Father in law DRAMA - long...sorry!

I've always known the wedding's not really for me. Of course it's ABOUT me, but it's not really held FOR me. If it were all for me, I'd prob just get a civil ceremony at the county court and forget about all this splurging and painful planning. Why would I wanna spend 20k+ on creating a beautiful wedding if I didn't want everyone to see it?
It's a day for me to say goodbye to family and friends and step into a new life. This means I need to thank everyone for everything they've done for me, and "look what I've grown into". It's a day of sharing happiness, really.
Anyway, back to your FIL. I'm sure he'd wanna have someone to hold hands with while watching you down the isle. His boy's all grown up and getting married... leaving the parents, in a way. It's gotta be a really mixed feeling for him, and I can see how he's upset that he can't bring a date. I'd think it's fine as long as the woman doesn't create any drama in the middle of the wedding.

If this were some other family member or guest, I would say don't let him bring anyone, but since its your FFIL, I wouldn't make that rule apply to him. Especially since your FMIL is remmarried and bringing her husband, he may feel awkward by himself, while everyone else is coupled up.

understand your points, but I don't have time to deal with other people's insecurities. I can understand if she was a long time girlfriend...but she's not. she's a date, the pick of the month. not anything long term. And you bring a date to a christmas party...not to your son's wedding. Are you there to entertain a date at a wedding? No...it's to be with your family and spend the day celebrating your son's wife. Not to bring a date to make sure you have a date to dance with. Your daughter will be there, so dance with her! lol thanks for your input anyhow...all valid points, but it is a big deal to me.

I think part of it depends on how close you and your FI are to his dad. Or at least how close your FI is to his father. If it was me (and I'm a pretty laid back person) I would let him bring his date because he is the father of the man you are going to marry but I would not allow her in the pictures. I doubt that your FFIL would want his flavor of the month in the pictures anyway. And if I was her (the date) I wouldn't want to be or expect to be in the pictures.
I'd have FI call his father back and lay down the ground rules: she is not allowed in the photos and/or she can't sit at the family table or whatever else. If he accepts these then he should be able to bring her.
Unless you know her and shes a drama queen, I would say you have a million other things to think about and on your wedding day this will be the last thing on your mind.

I don't know what his relationship is like with his ex-wife, but is it possible that he wants a date there with him because he is uncomfortable that she will be there with her current husband? I don't like the comment he made to you at all, and I would be deeply offended. I just am trying to figure out the motivation behind his need for her. It isn't about his insecurities, but it is as well. He wants to be able to celebrate and look back fondly on his day. Besides, a year is a significant amount of time to know someone.

And while the bar might be a small gift in the grand scheme of things, I am guessing that it is at least $1000 or so - a rather large gift in any other circumstance.

If you do allow her to come and even to sit at the family table so he will not have to be alone with ex and new husband, I would just make it very clear to both dad and the photog that she is NOT in family pictures!!

That really sux. This happened to a friend of mine we had to photoshop out someone out of a pic b/c this was a date that an uncle brought and now they aren't together. Thank god we know photoshop really well. Yo udon't want the hassle. Just tell him look this is the rule and we don't want her in the pix. My bio and I aren't close my step dad raised me and even though I invited my bio to the wedding (only b/c of my sisters) he is not in the wedding not walking me down the aisle etc. You FI's fater sounds like my bio-dad. Unreasonable and nasty when he doesn't get his way. He was saying he wasn't going to bring my sisters to the wedding (the y are young, 2,4 and 12) and I told him in that case he's not welcome unless he bring at least two. So he cooled down and now the 3 of them are coming. I'm sorry I know how stressful it is I cried for weeks over the drama! Just stand your ground you don't want drama on your day better get it out now! Good luck.

Thanks ladies...here are the facts to your posts. I do appreciate it as the drama is still lingering!

1) FFIL and FMIL have been divorced for 12 years. FMIL has been re-married for 10 years. FFIL is cool with FMIL's husband as the divorce was amicable. FFIL, FMIL and FMIL's husband have all been in a similar setting before, my FI's college graduation 5 years ago. They were all fine. So the fact that FFIL just wants someone to be there b/c of FMIL's husband, isn't even an issue.

2) FI and FFIL are close. Even though his parents divorced, co-parenting existed, but of course FI and FMIL have a closer relationship b/c she raised him mainly.

3) FFIL's may have been dating "the date" for a year, but it's not a real relationship if your only see each other every 3 months, and especially since he has other "friends" in surrounding states where he lives, probably even one in the town that he lives in. Only reason why FFIL would want her there is seriously, 1)she lives in L.A. 2) someone to prance around with to feed into his insecurities.

4) We are considering the comprising option, where, you can bring her, but no sitting in the front row (back of the bus sista!) , no family pictures and no sitting at the head or family table. Well, FI knows his father best, and he already knows he won't go for that.

So in the end, we are going to stick to our guns, and if the "date" (I'm using a nice word here) is more important than his son's wedding...then what is his last option? To say he won't give us money? who cares...it's $1500, or what??????? that he actually won't go to the wedding????? If he says that, then you know what, you shouldn't come to your son's wedding if bringing a HO (sorry, I had to say it!) is more important than your son's wishes.

Uhhhh...I wonder if your FFIL is insisting on bringing his "local" girl to the wedding so he has a date since he's the only parent not remarried. It could be one of those situations where its deeply rooted in attempting to look "happy" in the presence of the 'ex.' Also, since he's helping a little $ wise, he may feel he 'deserves' the guest invite.

Who really knows. I think its silly how people feel that an invitation is "owed" to them. Just for your own sanity, the official ettiquette on this matter is that a guest invite should not be expected except for those that are married, engaged or living together.

You have some time til the wedding. Do your best to let things simmer down. People often say things in the heat of an arguement that they later regret.

Good luck to you and I hope it all smoothes over soon!

I agree with its.nicsknck. Maybe he is having a tough time seeing everyone with someone and him being solo. I'd say let him know she isn't invited, but let y'all know if he is bringing her, then just let it be. That way he knows how you feel and he can either respect your wishes or care more about himself that day. Either way it isn't worth fighting over in the grand scheme of things.