Our minister (who did our pre-marital counseling) did an entire session on our parents' relationships.  He said whether we like it or not, what we grew up seeing is reflected in how we treat our spouse.  How did your parents fight?  Yelling?  Passive aggressive silent treatment?  As much as I hate it, a lot of the negative qualities I saw growing up often flare up with me too. What do you think?  Are you like your parents or no?

THAT is a loaded question Wildfire. . .

I think the fact that you recognize those 'negative' qualities in yourself is a good thing, because you can combat it.

Which is exactly how it is for me. . .it's not just relationship stuff but how I was raised in general.  My parents big stressor was money, and it doesn't matter WHAT kind of financial situation I'm in (good or bad) I get major anxiety. . .and that could easily translate to marital problems.  I have to check myself once in a while.  

Rarely did we hear or experience my parents fight - but sometimes my mom could get a little bit pms'y with my dad if he brought home the wrong canned beans or took an extra day to return something, and THAT used to make me nuts as a kid. . .I work really hard to make sure I don't do that to DH, because I could see the hurt and exasperation in my dad who really thought he had done the right thing.

Mountainbride is right, that is a loaded question.

My parents displayed some destructive behavior as I was growing up.  But they got divorced and my mother remarried.  And that has got to be one of the most loving relationships I have ever seen.  So now if what Wildfire says is true, am I going to or already am displaying the loving behavior that I currently see or the dysfunctional behavior I saw from many many years back?

my parents have been married 36 years. My father is an incessent alcohloic and my mother ignores and enables him.

The way I cater to my fh is because I saw my mother doing that for my father.

I've always heard that you always marry a man like your father. However I pray that doesn't happen

My dad moved out when I was 7 and moved away so we didn't see much of him ....

My mom didn't date until I was 12 -(mostly because my brother and I made it difficult for her)  :(

I was raised by a strong , determined , VERY independant woman ... and everyday I notice I am more and more like her ... maybe not quite as strong ... but Im very stubborn :)

My current DH shares some personality traits with my stepdad (mom remarried when I was 13) 

My father is a musician and my mothers biggest complaint was that he put the music before me and my brother (though we were grown adults before she admitted this)

I overheard enough as a child to know that the music and cheating ended my parents marriage ..... My first marriage was to a man that had cheated on me before we were even married .... DUH!  

My brother and I both love music and love singing and performing ...but we never pursued it .....the farthest we go is singing karaoke ..... deep down I know that is because of our dad ....he's still trying to make it big after all this time .... my brother especially strives to NOT be like him ,.... almost to a fault

well my parents have the absolute BEST relationship.  They've been married for over 25 years and they truly have a strong, loving relationship.  I say all the time that Danny and I will strive to have a marriage half as good as theirs.  Danny on the other hand:  His parents divorced when he was two and both remarried.  Neither step parents are very good spouses.  The stepmom is a HUGE bitch (huge.) and his step dad is no fun, serious all the time, not overly nice or affectionate to danny's mom at all.

so, from my parents we have someone to try to model our relationship after.  but from his, we've learned how NOT to treat each other.  actually when danny asked my parents to marry me, he talked about both his parents being divorced and how terrible it is and that its not even an option in our future.  i thought that was sweet :)

I think that can be true to a point, BUT I also think that some of the things you grow up seeing teach you how not be in your relationship.

Similarly to al0626 my DH's parents divorced when he was in high school and his dad is a very grumpy old man.  My DH is very aware of why his parents relationship didn't work out and he strives to do things differently than they did.  We've talked at length about this.

I on the other hand come from a family of strong marriages and my parents have been married for over 30 years.  I do find that I am a lot like my mom, who is a little stubborn but the very organized and caring one in the realtionship.

I think there are a lot of things you can learn, both good and bad from watching other peoples relationships...

I think it can go either way too.  For ex, I grew up with a strong, dominant father figure and a meek, submissive mom.  I am the COMPLETE opposite of this.  I have always said I would refuse to allow someone to control me/manipulate me.  My relationship with my husband (and when we were dating/engaged) has always been much more equal/balanced than my parents. 

My parents are still married, but shouldnt be. They're emotionally divorced and $$ is the big reason why they don't split. I do think they love each other, but they're not IN love anymore and should not be married. 

I remember some fighting when I was growing up, mostly during my teen years and there's definitely still a lot of it now. My mom likes to vent to me about it, which I get tired of, but she doesn't really have anyone else to talk to who understands how my dad can get (we think he's seriously bipolar, he gets really mean, says terrible things, yells, etc.) They pick on each other over dumb stuff and criticize each other a lot. I have made it a point in this relationship to not do that! I think my husband and I communicate more effectively and we try not to sweat the small stuff or insult each other. I married a guy who is the complete opposite of my father, but I could have very easily fallen into the trap of marrying a guy just like him! The guy I dated for 3.5 years before my husband was a lot like my dad and it scares me to think that I almost went down that path. I think your parents' relationship can definitely affect you positively or negatively if you let it!

omg missie1284, your post hit home.  My parents have been married for 39 years and I don't think they should still be married.  I grew up in a very "machista" household, where the only opinion that mattered was my fathers, since he was the money maker.  I remember being concerned about what my father would think, even as I became an adult.  He has always been very overbearing and controlling.  He has never been physically abusive, but he is very emotionally abusive and its put a toll on my mother.  I feel bad, b/c I just want her to be happy.  She thought about divorcing him when we were younger, but didn't do it b/c of us.  My brother and I are both adults now, but I think she's scared of change and what it will mean for her financial stability. I think this made me be a strong woman who could support myself with or without a man.  I don't know if this is good or bad, b/c when we (meaning me and DH) make financial decisions, I always think about if "I" can afford to it on my own if I have to, rather than can "we" afford it together.