Posted on February 14, 2011 at 7:29 am
GatorBride
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-Do you each have your own space in your home? (Does he have a man cave, do you have a place that is YOURS, etc.) Do you run into any issues (trying to share space if you don't have individual spaces, or keeping out of one another's spaces if you do)? We don't have our own spaces. He probably would have a man cave if his pesky wife didn't insist upon having a guest bedroom... But he took it in stride. We really don't have a lot of "my space/your space" issues since we tend to have a lot of common interests and do most things together. But each of us does try to get out of the house to pursue our individual interests (maintaining our friendships, shopping, golfing, etc).


-Are your finances joint or separate? Do you each have your own "spending money" but the bills come from the same place, or is everything combined? Who is in charge of monitoring your finances? Right now, they're separate, but lately we've been discussing combining and doing things a little differently. I currently pay our joint bills online or by direct withdrawal, and he just deposits his portion into my bank account monthly.


-Do you each have your own group of friends, or are they all "OUR friends"? Do you take the time to hang out with your friends without your SO? How do you feel about it? (Do you ask each other for permission, do you feel guilty about it, is it no big deal, whatever.) We have yours, mine, & ours. We each have friends that are our own, plus a large group of couples we spend time with together. We both need the freedom to spend time with our own friends, and continue to cultivate those relationships. No guilt, no asking (unless it involves an overnight trip or something). The only time it becomes an issue is if one of us bails on something we've planned or stays out MUCH longer than planned and annoys the other ;) 


-Do you have YOUR stuff and he has HIS stuff? Is some stuff OUR stuff---or is everything OURS? Does it make a difference if you purchased/got it before you merged households? We each have some things the other would never want (haha), but for the most part everything is ours. We don't really make the distinction anymore; at least, once we broke the habit of saying "my..."


Posted on February 15, 2011 at 2:16 am
LadyHope
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I guess I can give my own input ;) so far...


-Do you each have your own space in your home? (Does he have a man cave, do you have a place that is YOURS, etc.) Do you run into any issues (trying to share space if you don't have individual spaces, or keeping out of one another's spaces if you do)?  Our current place is a studio apartment. That means eeeeeeeverything is together. DH wakes up eaaaaarly on the weekends but I like to sleep in--but he can't even turn on the TV without me hearing! So definitely no personal space at this point. We want to move into an actual 1 bedroom with separate sleeping/living spaces... for now, that'll be enough "personal space". :D


-Are your finances joint or separate? Do you each have your own "spending money" but the bills come from the same place, or is everything combined? Who is in charge of monitoring your finances? We just combined finances. We decided to try having $20 cash each per week to spend as we like--lunches, or save it up for something bigger. I'm in charge right now, mostly because I haven't overdrawn my bank account in years and DH seems to do it regularly... I don't want to become the Financial Harpy who calls DH and screeches at him over every purchase on the card, though... *coughcoughCOWORKERcoughcough*


-Do you each have your own group of friends, or are they all "OUR friends"? Do you take the time to hang out with your friends without your SO? How do you feel about it? (Do you ask each other for permission, do you feel guilty about it, is it no big deal, whatever.) I, uh... don't have friends... but DH has lots. Some we hang out with together (we go to live team trivia every week with a couple of them), some are his gaming buddies. I am like GatorBride... I don't mind if he goes out as long as he doesn't bail on plans we already made. He acts like he expects me to be psychotic and clingy, and always feels guilty if he leaves me at home while he hangs out with friends... but sometimes it's nice to have some alone time!! ;) I really don't care--I know he just "asks me" before making plans because he has the WORST memory ever and would definitely forget if we had already scheduled something.


-Do you have YOUR stuff and he has HIS stuff? Is some stuff OUR stuff---or is everything OURS? Does it make a difference if you purchased/got it before you merged households? It's mostly still Mine vs His--a lot of it's because we have duplicates of things and don't really know what all we have, so I go dig through MY stuff to see if I have a thingamajig and he checks HIS stuff to find a whatsis... Etc. We haven't made a lot of big joint purchases yet to call "ours".

Posted on February 15, 2011 at 8:42 am
GatorBride
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"I don't want to become the Financial Harpy who calls DH and screeches at him over every purchase on the card, though... *coughcoughCOWORKERcoughcough*"


@ LadyHope - Too funny! I happen to know one of these as well ;)

Posted on February 15, 2011 at 9:47 am
LadyHope
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I'm tempted to elaborate, but once I get started on that woman it's hard to stop! :P

Posted on February 16, 2011 at 2:22 am
adamsapple
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-Do you each have your own space in your home? (Does he have a man cave, do you have a place that is YOURS, etc.) Do you run into any issues (trying to share space if you don't have individual spaces, or keeping out of one another's spaces if you do)? We won't be moving in together until we are married.  We will be in a 1 bedroom flat but it will have a garage.  We came to the conclusion that FI will be primarily in charge of the garage and that will be there for him for chill out time, his own space, his bike workshop etc...  At the moment he stays at mine quite a lot and although we share my room, we don't have any real issues with it.


-Are your finances joint or separate? Do you each have your own "spending money" but the bills come from the same place, or is everything combined? Who is in charge of monitoring your finances?   For now, they are all separate but once we are married we will have a joint account for bills etc and then our own accounts as well.


-Do you each have your own group of friends, or are they all "OUR friends"? Do you take the time to hang out with your friends without your SO? How do you feel about it? (Do you ask each other for permission, do you feel guilty about it, is it no big deal, whatever.) We have a large shared group of friends, but we also have our own groups which I think is important.


-Do you have YOUR stuff and he has HIS stuff? Is some stuff OUR stuff---or is everything OURS? Does it make a difference if you purchased/got it before you merged households?   Some things are our own and some things we share :)


Posted on February 16, 2011 at 2:55 am
inspiritedbeing
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-Do you each have your own space in your home? (Does he have a man cave, do you have a place that is YOURS, etc.) Do you run into any issues (trying to share space if you don't have individual spaces, or keeping out of one another's spaces if you do)?


I *kinda* have my own space, but he's welcome in it. We live in a 2 bedroom 2 bath condo and the second bedroom is pretty much my extra room. It isn't officially mine and he's welcome in there, but its where my closet and most of my things reside. I think after living together for a few years we've learned to have alone time while being in the same room as one another if that makes any sense at all (=


-Are your finances joint or separate? Do you each have your own "spending money" but the bills come from the same place, or is everything combined? Who is in charge of monitoring your finances?


All our finances are joint. We have this program for budgeting (that syncs with our bank account!) that you make multiple "envelopes" that gets a certain dollar amount or percentage of our income automatically put in every month/pay period. We have envelopes for things my/his clothes, groceries, my/his nights out, emergency, large purchases etc etc. It keeps track of how much each of us has spent, and can spend on a certain category.  When it comes to money, I spend it and he budgets it.


-Do you each have your own group of friends, or are they all "OUR friends"? Do you take the time to hang out with your friends without your SO? How do you feel about it? (Do you ask each other for permission, do you feel guilty about it, is it no big deal, whatever.)


We are very much not a "we couple" (ie couples who need to be surgically removed from each others hip. The couple who when you invite one of them to do something responds with "oh yeah, we'll be there) . We have separate friends completely. We get along and know each others friends, but we both feel its important to have time spent alone with friends. I've been invited out by his friends, but most times I decline. Most of the exceptions being that they are seeing a movie I really want to see or I need to eat and they are going out.


-Do you have YOUR stuff and he has HIS stuff? Is some stuff OUR stuff---or is everything OURS? Does it make a difference if you purchased/got it before you merged households?


Aside from things like clothes, we consider pretty much consider everything ours no matter the cost, who bought it, or when it was purchased.  


ETA - I asked FI. He said everything is pretty much our but our laptops, cell phones etc. So pretty much anything we own two of becomes a yours and mine kinda deal (=


 

Posted on February 16, 2011 at 5:05 pm
msdl
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-Do you each have your own space in your home? (Does he have a man cave, do you have a place that is YOURS, etc.) Do you run into any issues (trying to share space if you don't have individual spaces, or keeping out of one another's spaces if you do)? We won't be moving in together until we are married.  We will be in either a two or three bedroom house (living on a military base), so I think we will each be able to have some private space. To be honest, I will probably need it more than FI. He considers us together to be "alone" and I consider alone "alone". LOL! I just like having quiet "me" time sometimes :-)


-Are your finances joint or separate? Do you each have your own "spending money" but the bills come from the same place, or is everything combined? Who is in charge of monitoring your finances?   For now, they are all separate. We will be opening our joint account soon for bills. We will maintain our separate accounts for personal spending.


-Do you each have your own group of friends, or are they all "OUR friends"? Do you take the time to hang out with your friends without your SO? How do you feel about it? (Do you ask each other for permission, do you feel guilty about it, is it no big deal, whatever.) We each have our own friends. Most of them are coupled up, so if we do couples things with either group (his or mine), then of course we all go! But my couple friends probably wouldn't hang out with his couple friends, if that makes sense. We also each do things frequently with just the girls or guys, respectively. I think we have a great balance overall.


-Do you have YOUR stuff and he has HIS stuff? Is some stuff OUR stuff---or is everything OURS? Does it make a difference if you purchased/got it before you merged households?   Some things are our own and some things we share. I think after we move in together, things will be more "ours" :-)



Posted on February 18, 2011 at 4:40 am
em724
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I-Do you each have your own space in your home? (Does he have a man cave, do you have a place that is YOURS, etc.) Do you run into any issues?


I use our guest room as my 'landing' space. I keep extra clothes, shoes, etc. in there. The den in the basement started out as the man cave but it also houses the laundry room. So if you want to hang out in the man cave - you've got to do the laundry =) Plus, I just added a treadmill to the area.


-Are your finances joint or separate? Do you each have your own "spending money" but the bills come from the same place, or is everything combined? Who is in charge of monitoring your finances?


We have joint and separate. We adpoted a bill paying habit before we were married that we are working to adjust.  He pays cable, mortgage, and cell phones. I pay car, credit cards, and Raymour & Flanigan.


-Do you each have your own group of friends, or are they all "OUR friends"? Do you take the time to hang out with your friends without your SO? How do you feel about it? (Do you ask each other for permission, do you feel guilty about it, is it no big deal, whatever.)


I have my friends, he has his friends and their wives have become my friends. All friends can hang out with no problem. We each spend time with our friends w/o each other - no big deal.


-Do you have YOUR stuff and he has HIS stuff? Is some stuff OUR stuff---or is everything OURS? Does it make a difference if you purchased/got it before you merged households?


He laughs at me because it all started with "my wedding" I am trying really hard to say "ours".


Posted on February 18, 2011 at 9:27 am

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