Bridesmaid Issues - Please help!

So I am 40 days away from the wedding (eek!) and I am having some major bridesmaid woes.

A while back I had posted about one of my bridesmaids wanting to get a tattoo before the wedding. She described what she was thinking of, and it sounded horrible to me. I am not anti-tattoo, but these were just... yeah. So we talked about it and I asked her if she could wait until after the wedding. She made me out to be a big bridezilla, etc. So I turned into one and told her if she got the tattoo and I didn't like it, then it WOULD be covered. I would pay for it to be covered, but it WOULD be covered, or she could sit with the guests. There was a disagreement over the fact that its her body, but its my pictures. It never really got resolved.

She got the tattoo. It is a half-sleeve, it is all black and it looks HORRID. I don't want it in my pictures. So I have been on the hunt for shawls to give to my bridesmaids as part of their gift to keep it covered.

When she agreed to be my bridesmaid, she asked if she could stay with me the week of the wedding. I told her no, because my fiance's family will be here. She said OK, she'd stay with family. Now she is begging me to help her with a hotel room because she is broke. When I was MoH for her wedding a few years ago, she didn't help me at all financially. I wasn't offered a place to stay with her, and I had to fend for myself for a lot of meals.

At the start she asked if she had to grow our her hair, and I said of course not. As long as it wasn't spiky or a mohawk or anything crazy, I was pretty open. Now when I am asking her for pictures of styles she might want to send to my hairdresser, she replies with "fauxhawk".

I have asked multiple times if she has shoes, and she hasn't answered. She is complaining about having to get her hair done because she is so broke (another thing I told them at the start, hair I wanted done professionally and makeup was optional). She also hasn't paid me back for her dress, which I found off the rack so I bought them and sent them to my girls. It was only $30 so it isn't horrible, but still.

There was even a point where she was looking at getting a new job and said that she wouldn't book the time off for the wedding. Um. OK? New jobs are usually pretty open if you have a long-standing commitment of over a year to be away for 5 days.

My gut is telling me that she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore, but she doesn't want to quit. I don't want to just fire her without talking to her, and even with all the disruptions, I don't know that I would just fire her anyways. I can't get another person to be a bridesmaid on such short notice, and her dress won't fit anyone else anyways.

I have no idea what to do. Any advice?

Ugh, big hugs to you that your BM is being a pain in the butt. I would just sit down and talk to her and tell her that if she doesn't want to cooperate or be in the wedding, then she can be done. Don't sweat it.. if your wedding party is uneven, that's okay. Would you rather look back and be mad that she was in your wedding or look back and have an uneven wedding party full of people you love and who made the experience memorable?

Good luck, hun! So sorry to hear you're having trouble with her!

if this was me, i would say "is everything ok? im really starting to feel the stress of the wedding & i want to make sure you are still into the idea of being my BM. btw, here are some hairstyles that i think will look amazing on you!" it would have been my last straw at the tattoo episode. im also not a tattoo person AT ALL. a small flower on your hip or foot, eh, ok. but a half/full sleeve, on a girl?! im sorry, tahts just distasteful! so that right there would have been the boot out of my wedding. hair wise, she HAS to do what you say. if you dont want her to wear a fauxhawk, she wont wear a fauxhawk. i would however, print or email her other options so she knows exactly the style you are looking for. her wanting help with a hotel & possibly not taking off of work, just makes her sound like a B. i would never ask the bride financially for help. shes planning a damn wedding! so like i origionally said, you need to have a long sit down with her! you may wind up being much more at ease if she just kicks rocks, even if your numbers are uneven, you will be able to figure our what to do with an odd number of attendants at your rehersal. GL!!!!

Wowo!!! Yours sounds as bad as mine or perhaps worse.  I posted probably two times regarding my bridesmaids woes.  I am also 40 days out. The dresses came in the first week of April and none of them had went in for their first fitting. They were complaining about the shoes that I finally picked out when I told them to go pick out shoes themselves but of couse no one did it. One of my bridesmaid's is my best friend and she told me that she didn't think she could afford her dress and did they have an option that she could rent with an option to buy. That did it for me. I went bridezilla on them two weeks ago and told them I don't care what they look like because all eyes would be on me and that I would be the only one walking down the aisle.

We both only have 40 days to go and at this point we should not be stressing out about bridesmaids.  I originally had five but she was scared to tell me that she couldn't afford her dress. If I had not text her because she had not even ordered it yet, she would have never told me. If I were you, I would ask her pointblank if she is going to be in the wedding or not.  It sounds like she is doing all these things so you will get fed up and kick her out the wedding. 

You are too close to your date not to know where she is coming from and I am sure you don't have extra money to pay for hotel rooms, get her shoes and whatever else she may need.  You will feel a lot better once you get it off your chest.  Good luck!

Offta I am so sorry you are having these problems with your BM. It does sort of sound like she is having second thoughts on the wedding. I would just ask her- "Is everything ok? I know you have been having a hard time and all but it just seems to me like you aren't really feeling up to being in the bridal party. If that is the case... just let me know. I just don't want our relationship to become strained over this awkward tension between us over wedding stuff."

Something to that effect. I think that it shows that you still care about her and the friendship but also points out that something is wrong and needs to change. Hopefully it will help. Best of luck girlie!

So, I sent her a Facebook message in what I thought was a respectful tone...
I cited the issues (tattoo, hair, not booking time off work if she got a new job, etc.) and just asked if everything was OK. I told her I just needed to know if she wasn't feeling up to it anymore and if she did need to back out I wouldn't hold it against her, etc.

She spazzed. She unfriended me on FB, told me that having a friend there regardless of how she looks should have been the most important thing to me, etc. She claims she will be sending the dresses back (she had two different sizes) but I don't know if I can trust her to do that.

I want to damage control our friendship, but not necessarily the bridesmaid situation. I think her being there would just cause undue tension. But I am upset that she took it so personally when I didn't intend (and clearly stated as such) for it to be a personal attack or anything.

Yay for added stress! 37 days to go!

oh man, im sorry she reacted that way. but you wanted her to be your bridesmaid, not flower girl. and that reaction was one of a child!! you will be happier with out her!! 37 days woohoo!

I completely understand your stress-especially with your wedding being so close there's a lot of pressure on you right now. Honestly though, I wouldn't get upset over a tattoo. You asked her to be a bm because of who she is, not what she looks like on the outside. With everything that you have going on right now, I just wouldn't let the stress of her get to you and bring you down. You need to worry about you and you only. If she wants to behave that way that's on her, and she'll have to deal with the regret down the road. You're going to have an amazing day with or without her. Good luck!

Keep going.  It's your wedding anyway.  Enjoy and ignore what happened.  You can always go back anytime to fix the issue in any other day.  But for now concentrate on your 'big day'.

Cheers!

Awww, *hugs! I'm sorry you are going through that! I have a few friends like that. I can't stand it when we get into a fight/arguement with then they delete me off FB! It's like really? Do you feel better now?

But what can ya do? It's not your fault that she is acting like that, not getting her shoes, hair stuff, and etc. You have other things to stress and worry about! Goodluck! 37 dayz is coming up quick!! :)