cant stop crying and shaking...

ok. this is going to be a long story and i wasnt orginally goign to post it, but you all have been so great to me for the last year and a half that i figured you will give me the best advice.

i am getting married on saturday to a great man. BUT i was terrified of his b-party because i didnt want him drinking to much, touching strippers, smoking pot etc...

i made it very clear to him if this, we even got into a fight a few weeks ago because i was so much against it. his party was on saturday and i stayed with my parents all day/and even spent the night at their house just so i wouldnt tihnk about what he was doing at that point.. he next day my brother comes and tells me my fi had 3 lap dances. igot so upset! finally i saw my fi and i asked him and he said he only had 1, then i said my brother said he had 3 and he admitted to the 3. he was very very wasted but didnt smoke pot. i coulnt belive that he had 3 lap dances. they also went to a number of clubs and he freaked with like 50 thousand girls!

i was so upset that i coudldnt even sleep in the same bed at him. in fact, i didnt sleep all night because everytime i closed my eyes i pictured him with some nasty ass hoe naked on top of him.

this morning i calmed down a bit.. and in the car on the way to work he tells me he touched the strippers asses and tits while they were giving him lap dances! then he tells me that they went back to one of the guys house and had ANOTHER FUCKING STRIPPPPER!

i have been crying and shaking non stop since i found all this out. i cant handle myself. i feel like he cheated on me. i feel like he knew how upset i would get and did it anyways. i can somewhat understand the dancing and the lap dances... but why did he have to touch them? why?

my wedding is in a week and i cant even look at him. he tried to kiss me on the cheeck this mroning and i couldnt do it. i dont know whats wrong with me. most girls wouldnt react this way. i feel i cant trust him. i tried and tried to talk to him about it but after one word i start balling and he gets mad at me.

what am i supposed to do now?

( sorry for the misspellings, i'm not up to correcting them)

Ay Inga....I'm so sorry that your FI let you down.

The only advice I would give you is that if you're going to marry him this Saturday, you're going to have to forgive him.  I know that's hard and you may not want to right now, but you can't go back and change the past, and you need to move forward.  You know that he is a great man, and you need to concentrate on that.

Not that I'm defending what he did, but his friends probably set everything up and he probably didn't have much *choice* about what they were going to do.  Obviously he didn't have to touch her, but those strippers sometimes grab the guy's hands and put them all over them.  I wouldn't be exactly thrilled if my FI had a lap dance for his Bachelor party, but as long as his mouth didn't touch her, or her mouth didn't touch him, I think I would just deal.

I know its easier said than done, but let it go.  He loves you.  He's marrying you.  He is a great man.  Its a stupid party where men feel they have to act like idiots.  But its over and done with.  Let him know that it upset you because you specifically asked him not to touch any strippers, and that you will never again tolerate that behavior.  But then you have to let it go so you can enjoy your wedding on Saturday.  Just try to remember all the wonderful things about him, and why you love him so much. 

Sending you a big *hug*!!

how am i supposed to let this go? everyone is telling me do that. how?

hahaha, I have the same problem, letting things go that is. I just don't know how to do it!!

Oh, I sent you a PM iklein =)

Forgiveness.  That's the only way you can let it go.  Again, easier said than done, I know.  Has he asked you go forgive him?  Does he seem genuinely sorry to have hurt you? 

Check you PM...

When you told him that you didn't want him doing all that stuff, what did he say?  did he promise that he wouldn't?

Why did your brother go tell you what happened? 

If he was THAT drunk, and had all his boys rooting for him...its quite possible that he was just in the moment trying to be a "man" in front of his buddies...or maybe doesn't even had a clear recollection of what went on...

Right now, Today...what is your fear/concearn about your fiance? 

Lastly, maybe he just needed to get all the childish bachelor boy crap out of his system before honorably commiting to you, the woman he loves, next week. 

i agree with prbetsi75 -

i am a huge grudge holder (it's the sicilian in me) but in this case i try my hardest to put it behind you guys so you can enjoy the week leading up to your wedding.  you won't get this time back.  i know that's easier said than done.

i'm sorry you're going through this.

no! he is yelling at me because i cant stop crying! i have become sick over this. i have trhrown up, am burning up, my head is throbbing, i feel like im gonna faint.. not to mention i cant stop crying at all! he does not seem sorry at all

Ohhh Inga!!  I am so sorry you have to go through this  a week before the wedding!  I agree with everything betsi said.  He probably didn't have much choice in the matter, guys definitely rile each other up when there together, and he's still young so he probably felt 'entitled' to it before he was married.  Stupid?  YES!! But I don't think he'd be marrying you if he wasn't ready for commitment.

How is he responding to your pain?  Is he being comforting, is he assuring you that it meant nothing?  

I'd say the most important thing at this point, since you can't change the past...is to work with what you've got.  He needs to hear WHY you're so upset.  And in a calm, discussion manner.  And start it off with, I love you so much, and I can't wait to marry you, but this b-party has really scared me.  Then go into your feelings. Not just the jealousy part (which I would totally have too) but the part where it made you feel you can't trust him, where you feel like he cheated on you, that you can't get it out of your head, that you think he did have a choice what to do with his hands, and that you felt lied too b/c you had told him that you wouldn't appreciate it if there were strippers there.  Sometimes with FI I also turn it around and say...how would you feel if you had these images in your head, or if you had to deal with this?  Then he gets it.  Anyway, after you tell him your feelings rationally.... LET HIM EXPLAIN. 

Let him tell you that this isn't going to be something that happens regularly, that he's sorry for touching them (if he is) and that you're the one he's marrying b/c you're the one for him.  I'm assuming he's not normally the type of guy who frequents strip clubs since a) you are furious about it so i doubt he'd normally try and make it an issue and b) he went ALL OUT when he went.

And then Inga, you have to forgive him.  See in his eyes that this was it... and then let it go. 

On a side not, I have to say, I'm a bit peeved at your brother for telling you, sometimes it's just better we don't know.  But it's also nice that...yes after some probing... that your FI came clean.  Honesty is so important, even if we don't want to hear it sometimes.