Advice: how to deal with SIL

I've mentioned a couple of times on here that my SIL and I aren't really speaking... to keep it shorter.... she screwed me over when I was supposed to pick up my niece for apple picking, because I was going to drop Ana off at her mom's when we were done.  My new SIL hates my bro's ex.  She wanted me to lie to the ex and say that I couldn't get Ana.  I said that was wrong and I would not lie for them.  SIL just wanted my niece to stay with them, so they could count that day as a day that the ex was a "no-show" to pick up her kid.  totally f-ed up and wrong.  I refused and was not allowed to pick up my niece as a result. 

Now, this just so happened to be the day that one of the kids I nannyed for was having her second brain surgery.  This conversation took place while I was still waiting to hear if Erin had come out of surgery.  I was very stressed and emotional.  I told SIL she was causing un-needed drama and stress at a time when I really didn't need anymore to deal with.  Her reply was" Well, Michele, everyone has problems in their life YOU just need to learn how to handle them better."   I hung up the phone. I was shocked.  I instantly received several texts from SIL, in all caps, telling me I wasn't ALLOWED to hang up on her, how dare I, etc. etc.   I did not reply.  I called my bro when I had calmed down and told him I didn't yell at his wife, that I hung up because I was crying to hard to speak, and that from now on until she has legally adopted my niece that I did not want her being involved with when I see Ana.  SIL is a control freak and now bro doesn't even acknowledge my existence.

Now, my fam did not like this girl.  I did like her and was always defending her to the family.  I am super disappointed.  I just can't believe she said that to me.  She has had some crappy things happen this past year, and I supported her and was a shoulder for her to cry on A LOT.  Everytime I think of her comment, I get an angry knot in my stomach.  The holidays are coming up and my family is pressuring me to bury the hatchet.  I just don't know if I can do it this time.... I really feel like she owes me an apology. 

She is pregnant and they are having twins.  When they found this out a month ago they called everyone they know EXCEPT DH and I to tell them.  Even announced it to the world of facebook.  My mom is throwing her a baby shower in a few weeks and is throwing a fit because I told her I don't want anything to do with it.  Sorry so long- would have been a book if i went into detail. ugh.

any advice?

WHEW!!!  she sounds like a piece of work!

[[[[ hugs ]]]]

i'd give a gift - he is your bro after all, and you will be an auntie - dont take it out on the twinsies ;-)

but i'd also not attend... it would have to be a cold day in hades for me to attend after someone has been so rude etc...

yes i know we all die and should be forgiving etc- but as long as i was okay with my bro - i couldnt give 2 flying broomsticks about the person who married into my family kwim?

as long as my brother knows i still love him and will love the twins - albeit from afar - it would be okay...

it's to be expected he take his wife's "side" -- i mean that's his wife ya kwno?? but that doesnt mean you cant be his sister still

GL!

I'm not mad at my bro.  he's afraid to cross his wife... I do plan on sending him a gift for the twins.  I think I'm going to knit them blankets on my semester break.  I'll just send them to him when I get them done. 

Its really sad because DH and I are really really attached to my two year old niece and now we haven't seen her in three months.  My sister is supposed to have her tomorrow and I can't wait to see her.  But, if SIL catches on that I might see Ana, she might not let her go to my sister's house.  I love being an aunt (and I'm really, really good at it).  I love kids, especially little ones.  That's why I'm getting  my master's in early childhood education.  :-)  DH and I can't wait to have kids of our own, but we aren't going to start trying until next fall... I'll be done with grad school and hopefully have a job.  we're hoping he can go to school fulltime to finish his bachelors while being a stay at home dad. :-)

Its also sad because I spent most of the last three years as a nanny for twin girls (who are now 3 1/2).... I could have been a big help to them....

good idea!   it can be done - maintaining a good relationsihp w/ your bro - but not really "dealing" with her...

knitting seems so relaxing - maybe i should learn!

Take it from someone who is in an extremely tense situation over the darling I love and want to be my flower girl: for the sake of your future relationship with your niece and the twins on the way - do whatever you have to do within reason to stay on good terms with the mother.

It's not worth the possibility of losing touch and time with the little ones - trust me on this one. You'll be a lot more hurt at the prospect of non-contact or little contact with them.

She is your brother's wife.  He is probably always going to take her side.  You would be mad if DH took his family's side over you, so you really can't fault him for taking her side, even if she is the one that's wrong.

She obviously is in control at their house.  She isn't letting you she HIS kid.  She sure as hell isn't going to let you see THEIR kids.  If you want to see your niece and the new twins, you are going to have to make up with her.

Is it more important to be "right" and wait for her to apolgogize (which is never gonna happen btw), or is it more important to see those sweet babies?  The choice is yours.  If you want to see them, suck it up and make nice with the B*.  The shower is a golden opportunity to do it.

Dirty- Knitting is TOTALLY relaxing.  I love it.  My grandmother tried to teach me to crochet my whole life and I just couldn't get it.  But a co-worker taught me how to knit a few years ago and I love it.  For me, two needles seem to be easier than one. :-)  If you really want to try to learn, I recommend picking up the Stitch'n'Bitch book.  Its got really simple to understand explanations on how to knit, for both left and right handers...

My niece WAS one of my beautiful flowergirls

My bro and SIL don't exactly live close (about an hour away), and they didn't really make it a point to involve our side of the family before all this.  I only see my niece when I take the time to drive out to their house as it is, and I don't have time for that right now with student teaching and night classes.  My sis is supposed to drive to pick her up tomorrow because my lil nephew has been asking for his Ana.  He just loves her to death.  I doubt they will come to my parents house on thanksgiving- SIL's family lives an hour in the other direction from their house, so they will prolly go there.  DH and I won't be around for xmas or new years- we're taking our belated honeymoon.  but we are having a family get together on Dec 19 with my family and my inlaws, and my sis feels like SIL is going to be furious if I don't invite her......but why would I?  DH and I want to celebrate the season with the people that we love and that love us with no drama.  thatwon't happen with her there.

I'd send a gift but not go to the shower. The kids shouldn't be punished for the parents' behavior. Just give yourself some distance and see if she apologizes.

I also forgot to mention that we STILL have not received a thank you note from their may 2009 wedding, which is another reason that I am less inclined to attend her baby shower or send her a gift....

Ummm, this is hard b/c she is a part of the family. I think you should be the bigger person and go to the shower and be cordial to her. She is family... and we all have to grin and bear it for the sake of family.

Just to give you another perspective... I have never met my uncle on my dad's side due to stupid drama. It was all over baby pictures... back in the 80's there were no scanners or photo sharing websites; the only way to get the pictures were from the photographer himself.

So my mom ordered 8x10s for herself and the grandparents and 4x6s for all the aunts & uncles. My mom sends them all out... when my grandma (who was living on the East Coast at the time) and my uncle (who lived close to grandma) get theirs my mom gets a phone call from my uncles wife b!tching about how she didn't get an 8x10... petty? yes!

My mom explained the cost for all the aunts and uncles to get 8x10s and how it was not economical, blah, blah... I guess that my uncles wife would not take that as answer.. so my mom told her to get over it and she was being petty... uncles wife hung up and we have never heard from them ever again; no b-day cards, x-mas cards... nothing. 

I think my dad ran into his brother once at a funeral... but that is it! We live on the same coast now and they have never made contact with each other. They find out about each other through their sister... It's quite sad. 

Some people are SO suborn that they will never apologize for their actions! Your SIL might be that way.... think about it.